Why did my ex-gf do this?

[DaVinciMatrixStyle]

This is something that I've been wondering about. I dated a girl (attention-seeking type/party girl) who was really into me for awhile. She would call me everyday (even though she knew I was dating someone). This is something that happened a while back, but I'm curious to the psychology of why this is.

Basically, she stalked me on my social media and saw that I was talking to a girl that I used to date and she flipped shit. When that happened I agreed it was disrespectful of me to do that when we're in a relationship and I agreed to cut her off. After a few days, she asked me to 'hack' her social media and just write a letter.

Anyway, a chat pops up from her ex boyfriend. They've been talking to each other for the longest time (even though we were dating). And I was mind-blown. Why would she ask me to stop yet she continues to talk to her ex?

I actually confronted her and she said "you're so insecure" and basically trying to shame me. I was really young at the time. But now that I look back, she definitely had some insecurity issues. But I've also seen this happen with other guys where a girl will try to make her guy stop flirting yet she continues to flirt despite it being 'disrespectful' for the relationship.

What is going through her emotions when she does this? I'm looking to understand than a general 'she's insecure' comment.

Thank you

 

[DarkKnight]

"I dated a girl (attention-seeking type/party girl) "

 

[trashKENNUT]

Women, Extreme Cases

I have dated two women who basically lied on me, I would not go on a whole lot of detail but it's such extreme cases (i would label them) because it involves so much about her, and not about me. Maybe there's a part that it was me who is at fault, because anywhere, you always play some role in a...

www.skilledseducer.com

Ignore the rants. But do read the post. Women are all about themselves.

Just how it is. Your girl reminds me of that girl. She is a complex character.

You just need to date girls who are less of this.

z@c+

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@DaVinciMatrixStyle dude! Most people project their insecurities onto other people because that is their viewpoint so they expect everyone to be like that. To call you out on this behaviour is to hide her actions. Most people that worry about being cheated on usually go out and cheat... though this projection model is too simplified and there's a lot of nuances to this.

A girl will push you for commitment so that she gets all your attention exclusively. She knows you're committed if you're not talking to anyone else and this makes her feel safe which she thinks she wants. This kills her attraction because you're too invested in her at this point and so talking to other dudes becomes fun for her. In this case she probably didn't stop but again her default is to get as much attention as possible and if he's happy to sit, orbit and validate her she will keep him there.

You lost yourself when you accepted her frame and apologised for your disrespectful behaviour. If you honestly felt you were disrespectful you wouldn't have done it, if you had nothing to hide you wouldn't be bothered. This shown you were more interested in the relationship that she's domesticated you. There's better ways to handle this firstly don't apologise for your actions you didn't do anything wrong.

This is a sexual prizing moment where you can show high value by not falling in line and painting it that these girls are all over you. "Yeah she messaged me asking blah blah blah, it would be rude to ignore her" now it appears your ex is chasing you, you're being polite and social, you thought you'd be nice which is a better image to portray.

You could have flipped this from the start of the accusation, "I think it's cute you're stalking my social media. I don't know why you're so worried A) I don't give second chances B) she gave me a compliment and I said thanks C) it's very sweet you're protective of me D) ... social media.. you're a little insecure, I'm not like those dudes...

Dating has a lot of double standards dude and a lot of people will do this to control the relationship. This is about power and getting in the one up position. Whoever's in the one up position controls the relationship, this should be the dude.

 

[DaVinciMatrixStyle]

Thanks flux, that makes a lot of sense.

@DaVinciMatrixStyle

You lost yourself when you accepted her frame and apologised for your disrespectful behaviour. If you honestly felt you were disrespectful you wouldn't have done it, if you had nothing to hide you wouldn't be bothered. This shown you were more interested in the relationship that she's domesticated you. There's better ways to handle this firstly don't apologise for your actions you didn't do anything wrong.

So my question is this though, if my girlfriend started talking to her ex-boyfriends while being in a relationship, that would be extremely disrespectful to me if the situation was flipped. Wouldn't this be disrespectful? And is it always about frame control?

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@DaVinciMatrixStyle dude! I hinted at this in my message. There's a lot of double standards in dating...

Something to consider is that dudes appreciate and look for loyalty more than girls. The difference here is preselection works to attract girls, they want what other girls want/have. This doesn't typically work the other way around, not many dudes will want to get involved and can slut shame the girl.

You'll see your girl talking to her ex's as disrespectful (I agree, I want my girls to be loyal to me) and despite her protests what she says is different to what she wants. She wants a sexy man that girls chase so complaining about this is a test to see how you respond.

Usually this falls as a comfort shit test instead of a value shit test and although I wouldn't reward overly emotional behaviour she's looking for reassurance. You handle the shit test as previously mentioned to neutralise her emotion and then when she's calmed down you provide her with comfort.

"I think it's cute you're stalking my social media, she gave me a compliment and I said thanks. I thought it would be rude to ignore her (this will usually neutralise this without apologising) besides I like hanging out with you, who else is going to laugh at my bad jokes" (you address her comfort concerns explaining you like her, but then push it away with something playful which shows that she's overreacted)

Is your actions disrespectful? Maybe, (girls have different values and objectives to dudes) if it was flipped it would be. But you've done it anyway, now that she's called you out on it you're best owning it and controlling the frame rather than following hers. If you crumble she'll lose attraction you're best off frustrating her and raising attraction than pleasing her and losing attraction.

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What you're imposing is a double standard where you can do this but she can't. Setting this up in itself is frame control and she has to be compliant to you. If she's desperate to keep you she'll be loyal, she'll try and impress you to make you commit. You've got to set the right expectations for this.

Folding to her demands (to please her and save the relationship), letting her set the double standard has put her in the driving seat. A dude with 5 other girls wouldn't care about upsetting one...

The lesson learned is to be covert, especially if you're supposed to be in a monogamous committed relationship. If you're called out, own it.