whether or not to re-open my one-itis

[lao che]

one-itis is being a bit harsh on myself but, allow me to explain.


the girl is the girl from this threadhttps://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=8693

i'll say this real quick. the way i feel about this girl - i love her and i want to see her again, and even maybe commit. but i don't need her, and if i never see her again it won't impact me greatly. i would be choosing to be her man rather than needing her to be my girl

now, long story short - met her in her home town, pretty much fell in love with each other (didn't bone-down) gamed her by email then she visited me in my city, at her own expense, for a weekend of debauchery.
next i visited her in her city. while fucking she said " i wanna say it, i wanna tell you [i love you]" to which i replied "i wanna say it too" (as an added bonus i banged her in the toilet of the community centre near her home. this girl is such a firecracker)
several times during the visit she said "i hate you". and when i left her at the airport she said "don't come back"

now, the day after that (thursday) i went to the south of taiwan with four dudes and ripped it up. as chance would have it my korean lovely was also going to taiwan with her friend around the same time (we'd already discussed before i visited her hometown). our times overlapped, so i arranged to meet on the monday, after a raging weekend. imagine my surprise when she contacts me on the sunday evening. as it happens it was incredible. we partied on the beach and her friend hooked up with one of my guys. we were making out and looking for somewhere to fuck and it started raining and lightning was coming in. magical. for us both it was an unforgettable experience.
after that we rode together to the nearest big city, all seven of us, and then went our separate ways. i had a couple days left and so did the two girls, and we were all going to taipei, but i'd already discussed with my girl that i wouldn't be getting in the way of her and her friend's holiday. i caved a little bit and messaged her, subtly suggesting a meet, but it wasn't to be. looking at the messages, though, i'm proud of how i kept my frame. there's absolutely no trace of neediness or anxiety, which is surprising because it was around this time that i decided i was gonna ask her to marry me.
now i clearly wasn't thinking straight because i'd been drinking, taking drugs, looking after my crying friend who had a nervous breakdown, and i fucked up my shoulder in a drunken fall - even now two months later i still can't use it properly. so that's the state of mind i was in. but since then i think about it a lot. i don't even know if she'd say yes but anyway i'm glad i didn't ask her. though i would have been cool with it if she turned me down.
anyway ... we messaged a bit after taiwan, exchanged photos etc and then she got the job she was waiting for a moved to the big city. we chatted since then, i sent her a phenomenal email and her reply used the word love, twice. and there was no problem at all, we did a little IM chat, and then nothing, for a month or so.

now i can't adequately explain the connection i have with this girl. i know she loves me. i have thousands and thousands of words of correspondence between the two of us. we always had amazing times, she's mentioned slyly many times that she'd like me to move to where she is. but having said all that i still conclude that she's met another guy. that's ok by me. i don't care at all. she knows that.
i asked her, in person, about when she last had sex and told her ''you can tell me the truth, you know that don't you. i won't be upset". i believe her. she's a church going girl and is protective of her reputation. which prompted me to crack a joke about me being sexier than jesus.

so, i'm not gonna ask her to marry me. that moment is gone. but i do wanna keep fucking her. i definitely don't want that to be the last time i ever see her. but i don't wanna break my rule of never opening a girl i fucked. i always wait for the girl to reopen. except maybe a courtesy text the next day. and they always do, reopen. i'm not a one night stand kinda guy. i like to keep my fuck buddies for a long time.

so, how can i reopen her without coming over as needy?

in fact, that's not even my main problem. my problem is with the ethics of it. i know she'd be really pleased to hear from me. but it puts me in the position of weakness, where i've never been with this girl, so it could just be a giant shit test. she could also be really busy with her new job, but no-one's that busy. she probably is fucking somebody else, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't sneak away with me for a weekend. whoever she's fucking isn't better than me anyway, probably younger though.
ethically though, i feel that it's cruel for me to continue seeing her. or prompting her to want to see me. like i don't wanna give her hope for something more. and it might be better for me to be a beautiful memory and gradually fade out of her life.

well, that turned into quite a ramble. hopefully it's concise and clear. thanks for reading. i hope somebody can give me an answer other than GFTOG

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey man, I just saw the other thread where you mentioned this thread wasn't answered, it was deserving of a bit of thought so I was going to chew over it and see if more experienced seducers would jump in, however I will give you my thoughts now.

About the idea of proposing marriage, well I'm embarrassed to admit that I can identify with this, I will briefly describe, so that you know I'm on the same page as where you're at: I was talking to my FWB just before she left Australia and she was saying she wants to return to Australia in the near future to study, however it is difficult and expensive to get a visa. Because I really, really, like this girl my immediate thought was maybe, just maybe, I should put through my divorce papers and then enter into a marriage of convenience with her, so that she can easily come to Australia. Well, the idea has a lot of drawbacks: It would set a very needy frame, plus it would risk my financial security (although I don't think she would take advantage, you never know though). Anyway, I still want to do it, but I know it would never work out.

I don't think there's anything wrong with investing into a relationship that's important to you. With the girl above I've invested quite a lot -- trips to visit her, time spent with her, etc. I think it's really about the return you get on your investment. If it's pushing her away (needy and reaction-seeking) then obviously it's not a good idea to invest. If it's making things stronger (she appreciates it and invests in return) then it's okay. I think you're probably worrying too much about the power balance in this relationship. I'm not a girl, but I'd imagine it would be a turnoff to be with a sexy guy who gives the impression he doesn't give a fuck whether you live or die. In the chasing stages, yes, that's a good image to have, but in a relationship you actually have to show your human and vulnerable side (although maybe not if she's only a FWB).

This brings to another point, which is this girl is obviously more than just FWB to you. If you continue along the FWB trajectory you're probably not being true to yourself, and I wouldn't be surprised if a crack appears and some incongruent behaviour slips in. Although how things are now, she isn't contacting you and might be seeing someone else, so I'd recommend to get things back onto an FWB track before trying to move further. But assuming you can do that, are you willing to give up your lifestyle for this girl? Because if you're not, I think you're just heading for a lot of grief -- and I speak from experience because I was gonna go exclusive with my previous FWB, but in the event, could not do it. Had I foresaw this I could have saved a lot of heartache by not getting so involved with her in the first place.

Now, you can cut yourself loose with minimal heartache. That might not be so easy later on. So I think you have to choose between one of the following options:

• let her go; or
• reopen, see if she's down to meet up, and invest into the relationship

The fact it's long distance also makes it even more complicated. I think long distance relationships have a lot to recommend them, as long as neither party falls in love. It's great to be able to have a complete change of scene and to get together for a really intense weekend of fucking and other stuff like meals and sightseeing etc... while knowing that there's no chance of it affecting your lifestyle because she's so far away that exclusive relationship is just out of the question. Unfortunately though, girls don't always see it this way (clock is ticking... absence makes heart grow fonder... and they unrealistically fantasize about capturing you one day). It might also be problematic for you, if you allow your feelings to take over, but can't properly consummate the relationship because it's only an occasional thing.

Just whatever you do, don't give up your lifestyle and go exclusive for the sake of a LDR, I did this a year or two before discovering GC and became miserable. But you wouldn't be that silly, would you

Ray

 

[lao che]

Thanks man, I'm on phone now so would like to wait till later to write out a proper response.

I'll mull over and address your points when I'm at my computer

 

[Chase]

I met this 30-ish blond Australian guy getting off a bus at the Osaka airport once, and we grabbed a meal together and talked about reconnecting with former lays/girlfriends who were geographically dispersed. He had a girl he'd dated off and on for years in Australia before she moved back to Japan. She'd always come sleep with him even when she had a boyfriend, but now she'd been in Japan a few years and was engaged to get married. He'd written her he was coming and asked to meet up, and at first she said "no", but then she recanted and wrote him back and said they could travel for 3 or 4 days and she'd pay for the hotel.

And I asked him, do you ever feel bad about that? About coming in and you've been gone for years and she's moved on and made this new life for herself, and then you're going to come in with all the emotions you bring and wake up that part of herself again that she thought she'd left behind, and make her feel alive, and then leave, and she'll go back to her world of gray and try to readjust and maybe not be able to?

And he shrugged, and said, "No, not really! She's still my girl, even if I let this other guy borrow her for a while," and that was that.

So I think this is one where you've got to make your own judgment call. It's really a complete gray area - what's the right call here?

As for reopening her, a simple "Hey Su-Yung, I'm going to be in Korea next month - you around?" ought to do the trick. That's all you usually need to set her off, and she'll do all the chasing from there.

Chase

 

[lao che]

chase your story almost sounds apocryphal, but the point is driven home. reminds me of a friend who lives in bangkok, lived in japan before and has been seeing the same (now married) japanese woman, somewhat regularly, since 1999.

in fact it's the one option i hadn't considered, keep the relationship alive but DON'T feel guilty/bad about it.

hmmm food for thought.

@ray, thanks for taking the time to respond and raise some excellent points. good to know you can relate. please, ray, DO NOT enter a marriage of convenience with that girl. you know that it's a bad idea, the potential drawbacks are huge. i'm sure you already arrived at the same conclusion but there you go