Break Ups  The Brit and The Colombian: A post-mortem on a 7-month relationship

Hi, been a casual reader of GC for several years, dipping in and out when needed but have now fully signed up due to the pretty sudden dissolution of my latest LTR. It's a cliche, I know. Guy in pain, searches for answers etc... But still, having an outsider view, even when they'll never have all of the pertinent information, can still be of some value, so here goes...

I'm 33 and I live in a large town in south-west England. Over a year ago I moved home with my parents to study for a Masters degree at a nearby business school. Last December, while on Bumble I matched with a very cute, smart and sexy 26-year-old Colombian girl who randomly happens to live in my hometown having moved there in September 2019. She herself had just completed her own masters in a business-related subject in the UK and had moved to my hometown for a new job.

We had our first date before Christmas, which went well (though nothing sexual occurred). She then went back to Colombia (Bogota to be exact) for a few weeks over Christmas. When she returned in January, she got in touch to let me know she was back and we started regularly dating. Progress was slowish but I made clear my attraction/intention and after a few more dates we began to get sexual. Part of the reason progress was slow was that she told me over Christmas while home she had surgery to remove breast implants she originally had inserted aged 19 and her body was obviously in recovery. I also knew she was recently out the other end of a FWB "situationship" with an Italian friend she made during her Masters and it was a period where she "suffered a lot" i.e. she desired an LTR with this guy but it was not forthcoming.

We continued to date through February and gradually we developed a real connection in all aspects. We both indicated we felt what we had together had a lot of potential and things just kept improving. At the end of that month she took a one day/night trip to London to see some of her Masters friends. I believed it would just be her female friends but on the Sunday, after cancelling our date that day, she called me in the evening to tell me that the previous night while in London she had ended up sleeping with this Italian friend again. She told me she is a very sexual person and that she hadn't planned it and she regretted it hugely. I was gutted at what happened when we had such promise together and she seemed completely devastated at her own actions. I was compelled to call off our budding relationship and I assumed that would be it, as hard as that was to accept.

End of March, as UK lockdown began I posted an early morning Instagram story. Two hours later she posted something very similar and included a reference to an in-joke of ours. Clearly this was a signal, and a sort of proxy game began where we would reply to each other indirectly through Instagram stories over the course of a few days. I still felt like there was something between me and her but resolved that it couldn't be me who made the first step to get in touch. She had fucked up and she had to be the one who actually make direct contact. Which she did, April 1st.

This quickly escalated into a video-chat where she told me about how what she had done was a catalyst to a personal crisis and moment for personal growth. She had begun meditating, therapy, journaling and realised even though we hadn't been together a long time that she missed me deeply and wanted to see if she could have another chance. She seemed very sincere and genuine and I held no grudge. She really seemed to take ownership for what she did and I too felt we still had something there worth exploring.

But due to the fucking lockdown, even though we were only a mile apart, we couldn't physically be together yet. As it happened I was myself very busy with finishing up work on my masters and we did "break" lockdown once by meeting up in late April, where she told me she loved me and we spent a few hours just walking around, kissing and hugging etc. But that was all we could do until May 22nd when I was finally free of assignment purgatory and we could be together. During this lockdown period I was careful to not bombard her with texts and we generally video-chatted once or so per week. One thing I would say is that this girl was delighted at being given a second chance with me. She was just was very happy and sweet and seemed so grateful and adoring.

Anyway, May 22nd and we finally started being together properly and thus started a summer of love basically. It was a phenomenal time. I would generally sleep at her place (she has a large loft/attic room with its own separate bathroom in a sharehouse) about twice per week, usually the weekend, and we'd also meet up about once during the work week. We would take trips to the beach, the countryside, go on long hikes and walks. I showed her around and we had some beautiful adventures. We fell in love and things improved each and every week. Overall it was an idyllic period with a lot of love, respect, fun and intimacy. As a GF she has that latina sweetness, which is hard to describe but we never really argued or had any disputes or toxic disagreements. We treated each other with dignity, generosity and respect. I've never had a GF who was like her. She wasn't perfect of course but truly there was little that I felt was wrong or "off" or that I couldn't handle. It was generally a relationship that was very loving and positively-charged.

Then a second lockdown was announced at Halloween. Around this time, again, things had been really good. But two weeks later, Friday 13th (I know) she initiated a break-up. I wrote her a letter last Friday where I tried to summarise where I felt what had happened and the causes therein, and we met-up the next day, Saturday 21st and having already read my letter she said "lets try" to resuming/continuing our relationship but that we should take it slow and not rush. I agreed. The initial break-up was like a bolt from the blue and truly shocked me. There was so much positive signalling that it seemed so bizarre things could just simply turn on a dime. But they had. And how.

We then met just this past Tuesday, 48 hours ago. After picking her up from work and going to her place, it was clear we couldn't just pretend like nothing had ever happened. We would kiss and get physically close but she would withdraw and cite that "she wasn't ready" etc. I wasn't pushing things in an aggressive manner but I was trying to see if her resistance could be surmounted. It couldn't. There was just this invisible barrier and it was like the magic we once shared had been diluted. She would tell me she loves me but it was like she lost that faith in us and in me. I could see she was trapped in her own mind, constantly analysing and thinking.

During the evening we had arranged to have a consultation with her spiritual coach back in Colombia over Zoom. Our shared interest in spirituality had been one of the things that brought us together, but while she had become turbo-charged in enthusiasm for all things spiritual as a result of her "personal crisis", my own interest, while growing in recent years after a long fallow period, is not as pronounced or as a overt. The consultation was interesting and initially illuminating, but given she was translating from Spanish to English, I noticed after about the half-way mark she was beginning to be affected by what she was hearing. Once the consultation was concluded it was like we were both reeling from what had been discussed - and it's this energy that also fed into what I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

There we were lying on her bed like we had countless times before but it was also very different. Despite her being in my arms, our bodies entwined, we would kiss for a bit but we could go no further. After a while of this I realised the futility of what was unfolding and said to her that we can't keep doing this. What if I came over on the weekend but this block between us is still in place? I suggested we meet in a 2-3 weeks for a date but go no contact in the meantime to give us the space we need to clear our thoughts and figure things out. She agreed. I later left around 10:30pm. On my way out I sensed this may be my last ever time at her place. I also noticed that where a picture of us was once prominent on her wall, it had been removed/replaced. And she also had prepared some of my belongings for me to collect (as was planned last Saturday until she agreed to give things another go). I took these with me anyway (some I actually wanted to take home regardless of context).

On my way home, just a short drive, I kept thinking about how about sometimes you need to let things go in order for something new to be reborn. It felt like whatever we had together had essentially just suddenly died and there we were both trying to keep it on life-support. Paradoxically if me and her were/are to ever have a chance we needed to let each other go. I was thinking on this and voice-messaging a friend when she called me at 12:30am. I knew instantly she was calling to say pretty much the same thing and sure enough that was so. She said she just couldn't do it any longer. That she loved me so much but that we couldn't force things. I agreed - even though there is still love and attraction present, it had changed and we could no longer pretend it hadn't despite our fervent wishes to the contrary.

Now, I'm bereft. The last 10 days have been various versions of hell and I'm looking for a life raft for my own sanity and stability.

But before I finish I realise I have neglected to pass on some key information regarding as to why she initiated the break-up to start with:

- She said she had a dawning realisation (in early Nov - just as Lockdown 2.0 began) that she was overall dissatisfied with our sexlife. This was for several reasons (some of which she stated, some I surmise): 1. I lack a strong enough spiritual connection to myself and she could sense this in bed 2. I was selfish in bed; I hardly ever went down on her (a few times) whereas she was always giving me deepthroat BJs (I introduced the practice to her) 3. I had made no real effort to fix my occasional ED issue (which is true). I'd have ED about maybe 10% of the time and each she was affected by it. She even cried on 3 separate occasions across the first 6 months we were together when this was a problem. 4. As a result of the ED trouble, she couldn't trust my erection thus she'd have to go down for me longer and more often then she liked to in order to stimulate it and keep it going each time we'd have sex.

- Sex, as a Latina, is so important to her and her primary means of expressing love and connecting with someone. While we did have some incredible sex and special moments, there simply wasn't enough of them for her feel truly satisfied. And this was something she felt was so vital to her sense of self and relationship standard, that she felt the LTR couldn't go on. And on Tuesday, when discussing things she said to me that this energy is so powerful inside of her and she "doesn't want to cheat on me" or "hurt me". (It's the same energy she talked of when she slept with the Italian but then we we fell in love it either became temporarily satiated or overwhelmed by other emotions).

- Spiritually she felt I am somewhat "stuck" and don't know myself well enough. I needed more direction in this sphere as it was increasingly important to her own life.

- Last Saturday, she also expressed a previously unvoiced worry about my professional prospects. I have finished my Masters and I have resumed a level of part-time work with my previous employer but have not yet transitioned into a full-time new career on the back of my Masters which is a) a result of a long-term physical injury to my elbows I have been working on (successfully) rehabbing since it deteriorated over the summer and b) the fucking coronavirus pandemic utterly destroying the job market. This was never a problem during the summer but since the days have darkened and our LTR was becoming more and more serious I sense she had growing doubts about whether or not I could embark on a new career. Given just before we broke-up we had happily discussed living together from next spring and she was even raising the idea of children and marriage, I suspect she started questioning whether or not I could cash the checks we were writing for our combined future.

- She really really really really really did not want to break-up with me but felt like she had no other choice. She told me from the moment we reconnected after she slept with the Italian (he's truly out of the picture now) she felt like me and her were it "forever". That I would be the man she marries. And throughout the summer and even until like 3 weeks ago she was saying similar things. That when her friend asked if I was "the One" she would state I was. And in our pictures we looked like a picture of love. All of her friends and family back in Colombia were celebratory and also maybe a little envious and everything was set for us to be one day walk down the aisle. Honestly, I am not just making this shit up. It wasn't all puff and sugar. It was real but that's what makes it so hard to fathom how quickly things can turn. The positive reinforcement however made complacement and like Chase says, happy to enjoy the peace.

- Because of the present context, I am no longer as surrounded by women as I once was in work or in wider life. She had no real competition but the same was true of me with her. She works in a female dominant workplace and her housemates are no threat. Social activities are banned and pubs/bars empty. We don't live in a city either so there's not a plethora of people around to the same degree. This was relaxing to me, not having to stress about competition, but also maybe a factor in her decision-making because I am not likely to stray myself.

- And of course, having moved back home to finish my masters I find myself stuck here with my parents aged 33. Now, she loves my parents and got on with them well. She really appreciated a slice of family life while she is living here so far from home and unable to travel back to visit her own family (whom she is close to). But still, while it's maybe understandable for the time in which I'm studying, it's not so alluring now I'm out the other side but unable to take the next step in my life.

- My first clue that all was not well before the break-up came a few days before it actually happened. We met-up on the Monday evening in my car and while we were chatting and life seemed pretty good she revealed to me that she was really missing Colombia. At first, I chalked it up to general homesickness, which would happen every so often with her but then soon pass, but this time it was clear something else was going on. She really did seem quite affected and sort of questioning everything. Later that night at home not suspecting that maybe it was a cover for her burgeoning doubts about me and her, I began to stress about her status here in the UK as an immigrant and whether or not she will want to live here long-term. Of course, when Friday 13th rolled around and we met, I knew something wasn't right. The tone and style of her communication that week was different but I still innocently believed it was because of her homesickness, and not because of our LTR. Hence my shock once she asked if her could "have a talk".

If I had to attribute the biggest reason for the break-up it would be her sexual dissatisfaction. There's no doubt I became a bit drunk off my own success with her (outside the bedroom) and lost sight and hand on the steering wheel, but the speed with which we crashed into rocks has me in a spin. Clearly these issues were silent killers - she herself wasn't fully cognizant of them until it was almost too late to rectify - but still, what do you think?

What am I missing here? What have I seen or not seen? What do I have learn and grow from? Is there any hope for me and her in the future?

I know it's easy to fall into delusion and wishful thinking, but there is/was a lot of love between me and this girl. I've been dumped before and this isn't your classic case of the girl going totally cold. I could see she was in bits and torn up inside. But still, I let her down and unwittingly undermined what was a truly great LTR in so many respects. While I am assertive in some domains, and capable of leading, there's no doubt I did not fully take charge in the most crucial areas: sex, money and spirituality. And you can't just resolve these issues inside 6 days or even 6 weeks. This is months of personal work and evolution minimum.

Anyway, thanks for reading this - I know it's a lot but I hope I have given as much information as is necessary to render at least a halfway accurate analysis.

Ashers

apologies for the double posting. Please feel free to delete this one!

Read this article by chase couple of times understand it, is pretty solid: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-get-your-girlfriend-back

if the sex is not there with latina, specially if she was with an italian, her attraction may be done (she may want out and all the stuff she did not mind about you get maximized when it did not bother her before), now she is in the one up position, you are stress, needy and in the down position looking to FIX IT, which is the reason for this post (and your block of text)... = all of this actions will push her away even more... Here the right move is to give her space...

Why are you having sexual issues and why are you doing to fix them, should not really be happening at 33...

Thanks Skills.

I have not contacted her since we BU. Nor will I. Aside from the letter I gave her the prior week, I had also not pursued or bugged her.

I had read that article by Chase - I consider our issues a combination of progress stalling and relinquishing my previous dominance and strength, thus undermining her attraction level. I wrote the letter on the back of that article but in retrospect, it was too soon. I didn't beg or plead in the letter though.

Reassessing the situation, I didn't necessarily lose interest in myself, but I did begin to lose emotional stability and became overly-invested in "locking" the relationship down. The masculinity I had previously projected became dimmer and with her being latina, this was a killer.

From this point, her level of trust eroded fast and doubts quickly entered the picture taking centre-stage in her mind. All of the "issues" that had hitherto been manageable (and largely resolvable) suddenly became overwhelming obstacles because fundamentally her level of respect, attraction and trust had dipped to a critical level.

But while I knew we were in danger-zone territory, I just didn't know how to arrest the tailspin and we crashed.

That we entered this tailspin, after roughly two weeks of turbulence, is what I have to learn from. Along with working on losing my sexual hang-ups, rebuilding my emotional stability and overall life prospects. Becoming a better man in the truest sense.

Any advice on how to handle yourself when the situation is perilous and the GF has serious doubts/uncertainty/faith? It's so easy to lose your frame and come away from your centre in those moments.

ashers1812 said:

Thanks Skills.

I have not contacted her since we BU. Nor will I. Aside from the letter I gave her the prior week, I had also not pursued or bugged her.

I had read that article by Chase - I consider our issues a combination of progress stalling and relinquishing my previous dominance and strength, thus undermining her attraction level. I wrote the letter on the back of that article but in retrospect, it was too soon. I didn't beg or plead in the letter though.

Reassessing the situation, I didn't necessarily lose interest in myself, but I did begin to lose emotional stability and became overly-invested in "locking" the relationship down. The masculinity I had previously projected became dimmer and with her being latina, this was a killer.

From this point, her level of trust eroded fast and doubts quickly entered the picture taking centre-stage in her mind. All of the "issues" that had hitherto been manageable (and largely resolvable) suddenly became overwhelming obstacles because fundamentally her level of respect, attraction and trust had dipped to a critical level.

But while I knew we were in danger-zone territory, I just didn't know how to arrest the tailspin and we crashed.

That we entered this tailspin, after roughly two weeks of turbulence, is what I have to learn from. Along with working on losing my sexual hang-ups, rebuilding my emotional stability and overall life prospects. Becoming a better man in the truest sense.

Any advice on how to handle yourself when the situation is perilous and the GF has serious doubts/uncertainty/faith? It's so easy to lose your frame and come away from your centre in those moments.

Click to expand...

Break ups, will happen no matter how good you are and we all suffer, till you eventually get kind of numb and used to them... I cover a lot of break up stuff with links and useful stuff with a video here: https://www.skilledseducer.com/thre...et-society-members-seducers-women-gays.22069/

Take sometime and read everything there and different answers... Once you reach a level (which very few guys get to till dozens of break ups) were you can be truly happy alone without women is were is at... But this is a necessary step in your path...

This girl may try to reach out eventually, also you need to be prepare on how to handle that... and how to handle her being with a new dude...

Hey Ahsers!

It may sound trite but you'll get over this.

I don't have much to say on the topic of getting her back but let's have a look at why did things go the way they did in the first place. Here are my two proverbial cents..

You were the rebound boyfriend. This may not be a death verdict in itself but you need to counterbalance that by being a lover, too. If you don't, you'll find yourself sailing on troubled waters.

Look, she got together with you after she failed to wrangle the Italian guy into a relationship. What does that say to you? Also, it took you a looong long time to bed her. Trying to look things from her perspective, I wouldn't be surprised if she was looking for a safe boyfriend to make her feel good about herself.

Here are some articles that explain this in depth:

What Women Want by Chase
Sexual Economics: The Boyfreind and Lover by Alek

Another pattern that I picked up in your post was you losing your frame during the relationship. I may be misusing the term frame here. Let's say leadership instead. If you aren't in charge of the relationship, then either you get dumped or end up being a pussy-whipped lapdog.

You guys agreed her discussing the relationship with her spiritual consultant? Correct? You know what this sounds like? It sounds like you ceded responsibility and control over the relationship to a third party?

It seems that you were following her lead on the spirituality topic. Did by any chance you let yourself get sucked into it too deep because you wanted please her, to have something in common? If that's true, then that's another nail in the coffin. It's good to have things in common but you should be you. Why I ask is this:

ashers1812 said:

- Spiritually she felt I am somewhat "stuck" and don't know myself well enough. I needed more direction in this sphere as it was increasingly important to her own life.

Click to expand...

I parsed this as her saying that she thinks you lack a sense of purpose, self-conviction and it ties to you following her.

Have a look at this article, too.

Relationship Control and Female Domination by Chase

if anyone recalls any sources covering a man's independence, purpose and conviction and how and why that is attractive, then do post them here.

End of two cents. This may have sounded harsh but If I am correct then you will find this usefsomeone to give her some validation.ul. If I'm missing the mark here, then just disregard

Regards,
Rakkum

@Rakkum Firstly, I appreciate that you took the time to read all of that post. It was a lot, and I am grateful for your thoughts in response.

Regarding the rebound boyfriend, obviously, I am not objective, But I did live the experience, and I am in two minds about this. I can see what you're saying, and I do believe there is a real element of truth to it, particularly at the start when we first were dating. She was new in town and didn't know many people. She was lonely and I believe the Italian guy even came to our town on a couple occasions during her initial two or so months here, travelling from London on a weekend. We started dating as her and the Italian were winding down, which is obvious rebound territory. Yet when we reached a point in our early days whereby commitment became more of a thing she sabotaged that by electing to sleep with him one last time...

But once we reconciled, it really did feel like our relationship achieved escape velocity. We'd had a month to cool off and things felt very "fresh" and clean. Any residue regarding the Italian and her FWB situation with him quickly expired and while we did discuss it openly, the energy from both of us felt like it was completely over and we had truly moved on. Then it was all about us and our relationship, and things really escalated from there.

As for the Italian, he is still part of her friendship group from her Masters, but he has reunited with his own ex-girlfriend, and he and my ex have not really spoken since. Aside from one phone call ages ago where they both agreed that it was over between them, which she told me about. I never felt he was a factor going forward at all tbh.

RE: having sex - yeah it took us roughly three weeks of dating to become physically intimate. But one thing I omitted in my original post, was that during her time in Colombia over the holidays, she had surgery to remove breast implants which were inserted when she was 19. Therefore she was in physical recovery and had to take it easy for at least 6 weeks post-surgery. Plus, she was naturally insecure and conscious of her body after such a procedure. That was a definite impediment to us becoming that sexual. I think we first had sex 8 weeks post and she slept with the Italian at around 10 weeks post.

During the summer, I felt very confident and relaxed in our relationship. I held a strong frame and she was often the one that was coming to me. One thing that has become evident to me since is that in October I fell even more deeply in love with her. And when the second lockdown was announced I definitely became destabilised and lost emotional control. At least to the degree where she subconsciously sensed it.

I agree regarding the spiritual consultant. It was a mistake. It should have been private between me and him and allowing her to translate created the wrong dynamic. As you said, I agreed to it to please her because she had just agreed to give us another go and I didn't want to seem like I was avoiding working on myself. Previously in our relationship, I had resisted similar requests, but clearly, that was when I was feeling more in control and less in the one-down position.

I do have a sincere interest in spirituality, but it should remain my own interest on my terms and in this instance, it was a mistake to have agreed to that consultation. He was able to ask questions such as what external obstacle could I see that prevents me from marrying her etc. Really emasculating shit like that.

I do have a vision and a purpose in my life. She knows this. I tend to see this more as she was implying that I am not executing strongly enough on the vision and inputting enough effort into my goals.

In the days since even posting the thread, it's become clear to me that yes I made mistakes, and I definitely began to overinvest a few weeks before the breakup. But I also think it's important to recognise that my ex had her own flaws, her own programming and that her own personality and psychological history is a very influential factor in how things played out.

For instance, while her parents are still together in Colombia, when she was nine or 10 she discovered her dad in the act of cheating on her mum. She says it took years to get over that and forgive her dad. However, she also knows that her dad has had several such affairs. And she would tell me that her mum was often sceptical of my integrity because she is so scarred by what my ex's dad did. Her mum would say stuff like "are you sure he doesn't have a secret wife and child?!" and similar cynical crap. My ex was aware of this pattern and realised how silly most of it was but having such a voice in your life when it's your own mother must have something of a warping effect.

On top of this, her brother is in the middle of divorcing his wife, after he cheated on her. So while her family remains intact, they have suffered damage and I believe she has many limiting beliefs around love and trust and fidelity. It's almost like what we had was so good, she became scared. That the same pattern in her family would play out in her. That love doesn't work out and ultimately ends in disappointment or resentment and betrayal.

I recall now how twice in the weeks prior to our breakup she asked if I trusted her. This was a question she never asked once over the summer. So why ask it now? Of course, I said yes. She told me I could, and seemed very sincere about it. Looking back, this was clearly an indication that she was becoming scared and the latent programming mentioned above was reactivating after remaining dormant over the summer.

If we're going to become a possibility once more, yes I have to work at my own game and my own self, But it's clear now that my ex also has to be challenged regarding her commitment issues and limiting beliefs. As this is the second time now that when things have stepped up a level between us, she ejects. I had hoped this internal programming in her had successfully been exculpated after what occurred in the spring but it would seem not.

Thank you for the article links. I have read the relationship frame one last week but I will read the other two now in earnest.

Once again, thank you for reading and replying. If you have any further thoughts I would love to hear them.

@ashers1812 dude! If she sabotaged becoming official by sleeping with this dude one more time why did you commit? That is unacceptable behaviour and a clear indication of disrespect. She should be proving herself in the beginning of the relationship and she's proven she's not an LTR candidate.

If you're FWB, FBs, or an open relationship sure dude but you committed here. Meet more girls dude! You're even qualifying her behaviour now... read the suggested articles by @Rakkum and the break up post and advice given by @Skills

Fluxcapacitor said:

@ashers1812 dude! If she sabotaged becoming official by sleeping with this dude one more time why did you commit? That is unacceptable behaviour and a clear indication of disrespect. She should be proving herself in the beginning of the relationship and she's proven she's not an LTR candidate.

If you're FWB, FBs, or an open relationship sure dude but you committed here. Meet more girls dude! You're even qualifying her behaviour now... read the suggested articles by @Rakkum and the break up post and advice given by @Skills

Click to expand...

Hey Fluxcapacitor, thanks for replying.

For the avoidance of doubt, when I said ‘one more time’, I didn’t mean in a calculated fashion. More spur of the moment which ended up being the last time. When it came to reconciling 4/5 weeks later, I hadn’t chased her, and she came back to me. I listened to what she had to say, and recognised she had to prove herself. After all, the ‘sabotage sex’ had come out of nowhere and completely derailed what was otherwise a very promising relationship.

She was full of remorse, regret, and took ownership of the issues that led to the sabotage. I believed what she said. She recognised it as a form of self-sabotage. Also, in the interregnum, I had dated other girls but the Colombian and the the way ended wasn’t easy to forget. When we talked after reconnecting she made clear she had learnt a lot about herself and seemed very disappointed and shocked at her own behaviour. But she realised she really wanted a relationship. That she felt ready. The crisis had woken her up to wanting to move to new, more mature and serious phase of life. Given the previous potential, and our clear chemistry I was minded to give her a second chance.

Maybe I am qualifying her behaviour to some extent, but no girl is a blank canvas or an empty vessel. We all have have a combination of biological and psychological impulses, and programming, some of which is cultural, familial, or simply innate to their being. Clearly my ex has had some traumatic experiences in her family and in life as I wrote above. But there was also relationship drama such as her first love cheating on her repeatedly. Her last adult relationship (when she lived in Miami) was very toxic and may have been somewhat abusive. Most of her adult life over the last seven years has therefore been spent trying to avoid more committed relationships (minus a couple of examples) and live a rather free life. For example, look how she’s ended up in my inauspicious hometown in the UK all the way from from Colombia. It’s really random and indicative of a rather adventurous, independent soul.

I don’t think all this can be discounted in trying to understand her and why we broke up. What was my role in it and what was her role in it. It helps me to process things. And when you examine the bigger picture, at two junctions in our time together, she bailed out of nowhere. Yet the rest the time it was smooth sailing and things were going great guns. For sure, my creeping over-investment and weakening frame in the latter weeks likely triggered her commitment alarms. I didn’t handle the start of lockdown 2.0 well. But there is no doubt that part of her wanted that commitment, yet the other part perhaps became frightened, reactivating some of those limiting beliefs which gradually gained the upper-hand leading to her once more derailing what we had.

I will never know the full truth of her motivations. It’s likely never will she. But in what I do know of her, it’s easy to spot some patterns now in retrospect. If she ever does want a real enduring LTR in her life, clearly these are issues she will have to confront and release. Likewise, I have my own shit to work on. And that does include meeting more girls absolutely. But I don’t think it’s healthy for me to assume complete responsibility for the breakup. I definitely messed up on leading the relationship forward but it does take 2 to tango after all.

Yeah, I have read the Skills post and also watched his video. I will go over both once again. And also digest the two articles by Chace I haven’t yet read.

Merci beaucoup

@ashers1812 dude! Again you're justifying her behaviour, you're rationalising this which is a limiting view you currently have.

The biggest thing to take from this is screening, this girl is damaged goods. This is known as a cluster B and you should really avoid these girls. There's an article about cluster B girls, how to identify them and why you should avoid them that I recommend you read dude.

How is calling out her psychological programming and environmental influences justifying her behaviour? It’s simply analysis. What was worse was before when I absolved her of any responsibility whatsoever for what happened. It’s actually calling her behaviour for what it is, which is evidence of her unsuitability to be in a serious relationship right now.

I read the Cluster B article, and she’s nothing like that. She’s not unstable or erratic or ridden with anxiety or prone to histrionics. I have briefly dated a couple girls like that, and I know what to look for and she’s definitely not in that category. Otherwise, she would’ve been gone a long time ago. She just has likely a semi-avoidant attachment style and a history of particular traumas which negatively affect her subconscious when it comes to long-term relationships. In many other respects, she was a normal girl.

I agree about screening. If my ex was to come back to me at some point, I will not pursue anything beyond FWB unless there was overwhelming evidence she had grown as a person and was fully cognisant of her present barriers, and truly ready for an LTR. That would be a much higher threshold to cross than it was in the spring.

As for now, it’s about going no contact and re-committing to my own life and growth.

ashers1812 said:

How is calling out her psychological programming and environmental influences justifying her behaviour? It’s simply analysis. What was worse was before when I absolved her of any responsibility whatsoever for what happened. It’s actually calling her behaviour for what it is, which is evidence of her unsuitability to be in a serious relationship right now.

I read the Cluster B article, and she’s nothing like that. She’s not unstable or erratic or ridden with anxiety or prone to histrionics. I have briefly dated a couple girls like that, and I know what to look for and she’s definitely not in that category. Otherwise, she would’ve been gone a long time ago. She just has likely a semi-avoidant attachment style and a history of particular traumas which negatively affect her subconscious when it comes to long-term relationships. In many other respects, she was a normal girl.

I agree about screening. If my ex was to come back to me at some point, I will not pursue anything beyond FWB unless there was overwhelming evidence she had grown as a person and was fully cognisant of her present barriers, and truly ready for an LTR. That would be a much higher threshold to cross than it was in the spring.

As for now, it’s about going no contact and re-committing to my own life and growth.

Click to expand...

i found this video too is pretty nice take:


Edit.- waiting on the part if she slept after with some dude or not, so i deleted handling well

Wow there really is a LOT of rationalizations going on in this post. Flux is totally right... You should not have even taken her serious after she had slept with the Italian dude. Also her psychological background is irrelevant. I read this entire post and see just one thing: This man didn't replace her when he had to.

Also the part where you guys only live a mile from eachother but couldn't break lockdown.. I bet that was her grand idea right? Since she already seemed to set the tone of the relationship.

DarkKnight said:

Wow there really is a LOT of rationalizations going on in this post. Flux is totally right... You should not have even taken her serious after she had slept with the Italian dude. Also her psychological background is irrelevant. I read this entire post and see just one thing: This man didn't replace her when he had to.

Also the part where you guys only live a mile from eachother but couldn't break lockdown.. I bet that was her grand idea right? Since she already seemed to set the tone of the relationship.

Click to expand...

^ if this is true which i miss, once you break up, one of the consequences is that you become her white nigth, and defense attorney i explain that on my video and post...

You will defend and rationalize her wrong doing...


Again assuming she slept with some italian, i think he said that was pre relationship (did i miss this?)