Where are you men getting your confidence from?

[ajx032]

I need to know where do u men get ur confidence from to move forward and get pussy.

Is it:

looks;
career;
fame;
family;
support;
friends;
wealth;

like where is ur confidence built from? is it ur heart? like where are u getting ur confidence from cause i tried everything and i still dont feel my manhood. so reading about where u get ur manhood from might help me. thank you

 

[Flames]

Experience.

 

[ajx032]

Thats what im trying to figure out Flames. Ive been going out religiously since the age of 25. But why is it my experience has not given me confidence instead low self esteem and depression. I still have not hit my masculine nor gotten a backbone. There is some reason why my self esteem is still low after 10 years of constantly going out and facing rejection. I cant figure it out. Ive seen men past me and come after me and get better at this. Im still in the same position.

 

[Flames]

Then your perspective is askew.

I'm approaching 40 and still I wouldn't say I've 100% cracked confidence. It takes some people longer than others I guess

 

[ray_zorse]

It's good that you went away and read articles, as recommended by radeng.

But you also received plenty of other advice that I think you should consider.

For example, in this thread, I recommended you to read the book "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw. It will explain to you exactly why, in your words, "my experience has not given me confidence instead low self esteem and depression".

That book I recommended is quite a hefty tome, but if you read it you will get the answers you seek. My impression is you probably skipped over that advice as being too much work, and asked your question again looking for an "easier" answer.

In this thread, I also gave you plenty of tips and an overall strategy for building confidence, specifically the part that says "Your goal is to get comfortable with these aspects through repetition". That's what will give you confidence.

Ray

 

[Drck]

ajx032: "But why is it my experience has not given me confidence instead low self esteem and depression. I still have not hit my masculine nor gotten a backbone. There is some reason why my self esteem is still low after 10 years of constantly going out and facing rejection. I cant figure it out"

Smart people might have lots of difficulties with confidence, the reason is that they see too many possible outcomes and obstacles. For the same reason, they can actually become quite depressed because 'nothing is working well' for them.

For example, if you are over-thinker who is constantly over-analyzing things, you may not be able successfully meet a girl for long time because you are constantly expecting failure and obstacles. You are looking for signs of failure and when you see some signs that things are not going the way they should, your brain automatically projects failure as outcome. If you go meet a girl and you are Assuming Failure, it will eventually become self fulfilling prophecy. Your brain simply sees too many negatives, it becomes too sensitive to any negativity from that girl, and it ignores positive things (e.g. windows that she gives you). You then give up and you feel like a failure. The failure then takes away from your confidence.

On the other hand, a person who is not over-analyzing things can be quite successful. He just doesn't see the negative outcome, he is only seeking positive outcome. He is Assuming Success and sort of ignoring negatives. He then feels great about success, and that feelings contributes to his confidence.

In a sense, many guys Assume Failure when they go meet girls. Say that a guy reads something about seduction. He then goes meet a girl, and he is looking for everything he can improve, which basically means that he ignores most of the stuff that are already working great. He makes a long list of things that went wrong, but he didn't write down anything that went right. His brain is then floded with negativity, he sees all these things that he has to improve, and he gets overwhelmed. He then over-thinks and tries to master everything, he wants to become a perfect seducer who makes everything right... Not only that, he than over-analyzes all these wrong thing, he wants to make them even better - which basically means he is stuck on things that don't work...

If you want to be successful you have to study success. Not failures.

IMO, the important thing for you is to learn sort of mental filtering: Learn to emphasize success and somehow ignore/minimize failures. When you go out meet girls, write down everything what you did right. Write down 10-15 things that were good. Write down 2-3 things that went wrong (no more than that), then next time try to repeat those 10-15 things and improve those 2-3 wrong things. Think more about those things that went right, and less about things that went wrong. Once you get some success, emphasize it - and confidence will follow

------------

So make a long list of all GOOD things that you already did, and make a short list of things that needs to be improved. Look for things that work, minimize things that don't.

A mindset of a guy who will most likely fail and thus feel low confidence:
* I have to go out and have sex with girl, I have only 1-2 dates before she is gone. I have to do everything right, or I won't even get a date
* I have to vibe with her, then I have to move fast
* I have to be more masculine, I have to find my backbone because I feel like a pussy
* I've been out so many times and nothing works for me. I am already X years old, I'm never going to be good at this. There are much younger guys and they already get laid Y times
* I'm stuck on this and that, I just can't move forward no matter what I do
* I don't have anything to be successful seducer, there is lots of things to learn, lots of things to do
* It's really great to sleep with the girl on 1st try. And if I don't sleep with her I'm just a loser
* I missed all of my best years with girls in college, I will never make up for these years, what a waste of my life
* I have to be sexy, have sexy walk and sexy looks, I have to have sexy talk. I have to tell her in some clever way that I am interested in sex
* I must be the sexiest guy and I have to be very attractive; there is lots of things I have to improve on my attractiveness
* I have to find balls to take her home
* I must be smooth and seduce her with no effort
* I have to overcome her resistance, what if she goes to my place and I fail?
* I can't be her friend, friend zone is bad
* I won't find girl like this again, it will take long time
* I have to face rejections, and I know I get rejected all the time. If another girl rejects me, I will get so depressed again...
* I have to "get her" somehow. I have to seduce her somehow, I have to convince her that I am a great and sexy guy, she needs to know that I want to take her to my bed
* There is no improvement, I already tried so many things and I always get stuck on something. I can't get past this point. I have to work much harder on seduction to move forward, I have to learn much more to be the best seducer around, next time I have to do 20 more things... Next week I have to approach 50 more girls, I just "have to" do it no matter what to gain the confidence...

This guy then beats himself down because most of it won't work. He is stressing himself out, he's getting anxious. He will then over-analyze everything that went wrong, and he will re-live it over and over, he will repeat it over and over with another girls... He studies failure, he emphasizes things that don't work, and he becomes a master of failure....

A mindset of a guy who will most likely succeed and improve his confidence:
* Fuck all the above, I am going out to have fun, with girls or without
* I don't have to have sex with the girl the same day. Sex is good, and it's great if it happens the first date, but if it doesn't happen no big deal
* I don't have to be sexy, I already worked on fundamentals thus I am sexy and attractive more than enough. I am already the sexiest MF she'll ever meet, if she can't recognize it right away it's her fault
* I'm learning fast, if something is not working out I'll find different way, or work on it later. I can do one thing in ten different ways; I'm always moving forward, I'm always learning new stuff, there is no need to be stuck
* I already have everything to be successful seducer. I have my dick, that's all I need for success with girls
* It's great if I sleep with the girl on 1st try. And if not, it is great as well because I did my best to have fun
* Let's see how attracted and sexy she feels, it would be great to take her home today. Let's see if she'll go to my place. If not, if she doesn't want to go, it's no big deal, there are plenty of other girls
* She already knows that I want sex, she is not stupid. I'm not telling her anything, let's see if she can find out. And she's right, I do love sex, and I am open to it today. Let's see if she wants to have some more fun in my bed today
* I am already masculine enough because I lift weights; Lifting weights is tough, only pussies take it easy
* My best years will only come, I am only X years old. When I'm 80 years old, that's 50-60 years from now, I want to be insane, kinky, old and perverted dude making many 20 year old girls happy. In the mean time I got some 50 years to find what I really like...
* I don't have to be smooth at all. I can make plenty of mistakes, and if I have to add some extra work to learn from my mistakes - let it be that way
* What resistance? I only play with the girl, I only have fun. Let's see how far she wants to go, let's see if she wants to have sex today, let's see if she feels sexy enough about herself. I already know she loves sex, so why would she give me resistance?
* Even if we become friends it's OK. She knows lots of girls, maybe she can introduce me to them. There are pussies everywhere, I don't have to be stuck with one girl
* What rejections? What hurt feelings? She doesn't have to have sex with me. I'm just having simple fun, and if she doesn't feel like having sex, no big deal. I'll try next time anyway, it's just fun; she wont' get rid of me so easily, I'll tease her with sex next time again
* Who cares about being the greatest seducer around? I'm just a guy and all I want is to have fun - if sex is involved, even better
* I don't have to seduce her at all, I am a great and sexy guy, and if she wants to have fun she is welcomed to join me. I am a great/sexy guy and I don't have to prove myself to anyone - if she doesn't agree, there are another girls
* I don't really have to learn much about seduction at all because there is already plenty of natural attraction between guy and girl. Maybe I'll try another 2-3 new things next time, but I won't bother doing more than that because if I work too hard to get the girl to the bed it simply doesn't worth it... I don't have to approach any girls either, I simply go to talk to girls that seems interesting enough; I'm just trying to find out if this cute/silly/sexy girl wants to have some fun today...

Now this guy takes it much easier, he seeks and emphasizes all the positive things on every interaction. He already feels attractive/sexy/confident enough. He's not so serious about seduction thus he doesn't push too hard (girls are very sensitive, if she feels that you are pushing too hard she will build too many barriers). He is not "convincing" her to go home with him and have sex - he is just sort of emphasizing her good feelings that could ended up in sex, yet he's still leading to his place because he knows she won't do it...

 

[PinotNoir]

Personally, for me, over a period of time, you just wake up (not instantly, but gradually).

It's like being in a job forever that you hate and see everyone around you just as miserable.

After being single for so long or having bad/flaky dates, you finally stand up and say, "Wow, fuck this. Fuck all of this. I don't give a fuck about what society, my parents, or whatever the fuck says. This is my life. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of girls treating me like shit. It's time for me to do something about it. It's time to make my own fate, destiny, and luck. It's time to fucking live my life."

You step outside of your body. You see your current life, and you ask yourself, "Would I want this life?" Then you look at the people around you and ask, "Do I want this life?" And, for a change, you finally say "no." You don't fucking know what direction to take or what to do, BUT what you do know is that you don't want that fucking life. So, you begin your journey. You try new things, new ways of living. When you see a hot girl, you just ask yourself, "Am I going to sit here and cry, or am I going to go over there and ask her out?"

If you keep following what you did in the past, you're going to keep getting what you got in the past. Do you really want that? Because by repeating it, that's what you're telling yourself and the world.

Embrace change. Embrace a new life. Stop hating yourself and your life. Make a life that you love. Make yourself what you want to truly be.

 

[lao che]

i just wrote a post on my own thread, in response to ifeeliwastedmyyouth, but some of it is relevant for you, ajx so i'm copying the relevant parts here. i'm killing two birds with one post, because i was already thinking about this in relation to you (see how much love there is for you here? everybody is thinking of you, wants the best for you and is making efforts to try and help you. you better not let us down!)



(this is mostly something i've developed from listening to theartofcharmpodcast) your mindset, and then your language, creates your reality. it can be changed.

first you have to stop saying negative things. you have to catch yourself before you say (or write) negative comments. or realize as soon as you say it that it was negative, and unnecessary. after you can stop yourself saying it, then work on stopping thinking it. you do that by searching for something positive to think about the situation instead. after you think of the positive, you say that instead. do that enough (it takes practice) and before long you will be the guy who has a positive outlook instead of the guy who's always being a negative nancy who no-one wants to hang out with. (quick example, had a motorscooter impounded by the police. now when i'm on the metro, instead of thinking how sucky it is and how much more convenient the bike was, i think, well, lemons from lemonaid, maybe i'll meet some chicks. and i do!)
BELIEVE ME I'VE BEEN THAT GUY. i was the guy who could never imagine things going right. would always predict negative outcomes. and when that's your mindset, that's what you get. BELIEVE IT. this is not some new-age woooo bullshit. this is real. and you can change if you let the ego aside. you think it's your identity but that's your ego fucking with you. who the fuck wants to be that guy? that's what i tell myself when i want to make a change in my character. i don't wanna be the guy who always turns up empty handed to a party, so i don't do that. i bring gifts for the host, take booze, help out anyway i can. give value instead of value suck. i don't wanna be the guy who always complains about his problems. whenever there's a problem now i try to talk about the solution first, not the problem. no: "what if this happens" yes: "if this happens we can do xyz"

now, i mentioned theartofcharmpodcast.com (formerly pickuppodcast). which i stumbled upon a few years ago and then became a big fan. the first episode i found was part of a series on value. fascinating stuff and essential listening. i still re-listen regularly.


here's a linkhttp://theartofcharm.com/toolbox/(control F and search page for 'value')

 

[Flames]

Drk just wrote you a goddamn masterpiece. All the mindsets he listed on the good end are also mindsets you have to take with you on your entire journey, not just in the beginning.

Agreed, Nicely put Drck

Also you find the more 'stressed' you are the more you notice things anyway this gives a generally negative bias even when good things are happening. Ie you remember the 'bad' more than the good. For me the best way was to keep my brain occupied. When out and about try to just notice everything around you from all your sense sight, touch, smell, taste and listen. I also read a lot (having a smart phone helps with this). I also try think ahead about people I meet and what I want to say to them (which almost never works btw). Try not to look backwards unless it's something that can move you forwards.

There's also the flip side to this in that you maybe picking up on other peoples feelings and mirroring them. I have a tendency to do this and you need to be able to work out wether it's actually coming from yourself in which case you can change it or someone else in which case you either avoid it, or better still deal with it.

Hope that gives you somethings to think about.