what to say when casual asks if you're sleeping with anyone else
- Thread starter Sub-Zero
- Start date
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2014
- Messages
- 1,982
You could turn it into a joke.
A related issue is how much you tell her a priori. With my current gf I decided to tell her before sleeping with her, that I date other girls and intend to continue doing so. I told her the reason I was saying this was that if I didn't explain, then I would feel like I was tricking her into bed. (She's highly conservative). She got pretty schnitzel and left soon after. I regretted the decision heartily for a day or two, but was careful to treat her exactly the same, and she came back.
In another case a month or two later, I decided to just go ahead and sleep with her, and I put off the discussion to a few days later when she asked "am I your girlfriend now?". I replied something along the lines that, since it would be a long distance relationship I couldn't see that happening, but that even if it wasn't long distance I'm still dating and intend to keep doing so. This tends to operate as a boyfriend-disqualifier, it doesn't really harm your lover frame as far as I can see.
In both cases I used an example like "if you are at work and I am free, then I want to go out and have fun, so I'm gonna go talk to girls and see where it goes, I'm not gonna sit at home thinking I wish my girlfriend was here". I also said that I do not think people should form relationships too easily. And, that I do not believe in romantic love, because I think it is just our brains playing tricks on us, and that what we experience as romantic love is basically fear of loneliness in disguise.
Eventually, I usually disclose that I'm co-dependent and I basically say "if I wasn't dating other girls then I'd probably be acting needy and independent, calling you all the time and pressuring you to hang out, you wouldn't like that and neither would I"... this might be too much information, but I haven't found it harmful.
She tends to keep pressuring or bringing it up, either then and there, or a few days later... in that case I just expand on the above themes until she's bored of it.
Ray
You could dismiss it.
You could answer a slightly different question.
A combination of above approaches that I quite like, the key words being "in particular":
The main thing here is your vibe, if you act guilty about it, she'll pounce.
A related issue is how much you tell her a priori. With my current gf I decided to tell her before sleeping with her, that I date other girls and intend to continue doing so. I told her the reason I was saying this was that if I didn't explain, then I would feel like I was tricking her into bed. (She's highly conservative). She got pretty schnitzel and left soon after. I regretted the decision heartily for a day or two, but was careful to treat her exactly the same, and she came back.
In another case a month or two later, I decided to just go ahead and sleep with her, and I put off the discussion to a few days later when she asked "am I your girlfriend now?". I replied something along the lines that, since it would be a long distance relationship I couldn't see that happening, but that even if it wasn't long distance I'm still dating and intend to keep doing so. This tends to operate as a boyfriend-disqualifier, it doesn't really harm your lover frame as far as I can see.
In both cases I used an example like "if you are at work and I am free, then I want to go out and have fun, so I'm gonna go talk to girls and see where it goes, I'm not gonna sit at home thinking I wish my girlfriend was here". I also said that I do not think people should form relationships too easily. And, that I do not believe in romantic love, because I think it is just our brains playing tricks on us, and that what we experience as romantic love is basically fear of loneliness in disguise.
Eventually, I usually disclose that I'm co-dependent and I basically say "if I wasn't dating other girls then I'd probably be acting needy and independent, calling you all the time and pressuring you to hang out, you wouldn't like that and neither would I"... this might be too much information, but I haven't found it harmful.
She tends to keep pressuring or bringing it up, either then and there, or a few days later... in that case I just expand on the above themes until she's bored of it.
Ray
I've found that I agree with Ray here for the most part, especially
In other words, I tend to do what I've read here, and disqualify myself from the provider role as soon as possible. Although this hasn't always worked, or I've been clumsy doing so, it's the best course of action for preventing the causal relationship ending if/when these questions arise; I often find though, if I haven't explained I'm only looking for casual encounters early on, (or not explained particularly well) that it's paired with questions on monogamy...
Even if the girl then brings up the topic, you at least have something to fall back on:
Girl: So, are we becoming a thing now, or not...?
Guy: Well, I told you my life is pretty busy with work at the moment, and I wouldn't want to get into a relationship if I can't give it 100%
Girl: Does that mean you're sleeping with other women?
Guy: I see no point denying myself an opportunity to be happy, if I bump into someone worth my time
I'm no expert, but I've been here many times before, and if Ray's advice, or any from this site, doesn't stop the questioning, then just be honest, no need to lie to a girl you aren't even considering as a partner anyway (You can always go out and find someone more willing to your needs if she decides to walk out)
I'm sure there's a better solution out there, but I find this works for me most of the time.
Hudson
; although an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!ray_zorse said:
In other words, I tend to do what I've read here, and disqualify myself from the provider role as soon as possible. Although this hasn't always worked, or I've been clumsy doing so, it's the best course of action for preventing the causal relationship ending if/when these questions arise; I often find though, if I haven't explained I'm only looking for casual encounters early on, (or not explained particularly well) that it's paired with questions on monogamy...
Even if the girl then brings up the topic, you at least have something to fall back on:
Girl: So, are we becoming a thing now, or not...?
Guy: Well, I told you my life is pretty busy with work at the moment, and I wouldn't want to get into a relationship if I can't give it 100%
Girl: Does that mean you're sleeping with other women?
Guy: I see no point denying myself an opportunity to be happy, if I bump into someone worth my time
I'm no expert, but I've been here many times before, and if Ray's advice, or any from this site, doesn't stop the questioning, then just be honest, no need to lie to a girl you aren't even considering as a partner anyway (You can always go out and find someone more willing to your needs if she decides to walk out)
I'm sure there's a better solution out there, but I find this works for me most of the time.
Hudson
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2015
- Messages
- 32
I generally never answer questions about my love life (past or present) to casual FWBs. I also try to avoid it with Girlfriends aswell, so as to retain some personal mystery. If a FWB asked if I was sleeping with anyone else I would do as Ray mentioned and turn it into a joke or chase frame.
Something along the lines of "No! Of course not, never, I swear!!!" (pretending to panic, laughing). Its a little mean but keeps the intrigue up atleast.
Something along the lines of "No! Of course not, never, I swear!!!" (pretending to panic, laughing). Its a little mean but keeps the intrigue up atleast.