Socializing When she asks a lot of questions

[StrayDog]

Sometimes I am on a date and a girl starts bulldozing me with question after question. It's usually towards the front end of the date. Usually seems like genuine curiosity, mixed with maybe a touch of anxiousness.

I know she is just socializing in an automatic manner, how she thinks people socialize. But to me it feels rote and somewhat of a barrier to actually getting to a sense of each other. These rapid fire questions. Basically it's what we would advise a guy against doing on a date. And I am sure if she was on the other end of the question machine gun she herself would feel similarly.

I am curious if you guys have any suggestions on smooth ways to ways transitioning out of this.

Sometimes I am able to lock things onto a topic and ground things a bit. But other times I end up becoming somewhat vague and dodgy with my answers. While it is successful in slowing the conversation down enough to redirect it into a better pacing, sometimes I get the sense that she gets frustrated with the dodginess and becomes a slightly less open.

Any thoughts, gentleman?

 

[Skills]

Whoever is asking is controlling the interaction... the structure should be she ask a question you answer and then you finsh with a question back at her...this apply to sells to.

 

[StrayDog]

Whoever is asking is controlling the interaction... the structure should be she ask a question you answer and then you finsh with a question back at her...this apply to sells to.

I get that, and I am generally successful and getting out in front of it and taking the lead. It's just that sometimes I am not the most smooth at it, and I notice her close off a bit. So it's not just about getting in the lead, but the means in which you do it. It's like this moment doesn't need to be some frame grab, but when she comes in with this zealousness, it is not always as simple as just ask a question back. It's like how do you take the reigns without just grabbing them from her like "here, I'm gonna drive." Or being obviously coy about things. Guess that's what I'm asking, is what are some smooth ways to pivot where it just feels seamless.

One solution I see is just making your questions to her way more nuanced and compelling than the ones she is asking you. Kind of makes it hard for her to stay on her track with out offering something significantly more substantial.

 

[Skills]

I get that, and I am generally successful and getting out in front of it and taking the lead. It's just that sometimes I am not the most smooth at it, and I notice her close off a bit. So it's not just about getting in the lead, but the means in which you do it. It's like this moment doesn't need to be some frame grab, but when she comes in with this zealousness, it is not always as simple as just ask a question back. It's like how do you take the reigns without just grabbing them from her like "here, I'm gonna drive." Or being obviously coy about things. Guess that's what I'm asking, is what are some smooth ways to pivot where it just feels seamless.

One solution I see is just making your questions to her way more nuanced and compelling than the ones she is asking you. Kind of makes it hard for her to stay on her track with out offering something significantly more substantial.

i see what you are saying, ok what i do in this situation is escalate the sexual vibe and micro escalate (physically), this flusters hers and throws her off...

 

[StrayDog]

i see what you are saying, ok what i do in this situation is escalate the sexual vibe and micro escalate (physically), this flusters hers and throws her off...

I get you. push things out of the realm of words. focus on the energy I am projecting, as opposed to the motions the conversation is going through

 

[Rakehell]

Yeah escalating the vibe as @Skills said.

On the verbal level if she’s pelting you with questions out of a place of nervousness it doesn’t hurt to slow down your delivery and the speed in which you answer. This helps to control the pace so that she can really take in what you’re saying, instead of her thinking of the next thing to say.

Or to draw out your answers in a way that involves her and is significant to what you’re trying to achieve. I’m assuming she’s barraging you with surface level questions, “are you from here”, “where’d you go to school”, stuff like that. You can still be vague, but less short and quippy if thats what you meant.

“No I’m actually from x, but have moved around alot, I wound up here around 4 years ago. Was time to get away” And then go into a bit of detail about how the experience was for you and less on the specifics of how it actually all went down.

So less “I moved here from detroit, got here for work, and have just been shooting around trying to find new things to do”

and more

, “it’s kind of hard to explain, you know that feeling when you go to a new place? And you’re taking everything in and it feels shiny and new? The new people the new scenery, it kind of pulls you in and it doesn’t even feel real almost, like you’re in a movie?”

Stuff like that gets her involved and the exchange will be more like a back and forth and less like an interview. She’ll tell you about her experiences while you’re answering, and you can relate back to her as well.

and then turn the question back on her. “What about you? Have you always lived here?”, let her go into her story, and then take a detail from her story to lead away and get her talking more.

You can combine that with flirting or whatever in between.

Then rinse and repeat. It’s a smooth way to get out of interview mode, and take control.
Combine that with literally controlling the pace in which you respond, and your speed of delivery when you talk, and escalating the vibe.

 

[StrayDog]

Yeah escalating the vibe as @Skills said.

On the verbal level if she’s pelting you with questions out of a place of nervousness it doesn’t hurt to slow down your delivery and the speed in which you answer. This helps to control the pace so that she can really take in what you’re saying, instead of her thinking of the next thing to say.

Or to draw out your answers in a way that involves her and is significant to what you’re trying to achieve. I’m assuming she’s barraging you with surface level questions, “are you from here”, “where’d you go to school”, stuff like that. You can still be vague, but less short and quippy if thats what you meant.

“No I’m actually from x, but have moved around alot, I wound up here around 4 years ago. Was time to get away” And then go into a bit of detail about how the experience was for you and less on the specifics of how it actually all went down.

So less “I moved here from detroit, got here for work, and have just been shooting around trying to find new things to do”

and more

, “it’s kind of hard to explain, you know that feeling when you go to a new place? And you’re taking everything in and it feels shiny and new? The new people the new scenery, it kind of pulls you in and it doesn’t even feel real almost, like you’re in a movie?”

Stuff like that gets her involved and the exchange will be more like a back and forth and less like an interview. She’ll tell you about her experiences while you’re answering, and you can relate back to her as well.

and then turn the question back on her. “What about you? Have you always lived here?”, let her go into her story, and then take a detail from her story to lead away and get her talking more.

You can combine that with flirting or whatever in between.

Then rinse and repeat. It’s a smooth way to get out of interview mode, and take control.
Combine that with literally controlling the pace in which you respond, and your speed of delivery when you talk, and escalating the vibe.

It's interesting because I already know this intuitively on some level, and can very well operate the way you described (and often do) but still sometimes get hung up on moments like this. Would probably do me well to identify what factors co tribute to me getting snagged. Like when this happens is there some common precedence that has been set that contributes, or some inner game thing I am bringing to the table.

That said, your response is a great reminder for me to just slow down when I notice this happening and just tune into the pace of things. Just recognizing when it is happening and telling myself "okay, slow it down" will most likely do the trick.

So true @Rakehell about really drawing out my answers and adding more substance to them. And then, once the pace is slower, use that as an opportunity to pivot the conversational lead. A potent tonic to rapid fire questions, no doubt.

 

[Chase]

@StrayDog,

I'm a fan of bringing it to the girl's conscious attention in a playful way. e.g.:

HER: [asking question #12103812]​

​

YOU: You writing a book on me?​

​

HER: [laughs] Sorry, I just find you very interesting.​

Usually you will get some sort of explanation like that, where she IOIs you by talking about you being interesting or really enjoying the conversation with you.

At that point you have a few ways you can go:

YOU: Well I'm glad it's fun, but I'd like to know a little about you too!​

That gets her to back off and let you start directing things more.

Another option:

YOU: Well you know what's most interesting about me is actually not any of the stuff you're asking.​

​

HER: Oh really? What's that?​

At which point you can pull out any kind of routine you want that is going to interest her and put you back in the driver's seat, like, "I actually know quite a bit about psychology... here, do you have a good imagination?" and then play the Cube or Strawberry Fields or the Three Favorite Animals game with her, etc.

One thing to definitely not do there is to just start telling her some story about something or other you think is more interesting... then not only are you qualifying, but you are probably telling her something less interesting to her than whatever she was asking you 20 questions about.

So instead, pick a personality game that will get her talking about herself, and then you are firmly back in the driver's seat again.

Chase

 

[Rakehell]

That said, your response is a great reminder for me to just slow down when I notice this happening and just tune into the pace of things. Just recognizing when it is happening and telling myself "okay, slow it down" will most likely do the trick.

Yeah, my personal theory of why it kind of gets looked over or easily left out is because it’s not something you consciously think about.

And when her energy is on another level, or she’s nervous/trying not to be boring, it changes the tempo, and the vibe.

If we were making music, it’d be like the bass guitar in a song. It helps control the rhythm and flow of the song, but you aren’t always aware that it’s even playing. It gets drowned out by the vocals and all the other instruments.
When it’s not there you can only think “somethings missing”.

 

[Will_V]

Yeah this sounds like she's reacting hard to your presence and wants to balance the investment. The main thing is to remain chill and relaxed and not take it too seriously. You can't sit there and answer the questions as this would give her the chance to resolve the frame in a way you don't want.

I like the idea of calling it out, or just keeping some warm tension by replying in a slightly teasing/ambiguous way while looking like you're enjoying her energy, until she feels a little self conscious and gives you a pause to work with.

 

[StrayDog]

@StrayDog,

I'm a fan of bringing it to the girl's conscious attention in a playful way. e.g.:

HER: [asking question #12103812]​

​

YOU: You writing a book on me?​

​

HER: [laughs] Sorry, I just find you very interesting.​

Usually you will get some sort of explanation like that, where she IOIs you by talking about you being interesting or really enjoying the conversation with you.

At that point you have a few ways you can go:

YOU: Well I'm glad it's fun, but I'd like to know a little about you too!​

That gets her to back off and let you start directing things more.

Another option:

YOU: Well you know what's most interesting about me is actually not any of the stuff you're asking.​

​

HER: Oh really? What's that?​

At which point you can pull out any kind of routine you want that is going to interest her and put you back in the driver's seat, like, "I actually know quite a bit about psychology... here, do you have a good imagination?" and then play the Cube or Strawberry Fields or the Three Favorite Animals game with her, etc.

One thing to definitely not do there is to just start telling her some story about something or other you think is more interesting... then not only are you qualifying, but you are probably telling her something less interesting to her than whatever she was asking you 20 questions about.

So instead, pick a personality game that will get her talking about herself, and then you are firmly back in the driver's seat again.

Chase

Thanks Chase this really hits. I was considering the call, and probably have done it to some degree in the past in this kind of scenario, but I didn't really have a clear idea how to make it land.

Basically highlight in a playful way that she is cornering you and then redirecting the focus to her a bit (which is totally natural and makes sense to how people relate) or take the opportunity to lead into some more sort reality pacing materials.

I never been too keen on the psych games like the cube and strawberry fields. Maybe I just haven't tried them enough to really make them flow, but they've always felt kind of contrived when I attempt to try them out. Seems like you have really made that kind of material your own when you use it. All that said, I am definitely gonna play around with how I can lead her into some reality pace material when this kind of thing arises.

Appreciate the tips

 

[StrayDog]

I like the idea of calling it out, or just keeping some warm tension by replying in a slightly teasing/ambiguous way while looking like you're enjoying her energy, until she feels a little self conscious and gives you a pause to work with.

Really like this idea about just sort holding back and admiring her tenacity in a subtle yet potent way that ends up making her self conscious till she is like "what are you smirking about"
and I can be like "just admiring your enthusiasm" making her blush a little.

I have done this sort of thing in other scenarios and I think it could work well here.

There really is a lot to be said for just hanging back and communicating in a less is more sort of manner.

Thanks for the perspective Will