Why dating multiple women is making me feel like an asshole

[shades7]

Hey guys,

So I really got into this site a couple of months back when my girlfriend broke up with me, I'd always been reasonably good with women and have pretty solid game but all I really want is to meet that one special girl and settle down, I'm definitely more Ted Mosby than Barny Stinson!. Anyway my ex was everything I thought I wanted, absolutely stunning, great fun and always up for an adventure, problem was like a lot of hot party girls she was crazy, like BPD crazy. When we broke up (she finished with me after I said we needed a break) I was gutted but started reading this site and thought ok, lets get back out there, within a week I'd met a new girl who was also great looking and 26, 5 years younger than my ex (i'm 31), only problem was I was still seeing my ex most days as, due in part to her mental state, she still needed me around for comfort and me being a nice guy I gave it to her. Then after a couple of weeks she found out about the new girl I was seeing and went into full on crazy mode, stalking her and phoning me up having panic attacks, I told her I would end it if she wanted us to get back together but she said she couldn't promise that right now, so I did a stupid thing and told her i'd ended it when I hadn't. Anyway on a night out they end up running into each other in the girls bathroom on a night out and my ex told her everything about me still seeing her and txts I'd sent saying I wanted to get back together, they ended up both telling me to get lost and that was that, lost a great new girl and any possibility of getting back with my ex plus ended up looking like an asshole for lying to them both.

Well a few weeks after this I start dating a young blonde, 21 this time, plus i'm chatting to another 5 or 6 i've met on dating sites, I go out Saturday night for a friends birthday and meet another girl who turns out to be a total slut on the dancefloor (which I'm fine with) but lo and behold the 21 year old blonde is there and also sees this, so when she txts me the next day i try to play it off like it was nothing but now she wont talk to me either. Plus the girl I met in the club came home with me and we had sex but she's all pissed now because I don't want to see her again and one of my close friends who fancied her is also pissed at me for stealing the girl he liked, again I look like a total asshole.

There was another girl I met in a bar who I hooked up with and never called as well.

The thing is I don't live in a big town and more and more I'm seeing these girls out and about who think I'm a total dick now, I really don't want to be the asshole, how do you play this game and still look like the good guy?.

 

[ray_zorse]

Interesting, well firstly this business with the BPD bitch did not exactly display strong frame control, I suspect you are caretaking their feelings. That's certainly the case with the BPD bitch, but I suspect this poisonous trait is creeping in with the other girls as well, that could explain why you're having trouble. Because according to the theory you should be able to have as many women as you want, as long as you're forceful in setting expectations, and their seeing you with another girl should only boost attraction.
Ray

 

[shades7]

Thanks for the response, are you saying I should care less about their feelings?. Are girls really gonna be interested in a guy who's known for dating multiple women and treating them badly, in this day and age they can go on a dating site and have 100s of guys to pick from, why would they risk it?.

I liked being nice to women, all this game playing just seems to be hurting a lot of people including me. Admitadly I'm still hung up on my ex though.

 

[ray_zorse]

You should pretty much forget about their feelings. Not to be an asshole, but the fact is you don't know what anyone's thinking or what their needs are. If there is a problem they will communicate it to you, but you shouldn't try to second guess their feelings and give them what you think they would want (this is what is meant by caretaking).

I recommend you read the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. He goes into this in quite a lot of detail, why guys often feel they have to be nice, and end up doing this caretaking thing, when it's actually the opposite of nice -- you're not giving her the space to be herself and decide for herself what's okay and what bothers her.

Instead, the right way to go about it is to do exactly what you want to do, unembarrassedly and unashamedly. If you want to see multiple women -- go right ahead. Just let them know in a tactful way that that's what's going to happen, rather than leading them on and letting them think you want exclusivity, because if you do that, it's very dishonest. That's what went down with those first 2 bitches, they compared text messages and discovered you were being dishonest. An experienced seducer doesn't need to do this -- he simply tells people what's going to happen, and they have the choice whether to hang out with him on those terms or not. Nobody gets hurt. You can do this.

If you feel that what you're doing is wrong (for instance you try to justify it to her), it subtly colours your interactions and "infects" other people, who then perceive it as wrong. (Cross posted with radeng here, and he's pretty much on the same page about this part I see).

Ray

 

[shades7]

Thanks guys usefully info, I guess I feel I'm in the wrong so start creating that scenario through my actions, being dishonest etc.

One more thing if I do have a one night stand how do I let her down afterwards if I don't want to see her again, this girl from the other night is very in to me and knows a lot of girls in the places I hang out, I don't want her to tell people I just used her for sex then dumped her.

 

[Lotus]

Thanks guys usefully info, I guess I feel I'm in the wrong so start creating that scenario through my actions, being dishonest etc.

There's no reason to be dishonest about seeing multiple girls.

I agree with Radeng and your looking at it wrong. It sounds like you are still buying into the societal norm, that sex is bad, and you feel guilty for it. Somewhere you are communicating "I'm high value and I want a relationship" or your telling yourself that you should.

 

[shades7]

Well I kinda told this girl I'd call her, shall I just not bother?

Getting what you're all saying though and it's very useful, I'd say I'm pretty average looking so the fact that I am attracting so many women tells me I must be doing something right (I have put a lot of effort into becoming the kind of guy women want to date over the last few years), just have to get my mindset right about dating multiple women.

 

[Lotus]

If you want to call her call her, if you don't then don't. Don't tell her something that you have no intent of doing, that is a justified reason for her to think of you as an ass.

Which is why I want to clarify.

Somewhere you are communicating "I'm high value and I want a relationship"

you said

I have put a lot of effort into becoming the kind of guy women want to date over the last few years

but initially you posted

the girl I met in the club came home with me and we had sex but she's all pissed now because I don't want to see her again

Notice the inconsistency? You communicated something that told her, "I want to see you more then just once". Whether it was intentional or not, she felt decieved by your initial frame.

-brum

 

[shades7]

So what I'm doing is attracting these women by coming accross as good potential boyfriend material, when I change the frame to just having fun they feel deceived as it's suddenly a different message, then I either have the choice of reverting to the boyfriend frame and stringing them along (asshole behaviour) or accepting that I have miss sold my intentions and letting them go.

I guess I need to start winning women over the right way, I have a lot more reading to do!.