Break Ups Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis (obsession with one girl or neediness) in the same way a regular person who does not have as much access to sex as we do.

The reason for this video is due to a close seducer friend and one of the top legendary guys in the community is going through a rough break up situation (please don't ask or guess names out of respect), just like I did and Tyler did couple of years back (we both experience the break up towards the same point in time). So secret society members which include women, gays and seducers(no beginners) can get laid or have access to vagina fairly quick so such community advice such as go out and fuck 10 other girls, will not work. The reason such advice won't work is cause a seducer is not a normal guy who has scarcity when it comes to sex (the average normal guy has only has 7 partners in a lifetime, a seducer can have 7 partners in a week), women/gays (can have 7 partners in a day) despite of how they look.

So my point is getting laid is not the problem reproducing the emotions/pair bonding you develop with the girl is the tough part, this is specially more difficult cause we pick girls when it comes to girlfriend/main girls from an abundance of women, so is hard for us to just give our hearts to anybody.

There are 2 main reasons why women leave a seducer:

1.- The lack of progression in the relationship.- Most seducers will not really commit fully, in other words they will not go through traditional relationship progress of courtship, engagement, marriage. But, most seducers engage in open relationships, cheating relationships and none traditional relationships. This eventually will start affecting women social value. Picture yourself with a traditional American girl facing on holidays questions from friends and family "why you have not gotten married?" "why you do not have kids? like my ex had to face year after year for almost 10 years. This is very embarrassing, stressful and hard for women specially as they get older. I met my ex when she was 22 almost 23 as she was getting older and saw no progression she started to look for options and to auto reject.

2.- You are not attractive enough:

A.- This could be financially (lost of job, decrease in income, business failure and she is convinced that the situation has not hope in the future). Women are hard wired to search security to take care of the offspring.

B.- This could be Physical.- Your looks/style have deteriorated and she not longer see as you as a sexual guy with options as once she saw you but more like brother/roommate/friend. Disclaimer.-Even if looks don't deteriorate sometimes sell stalls and get boring for everybody.

c- This could be sexually.- You do not please her sexually or her sexual needs have change. I gave the example of how my main ex husband came to fast.

d.- Could be boredom.- She is not emotionally stimulated and bored of you and the relationship.

^ keep in mind it could be a combination of all of the above or a little bit of all of the above. Also keep in mind that women are hard wired to take you off the market indirectly with actions we call that in the community betatization and the more you comply during the relationship with the women demands/agenda the more in turn she will lose attraction.

Physically and social betatization, even players will then become normalized and betazized by women as a strategy to take you off the market which in turn kills attraction.

Now you may say to yourself I will always be a pimp player (I always have and will always be), but when she start checking out, you may as a hail marry desperation, start acting like a normal guy in order to keep her and in turn she will notice this, decreasing attraction. (This happened to me)

Keep in mind women never leave the game, no matter if is Pastor Joel Osteen wife for example, they will always have orbiters, friends, co workers etc... hitting on them subtly does not have to be direct. When they start checking out of the relationship they will take a second look at them and engage them.

Before a break up there is always someone in the background she is planning to hook up with or in case of players (players get cheated more than normal guys, cause we have fucked around a lot), she will have sexual relations, specially white western women.

Some signs she is about to check out or checking out:

- A lot more focus on her fitness and appearance

- A lot more time apart. (if you spent 7 days with her now maybe 2 days)

- A lot more acting hardened (her femininity is gone is like you are dating a dude, no homo)

- A lot of more nitpicking and drama.

- A lot of things that never bother her about you now bothers them

- Disrespect

- She will Talk shit about you and make you into an enemy, into a horrible person to friends and family behind your back. (The reason for this is that she needs social reinforcement to get rid of you specially after she has introduce you to friends, family, social media etc...

Things that you will do during the break up:

- You will in most cases act more playerish and tend to do more seduction techniques such as nexting, freeze outs and the likes. These things would usually work but at this point, they will not work and in fact backfired, because she has checked out already.

- Once you see the above that used to work: (specially the frame of "if you do not like it i am out" "if you lose me i will get other girls" is not longer working, a lot of us will revert to act like a normal guy and act like nice guys. This will in turn, turn her off even more cause she knows that is not the real you and you are doing this to salvage the already done relationship.

- You will get rid of all your women and stop being a seducer as a hail marry. Again is too late and this will only piss her off and turn her off more.

Things that will happen post break up:

- You will not think right. Your head space will not be right.

- You will cry, get very vulnerable and emotional.

- You will not feel like being with other women and your game will got to shit.

- You will want nothing to do with players and seducers instead you want to be more like a normal fag.

- You will get a bit of attraction in fairness cause your game is still there and the girls love guys coming out of relationships for some reason.(Usually they love guys 6 months out vs being used as a rebound)

- The thing is every new girl you meet, you will comparte to your old main and she will always come out on top.

- Sex in some cases will be horrible cause you are just going through the motions with the new girls and you will feel like shit and miss her more post busting a nut.

- You will check her social media every once in a while (she knows this and she will fuck with you, posting pictures of her being sexy, getting attention and likes from other guys and the likes)

- You will compare yourself to the other guy you do not know and try to compete with that other guy you do not know. (if the guy is fit, you will try to be as fit or fitter than him, if the guy has a car, you may try to get better car, if the dude has a house you will try to get a bigger house etc...)

- You will have a fantasy of her realizing her mistake, missing you and coming back.

- Everything that could go wrong in your life will go wrong all at the same time. Ex. you may lose a friend, your dog may die, your family member may die, you could lose your job, you could get sued, you car will break down. Anything and everything that could go wrong will go wrong.

- She will date a guy totally opposite to you. If you are rich she will go for a normal to poor guy. If you are poor for a well off guy. If you are player, for a nice guy. If you are nice guy for a player, If you are church guy for a sexual deviant guy and vice versa etc....

- You will tell everybody with 2 ears about your break up and keep repeating yourself

- You will become her defense attorney and every time, every one point out the flaws and what she did wrong you will defend her and backward rationalize.

- You will want to express your feelings and send her closure block of text to her and other people which she will use to tool you or use as leverage to increase her value with the new guy/orbiter etc..

-You will block her, unblock her etc...

What to do if you are seducer:

- Do not make ANY ALTERING LIFE DECISION POST BREAK UP. (Your mind is fucked up). Do not get jobs, do not move, do not sign any contracts, do not buy a house or car. Do not do any life decision at least 3 to 6 months post break up

- Do not go into a fuck rampage. I would advise to go monk mode (no sex for a month). The reason is sex will make you feel like shit, and is not fair to those new women you will dump you ex emotion on to them. Usually this girl will get sick of you talking about your ex, but will be supportive and the attraction will increase the "I wish he could give me all that love he gave to her" factor.

- When it comes to pick up, you will hate going out to clubs, bars and the likes and picking up girls, and you will nitpick on every girl since they do not live up to your ex standard.

- You may go for a girl that looked and reminded you of your ex.

- Your game will go to shit, you are vulnerable, not charismatic, not too alpha.

- Your testosterone may drop a lot and your sex drive due to this traumatic event.

- Under any circumstances do not get back with her. She is not even the same girl and it will not be the same relationship. TRUST ME, even if you get back you will end up breaking up. The only time to get back is if there is a misunderstanding on the break up (and how often this happens). DO NOT GET BACK.

- Under any circumstance talk to her or see her for at least have of the time of what the relationship lasted. So for example if you were with her 2 years, no contact for a year. Better if never.

- Do not go into mgtow, red pill and all the crap women hating/nitpicking women movements. (But if you have critical thinking and are advance a lot of the content can be helpful)

- Talk to like minded seducers that have gone or understand what you are going through, vs. Young upcoming seducers with limited relationship/life experience. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable and look afc. (We all do after a break up)

- Time to reevaluate your life, go to the gym, change your style, act like a beginner in game and get your game back. (Most of us have it, will need to take the rust off)

- Depress, negative and even suicidal thoughts happen to some people.

What if you broke up with a girl:

- They will go through extreme pain

- They will try to get prego in some cases.

- They will go psycho in some cases.

- They will seek therapy in some cases.

- They will try to cheat on the partner with you in some cases.

^ Do not ever get back with girls unless they were friends with benefits that are coming back with minimal emotional investment from their part. (If they were in love is a no no, unless they fell out of love and they do not have the capability of falling again since they know better.)

Recommended sources:





A bit blue pill in me but is ok: http://www.theskillsmethod.com/break-dynamics/




 

Chase

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
Messages
3,505
This is a great and very accurate description of this process, @Skills.

And I will say: I went through this. 85% of this was true for me when I went through a major emotional breakup with a girlfriend I had a deep connection with.

The signals are all very good.

Many of the post-breakup things sound familiar. I was already off social media when I went through that, so fortunately skipped that part.

And I went out of my way to engineer a few "make her realize her mistake and come back" scenarios (which worked... although in my case I did the actual breaking up, albeit because the relationship was not in good shape, so maybe that impacts that).

We had a get-back-together-then-break-up-then-get-back thing for about 8 months. My game went to hell for most of that stretch, I got needy, girlfriend would be talking about how she had never seen me like that and asked where "the Chase who is always in control" was, etc. However, after the final back-together session, where we mended the fences and resolved the problems between us, and made it clear to each other we'd always highly valued each other, very cathartic, I had us split things off for good. And then went out and immediately picked up a girl at a lounge, and my game was back. Still went through a period for another 6 months or so though where though I was picking up again, I was needy about finding a girlfriend.

And I have seen all these patterns with friends of mine, too -- both PUAs and naturals.

I had a very skilled natural buddy go through this with his main girl at the same time I was going through it with mine. I still thought of him as beyond all that, so it surprised me at the time... "Dude, I am surprised she's had this kind of effect on you, gotta be honest," I remember telling him. He shushed me and half in jest told me no one was supposed to know "these bitches get to me!" In his case, she'd been a girl he told me he never saw as marriage material. Ended up getting her back, knocking her up, and moving with her to a house in a more settled, less party-like part of the state.

Also had another very skilled self-taught PUA buddy go through it, also at the same time. Took him a good long while to fully recover... and he was very good with girls. Often had big stables of girls, and was one of the best PUAs I know. He had kind of a heartbreaker of a breakup though.

You're right, GFTO in these kinds of situations is not good advice. Almost insulting, really.

Excellent post.

Chase
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
588
Location
Paris
Good post - although I believe that the whole going out and try to seduce new women post-break up, although hard since your game will be shit, has helped me a lot, especially in my very traumatic break up in 2011.

So I am not sure I agree with that point - going out and GET BACK in the game.... is a winner for me.

Travelling somewhere helped me a lot. I went to Shanghai, and while in Asia, I also met up with Chase. So that was a good way to get through - seeing new world, new people new environment.

It is weird - the field is always where i have found my place of peace - when I was younh struggling in school, or when my familly was mad. The field was freedom and liberation. And so was it during both my break ups (the second one was far less traumatic for me, but more traumatic for the girl in question).

The field is always the answer when nothing else works.

But I guess this is individual.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
Good post - although I believe that the whole going out and try to seduce new women post-break up, although hard since your game will be shit, has helped me a lot, especially in my very traumatic break up in 2011.

So I am not sure I agree with that point - going out and GET BACK in the game.... is a winner for me.

Travelling somewhere helped me a lot. I went to Shanghai, and while in Asia, I also met up with Chase. So that was a good way to get through - seeing new world, new people new environment.

It is weird - the field is always where i have found my place of peace - when I was younh struggling in school, or when my familly was mad. The field was freedom and liberation. And so was it during both my break ups (the second one was far less traumatic for me, but more traumatic for the girl in question).

The field is always the answer when nothing else works.

But I guess this is individual.

so when you went out and fuck those girls, post break up, how did you feel??? Assuming is in the city, not traveling...
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
This is a great and very accurate description of this process, @Skills.

And I will say: I went through this. 85% of this was true for me when I went through a major emotional breakup with a girlfriend I had a deep connection with.

The signals are all very good.

Many of the post-breakup things sound familiar. I was already off social media when I went through that, so fortunately skipped that part.

And I went out of my way to engineer a few "make her realize her mistake and come back" scenarios (which worked... although in my case I did the actual breaking up, albeit because the relationship was not in good shape, so maybe that impacts that).

We had a get-back-together-then-break-up-then-get-back thing for about 8 months. My game went to hell for most of that stretch, I got needy, girlfriend would be talking about how she had never seen me like that and asked where "the Chase who is always in control" was, etc. However, after the final back-together session, where we mended the fences and resolved the problems between us, and made it clear to each other we'd always highly valued each other, very cathartic, I had us split things off for good. And then went out and immediately picked up a girl at a lounge, and my game was back. Still went through a period for another 6 months or so though where though I was picking up again, I was needy about finding a girlfriend.

And I have seen all these patterns with friends of mine, too -- both PUAs and naturals.

I had a very skilled natural buddy go through this with his main girl at the same time I was going through it with mine. I still thought of him as beyond all that, so it surprised me at the time... "Dude, I am surprised she's had this kind of effect on you, gotta be honest," I remember telling him. He shushed me and half in jest told me no one was supposed to know "these bitches get to me!" In his case, she'd been a girl he told me he never saw as marriage material. Ended up getting her back, knocking her up, and moving with her to a house in a more settled, less party-like part of the state.

Also had another very skilled self-taught PUA buddy go through it, also at the same time. Took him a good long while to fully recover... and he was very good with girls. Often had big stables of girls, and was one of the best PUAs I know. He had kind of a heartbreaker of a breakup though.

You're right, GFTO in these kinds of situations is not good advice. Almost insulting, really.

Excellent post.

Chase

Yeah in the video i cover the getting back, break up, getting back, break up technique to get over.... I used to do this, but at the end as you can see never works.... and also what help you is that you were the one that did the break up, and she did not leave you for another dude.... (that one is the toughest scenario for a player)
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
588
Location
Paris
so when you went out and fuck those girls, post break up, how did you feel??? Assuming is in the city, not traveling...
Forgetting the girl, remembering what this was all about, regaining esteem (not that girls gives me esteem - although in this case maybe a bit, but the mastery itself of being able to be a good seducer)
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 9, 2019
Messages
99
Thanks, I am dealing with this right now, although I did the breaking up and she really wanted to continue. It's still painful, and I also feel like sleeping around now would be inappropriate as I feel soft, vulnerable, and needy for an LTR, and then will feel like comparing every girl to the ex.

It seems best to "compartmentalize" things, where you treat the rest of your life the same, but the "woman" time you schedule to deal with the pain, reflect and reminisce, and so on, so that you are able to get through the heartache, while at the same time not let it affect you. Then once it's passed, it's passed.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
Thanks, I am dealing with this right now, although I did the breaking up and she really wanted to continue. It's still painful, and I also feel like sleeping around now would be inappropriate as I feel soft, vulnerable, and needy for an LTR, and then will feel like comparing every girl to the ex.

It seems best to "compartmentalize" things, where you treat the rest of your life the same, but the "woman" time you schedule to deal with the pain, reflect and reminisce, and so on, so that you are able to get through the heartache, while at the same time not let it affect you. Then once it's passed, it's passed.
tank if you did the break up, is not as painful and bad(it still hurts), keep in mind i am not talking about a girl setting you up for you to do the break up (in this case she still is the one doing the break up)... If a girl leaving your for another dude, you leaving her is 50 times less painful.... When she leaves you for a dude that is more financially stable or more attractive and the likes is when is way harder...
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
Forgetting the girl, remembering what this was all about, regaining esteem (not that girls gives me esteem - although in this case maybe a bit, but the mastery itself of being able to be a good seducer)

teevester, i am not talking about that, when you seduced the girl, took her home, then busted a nut, didn't you feel like shit???? (this is what happened to me and most player type post break up) and it makes you feel worst.... I am also talking about monk mode as in not sex, but still go out on the field, i should have clarify that.
 

Teevster

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Aug 23, 2013
Messages
588
Location
Paris
teevester, i am not talking about that, when you seduced the girl, took her home, then busted a nut, didn't you feel like shit???? (this is what happened to me and most player type post break up) and it makes you feel worst.... I am also talking about monk mode as in not sex, but still go out on the field, i should have clarify that.
No, why would I?
 

naturalmikey

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
815
holy fucking shit. this is exactly my situation. i’m five months out. first month was monk mode. not as a strategy because i didn’t want to have sex with other girls.

i still don’t feel like sex is as good. i actually hooked up with my ex girlfriends doppelgänger and tried to replace my ex with her. she realized i was crazy real quick. after about two months i was a wreck but was attracting some very attractive girls magnetically.

here i am now starting to emerge from it. the hardest part is objectively my ex is extremely attractive. and i just feel like it’s difficult locking down a girl like that. even though i don’t really want to. when i met her i had her and another stunner (nobody actress whose roles were things like “hot girl”.) that’s how i got her by not needing her. i don’t know i’m rambling. wish i wouldve had this post when we broke up.
 

Protean

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
77
Man this thread is a wake up call for me. It's not that I've gone through these post-breakup emotions too many times but rather that I've never been in a relationship with a woman where a breakup would do this to me. I had assumed all men practiced in seduction would never go through this but clearly that's not the case.

If I had to guess, it's because I'm not meeting the women who give me butterflies in my stomach. Who induce those "love at first sight" feelings that @Chase has written about before. Thanks for writing this up @Skills. Your post not only provided insights into what to expect during emotional breakups and how to get through them, but its also signaled to me that I need to keep my eye out for those women who invoke those butterflies and sharpen my game so I can keep them around.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
holy fucking shit. this is exactly my situation. i’m five months out. first month was monk mode. not as a strategy because i didn’t want to have sex with other girls.
yes that is what most have experienced.

i still don’t feel like sex is as good. i actually hooked up with my ex girlfriends doppelgänger and tried to replace my ex with her. she realized i was crazy real quick. after about two months i was a wreck but was attracting some very attractive girls magnetically.
yes i made that point that though your game goes to shit you can be very attractive at the same time for a lot of girls.

here i am now starting to emerge from it. the hardest part is objectively my ex is extremely attractive. and i just feel like it’s difficult locking down a girl like that. even though i don’t really want to. when i met her i had her and another stunner (nobody actress whose roles were things like “hot girl”.) that’s how i got her by not needing her. i don’t know i’m rambling. wish i wouldve had this post when we broke up.
you are not rambling it totally makes sense.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
Man this thread is a wake up call for me. It's not that I've gone through these post-breakup emotions too many times but rather that I've never been in a relationship with a woman where a breakup would do this to me. I had assumed all men practiced in seduction would never go through this but clearly that's not the case.
i personally think seducers fall harder for some of the reasons i stated.... Don't worry about you falling for a gil and pair bonding, it is an amazing experience....

If I had to guess, it's because I'm not meeting the women who give me butterflies in my stomach. Who induce those "love at first sight" feelings that @Chase has written about before. Thanks for writing this up @Skills. Your post not only provided insights into what to expect during emotional breakups and how to get through them, but its also signaled to me that I need to keep my eye out for those women who invoke those butterflies and sharpen my game so I can keep them around.
I have not read that chase article if you can link it please... Interesting yes, again meeting those girls is really cool and the sex combining physical and emotional vs going through the motions is also amazing...
 

Protean

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
77
I have not read that chase article if you can link it please
Certainly
https://www.girlschase.com/content/love-first-sight

The key quotation for me is this
The pairings seem to be incredibly well-suited to each other, and the relationships that come out of them are quite often hot, passionate, and strong.
because quite frankly I quickly grew bored with my previous girlfriends. Perhaps its only women like this who can make you long for them post-breakup.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
754
Location
South Florida
Certainly
https://www.girlschase.com/content/love-first-sight

The key quotation for me is this


because quite frankly I quickly grew bored with my previous girlfriends. Perhaps its only women like this who can make you long for them post-breakup.
so we don't get derailed i will try to stick to the topic of break up but this applies cause is your concern is "i have not experienced what chase describes in that article" so i still have not experienced such drastic break up.... I think, that chase article he is talking more about "women experience" we talk about this on women projecting that to seducers https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/should-every-date-end-in-a-lay.21913/#post-107823

To be honest i never experienced loved at first sight,, is more like you do get excitement and the i want that girl, i wish i can get a girl like that... and a strong connection during interaction and excitement.... but love at first sight a big out there, i have not experienced that. Keep in mind to get this "break up problems" that is also irrelevant,it is more with girls you have been with for a while, kind of onitis type feelings but with a girl you are sleeping with, keep in mind that this is regardless of you fucking and having other women, and keep in mind in many "player" cases are girls you took for granted and you even wanted to get rid of them at points in the relationship.
 

Protean

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
77
Keep in mind to get this "break up problems" that is also irrelevant,it is more with girls you have been with for a while, kind of onitis type feelings but with a girl you are sleeping with, keep in mind that this is regardless of you fucking and having other women, and keep in mind in many "player" cases are girls you took for granted and you even wanted to get rid of them at points in the relationship.
I see. Thanks for explaining things further.
 

metalbird

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 20, 2015
Messages
80
This is all a very interesting perspective. It makes sense. I can think of a lot of reasons why these types of individuals struggle with this. I suspect it has to do with the type of people who become "secret society members" (not sure about that label but okay).

  • We obviously care a lot about women (or whatever it is we're trying to get). We wouldn't put so much effort into all this if we didn't. Maybe it's a sport, maybe it's a hobby, maybe it's something else entirely, some childhood trauma we're trying to heal. But I know from personal experience very few guys seem to care about getting laid/having female companionship as much as as me. It's just not as big a deal to them. They'd just as soon sit in their rooms and play Xbox, or go out and drink with their guy friends. So many times "normal" guys ask me, "Wow, how are you so good with women, you're a god, OMG, I wish I could talk to women like you..." What they don't see is the struggle that goes on out of sight. In my mind, I think, "I wish I could sit in my room and do nothing every night and be content like you". Which brings me to the next point:
  • We often love challenges. This stuff is not trivial or easy. It takes effort. It takes courage. We tend to be the type of people who are goal-oriented and sometimes obsessed with pushing boundaries. This is probably helpful in many aspects of life, but when it comes to relationships, most people would say seeking out a "challenge" is not a good recipe. However, we are not most people. How many times have I looked at a really attractive woman, one who many guys have sought after, and thought, "Eh. She looks too vanilla/boring/normal". I even joked about such a woman on a date once, "She seems like the girlfriend I need, not the girlfriend I'd ever go after," to which my bisexual date replied, "MOOD". Which brings me my next point:
  • We often wind up with partners with similar personality traits, or "complementary" ones that nevertheless make long term satisfaction in relationships difficult.

I could go on, but I want to talk about another thing I've put some time into thinking about. What do most "normal" relationships look like, and what do most "successful" relationships -- those that continue to provide both partners with net satisfaction over an indefinite period of time -- look like?

Normal Relationships:

  • Often look like "Seducer" or "Secret Society" relationships, but in slow motion. We tend to move through relationships very quickly, however most people will drag things out, whether that means hanging around in the friend zone for a long time, dating or staying in a certain relationship mindset for years, or breaking up very slowly... these make up many of the LTRs you see that have clearly gone stale but neither party seems bothered enough to just end it. They just kinda deal with it and continue on. As a good friend of mine once joked:
    "You know it's bad when an old couple goes deep sea fishing. That's how you know they're both thinking, "One of us has to die today"
  • Are often "stasis chambers". By this I mean both people tend to stop developing as individuals -- they get fat and lazy, or just focus all their energy on work or the kids. The individuals, and often the relationship, sorta slows down until it gets "frozen in time" -- however, while that may sound disastrous to some of us more "player"/"growth" oriented folks, there's another way of looking at that. It's called stability, and a lot of people really like it. It doesn't feel claustrophobic to them, it actually feels comfortable.
  • Are usually arrangements entered into out of emotion and stuck in out of apathy. In other words, the emotion fades, but the couple keeps going through the motions. Again, this is not necessarily bad, in fact it's exactly what many people want out of an LTR; they're not looking for an emotional experience, they see the emotional part as a necessary evil almost to get to the functional part.

Unusually Successful/Happy Relationships

  • The first thing to realize here is that it's very hard to judge the quality of a relationship from the outside. However, I've long been fascinated by why, if so many people wind up regretting their relationships in the long run, why other people don't. Here's my best observations:
  • They are often both individuals who are just the type of person who is abundantly happy and content no matter what. They often go through very few relationships in their entire life, "settling down" early in life and staying loyal for many years. If most people approach dating rather lackadaisically compared to "seducers", these individuals don't care about relationships at all. They really are the "take it or leave it types". They have almost zero desire to get into a relationship, as they're fine on their own, but once they do, they don't create much drama and tend to appreciate it for what it is, without feeling a need to pressure it in any direction. Thus, it just floats on for many years.
  • They tend to have very realistic impressions of each other, even from early on in the relationship. They may love each other but if you ask them about each other, they'll tell you, "He/She is alright." They don't have great lofty visions of grandeur nor feelings of condescension or resentment towards each other.
  • They are often weird, quirky individuals who for whatever reasons, seem to complement each other's quirkiness. However, there are plenty of examples of seemingly "average" people who still manage to form happy LTRs
  • They have "low standards" for their relationships. Since they're not looking for a relationship to make them happy, they don't expect a whole out of the relationship. They might love and respect their partner, but it the relationship doesn't take up an undue portion of their life. They keep things in balance.

So, with all that in mind, I can look at all of these categories and say, "Yep, I'm definitely in the first camp." How to get to the third camp? I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. Chase's article on Purpose/Purposelessness gets towards a lot of it, however like much of this site, it's a lot of information that's very accurate, insightful, correct, and entirely unhelpful (only a little joking). Maybe at the end of the day some things aren't meant to be deciphered.
 
Top