"Yes but it's not a date"

[orkie123]

I've had a few variations of this lately and I'm a little confused exactly whats going on.

Example 1 from a few months ago:

We meet at social event, neither of us knew many people there. We spend quite a bit of time talking, then left together and walked for a bit more. Logistics wasnt there but some sexual tension for sure.

Few days later I texted her to go for a drink.

Her response "Yes but just as friends"

We ended up going out a couple of times, had sex twice but she wanted a relationship so it broke off. Point being - what was the point of "but just as friends"? I just agreed and did my own thing anyway, but it feels like the "ok but we are not going to have sex" which means most probably we are.

Example 2:
Today I had another girl text me similar

" yea, sounds good. But I want to make clear straight away that im not interested in dating or anything like that"

I met her in a house party where social situation was similar to 1st example where neither me nor her knew basically anyone so its not like there is risk of reputation damage.

Am I doing something wrong in the initial interactions or is this just another thing you ignore?

 

[HoofHearted]

We ended up going out a couple of times, had sex twice but she wanted a relationship so it broke off.

Kinda sounds like you're doing something right.

Teach me

 

[Derek da man]

Kinda sounds like you're doing something right.

Teach me

Same again

@orkie123 I would imagine it may have somthing to do with the vibe or frame you're setting off.

What are you looking for from girls? Company/hang out, chat, flirting leading to sex, girlfriend material for LTR?

They want to be clear that they don't want you to get emotionally attached and become clingy or demanding - a lot of younger guys can get like this on a first date when you've met before somewhere. It's almost a second date but exclisve this time so guys think it gives them ownership. Maybe you're giving off that kinda vibe or signals?

 

[Bill]

This is normal with younger women, calling something a date is too much pressure and they get cold feet, it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t make things move forward but she wants it to “just happen“.

 

[Skills]

Does not matter, you even get yes but no sex etc....

it does not matter, just take it as a shit test.... "i don't do dates too much pressure just a drink no expectations, i enjoy your company" "sex never went through my mind at all, just a quick meet and greet to see if the vibe is there/just to meet cause i enjoy your company"

sometimes she is letting you know she is not looking for a bf,good as well...

 

[orkie123]

@orkie123 I would imagine it may have somthing to do with the vibe or frame you're setting off.

What are you looking for from girls? Company/hang out, chat, flirting leading to sex, girlfriend material for LTR?

They want to be clear that they don't want you to get emotionally attached and become clingy or demanding - a lot of younger guys can get like this on a first date when you've met before somewhere. It's almost a second date but exclisve this time so guys think it gives them ownership. Maybe you're giving off that kinda vibe or signals?

This is what potentially worries me, that im setting up a bad frame for seduction even if they showed interest. Or that just because they agreed to meet up and things can still happen, it doesnt mean that im not making it harder for mself.

With the 2 examples and another one I just remembered which was very similar, I made clear intent to get to know them, social level of kino but was still chilling with everybody else at the events so I dont think I gave bf/clingy vibes but its hard to judge myself.

My frame can definitely improve and become more consistent with what I want - which is fwb, but it's a little harder to do in events where you are constantly interrupted and dont get much 1-1 time.

This is normal with younger women, calling something a date is too much pressure and they get cold feet, it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t make things move forward but she wants it to “just happen“.

I agree but I never called them dates or make them sound official in any way. Its usually lets grab a drink or variant of that. So that in itself could create ambiguity. Maybe they are just looking for friends but at same time, if that was the case - i imagine they push towards meeting in a future group event.

Does not matter, you even get yes but no sex etc....

it does not matter, just take it as a shit test.... "i don't do dates too much pressure just a drink no expectations, i enjoy your company" "sex never went through my mind at all, just a quick meet and greet to see if the vibe is there/just to meet cause i enjoy your company"

sometimes she is letting you know she is not looking for a bf,good as well...

I hope this is the case as I would say all of these situations, I was in good form (relatively speaking haha) so if there was something that needs changing, it would probably be at a fundamental level.

 

[Skills]

I hope this is the case as I would say all of these situations, I was in good form (relatively speaking haha) so if there was something that needs changing, it would probably be at a fundamental level.

Orkie you are taking too much weight on things women say, and you should not.... I had girls sleep with me and say "this is the last time i will sleep with you" and i banged them a million times after and they got onitis....

she is just expressing push back the sub is "orkie don't have expectations of sex or messing around" is just like a safety thing some girls say due to not knowing your intentions and they at them moment undecisive and feel some apprehension cause they wanting more info... Again does not matter, just agree.... and keep it moving like you been doing...

If you do not want to get the "just a date" change the way you are texting and use the soft close, but again this is no big deal as you can see they are still coming out and you are banging..

 

[ShioriGC]

Kinda sounds like you're doing something right.

Teach me

lmao right? i was thinking the same thing

 

[Adventurer]

I would just go along with it and if they still insist it's platonic during the date, just act offended and joke that they are the one thinking about sex + change the subject.

Worked for me a few times, when it didn't it's because I failed for other reasons (bad conversation or the date really was too platonic)

 

[orkie123]

Orkie you are taking too much weight on things women say, and you should not.... I had girls sleep with me and say "this is the last time i will sleep with you" and i banged them a million times after and they got onitis....

she is just expressing push back the sub is "orkie don't have expectations of sex or messing around" is just like a safety thing some girls say due to not knowing your intentions and they at them moment undecisive and feel some apprehension cause they wanting more info... Again does not matter, just agree.... and keep it moving like you been doing...

If you do not want to get the "just a date" change the way you are texting and use the soft close, but again this is no big deal as you can see they are still coming out and you are banging..

Makes sense and will continue treating it as you have described.

The main reason I asked this question is because it seemed to become a common pattern recently and I was curious on people thoughts. I also thought it may be something that's not ideal despite things working out in the end.

But the responses have confirmed its not a big deal either way and to more or less treat this as a small shit test.

Thank you all

 

[Skills]

Makes sense and will continue treating it as you have described.

The main reason I asked this question is because it seemed to become a common pattern recently and I was curious on people thoughts. I also thought it may be something that's not ideal despite things working out in the end.

But the responses have confirmed its not a big deal either way and to more or less treat this as a small shit test.

Thank you all

One more thing, have you been with a girl that say "sex is not going to happen" then you bang her similar idea...

 

[Derek da man]

I made clear intent to get to know them

If you said this like this you just put yourself in the BF box. If you said it far more ambiguosly like @Skills said you've kept your options open

"i don't do dates too much pressure just a drink no expectations, i enjoy your company"

 

[orkie123]

One more thing, have you been with a girl that say "sex is not going to happen" then you bang her similar idea...

This is my fav line because if I hear it, sex does happen 99% haha.

But I thought this may be slightly different, because they are excluding me from bf category as well ("just friends", "not looking to date or anything") etc.

If you said this like this you just put yourself in the BF box. If you said it far more ambiguosly like @Skills said you've kept your options open

I need to be clearer and more specific in my writing. I know what you mean and I don't think I do express myself that way. In the initial time I meet them I deep dive them, strong eye contact, building and releasing pressure etc. Just in small bits because its rare to get a long time on our own when its a group event. Thats what I mean by making it clear i have intent, rather than outright telling them.

 

[rockstar]

Am I doing something wrong in the initial interactions or is this just another thing you ignore?

If you're closing anyway, just ignore. This is either:

1. More to do with the girl. Really worried that you're expecting something, wants to feel like she's not easy, the type to just say a bunch of shit to see what happens, etc.

2. The way you asked her out sounded a little too serious or suggestive to her, but she was still interested enough to go, so she's trying to frame it as more casual.

If you're getting this over text, just agree and get her out. You have way more tools to game in-person.