Calls & Texts What went wrong here? Help me to understand where I slipped up.

[Marty]

The background should be obvious from the context: I left a voicemail message around 11:40 AM yesterday for a girl I met last summer, not realizing she was on vacation. Here goes:

Throw the kitchen sink at me: message length, timings, everything. Maybe by the last message it just got past her bedtime (it was certainly past mine). Maybe I went too hard on the teasing. At any rate, I've heard nothing more.

It would be so tempting to try to reengage by making some witty riposte like "I have a working memory of 500 girls, don't be too amazed"; but I think this calls for wiser counsel to prevail, perhaps by dropping it, waiting a couple weeks for her to get back from the Caribbean and then giving her a call.

Thoughts?

 

[trashKENNUT]

Marty,

The last message can be two things.

1)Use it for comfort or
2)Test the waters

Apparently you use number 2. Test the waters. but hey at least you know if she's still interested. You can text 3 days later, ask her out then. You might get lucky.

Zac

 

[Drck]

I see it little bit differently Marty. Imagine you are this hot girl, you meet many guys throughout the year, many guys hit on you and talk to you, and almost a year later one of this guy leaves you a voice mail, and then sends you messages

>>>> She: Who are you, do I know you? I totally have no idea who you are. Why do you want to chat with me? (well yea, I’m not stupid, I know you like me)

>>>> She: We met some 8 months ago… You left 2 messages for me at that time and I heard them but didn’t respond… I kinda respond only when I am really interested…

>>>> The way she may interpret what you sent: I called you once or twice but since I didn’t hear back I figured out you have BETTER things/people than me on your mind. This is too supplicating, you are backing down, apologizing, making excuses for her. You should have sent something that she would interpret as: We had such a great time together because I am really great guy – you really can’t remember that? (placing guilt on her, making her feel sorry). Do you really have a bad memory? What or who else is there BETTER than me? What kind “stuff” is going on in your mind, you bad girl, that you can’t even remember anything good that happened to you? (being more assertive, more invasive, suggesting that she was thinking doing bad/sex stuff when she was with you and that is why she doesn’t remember all the good things you were talking about)

>>>> She: Maybe I had a reason to ignore you, most likely you were too cute, perhaps too much of a Nice Guy… It was a long time ago and I don’t really remember, I really meet a lot of Nice Guys… I’m not telling you my age, but you tell me yours…

>>>> She: Funny, I’m trying to remember you, I’m 90% sure I remember this night with you… wait a minute, I actually have no clue, now I’m totally confused. There was this guy I met about year ago, we spent a night together, but it most likely wasn’t you… Where did we meet again? I’m shocked you remember me after almost a year, especially if we didn’t spent a night together… Aren’t there other girls in those months you haven’t seen me? Have you been thinking about me all this time, and if so – should I be freaking out...???

>>>> Don’t tell her your age. Don’t tell her NOTHING about you, anything you say about you reveals your personality, and the more she reveals the less challenge it is for her. The less challenge the less attraction. For example, now she knows you age and she can defer a lot of stuff from it: You are older than her, thus she expect that you should be leading and dominating, you should be more experienced than her. But she didn’t respond to you before because year ago she didn’t think you are leading and dominating... You are also contacting her months later, as if you had not so many other got girls to talk to during this time… Now she knows you are not dominant and experienced, now she thinks you are not talking to many hot girls, and she can’t even remember your face... Now she knows that she can get ANY information about you with no effort, all she has to do is ask ... which is really boring to her, no challenge... She is losing interest, her attraction is dropping… Now she knows too much about you by you telling her something so innocent like your age…

>>>> Ok, so it wasn’t at night… It wasn’t you for sure… I just have no clue who you are, it is little bit strange that you are contacting me after such a while…


>>>> Now you gave up all of your cards, now you have nothing else to show. She has no clue that you are a day player or that you know lots of about seduction, but she most likely thinks that you are too judgmental (by you mentioning that you didn’t meet her at night, while she was talking about having fun at night). She might think that you are looking at her as if she were slutty girl (like many Nice Guys do), and that is just unacceptable to her… She sees you as a typical nice guy who is judgmental of girls who are having fun at night…She withdraws from the chat…

Ok, don’t take it word by word, there are many other ways how to interpret it. The general problem with messaging is that you can’t read her body language and she can’t read yours, so there is a lot of guessing. You have no clue how she feeling or what is she thinking, you can’t see if she vibes with you, you don’t even know if she is in a good mood. The texting/chatting should be always kept at minimum, you always want to see her face to face…

 

[Big Daddy]

Hey Marty,

I'm in a rush right now, so I'll take a more summarized approach:

I think there was not much you could expect from this interaction, given that you wouldn't try to contact her back after a year out of the blue if you have that many other options. One exception might be experimenting with something that you're not very comfortable with and having fun with it. Also, sending a voice mail to a girl nowadays is so... awkward. I mean, really, look at all the effort that you had just to message her: you had to dial her number, expect talking to her, not being able to talk to her and talk through a voice mail. It's so different from "well, I want to fuck this girl - let's see what she's up to" text her and forget about it until she shoots you something back.

You couldn't know that she was in Barbados, so that's was an uphill battle. But I think there are three points in this interaction that killed you:

1) When you tell her that you're going to chat when she gets back and she tells you to wait and ask you a question, you wait and answer her question. In other words, she just won the frame battle. You could maintain your frame and hope that she'd chat with you when she got back, or you could take a shot and answer unpretentiously that you're were "trying to remember the same. Talking to a lot of girls might have its downside, it seems..." There's a chance that this could send her to auto-rejection, but then again, really fucked up situation as you didn't expected it.

2) Your answer to that question has you chasing - not her. You tell her, "well, I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't let me; so I thought that there were things more important than me going on." If you were to answer her question, you might want to frame it as she chasing or something that exhibited an abundance of options, as stated above.

3) She then goes on to testing you again and asks how old are you. You try to break her frame unsuccessfully and end up telling her your age. I'd suggest that you break her frame ruthlessly using a line from Anatman's recent LR: "Naw, I don't play that game. I'm the one who asks questions here. How old are *you*?" (I have to try that line!)

I think it all comes to frame battles and she testing you and you're not being able to do what you want, which is set up a date and fuck her. In the end, this conversations just becomes too awkward for her to continue - you text her after a year out of the blue after she gone cold on you, she thinks she does not remember you very well... it's unsustainable.

You read Richard's LR where the girl just asks him "what the fuck happened to the Richard I knew?", right? You want to text girls that you haven't been in touch for a long time like that - like your seducing skills has gone up 1000% even if that's not quite the case. it's harder to pull girls in this situation, so you might as well have fun and experiment being more aggressive. My two cents

(Looking now, my post isn't exactly a summary... but still...)