What to Talk About in Conversations, Specifically

[TouchGrass]

Hello Girlschase!

I've been feeling ongoing frustration with a sort of floundering and directionless movement with my conversations. It's been plaguing me for awhile now, and I was determined to try and get to the root of the problem myself, but I haven't managed to do that just yet. I've realized that what I was doing clearly wasn't working, so I wanted to approach it from a different direction; start back at ground zero, and build everything up to a way that works.

As far as I can tell, my biggest issue is a lack of focus. I have no idea what a lot of the people around me are interested in, besides school and occasionally videogames, and it feels awkward to ask when we've been "friends" for several years already. For the people who I do know better, their interests tend to widely vary from my own. That isn't what necessarily bothers me, but I find myself struggling to try and relate and understand what they're saying. It all leads into a very directionless conversation where I'm getting nowhere and I have no idea what to talk about, leading one of us to tend to cut it off early.

My social skills probably aren't on-par with the people around me (or perhaps they are, but I'm trying to hard--difficult to tell without an outside perspective), but I definitely want them to be. This is one of the topics I've found discussed less than others, and more or less left up to the reader to figure out, but I really can't wrap my head around it. This is a pretty basic topic, and a fundamental I'm sure many of you understand subconsciously, but I'd appreciate if one of you guys could quantify exactly what sorts of things I should talk about in conversations with different people?

I understand it's a question with nearly infinite answers, so I'm not looking for the end all-be all advice. I just want some specific examples for dealing with a multitude of specific types of people, from your experiences. I hope it'll help me correlate the patterns in my head and start understanding the concept better on my own.

 

[Zoro]

I'm going to piggy back Drexel because that is good advice right there.

To relate to your situation though, I have gone through times where I had nothing to talk to with others.

Why? Well for me, I was in a rut. Uninspired by my situation and lacking enthusiasm in my own life.

What turned it around was figuring out why I was in a rut and getting myself out of it.
For me, it was the brutal winter and being indoors for 5 months that got me down. Once I realized this and got outside in the sunshine, I transformed into the man I love being. In the sun, I run around like a 12 year old and am filled with passion. I become very social and courageous and am compelled to meet girls.

You want to look at yourself and figure out what charges you up. Those interests Drexel said to talk about, DO THEM.

There was more to my situation than that, but figuring out why I was uninspired played an important role.

Get inspired

J daWg

 

[Ezio]

Just talk about whatever is exciting and interesting to you, and communicate it with passion and energy. It's the vibe more than the topics that people are picking up on.

Drexel has lots of incredibly good advices and i learnt a lot from his articles, i appreciate him and i thank him for that, but what he said right here, was said in the worst way, it's like saying "just be yourself". I don't know why i'm seeing him often give answers like this - touching or speaking about the very surface of a problem, thus giving totally blank advices or answers, without giving something to implement right away - not very useful.

To me, it seems like he is just trying to promote the website below his comments, instead of really trying to help. This is bothering and i just couldnt keep it in anymore.

I sincerely apologize if i'm wrong, but i got this impression. I have nothing againist Drexel, on the contrary, i appreciate him a lot, so don't misunderstand me.

 

[Man-O]

When you're very new in the stage of how to express yourself through communication with others, be it pickup or just in general you'll feel these answers are useless ( at least I did).

Find out what you like, make a mind map or brainstorm it. These things you like and thrive for are what you talk about with ppl you meet. In pu you can use this as qualification making them see you as interesting and they'll try to mirror you in some way. And even better, when you talk about something that interests you, you will have a much easier time having a positive and cool vibe.

My examples:
For instance I love having far-out goals, human drive, seeing others and myself improve, becoming good at something I like where you go up in detail and as simple stuff as cooking, sports and travel.

What I dislike is education and sitting doing little while small-talking with ppl you know instead of making action AND attention seekers.

How would I use this? Here are some examples:

Qualification (from anywhere: Early/mid - late)
Ex 1.
Her: I study psychology and I like it but at times there can be blablabla.
Me: cool, whole the interaction with communication and sub communication in psychology is cool and you even learn about yourself (relating/bonding), but what about after? You just satisfied with having a steady income and curing as many people as you can? (qualifying)
Her: Well, I've never rly thought about it, so far I think I'm good.
Me: Okay, so you never had any goals you really wanted but didn't dare go after as you felt it risky? (there have yet to be anyone who didn't). For instance I'd really like to do this blabla and start my own school in the future. I wouldn't be satisfied with just having a steady job, where is the excitement even.
Her: Yea, I guess I did have this one thing I rly wanted blabla..

From here on you can then deep dive and just ask her; "why did you do that instead of going for psychology?"

Ex 2. (start-mid interaction)
Me: You seem rather sporty, you do any sports?
Her: Yes, I go to fitness but nothing much *she seems disinterested and isn't qualifying herself much andi t's hard to work with*.
Me: *Often I'd mirror her to tease* Ah yes, I also do some fitness but you still seem more muscular than me *many other ways but I like to have a fun mood*.
Her: Yea right
Me: Don't believe me? *Flexes biceps and pulls her hand to touch* See? I'm way more skinny than you. *Now she's kind of forced to compare*. Let me try yours *she flexes* yea, I knew I was right
Me: *avoid jumping the shark so onto new topic* You aren't one of those girls who just work out to look good and have a mundane life like everyone else, are you? (qualification).
Her: *She begins to qualify and she's slowly getting accustomed to me and even mirroring* no, no I actually try to become a teacher and I soooo much try to NOT to do like my girl friends blabla.
Me: Cool because there's nothing more boring than those, I mean, who goes to see who has most friends on fb and what not when it's all so meaningless?
Her: Yea, you're totally right blabla..

And from you investing a lot in the start you suddenly have her do most the talking and investing.

But foremost you need find out what's interesting for her as well, so come with either statements or ask suave questions.
Statements: You look like blabla because blabla (it's fun and daring). You were laughing before so it made me think you were this and that type blabla.
Suave: "How do you expand your horizons?" "how do you keep life from getting too stale?"

Links:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/20-ways-talk-women-and-make-it-amazing
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-talk-girls-and-make-them-want-you
https://www.girlschase.com/content/dont-get-hung-topics
https://www.girlschase.com/content/spell-broken-big-mistakes-shred-conversation

Read them more than once please. If you still aren't satisfied then I'd suggest you dig your own hole, kidding
Just go out and try it. In the start, nothing is smooth because you got trillions of things you try to remember while keeping the conversation but failure is the road to success. And yes, pua masters can be rather slobby as they alrdy have a huge load of ppl they need talk with. Just be happy they're even answering, or just ignore it.

 

[TouchGrass]

Hey again, testing's calmed down so I'm able to reply

Thanks for all the advice; they're all valid in their own way, but can be difficult for me to comprehend since I stand at a different perspective than you do now. I sort of get it, like I've seen glimpses of the different ideas that y'all are talking about at some point or another, but it hasn't clicked for me yet. I'm not getting the results I want, so there's still a lot to do.

As far as I can tell, the problem is that I'm not used to this style of conversation (albeit I didn't talk much before in the first place). I'm working on it, but I really do have a hard time finding a topic that's interesting for both of us or getting people to open up about themselves. Am I building up too much tension; is my vibe off and weird? Who knows? I'll keep trying to wrap my head around what I'm doing wrong, but something like a checklist of what I should be doing would probably be helpful.

 

[Richard]

Just talk about whatever is exciting and interesting to you, and communicate it with passion and energy. It's the vibe more than the topics that people are picking up on.

Drexel has lots of incredibly good advices and i learnt a lot from his articles, i appreciate him and i thank him for that, but what he said right here, was said in the worst way, it's like saying "just be yourself". I don't know why i'm seeing him often give answers like this - touching or speaking about the very surface of a problem, thus giving totally blank advices or answers, without giving something to implement right away - not very useful.

To me, it seems like he is just trying to promote the website below his comments, instead of really trying to help. This is bothering and i just couldnt keep it in anymore.

I sincerely apologize if i'm wrong, but i got this impression. I have nothing againist Drexel, on the contrary, i appreciate him a lot, so don't misunderstand me.

The things that appear surface level are only written as such. The purpose of therapy is to help the client find insight into themselves (basically) and the way Drexel offers advice does that same thing. It's not up to him to peel back every layer and give you all of the answers, it is up to the person asking the question to develop his own answers.

Think about what he said, peel it back, and you'll see that it isn't even close to "just be yourself."

 

[ray_zorse]

Regarding the advice already given, we need to look at macro vs micro. On the macro level it is certainly just a matter of being confident and expressing your views as your authentic, unfiltered self... on the micro level it sure does help to have some specific conversation examples and techniques. The "Spellbinding" video series is a good place to start. Also check what I wrote to Lowes the other day as an overall guide to conversation. As to specific conversation examples (and the reasoning behind them), I often write these to cover specific situations people are asking about. Search my posts if you are interested. I realize there are like 800 of them, but you are a high value man, you can help yourself if you are determined. For a recent one search for the phrase "I wrote this as if it were a telephone conversation". Also check stickied LRs.
Ray