Woman bending over backwards to make you jealous: how to handle?

[lux7]

I've been seeing a woman for 2 months -her own calculation, I had no idea before she told me-.


RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
We mostly meet at my place once every 10 days or so for 3-4h, eat and do what we gotta do.
She often cooks for us and sometimes also prepares a cake that I use for breakfast the day after.
She invited me more than once to go to holidays with her friends, and then lowered the stakes inviting me for a shorter one on one Rome trip over the weekend.
I somehow deflected all the invites.

I listen to her all the times though and try to make her feel valued.

Overall she's a pretty cool friend for me... If it wasn't for all her shenanigans aimed at making me jealous.


HER STORIES
She always has a story of someone chasing after her;
about her ex getting drunk and texting what an idiot he was messing it up -she copy pastes the actual Wassup thread-;
about the stalker commenting on her pictures -guess what? Posts the convo-.

Kinda of funny, till she came out the other day with this story which I felt was too much...


THE ONE THAT WENT TOO FAR
She writes she's feeling very low and that she cried and that she needed to tell me something.
I write I can't reply as I'm working but she can go on.

The story was about this dude who she met in a bar and that kept texting her.
They met again and he was very open about telling all his things -might not be a coincidence I don't say much- and he was so honest and sincere.
They didn't have sex but she fell in love with him in a matter of days. It had never happened to her before.

End of her message:

Her:
"Im sorry to tell you this" <---yeah, sure-
"I haven't slept with him yet" <--- slight push to get me begging her not to?
"not at all"
"I guess you probably hate me now" <---I don't, but you're losing value faster than an iceberg in a desert
"Forgive me" <---don't see anything I need to forgive, we're not a couple


Me:
why should I hate you

Her
appreciate you to undestand me
if you still wanna see me
Might see you on Wed
just let me know



OPINIONS
How would you suggest to handle?
I don't feel like calling her out bluntly, but I can't keep being at the receiving end of these games.

 

[trashKENNUT]

lucifer7,

Signs of a narcissistic yet also problematic girl. I kind of love-hate this kind of girl but they are like that. I don't know the implications of sleeping with this girl, but i have learn that the past guys she dated are pretty much fucked up. Haha

i kind of rush with my comment here. I hope it wasn't off.

Zac

 

[Chase]

Lucifer-

I'm with Zac on the sort of problem you're facing. I myself just straight hate this sort of behavior - no love-hate needed.

When I run into this with a girl I've been seeing, here are the sorts of responses they see with me:

• Her: I think I'm falling for someone else!
  Me: I understand. He sounds like an awesome guy!
  Her: I still like you too though! What should I do!
  Me: It sounds like he's a really good match for you and the two of you should be together.

I'm then just a super cold dick to them, and they apologize and explain it's just shenanigans to get more attention from me, and I (still very indifferent to them) tell them well if they keep this sort of thing up, they really WILL need to start looking for someone else because I don't tolerate these sorts of needless attempts to make me jealous, because I don't get jealous, I just find someone else who won't play these games to spend my time with instead.

As you might guess, the games vanish pretty quickly after that. You need to tell her what to do if she wants more of your attention though: who she needs to be, how she needs to act, etc. Give her a path toward getting what she wants so she doesn't feel like she needs to resort to this nonsense.

Alternately, if you're happy where things are and don't want to give her any more, explain that to her: you seem like you're trying to make me jealous to get me into some sort of committed relationship, but the way we have things set up right now is what I'm looking for and I'm not in a position to offer you any more. If you need to part ways and find someone else who can give you what I can't, I understand, but so long as we're together I don't want you playing these games with me, because frankly they aren't very interesting to me and are mostly a distraction and an annoyance.

Chase

 

[lux7]

Lucifer-

I'm with Zac on the sort of problem you're facing. I myself just straight hate this sort of behavior - no love-hate needed.

When I run into this with a girl I've been seeing, here are the sorts of responses they see with me:

• Her: I think I'm falling for someone else!
  Me: I understand. He sounds like an awesome guy!
  Her: I still like you too though! What should I do!
  Me: It sounds like he's a really good match for you and the two of you should be together.

I'm then just a super cold dick to them, and they apologize and explain it's just shenanigans to get more attention from me, and I (still very indifferent to them) tell them well if they keep this sort of thing up, they really WILL need to start looking for someone else because I don't tolerate these sorts of needless attempts to make me jealous, because I don't get jealous, I just find someone else who won't play these games to spend my time with instead.

As you might guess, the games vanish pretty quickly after that. You need to tell her what to do if she wants more of your attention though: who she needs to be, how she needs to act, etc. Give her a path toward getting what she wants so she doesn't feel like she needs to resort to this nonsense.

Alternately, if you're happy where things are and don't want to give her any more, explain that to her: you seem like you're trying to make me jealous to get me into some sort of committed relationship, but the way we have things set up right now is what I'm looking for and I'm not in a position to offer you any more. If you need to part ways and find someone else who can give you what I can't, I understand, but so long as we're together I don't want you playing these games with me, because frankly they aren't very interesting to me and are mostly a distraction and an annoyance.

Chase

Feels like the first option might work well, though it's dependent on them to actually explaining.
The second verbalizes it which can lead to quarrelling and denying, though on the other hand you take the lead and have more control as it's not dependent on her backpedaling.
Though it might

 

[lux7]

NEXT.

You're in this situation because you sent mixed messages about what you wanted from her. What you did right was only see her every ten days or so (and I hope you were having sex every time). But by allowing her to cook for you and spending 3-4 hours together, you were sending signals that you were open to something more serious.

Now she is going into hard-wired girl lockdown mode, which all of them will do if your boundaries are weak and none of them will do if your boundaries are strong. Of course, the most important thing is knowing what you want ahead of time and sticking to it...did you?

That said, I used to spend a lot of time doing what you're doing--posting conversations online and trying to figure out all the "micro" stuff. Nowadays, I don't ever get into that situation, but if I did, I would smack myself for not having a strong Frame earlier and then NEXT because I can't stand it when women (or anyone) tries to steal my time and energy like that.

I would rather not be getting laid than getting laid at the cost of dealing with infantile behavior.

NEXT that one for a while and get more girls in your rotation, these little micro issues will magically disappear because you'll stop caring.

Her: "I think I'm falling for someone else!" (obvious ploy for attention and energy)
Me: "ok" or a random emoticon, then NEXT for a week and act like nothing happened.

Engaging with it in the strong-handed way Chase described will work well with highly emotional girls, and yet I almost guarantee it will pop back up later if you do that because explaining and verbalizing and processing IS STILL DRAMA. Don't feed the troll. Nonchalance for the win. I just don't care enough to explain what she's doing wrong when ignoring her for a week says everything you'd need thousands of words to otherwise say.

Drexel,

We're missing the ultimate goal here: it's not about "(getting more girls so you) don't care".
I already don't care much.

It's about making both people the better off, while sticking to what you wanted.
Our actions have an impact on others and we have a responsibility to (at least try) not hurting people around us, and "nexting" without any proper handling is a bit selfish.

On having set the wrong frames, most likely indeed, I just can't yet pinpoint what it is.

Not sure the food: we meet at dinner time and her bringing food saves both time and (my) resources.
Time is not: 3-4h including eating and a couple of sex sessions is not much.
Not the "romance": I met her only once in the afternoon without sex for lunch, but that was it, just an hour.
Not the "situation/timing": she's older with a young kid, (much) richer and seemed open to non-committed relationship.

I think it might be that I listen very much to what people say and make a lot of questions and that might make women feel a deeper connection, sort of a consequence of a "prolonged, multi-days deep dive".

 

[lux7]

That said, I used to spend a lot of time doing what you're doing--posting conversations online and trying to figure out all the "micro" stuff. Nowadays, I don't ever get into that situation, but if I did, I would smack myself for not having a strong Frame earlier and then NEXT because I can't stand it when women (or anyone) tries to steal my time and energy like that.

I'm very interested in this part: what do you mean more exactly and what do you do to set a stronger frame earlier?

 

[lux7]

That said, I used to spend a lot of time doing what you're doing--posting conversations online and trying to figure out all the "micro" stuff. Nowadays, I don't ever get into that situation, but if I did, I would smack myself for not having a strong Frame earlier and then NEXT because I can't stand it when women (or anyone) tries to steal my time and energy like that.

I'm very interested in this part: what do you mean more exactly and what do you do to set a stronger frame earlier?

If a woman thinks there's even a chance she's going to get more out of a fling with me than fun, no-strings attached hot sex, then I did something wrong at the beginning. It never happens anymore, because my Frame is extremely solid:

1. I'm a player with better things to do than worry about relationships
2. I am self-fulfilled and don't need love or validation from women (or anyone)
3. I fuck tons of girls

I openly talk about sexual adventures and flings with women, talk about my goals, and demonstrate very early on through ignoring or reframing "shit tests" that I'm not the kind of guy they would bring home to Mom. Sometimes our fling develops into a "relationship" of sorts, depending on how I feel about her after we've hooked up a few times, but every single time it is a HUGE surprise to them that I'd even consider spending more time with them than just hooking up.

Women are never, ever "surprised" when I don't feel like going on dates or whatever, and in fact, rarely or never even ask. It's always a gift from me to them, a reward for good behavior. My frame is pure Lover, with a tiny hint of Provider potential that I only unveil more of once we've been sexual together.

Women never play the jealousy card with me, or if they do I don't notice, because in the words of TI--"could give a fuck what you do when I'm not around."

I see what you mean now.

I wouldn't always see it as a consequence "weak frame" though.
Personally I wouldn't aim at only having a "lover frame" because even though I might not want a relationship I might still like spending time with women also outside of bed and as long as they (mostly) bend to my plans I wouldn't mind having a lunch or walk/talk.
If I don't even wanna have a lunch or talk with them, then chances are I won't hook up with them (exception apply of course).

But thanks, now it's clear.

 

[lux7]

Also, there's a 99% chance she already fucked the guy you mentioned in the thread.

The only reason she mentions it to you is because she's trying to get you into a relationship, which is why I said something about your Frame was off earlier. Men with a solid Lover frame don't mistakenly let women think they might have relationship potential.

Eheheh funny I hadn't even thought about that, maybe I'm still too naive!
I wouldn't put it at 99% but indeed very possible .

Peace with that anyway