What was my mistake?

[trilegius]

Hi,since this is my first post on this board I want to introduce myself first.

My name is Ionut (or John in english),I'm from Sibiu,Romania I'm 20 years old and I never had a girlfriend so yeah I'm still a virgin.

I read this site for awhile now, but didn't manage to work up the courage to do a cold approach yet(I fall in the trap of too much reading I guess, I need to stop it).Although I'm inexperienced and not confident around girls especially the hot ones, I do remember that in the 7th grade I've had a girl who was a year older than me tell me that she likes me after chatting a little bit with her,after her "declaration" we played a game of truth or dare and she told me that I could dare her to do anything.Now even though I was not experienced with girls I knew what she want,she probably wanted me to dare her to fuck me or at least kiss me so what did I do? Nothing.Although this story shows that I was a pussy, it made me realize I have some potential,I've never thought that a girl will ever tell me she likes me..

Now that you guys now a little bit of my not so vast "experience" with girls( haven't really had other important experiences with girls I'm a risk averse pussy), I want to ask what was my mistake with this college classmate I asked on a date.I asked her out last week to coffee after I went to her house to borrow some books(for school).She said that she starts working next week but we could go for coffee , so I told her I'll contact her to see when she's free.

So I text her on facebook to ask her when she's free,it goes like this:

Me:So when are you free to go for a coffee?
Her:I don't really have time.
Me:You're free on weekend?
Her:No
Me:What time you get away from work?
Herepends..
Her:Maybe it will be fine if we hang out with other classmates one day
Her:I don't think it is a good idea to hang out just the two of us
Her:I'm sorry
Me:I understand you could tell me from the beginning)
Her:I didn't know what you mean
Me:Now you know)

I got friend zoned, which I don't really give a fuck because I know that I need to start cold approaching and talk to more girls. But I do want to know, was it because I basically asked her out like that, out of the blue? I mean we are classmates but haven't really talked all that much it's almost impossible the breaks are so short and she's also kinda quiet.Now I didn't get my hopes up too high, so I can't say I'm sad or something but I want to know what I did wrong.Anyway I'm proud I didn't accept hanging out with more classmates I know that would be worthless...

Hope you guys point my mistakes and I hope my english is understandable.

John

 

[HellAtlantic]

For a guy who says has trouble with girls you did great. Accept small victories, can't win every time. You approached a girl and tried to set up a date, pat yourself on the back. Sometimes they'll say yes and sometimes they'll say no. But you tried, that's all that matters. There's no advice I can give - it's all up to the girl and who knows what the hell is going on in a girls head. Maybe you're not her type, maybe she has a BF, maybe her parents are strict. Who the hell knows? But you tried. Keep at it.

 

[Edd--19]

Hey Trilegius/John,

Great to have another addition to the GC community! I recommend starting a Journal and reading up on a few posts on the beginners board. Start with things that are at your level. Get over approach anxiety first. Without meeting lots of new girls the skills won't really set. And make sure you really want this to happen, figure out when you will have succeeded, your endgame, hunt it down like a lion does a gazelle.

From the experience I have, here's what I make off your short conversation.

Me:So when are you free to go for a coffee?
Her:I don't really have time.
Me:You're free on weekend?
Her:No
Me:What time you get away from work?
Herepends..
Her:Maybe it will be fine if we hang out with other classmates one day
Her:I don't think it is a good idea to hang out just the two of us
Her:I'm sorry
Me:I understand you could tell me from the beginning)
Her:I didn't know what you mean
Me:Now you know)

I'm assuming this is all the conversation. You could have broken the ice a little bit, an instant date setup is a bit of a shock. Try something like "Hey "vodka eyes", I have a bottle of Russian Standard that's gathering dust... Might twist the cap and chill, don't get jealous ". It sets up a more playful tone, teases her, she's more likely to respond positively and she'll be more receptive to your advances. You did good on your persisting; that earns you some points with her. You were also straight up with your intentions; you didn't cave when she counter-proposed the date to a friends get together. However, don't assume it's a girls job to tell you what she wants from you; "I understand, you could tell me from the beginning " I get what you're trying to do but it feels forced and insincere.

You've got some good stuff going on; persisting, being honest about your intentions and giving it a shot. She'll respect you more for that. I can't be of much more help as I don't know anything about the previous interaction(s) you've had.

Heres a few things to get you started:

- Social Anxiety.
- Situationally Relevant Openers.
- Can't Stop Thinking About Her.

I can't find much for fundamentals but suffice to say that you should have a straight back, shoulders, back, chest lifted and chin parallel to the ground. Those I recommend for starters but really it's up to you.

And don't worry about being a virgin, I was until I was 19, but thanks to this site I quickly changed that, I'm in a great (open) relationship and still working on my seducing skills. I'll see you around, best of luck.

Edd

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey dude you are doing great!! Congratulations! The main thing is you asked her for a date. That's something you can control. You can't control her response. Some girls just aren't into you, but as long as you did what you could it's no biggie.

About this specific interaction I would say the problem occurred in person. How long did you talk to her before asking for the date, what did you talk about, what were your fundamentals like, and how and when did you ask for the datw? What was her response? And how did you close out the interaction? Some tips:
1. Ask at a high point.
2. Ask dominantly with good eye contact e.g. "Hey, we should totally continue this over coffee, you free this week?"
3. Work out a rough plan with her in person, if she doesn't know her schedule she might be for real or more likely is brushing you off. This can sometimes be turned around.
4. Get her number, if she offers you Facebook she's brushing you off. Have her enter her number then call her and check she gets it. If she calls or saves herself it's a good indication.
5. Continue the conversation (which was at a high point) after the number grab, as if the number grab was no biggie, but not for too long as you may inadvertently FU and/or say too much about yourself. Save some intrigue for later on.

If she brushes you off it can be she doesn't like your looks or she isn't sexually available or something you cannot control. It can also be that you need to work on your approach and fundamentals. But it might be a test, in case it's a test just ignore the brushoff and go back to the conversation and ask again later, this kind of persistence is very attractive!

Ray

 

[trilegius]

Hi guys thanks for the advice,and for your replies it helped me a lot to see what mistakes I made.

I did have a face to face conversation with her and I can see the mistakes I made,the conversation was about school related stuff and a little bit about her, how she spends her summer break,about the job she was starting it was not very flirtatious and I think that is the problem! I want to ask you guys something though cause it really bugs me... I guess it would be a question for late bloomers and for guys that lose their virginity later(early or mid twenties).Whenever I try to build up my courage to talk to girls, it keeps getting into my mind that I'm inexperienced and I don't know I guess I'm afraid that the girl I talk to can sense that and it will blow my chances! I don't know it's like I'm ashamed that I'm inexperienced, it's like an inferiority complex,which gets triggered even more when I see guys that are good with women.If you guys can tell me if you have this kind of issue or if you had and managed to get over it, I would like to know how you did it. I think this will help me a lot since I wanna get started handling this part of my life. Thanks!! I'm looking forward for your advice!!!

John

 

[ray_zorse]

Well firstly your conversation sounded fine. Sure you can get more advanced... you can open with a direct compliment... you can express attraction in other ways... you can touch her... you can say flirtatious, sexy shit... you can qualify her... you can cold read... you can move her... et cetera, but it is not necessary, it is just the icing on the cake. Honestly the #1 important thing is to talk to her, and the #2 important thing is to ask for a date, and you did those things, so I do not see what you are worried about. You created an opportunity for her that if you liked each other she could get sex. Job done my friend! If I could add a #3 important thing though, it would be your nonverbals, make sure you have good posture, smile, establish eye contact, speak confidently, don't mumble or look down/away. As to the other stuff it takes time, don't sweat it.

In the medium term though, the way to come across as more experienced is to get more experience with girls. Once you get up to speed you should be talking to 100 girls a month at least, that means going out 2~3 times a week to talk to 10 girls. If you want to be hardcore about it, do it more. Each time you go out focus on some particular aspect of seduction where you think you need to improve, such as cold reading or qualifying girls or any sticking points you identify.

Ray

 

[trilegius]

Thank you ray_zorse really helpful advice!!

 

[HellAtlantic]

I would also say if you think you're inexperienced don't be afraid to eat the pussy. You gotta. You start off kissing, then make out and you work your way to eating her pussy. She'll likely come and once a girl comes you'd be amazed at how much confidence you get to do more advanced stuff that you think you're inexperienced at. And don't forget you have to have fun too.

 

[Raqimus]

Going to her house to get the books could of been an escalation window. I had a girl invite me over to check out some books and I denied it because it was too far hahahaha. I took everything too literally, she wanted me and I basically said no.

Think about the situation when you went to grab the books.

 

[ray_zorse]

Yeah, I didn't notice that part of the report. I'm sure it was an escalation window, except to say that if you're in study-buddy territory you have to move a bit carefully, you can't just manhandle-kiss her in the hallway or the door of her room if you haven't built any attraction first. But you could make some excuse to sit on her bed and find some section of the book to ask about etc, and try to build from there with your deep diving or just your nonverbals. My own "doh" story is I met her in city, took her for insta-date and pulled home, tried for hours to kiss her and got some way towards the goal, she warmed up considerably and was caressing my stomach while I nibbled her ear, but it got late so I walked her home. Interesting thing is we held hands the whole way there, and connected a lot more, but it didn't occur to myself to invite myself in and do the deed, she was ready and doing shit like insisting to get me an umbrella etc, DOH, missed window, we exchanged various text after that but nothing happened
Ray