I'll share a personal story I've only ever shared with one person ever.
It is about my depression and how depression becomes truly dangerous.
I've shared my story in another post, but here's the short version - I'm 21 used to be fat and had no social life. I'm still a virgin, never even been on a date. I've recently become successful through my company and bettered my physical appearance. Still I can't get the courage to approach a single girl.
I'm sharing this so it might help some of you.
In it's core depression stems from anger, anger from not getting what you want, anger from feeling helpless and powerless. That's how it started for me years ago.
But the truly dangerous part is when the depression turns back into anger.
And surely this happened to me. I was feeling powerless and I became angry at the world. I wanted other people to suffer like I did, even worse than me.
Now I make money with my company, but the thing is before I started my company my initial idea and ambition was to make people suffer. I decided that I wanted to design high tech weapons that my company would sell to military or private buyer. Weapons that would be used in wars with the sole purpose of killing people.
The original name of the company was gonna be ReaperTech, but it was taken so...
I was powerless in every other aspect of life. Didn't have friends that I could rely on, never even felt a woman's touch, feeling alone and like scum. But I was always good with technology. I was always good with designing. I have this ability to take apart anything and understand how it works and improve it or create something new from it. I also have the ability to "design" in my head. All the blueprints of everything I've "designed" is in my head. I draw it there and I can change all the little parts and do all kind to it. Like artists creating a picture in their heads, musicians composing songs in their heads, architects creating buildings in their heads. I guess it's just that my brain is good at spacial and visual reasoning.
That was the only power I had. I couldn't talk to a girl and seduce her, but I could and still can invent/design/create weapons that would kill others. This was and still is the only thing I feel I have to offer.
And don't think "oh he's just crazy" I'm not. I'm not a bad person. It's just that depression, feeling of powerlessness and anger. It build up and builds up and keeps building up. It drives you. It give you clear goals and makes you decisive.
Do you know what it feels like to walk on the street, and when you see people the only thing you think is "What kind of weapon can I design that could be used to kill those people around me? Should it be balistic, chemical, biological, which part of the body it will target, what will be the time it need to kill the person, in what state will it leave the body,etc."
And I realized how messed up this was. If I was some psychopath I wouldn't bother me, but I'm a good person. But here I was thinking how can I get funding from the military to create something that would help them kill people.
It's just that powerlessness turning into anger. It makes you think and maybe do bad things.
We've all heard the term crime of passion. And you know that most of the murders are committed by someone who knew the victim. It the same thing. People feeling depressed, powerless, and that turned into anger, rage.
There are no bad or good people. Given certain circumstances everyone is capable of hurting innocent people.
And on top of all those bad fillings there is mixed a big amount of "no one in the world can understand what I'm going though! everyone's live is better than mine". This only fuels more bad feeling inside of you.
And this is the true danger of depression. When it build up and turns into anger and rage. When it makes you want to hurt other people, so they'd feel the way you feel. When sometimes it makes you commit crimes.
Most crimes are committed by people feeling this way. And they justify it by feeling that no matter what they do to them, those others still won't feel as bad as they, themselves do.
There are those rare cases of psychopath and sociopaths that have mental issues. But the sane people do bad things because of anger.
No happy, sane person, that has love in his life, people who support him and understand him, people who love him and care for him, would commit a crime and hurt other intentionally.
As for me I never created a weapons dev company. I created my present company with the idea to help people and all the products have that aim.
I started working out every day till I can't feel my body. Jogging every morning till I have no more energy. Meditate to calm my mind. And every day beat the crap out of a punching bad.
In other words you need to release all that anger inside of you. Release all the rage. Punch and kick the bad, run as fast as you can to a remote location and scream your lungs out.
You must absolutely release your anger or it will build up until you cannot control it.
I still fell depressed some days mostly because of the fact that I'm petrified with fear of approaching a girl and saying "Hi, I think you're cute. Would you like to go out sometime and get coffee?" I still feel completely helpless and powerless when I see a girl and I like her. Those days I open my folder with 250+ pages of designs/sketches/ideas and I start thinking how can I improve this or that or think of something new?
I hope I never get too low and those weapons never see the light of day. I hope someday I'll just burn all those pages. But right not that makes me feel powerful, that makes me feel good about my self, that gives me reason to live in a way. I hope those bad feelings don't build up inside me, cause I can use my talent to create things that help others not hurt them, and I don't want to go down a dark path, but every time I want to talk to a pretty girl and I don't go it, I feel like I've just takes a step towards it.
What I want you take from this story is that you must fight your depression and bad feelings, not only for your own sake. But for the sake of other. So you don't do stupid things to hurt those other people, who actually have no fault that you're feeling scared and depressed. People that have no fault that you are scared sh#tless of saying hi to some girl. Or that you didn't get that promotion, or you failed your exam, or you don't have what you wanted to have.
Those bad feeling have a way of poisoning you and your life and spreading like a cancer.
So start fighting that depression right away cause if you don't sooner or later it'll turn to anger and make you do stupid things.
That's from me, I've gotta go to bed since it's 4 a.m. here.
Bye.
P.S. - sorry for the spelling errors, it's 4 in the morning, I'm so sleepy that spell checking in not in the picture.
It is about my depression and how depression becomes truly dangerous.
I've shared my story in another post, but here's the short version - I'm 21 used to be fat and had no social life. I'm still a virgin, never even been on a date. I've recently become successful through my company and bettered my physical appearance. Still I can't get the courage to approach a single girl.
I'm sharing this so it might help some of you.
In it's core depression stems from anger, anger from not getting what you want, anger from feeling helpless and powerless. That's how it started for me years ago.
But the truly dangerous part is when the depression turns back into anger.
And surely this happened to me. I was feeling powerless and I became angry at the world. I wanted other people to suffer like I did, even worse than me.
Now I make money with my company, but the thing is before I started my company my initial idea and ambition was to make people suffer. I decided that I wanted to design high tech weapons that my company would sell to military or private buyer. Weapons that would be used in wars with the sole purpose of killing people.
The original name of the company was gonna be ReaperTech, but it was taken so...
I was powerless in every other aspect of life. Didn't have friends that I could rely on, never even felt a woman's touch, feeling alone and like scum. But I was always good with technology. I was always good with designing. I have this ability to take apart anything and understand how it works and improve it or create something new from it. I also have the ability to "design" in my head. All the blueprints of everything I've "designed" is in my head. I draw it there and I can change all the little parts and do all kind to it. Like artists creating a picture in their heads, musicians composing songs in their heads, architects creating buildings in their heads. I guess it's just that my brain is good at spacial and visual reasoning.
That was the only power I had. I couldn't talk to a girl and seduce her, but I could and still can invent/design/create weapons that would kill others. This was and still is the only thing I feel I have to offer.
And don't think "oh he's just crazy" I'm not. I'm not a bad person. It's just that depression, feeling of powerlessness and anger. It build up and builds up and keeps building up. It drives you. It give you clear goals and makes you decisive.
Do you know what it feels like to walk on the street, and when you see people the only thing you think is "What kind of weapon can I design that could be used to kill those people around me? Should it be balistic, chemical, biological, which part of the body it will target, what will be the time it need to kill the person, in what state will it leave the body,etc."
And I realized how messed up this was. If I was some psychopath I wouldn't bother me, but I'm a good person. But here I was thinking how can I get funding from the military to create something that would help them kill people.
It's just that powerlessness turning into anger. It makes you think and maybe do bad things.
We've all heard the term crime of passion. And you know that most of the murders are committed by someone who knew the victim. It the same thing. People feeling depressed, powerless, and that turned into anger, rage.
There are no bad or good people. Given certain circumstances everyone is capable of hurting innocent people.
And on top of all those bad fillings there is mixed a big amount of "no one in the world can understand what I'm going though! everyone's live is better than mine". This only fuels more bad feeling inside of you.
And this is the true danger of depression. When it build up and turns into anger and rage. When it makes you want to hurt other people, so they'd feel the way you feel. When sometimes it makes you commit crimes.
Most crimes are committed by people feeling this way. And they justify it by feeling that no matter what they do to them, those others still won't feel as bad as they, themselves do.
There are those rare cases of psychopath and sociopaths that have mental issues. But the sane people do bad things because of anger.
No happy, sane person, that has love in his life, people who support him and understand him, people who love him and care for him, would commit a crime and hurt other intentionally.
As for me I never created a weapons dev company. I created my present company with the idea to help people and all the products have that aim.
I started working out every day till I can't feel my body. Jogging every morning till I have no more energy. Meditate to calm my mind. And every day beat the crap out of a punching bad.
In other words you need to release all that anger inside of you. Release all the rage. Punch and kick the bad, run as fast as you can to a remote location and scream your lungs out.
You must absolutely release your anger or it will build up until you cannot control it.
I still fell depressed some days mostly because of the fact that I'm petrified with fear of approaching a girl and saying "Hi, I think you're cute. Would you like to go out sometime and get coffee?" I still feel completely helpless and powerless when I see a girl and I like her. Those days I open my folder with 250+ pages of designs/sketches/ideas and I start thinking how can I improve this or that or think of something new?
I hope I never get too low and those weapons never see the light of day. I hope someday I'll just burn all those pages. But right not that makes me feel powerful, that makes me feel good about my self, that gives me reason to live in a way. I hope those bad feelings don't build up inside me, cause I can use my talent to create things that help others not hurt them, and I don't want to go down a dark path, but every time I want to talk to a pretty girl and I don't go it, I feel like I've just takes a step towards it.
What I want you take from this story is that you must fight your depression and bad feelings, not only for your own sake. But for the sake of other. So you don't do stupid things to hurt those other people, who actually have no fault that you're feeling scared and depressed. People that have no fault that you are scared sh#tless of saying hi to some girl. Or that you didn't get that promotion, or you failed your exam, or you don't have what you wanted to have.
Those bad feeling have a way of poisoning you and your life and spreading like a cancer.
So start fighting that depression right away cause if you don't sooner or later it'll turn to anger and make you do stupid things.
That's from me, I've gotta go to bed since it's 4 a.m. here.
Bye.
P.S. - sorry for the spelling errors, it's 4 in the morning, I'm so sleepy that spell checking in not in the picture.
