FR 2nd date, girl starts CRYING

[PinotNoir]

Guys, this is the first time this has ever happened to me. I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened to me. It seems like something out of a movie or a TV show.

Anyway, this is the same girl from the Wed 1st date in this post.

To be honest, I thought I'd never see this girl again. I pinged her 2-3 times between our last date and now, and she kept saying very busy. I was being very persistent and thought about ditching it because it was taking way too much effort. Finally, at the clutch, she said that she'd like to meet up tonight.

We initially agree 9 at a this local bar. But, I had some things come up, so I texted her at 8:30 to move it back to 9:30. She went ahead and arrived at 9 and said that she would eat while waiting for me. I still wasn't done, so I texted her again at 9:20 to say that I wouldn't be there until 9:50.

The 1st 30-45 min go well. I run the typical deep-dive/banter. I do a lot more banter this time because already deep-dived a lot on our first date. I also practice touch.... I touched her wrist to examine her bracelet and touched her shoulder/arm and face (came up in conversation). I also have a Tarot app on my phone, and we played on that for a bit. I really liked this.... it took the date from "information" to us doing an "activity" together, and we were both looking at my phone so had to get close.

Anyway, end of the night, I start deep-diving a lot. First, I asked about the most adventurous thing that she has ever done and scariest. She didn't have an answer for these, but after I shared a story and kept probing her, she finally thought of one. Then, I kept diving into her life, and we eventually got onto "the" subject....

She's from China and moved here, and I start asking her about what she misses back home, her family, etc. We've both had a beer. She starts to tell me about how she feels so alone and away from family.... she starts to get very emotional and cry. Of course, I feel awful. I hand her a napkin. I rubbed her arm/shoulder and put my arm around her every now and then to comfort her. She's trying to hold back her tears, but they keep flowing and flowing....

When I glance around the bar, everyone is giving me bad looks. The guys especially are giving me death looks haha. I think everyone thought I was breaking up with her or something.

Of course, I hate to see a beautiful woman cry. This is not good. I try to talk about it, but it makes her sadder, so then I try to change the subject and go to something lighter. I show her some funny pics on my camera. She's still an emotional wreck.

So, finally, I go super friend with her. I tell her that we can go back to my car or her place and just sit and talk about it or just watch a movie. She says no and that her place is super dirty. I tell her that I'm a guy and that doesn't matter to me. She keeps saying that's it too dirty when I keep persisting. At this point, I decide to say that nothing sexual will happen. I will just be her best friend. I tell her that I won't try anything, and we can just sit together and talk. She says that her place is still too dirty. So, then I suggest we just go for a walk or sit in the car together, and she says it's just best for her to go home.

I get up and walk her to her car. I put my arm around her, and I tell her, "You're a beautiful woman with an amazing job living in a great country.... well, talking with an ugly guy.... but still great life." She smiles and laughs but still crying. We get to the car, and I give her a long hug and tell her that it'll be okay and that she'll feel a lot better in the morning. I kiss her on the cheek and give her another hug and wish her goodnight.

While I'm driving home after about 10 min, I text her to see if she got home safely. She says yes and thanks me for the hug. We text back and forth a bit more, and finally we wish each other goodnight.

Anyway, wow....

Any suggestions?

I already texted her about meeting again to let her know that it didn't bother me, but she said that she probably won't be free until next weekend (again).

I'm fine with being her good friend. I think I'm her only friend in this city currently haha, besides her coworkers. Just never been in this situation before. I'd still like to date her, but I got 2 other girls that I'm dating so not worried about if we just become good friends. Hopefully she's okay tomorrow.....

 

[trashKENNUT]

PN,

I think this stays better as friends, unless you selfish, and we all are. HAHA!!! But i can feel foreigners and their sadness. I seen it a lot.

Zac

 

[moolar]

Well,if I had access to every word you guys uttered during the date,I would be able to point out more where you went OTT. Be that as it may,I would say,from the tone of your story,that you were unable to accurately guage her emotional threshold,and eventually tipped her over,tumbling headlong into that place where al the tears are let loose.
Also,I suspect that you didn't explicitly communicate your sexual interests to her. If it is as I suspect,you should work more on communicating to girls whatever it is you want with them from the onset. Saves you loads of time and stress.
Finally,when she started shedding,you melted and gave her the comforting response reminiscent of friends and family members. Well,that could have been a nice response if you wanted her strictly as a friend...otherwise,towing that path was eternally suicidal.
All in all,your deep-dive was pure gold! For you to have reduced her to a simpering emotional wreck speaks volumes of your strength in that aspect. However,you should know when to step back and not completely overwhelm the subject.
Nice one.

 

[lao che]

good comment by moolar, i'd say. pretty sure chase wrote an article about what to do in these situations, can't find it right now but from memory you should avoid eye contact, give more negative body language and be considerate with language without encouraging the crying/upset behaviour. this way you let her get it out without her associating the negative feelings.

as to now, if you're cool being friends, fine. make sure it's you friending her though, that way you stay in control and the door can still be open at a later date.

 

[Chase]

pretty sure chase wrote an article about what to do in these situations, can't find it right now but from memory you should avoid eye contact, give more negative body language and be considerate with language without encouraging the crying/upset behaviour. this way you let her get it out without her associating the negative feelings.

Here's the article, Lao Che:

Past Relationships: Where to Go (and Where Not to) on a Date

Pinot, incidentally, I had a similar incident a while back when I had a small dinner with my folks plus a foreign girlfriend of mine, only for my old man to start asking her about a bunch of questions about her family, and didn't she miss them, and so on and so forth. I could tell she was getting closer to tears, and tried to steer the conversation away from this but to no avail; he kept going, and a few questions into this line of discussion the waterworks started.

It doesn't mean the girl is an emotional mess. The girlfriend of mine this happened with is a pretty tough gal and extremely independent. It's just one of those things where if the girl feels like it's been too long since she's seen her family, and if someone keeps driving on the point too long, it's like taking a battering ram to the emotional dam she'd been using to keep all those feelings inside, and they just come flooding out.

Like moolar noted, it sounds like you just missed the signals that this was a sensitive topic and pushed a little too far, and the floodgates opened. Doesn't mean she's a head case though - it might just have been a while since she's seen her family. If anything, this probably tells you is that she comes from a close-enough family that she really misses them after not seeing them for a while. Close families are nearly always sources of mental and emotional stability, rather than instability.

She sounds like a solid girl. You should follow up with her.

Chase

 

[trashKENNUT]

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