Long-Term 3yr LTR - Lost Frame

[Tgap]

Hello All,

I'm in a relationship of 3 years, we're planning on moving in together. I've lost frame on multiple occasions. Since I have decided to "commit" to her, it has been extra hard to maintain frame. Before that I spun plates a bit with online dating. I decided to stop that as I want us both to be monogamous. She wants monogamy as well.

She has always wanted me to call everyday. I have always called her daily as a gift. I have never adhered to the 1:3 ratio that TRP advocates. I stopped for a while and she went cold, won't return calls promptly (8-12 hours, sometimes the next day and always has an excuse), gets pissed and jealous. Interrogated me the other day after I went to gym (my ex is a member, but I never see her there), asking me where I was. I blew her off that night for it. She seems extremely jealous and suspicious when I do not call. So the other night I asked her why? I asked her what she wants. She wants me to call her every day. I don't mind that. I agreed that It would be my gift and made it clear that I don't need to talk everyday, but because I want her to feel loved I would.

I understand a asking a girl what she wants is not the best strategy and that they give the worst advise. I'm trying to balance beta and alpha characteristics as advocated in MMSL as I may eventually want to marry.

My question is how can I maintain frame and still gift that to her? Is that possible? What other tactics, strategies would you suggest where she will need to up her investment? I truly believe she need to chase me, work for me, but my strategies have not given me that comfy feeling I desire.

I do know that she has chased before and I suspect a certain degree of alpha widowhood, which I have been trying to out-alpha.

Thank you in advance your your thoughts and suggestions!
T

 

[Dude909]

To me it sourds like you know exactly what to do, but are not brave enough to do it.

 

[Tgap]

Not sure if I do. When we are together, I defiantly maintain frame on most shit tests and she does them alot. "get me that", "do this", I just tell her to do it herself and then ask her to get me a beer. Please let me know what you mean.

 

[Franco]

Tgap,

You made a common mistake that many, many men make. You set bad precedent.

And when you set bad precedent with women, you're going to have a hell of a time trying to change that precedent because there's only one way that women view you trying to fall back on precedent: that you don't care about them as much anymore.

In this case, the bad precedent you set with her is that you were willing to talk to her on the phone every single day. If this is something you can see yourself doing for years and years to come, then that's completely fine. Personally, I would probably never be able to keep that up for any extended period of time, and I would never want to set that precedent. However, you are now dealing with a situation where she's noticing that you're falling back on that precedent, and it's making her feel like you're not the man who you presented yourself to be at the start of the relationship. In her mind, she has every right to be suspicious of your actions -- after all, you used to call her every day! What is making you do that less?

There's really not a lot you can do to reverse precedent. If you're doing a lot of other things right, it won't spell death to your relationship, but it also now means you'll constantly need to either (A) capitulate and continue to keep that precedent by talking to her every day on the phone or (B) pull back and deal with loads of drama all of the time when she starts complaining about "how you never talk to her on the phone anymore."

The best thing to do here is to learn from the mistake so that you don't make it again with future women you date. Set low expectations and good precedent, and you won't have to worry about falling back on it.

I would recommend reading this article as well:

• Dating and Relationship Precedent: Why It's So Very Important

- Franco