When and how to "defend"

[Marty]

Hey all,

What is the "correct" (i.e. non white-knight) way to stick up for your woman if she is insulted, molested etc.? I'm talking about the right balance between not disappointing her as a weakling who is too afraid to do anything (or a white knight who is all talk), versus a hothead who risks making the situation worse through counterproductive escalation and may end up in hospital.

Note I am not talking about jealousy here, that is a situation in which the woman is complicit; if I ever faced that I'd downplay it and avoid making it an issue so as not to seem threatened. I mean a situation in which the woman is obviously uncomfortable.

Specifically, your girl tells you that someone you both know has insulted her directly, perhaps intended in jest but nonetheless offensive.

I was once with my woman visiting a remote Third-World town after dark when a passing man groped her in the street; my sense of danger and self-preservation in the unfamiliar location prevented me from escalating the situation, but I sensed she was a little disappointed emotionally even if rationally she had come to the same conclusion.

Any thoughts appreciated.

Thanks
Marty

 

[Orelfius]

What would you do if it was our mother or your sister instead of your woman?

That should give you a great answer.

As a general rule of thumb: physical violence is to be avoided unless for self-defence. Even James Bond answer with words against insult and only use violence as a last resort. (Watch some good old Sean Connery James Bond).

 

[Franco]

Marty,

This is more of an indirect answer to your question, but the best way to deal with this is to appear more imposing. Your walk and your demeanor in an area that you regard as possibly "unsafe" should characterize that you aren't a guy to be messed with (and, of course, neither is the girl walking next to you).

The perpetrator here obviously did not feel threatened by your presence, which means that you didn't appear imposing enough to the point where he felt like touching your woman would be a physical threat to him.

Ultimately, you probably can't stop all cases of these types of incidents, but often times prevention is not only the best route, but it is also the preferred route (since you don't have to worry about whether or not you'll need to engage in a physical fight with another man if he doesn't feel confident enough to provoke you in the first place).

- Franco

 

[lux7]

Where was it, just out of curiosity?

The thing is, in some places people might be jealous.
They see you as the foreigner going there and "have it easy" with the local women cause you're white (might also be of course jealousy in a white-area if you're with a white girl as a non white).

In those cases the people might be looking for confrontation, making it all the riskier.

One possibly good reaction more on the safe side could be:

you utter with normal voice loudness (not higher than normal nor lower) but not directly to the group, as if you were making a comment to yourself:

"yeah sure man, you gonna get laid a lot like that".

All the while you grab your woman's hand firmly and a bit annoyed and keep walking forward slightly quicker and slightly annoyed.

This way you're communicating you're a man who understands the way to deal with women, that you think it's low behaving like that -also in a very practical way: weak and get you no pussy- and that you take charge to minimize the dangers by moving her physically out of there.
Also you vibe with her feelings because your actions are basically saying "you little piece of shit" (one of the issues of doing absolutely nothing indeed is that it builds an emotional barrier: she's the one getting groped and you're just business as usual").

All without making a huge deal out of it and without escalating the situation with a direct confrontation.

Important in walking slightly quicker: many would say that walking slower than normal would make you feel more imposing.
But that's not necessarily what you wanna do, because it would make you also more of an easy target here as it's a bit of an escalation in itself, like saying "I'm not afraid, come here if you have a problem".

Going slightly quicker instead says you don't wanna escalate, but just brush off that silly accident and move along, so they should go beyond their way to keep troubling you.

 

[Drck]

Keep your ground. This is another good use of having good fundamentals. You don't know the other person, and he doesn't know you. He has no clue what are you capable of (and vice versa). So good and confident walk, look in the eyes with no fear. You should at least appear that you are ready to fight if it comes down to it.

One day I was in New York, walking down the streets looking for an address. Somehow I found myself on one of the streets, it was sort of gheto, lots of tough guys around... Not to say that I was just by myslef and the only one white there... I din't want to stop, just went straight through them, right in the middle of the street, gave them bored look "just try to fuck with me and you'll see" as they were watching me pasing through... Damn, I was scared, I knew I would be an easy target, but body language works well... They just don't know who you are and what are you cabaple of. They have no clue whether you made a stupid mistake, or just looking to pick up some fight... They probably thought, the only white guy here, he must have some balls, but who knows...

 

[MichaelGScott]

I used to think about this too. Then I turned 21, and you know the first thing I purchased on my birthday was? A handgun. Not because I go around looking for trouble, but because the world is a crazy place. I don't know your view on firearms, but I can tell you I feel a lot more safe, in an unpredictable world. I'd previously had my stuff stolen out of my car at a gas station, so I've been personally affected enough to want to get a gun. Plus I want to be able to defend my home. More directly related to this site though. I was once on a date with a chick, and there was a guy in a van literally holding his head out at an angle staring at her. I jokingly asked her if she wanted me to go and confront him, she rationally said, "No, what if he's a rapist or murderer?" to which I replied, "I'd shoot him". She was even relieved to know I owned a gun, and said "She felt more safe." Depends on the situation, but I wouldn't escalate a situation unless you're comfortable with your physical capabilities, and the possibility that the person could be armed. I was never one to let someone disrespect a woman if I'm around, and owning a firearm just gives a piece of mind if things get out of control. But I can't stress enough, don't buy a gun to go out and look for trouble, it's a last line of defense, self defense, life on the line kind of thing.

As for white knight? I mean, if you want to defend a girl who's been insulted, you're going to appear to be a white knight in that situation. That can't be avoided. Unless you reply with something sarcastic and smart assy. If you don't want to seem like a white knight, don't be aggressive when defending her "honor", make light of the situation. By doing this, you avoid potential confrontation, and seeming like a "white knight".

 

[Marty]

Franco: Your recommendations noted, thank you. Definitely a fair criticism.

Lux, this was not a local woman. I was bringing my woman with me on vacation. Latin America to be more precise; I don't have a great command of that particular language, and some loner who obviously didn't get much ass decided to grab himself some, literally. He passed on her side and I wasn't even aware it had happened until she responded. The split-second decision was do you run back after the guy and bring him to account, or let it ride? In broad daylight in a country where I am familiar with the culture, I'd have lost no time, but then it probably wouldn't have happened in that situation.

Drck, I hear you. More or less what Franco is saying. Yeah, I deal okay with such "hood" situations myself, in fact I grew up in a fairly rough neighborhood (at that time). This was a situation where I was, through my own stupid fault, caught unawares as I was deep in conversation. Rookie error.

Michael, what you suggest was, for multiple reasons, not possible in those circumstances. But thanks.

Anyway, the reason I brought this old story up was that a guy I know (and used to respect fairly well), who has a certain element of power over my girl's career success, "accidentally" called her a word that should not be used for any lady, and she told me about it. I am remote from the situation, and as it happens, she handled it excellently herself and he apologized handsomely. But it caused me to wonder at the time whether I should confront him (which would have to be by telephone) myself, or whether that would do her no favors. The situation is resolved but I am grateful for all advice already given.

 

[Virgin101]

I used to think about this too. Then I turned 21, and you know the first thing I purchased on my birthday was? A handgun. Not because I go around looking for trouble, but because the world is a crazy place. I don't know your view on firearms, but I can tell you I feel a lot more safe, in an unpredictable world. I'd previously had my stuff stolen out of my car at a gas station, so I've been personally affected enough to want to get a gun. Plus I want to be able to defend my home.

That won't do you any good. More likely to shoot your own toe, or for it to get stolen for the sake of another robbery.

The provokator will have the element of surprise. Sure, you can pull out your gun, but as you do so, you'll know in your heart that it'll likely result in the two of you will ending up dead. Hence you won't go pull it out.

Don't tell me you're a Trump supporter.

 

[lux7]

Come on don't mix politics into it, there's a million situations a gun could come useful and you don't much imagination to think of some -and of course many times as well when it's better not to pull, but having options is usually a good thing -

 

[MichaelGScott]

I used to think about this too. Then I turned 21, and you know the first thing I purchased on my birthday was? A handgun. Not because I go around looking for trouble, but because the world is a crazy place. I don't know your view on firearms, but I can tell you I feel a lot more safe, in an unpredictable world. I'd previously had my stuff stolen out of my car at a gas station, so I've been personally affected enough to want to get a gun. Plus I want to be able to defend my home.

That won't do you any good. More likely to shoot your own toe, or for it to get stolen for the sake of another robbery.

The provokator will have the element of surprise. Sure, you can pull out your gun, but as you do so, you'll know in your heart that it'll likely result in the two of you will ending up dead. Hence you won't go pull it out.

Don't tell me you're a Trump supporter.

What the hell are you talking about? Element of surprise? I didn't know we were talking about how to defend ourselves against ninjas. It's pretty simple. The OP let his girl get molested and did nothing about it. Because he was scared. If you're too scared to defend your girl after she's gotten gropped, you're in an area where a gun would come in handy. If they were in a downtown metropolis during the daytime on a crowded street and his girl got gropped, you still think he wouldn't have done anything?

I have no political affiliations. Democrat, Republican, all the same. A bunch of useless idiots.