Where did I go wrong?

[killerman]

Ok there's this girl who I've been seeing for more than a month now. Problem is I sense she's now drifting away. Not sure what I've done wrong, but basically this is what's happened during that time. We've been on 5 dates, the first of which was an instant date and we slept together on the 2nd date. Every date we've done something different.

First one was coffee, then walk around shops, then dinner. Second was picnic in the park followed by passionate sex session. Third was drinks again, followed by sex, then dinner then sex again. Fourth date, she bought me dinner as she felt bad for turning up late to date then we went up to the top of a hotel, tried to get to the top outside so we could fuck outside on the top of the hotel (that was part of our sexual fantasy to fuck on the rooftop) we failed as the exit was sealed off so went back to mine to fuck. 5th I took her out of the city to a seaside town, and had icecream, walked on pier, then i had the idea to sneak to a forbidden out of bounds place to fuck, which we did but she freaked out last minute as she didn't feel comfortable then we went back to mine to have dinner then had sex.

Thing is in the run up to last couple of dates, she's taken ages to respond to texts, and the last time it's been nearly a week she hasnt replied. First time round was in between 3rd and 4th date, a day after the 3rd date, where I went to london and sent her a "how are you, what you up to? text. Understandably she didnt reply as girls want to have things happen, not send meaningless report texts back and forth. So a few days after i got back i sent her another text telling her i'd got back from london and asking if she was free in a couple days. she responded within 30 mins saying yes and that she missed me. i responded saying i missed her too. Now usually i NEVER say i miss you to a girl coz it can ruin the mystery, but a couple of months ago i was seeing another girl and this girl was saying she missed me, but i never said anything about me missing her, a couple of dates in that girl disappeared as i think i made her too insecure about my potential lack of feelings, so that's why i told this current girl i miss her, to avoid a repeat scenario.

Then we went on 5th date and 2 days after that on monday this week i asked her if she was free to meet up this wednesday, to which she still hasn't replied. Now the thing is during the first times we had sex the sex was crazy. she's a squirter and that first time i made her cum about 12-15 times. the last 2 times i havent been able to make her cum and the sex hasnt been so passionate, maybe due to me having a decreased sex drive (i still havent been able to cum with her) so maybe that is the problem. or maybe the problem was something else. During the 5th date, there was a period when we chose to watch a movie, and i put on the beginning of saving private ryan, and watched that even though its not her kind of film so maybe that put her off. Or maybe it's the fact that when we woke up the next morning she asked me what i was doing that day. I said i'd go to the gym and see some friends (though i never told her when) we stayed in bed for hours and by 5 i still hadnt done anything. in the end she said she was leaving, so maybe she got bored and felt i wasnt congruent with my word saying id go to the gym and see my friends, though i was intending in going that evening.

So where did i go wrong? Thing is ive moved fast (fucked her on second date) been adventurous (trying to fuck on top of hotel, in out of bounds place on pier) dont text too much. so what have i done wrong? Also i can tell she had a good level of investment towards me as she borrowed the rice cooker from her friend and left it at my place, if she had decided she wasnt going to come back she would have taken it back, so maybe she hasnt lost attraction and is thinking of coming back? What do you think i should do? im away in london again this weekend, should i send her another text? if so, when? Im thinking maybe when i come back on tuesday, or do you think i should wait until she contacts me?

 

[Drck]

Ok, you did all these great things, you probably planned everything and you spent lots of time practicing...

And what did she do? Which great things she do to keep you around? NOTHING.

She went with the flow, but she didn't really do anything. You did 90% and she did 10%. As if that wasn't good enough, you are still thinking that it is your fault that she's drifting away, you are still asking what you have to do to change it...

Do you think she is spending time writing pages of text, trying to figured out how to keep this great guy around? Asking her GFs how to keep this great guy around? Not a chance....

It's not you bro, it's them, stop putting that guilt upon yourself.... They need to be investing, they need to be doing, they need to be seducing, they need to be worry how to keep the great guy around...

 

[Sub-Zero]

I can't find anything you did wrong in this post, but maybe it was your actions? Maybe you acted very needy around her, or clingy, maybe you didn't let her chase you enough.

From what you wrote it sounds like you did nothing wrong, and it's just her, like drck said. Females do stupid shit all of the time.

IMO since you fucked her a few times and are kinda like an item, I'd ask her what's going on now.

 

[Sub-Zero]

Ok, you did all these great things, you probably planned everything and you spent lots of time practicing...

And what did she do? Which great things she do to keep you around? NOTHING.

She went with the flow, but she didn't really do anything. You did 90% and she did 10%. As if that wasn't good enough, you are still thinking that it is your fault that she's drifting away, you are still asking what you have to do to change it...

Do you think she is spending time writing pages of text, trying to figured out how to keep this great guy around? Asking her GFs how to keep this great guy around? Not a chance....

It's not you bro, it's them, stop putting that guilt upon yourself.... They need to be investing, they need to be doing, they need to be seducing, they need to be worry how to keep the great guy around...

What up man!,

I think he's posting about her to get more experience with girls and to see if he never have this happen again. I don't think this really for the girl herself, just to see where he went wrong with his game.

Well at least I hope.

 

[Drck]

Hi Sub-Zero,

Yea, that's exactly what I meant. He did everything perfect. She did nothing, or minimum, she just had an easy ride. Sex probably wasn't that great (sorry killerman), that's most likely the main reason why she left. There also could have been neediness and insecurity, that is sometimes noticeable by doing too much or being too perfect...

But you know, the whole point is, that they (girls) need to be investing. They need to be thinking about the guy, they need to worry about how to keep him. They need to be actively working on the relationship. They need to be worrying about providing great sex... it's time to turn the cards around, it's time to stop giving them so much value. If they have it too easy, if the guy is too easy, there is not much of a challenge... No challenge, no relationship...

Go back to classical 'Alpha model' - does this guy do perfect things, perfect seduction? No way. He nails her and walks away, could care less if he sees her again or not... He is just not attached, he is not eager to see her again, he could care less whether there is any relationship or not... He does absolutely nothing for her. Because he doesn't care, there is no neediness and no insecurity. Which is attractive... At the same time, if she wants to keep him she has to be investing, chasing....


So she may have sleept with him couple of times because he is sexy, but then he is just not a "keeper" as she can have sex with him anytime she smiles...

 

[Sub-Zero]

Great advice drck!, yeah that could be one of the problems, you have to have her invest in you, you have to have her taking you out to dinners, on dates, you have to fuck her so good that she has to chase you and set up plans with you. You said you made her cum a lot of times, so idk why you'd be having this problem. Maybe she just cums very easily? All I can say for this girl and all girls in your life, you have to make them chase after you.

Like Chase has said, you have to give a little to get a lot. Once you get her she should make everything easy for you and not play games that a girl you didn't fuck plays. You fucked her a few times, and that is great, nothing else you can do though. Just try to find out what happened.

But I can tell you something has to be wrong if you are having a problem with a girl whom you fucked a few times.

 

[killerman]

Hey guys, thanks for all the feedback. Yeah maybe the problem is her and that I haven't done anything wrong but my aim is seduce and keep interested as many girls as possible, which is why I can't have that mentality where it's the girl's fault rather than mine since that won't change anything, and certainly will hold me back and keep me from progressing. That's the reason for this post, it's just to get feedback to help me find out where I went wrong so i dont run into these situations ever again. I'm not that hung up on this girl, and certainly wouldnt be upset if she left my life forever but I would rather keep her around as she's cute and sexy (Japanese chick with a hot sexy little ass) and fun in bed aswell as cool to hang out with. anyway thanks for the feedback as you guys did point out somethings I might have done wrong. 1. sex not being so great last few times (that's my fault, i've been pretty lazy in bed recently and last time I fucked her it was 5 days after I FINALLY managed to cum in my favourite sex position for the first time in 5 years with this other girl i've been seeing. I guess I was probably thinking at the time "phew thank god I got that out of my system" so didnt work so hard with this japanese chick) 2. not letting her chase me and not being enough of a challenge. this is probably my biggest weakness and I need to work on it.

However, this girl has invested in me a bit. She's bought me more dinners than ive bought her, 2, i only bought her 1, plus she's cooked me dinner at my place and she borrowed the rice cooker from her friends to cook me dinner with and left it at mine. so she has worked and invested a little bit in me. what do you guys think? do you think she should have invested more?

 

[Franco]

killerman,

Just saw this one.

Second was picnic in the park followed by passionate sex session. Third was drinks again, followed by sex, then dinner then sex again. Fourth date, she bought me dinner as she felt bad for turning up late to date then we went up to the top of a hotel, tried to get to the top outside so we could fuck outside on the top of the hotel (that was part of our sexual fantasy to fuck on the rooftop) we failed as the exit was sealed off so went back to mine to fuck. 5th I took her out of the city to a seaside town, and had icecream, walked on pier, then i had the idea to sneak to a forbidden out of bounds place to fuck, which we did but she freaked out last minute as she didn't feel comfortable then we went back to mine to have dinner then had sex.

So you gave her passionate sex on date two... great! But then the question comes to mind: why was there even a "date #3?" Or a date #4 or a date #5 for that matter? Drck touched on this point by mentioning that you're investing SO much in her and she's investing so little in you, even though you could have had it the other way around.

Dates are part of the courting process that is used to determine whether or not a girl wants to sleep with you. If she sleeps with you, then it means your courting process was successful, and she is now a "lover" of yours. So once she's your lover, the next thing that should happen is having lots of sex together. Instead, you went backwards here and started to take her on MORE dates that were even MORE grand in scale. This isn't what she was looking for; she was looking for a man to give her great, passionate sex with little to worry about. You gave her all of these grand things after you slept with her, and now she's worried that she misjudged your value.

A valuable man who is already getting sex from a woman does not feel the need to further impress her. Once he's getting sex from a girl, that's all he wants from her. It's on the girl at this point to push for more; if you end up being the one pushing for more, she's going to pull away because she begins to think that you aren't as valuable as she originally thought -- why don't you spend all this money/time on other women? Is she the best you can get (which is what she asks herself)?

Once you sleep with a girl, stop giving her "dates." Arrange to meet up with her (at her place or yours) and limit your interactions to conversation and sex. Of course you two can get food together, but do not plan "dates" and "outings." Just have food with her if you're both hungry and get back to the bedroom to give her more of what she wants. Keep things low key, and make her invest in you for bigger things.

Hope this helps!

- Franco

 

[ray_zorse]

Another thing I would suggest is some kinky sex / roleplay, I have some examples of this in my journal, also see this post, specifically the part that says

Sayuri was staying nearby with her friends and came over for a late night rendezvous as I'd planned, we spent 90min in sports entertainment complex doing rollerblading and softball machine etc, then came back to hotel where I spanked her, tied her to the bed and made her beg for my dick, applied the orgasm torture and had her beg to be allowed to come, and then come on command at least once, maybe twice...

I must admit that here I am doing what Franco says not to do.(taking her on dates), however it has been in the nature of rewarding her compliance to sex (= anytime that suits me) and in other areas (booking and paying for hotels, etc)... and for having chased hard for r/ship, Franco is right, if you feel she is not investing hard then keep it to low-key hangouts and just sex. I must say I am fairly proud of how it has gone with this girl sexually --
1. public sex on the beach about 1~1.5hrs into first date, with other people in the vicinity
2. regular sex at the youth hostel I was staying at
3. dinner out which I paid for (a reward for sex + compliance)
4. tying her hands behind her back, having her call herself a slut and give me head, spanking her and slapping her face for forgetting to call me "master", orgasm torture, sex
5. flirting with cute Indian waitress as we ate breakfast
6. regular sex, sightseeing, gokart, dinner out which I paid for
7. scenic route for her to drop me to airport, scenic walk, attempted sex in the car
7.5 Skype sex, mutual masturbation, having her touch her tits and show me her pussy etc
8. (next hangout) regular sex and a fantastic bj from her, I had discussed a fantasy in which she has her friends practice bj on my cock while I read a magazine, so she may have researched bj after that, I'm not sure
9. dinner out followed by attempted anal sex, I couldn't penetrate her, so instead I had her give me an enema and then put a vibrator up my ass, for some reason she LOVED it
10. her staying over, my youth hostel was nicer this time
11. regular sex, hangout by the pool, swimming etc while I warmed her up with lots of doctor / nurse / patient talk
12. having her put on a sexy nurse scrub dress and tights that I had ordered from a medical supplies store, also I had dictor's scrubs and coat, did a sexy role play, I couldn't get hard enough to penetrate her or receive a blowjob (nervous, she looked as sexy as fuck) but eventually masturbated to orgasm while she stripped and touched her tits for me
13. dinner, having her drop me to airport
13.5 sexy text-message master/slave roleplay followed by masturbating to orgasm and exchanging photos
14. (next hangout, this time in Japan) long talk about our future, she was angered about my failure to commit and avoiding meeting her parents... followed by a makeout in fancy day-spa hotel she booked... then a dinner out which I paid for... followed by a trip to late-open supermarket where I bought whipped cream, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, fresh fruit... made pretty pictures on her body (circled her nipples and belly button with cream then added a purple grape on each, etc)... then transferring the fruit mouth-to-mouth... and then onsen (hot springs) to get cleaned up and relax
14.5 flirting with and saying sexual stuff to a group of 3 schoolgirls on the train as we travelled back to town
15. (her birthday) spending the night in a love hotel, lots of cuddles and regular sex and relationship talk... a card and present though not expensive
16. (next hangout) the sports entertainment plus the orgasm torture mentioned in above quote, she had had the master / slave roleplay and bondage before, but I escalated the compliance demands considerably and this time tied her to the bed rather than just her hands behind her back
16. (next hangout) meeting her family, staying in her beachfront apartment for 5 days without the family present, but attending family events etc... wasn't exactly my plan but having the use of the apartment was good. lots of regular sex. I'd pretty much just call her over to the futon at random times when I felt horny, and fuck her for half an hour to an hlur or so, followed by an intimate bath, the rest of the time she'd either be doing the housework or watching TV.
17. regular sex was getting a bit boring, so I had her take me to a kimono shop where I bought a badass men's kimono and other gear, then had her put on a sexy-ass kimono from her collection and makeup, and then took her to an expensive Japanese inn where we did a roleplay in Japanese that I'm a 50yo Russian businessman engaged in import/export out of Sendai (northern Japan) and she's a 19yo Kyoto geisha in training... in reality she's 32 and I'm 39. Restaurant staff were listening to our conversation in fascination as I boasted about my business achievements and explained the intricacies of Russian culture and hospitality and she did the same. I then took her back to the apartment and gently took her virginity on the tatami mats while weaving a story about how I'd often partied with her older sisters while she shyly eyed me from the background amd how our secret love had developed over 2yrs, as I fucked her I whispered encouragement in Russian and told her to stop me if it hurts etc
18. (next day, after she cleaned the appt and I packed to leave) attempted sex in the bathroom, I penetrated her 3 times in different positions (in my lap on a stool, lifting her and pressing against the wall, from behind)... but couldn't get it to stay in, bathtub came free of its mountings so we had to stop, but fortunately it went back in no problems

I hope this gives you some ideas to spice things up, there is more in my journal. I often finish first, so then I basically eat her until she cannot take any more and physically pushes me off, otherwise I just keep going, she says "enough! enough! please!" but then continues on to have more orgasms, haha.

Ray

 

[killerman]

Ok Franco, you say once you've slept with her, stop giving her dates. However there's this other girl I was seeing for about a month who blew me off 2 weeks ago. Banged her on the second date and she'd come over to mine for sex though a couple of times we went out for drinks first. The day after I last slept with her she texted me saying "just wanted to thank you for inviting me out sunday, had a great time", i texted back saying i really enjoyed it too and asked her if she was up for coming over to mine again following sunday. i never got a reply. How come?

 

[Franco]

killerman,

Banged her on the second date and she'd come over to mine for sex though a couple of times we went out for drinks first. The day after I last slept with her she texted me saying "just wanted to thank you for inviting me out sunday, had a great time", i texted back saying i really enjoyed it too and asked her if she was up for coming over to mine again following sunday. i never got a reply. How come?

It could be a lot of reasons. She might have just been looking for a one-night stand, and she wasn't interested in seeing you again. Also, the quality of the sex is highly determinant in whether or not a girl wants to see you again. If you weren't giving her multiple orgasms and leaving her breathless and sweaty on the sheets after the sex, then she isn't going to have a strong urge to continue seeing you.

Another thing worthy of noting is that it's usually not the best idea to just immediately invite a girl over again after saying you had a great time with her. Give it a day or two (or three) and then text her, let her know you'd like to see her again, and ask her if she's free the following week. You want to come across as calm and not overly pushy for seeing her. If she says she's busy, then you just respond with "Cool, no problem. " and either wait for her to hit you up or hit her up again the next week.

- Franco

 

[killerman]

Well a week ago I sent her another text asking if she wanted to meet up as it had been nearly 2 weeks of radio silence. I was thinking that if she didn't reply that would be it, I'd give up and wouldn't contact her ever again. However she replied and said she wanted to meet up so we met up a few days ago. Followed your advice and I invited her over to my house to have some fun sexual time and not try to invest too much, but instead she said she prefered to go out and visit a museum first. I liked the idea anyway and we'd agreed to do that at some point a few weeks ago (i originally brought it up) so we went to the museum then went back to my place and had the most fuckin insane sex ever. She cummed more than ever before and her thighs were shaking during orgasm. My bed was totally soaked and whenever she'd ejaculate all over my cock I'd spread her vaginal fluids all over her tits and carried on fucking her hard and making her cum even harder. We then went out, got some food then went back to my place and had more sex. Then the next morning I had trouble getting her to leave my place. So what does it all mean? She obviously sees me as "provider" material but also as a sexual guy. Plus I don't understand why she never contacts me first. At this point shouldn't she be texting me in between meet ups? it's been more than a month but I'm still the one who has to initiate texting and meeting up. It's confusing aswell coz this chick seems REALLY into me when we meet up.

 

[Franco]

killerman,

So what does it all mean? She obviously sees me as "provider" material but also as a sexual guy. Plus I don't understand why she never contacts me first. At this point shouldn't she be texting me in between meet ups? it's been more than a month but I'm still the one who has to initiate texting and meeting up. It's confusing aswell coz this chick seems REALLY into me when we meet up.

If you saw her and had sex with her again after the first night you two had sex and she continues to want to see you when you ask her to see you, then it means that she's very much into you and probably is hoping that this might continue toward a monogamous relationship.

As far as the texting, that's just a personality/experience thing. Some girls are just shy and won't text you first until you text them. That may be the case with this girl. The other possibility is that experience has told her it's best not to be needy and wait for the guy to text her (or possibly she scared away the last guy by being too needy, and now she's experimenting not being needy with you to see if it works).

At this point, it sounds like it's basically under your control as to how you want to relationship to progress. You can see her casually until she demands for a relationship, and then at that point, you have to decide if you want to enter a relationship with her or let her go. Occasionally the girl will be okay with continuing the casual relationship for a lengthy period of time, but if she's really fond of you, she'll most likely want to make things more serious or leave the situation.

- Franco