A Pattern of Oneitis

[Bboy100]

Ok, so I've touched on this topic in past posts, but I feel like I've found a more distinct pattern now, so i'd like to write another one.

Basically my problem is thus: Every once in a while, I'll meet a girl who I really really like. Usually, she doesn't meet my logical criteria for what I'd like out of a GF at all. Despite this, I get attatched to her very very quickly. The good news is, this seems to be getting less severe as I've grown older. The bad news is, it's still waay out of control.

In High School...I met this girl who I literally believed was my "soulmate" and "I was going to marry her" etc. I couldn't stop thinking about her EVER. Like, my entire day was comprise of 1. Sports practice 2. Thinking about this girl and how I'm going to eventually get her "even if it's the last thing I do". This was a very significant factor in a 4-year episode of clinical depression.

Fast forward to the beginning of last Fall...I met another girl off Tinder. Blew it with her cause she was my second date ever. Got depressed for like, a full week. And even after that, I still didn't get her out of my head until I ran into her at a party one time (this happened literally this last October...a full year after I met her). Had I not ran into her, gotten a chance to "reevaluate" her, and realized that she isn't god's gift to men, i'd probably still be tormenting myself over her now.

About 3 months ago, I met another girl off Tinder. Botched up the escalation (bad logistics+not dealing with LMR correctly), lost her forever. Got depressed for a few weeks, started Chasing her way harder over text than I care to admit...she still pops up in my head from time to time.

And now, I met another girl. This time it was a little different...there was no actual date, but I still hung out with her as friends (although its abundantly clear that she's super into me). Turns out she has a BF. There's no conclusion to this story yet (i.e. I feel like I'm going to see her again and I still have a shot with her). Despite this, I'm still going into this mode of obsessing over her for hours, and just being unable to stop thinking about her.

I see a definite pattern in all these girls. Here are the main characteristics they all seem to share:
- Very bubbly/outgoing/playful personalities.
- They're very physically attractive.
- They have submissive personality types (i.e. I would describe them as "cute" or "adorable").
- They seem socially confident/adept (i.e. they're not "awkward")
- They have a good sense of humor...or at the very least, they find my jokes funny. haha
- They've all shown interest in me at one point or another.
- All except the one from HS are very short.

Any ideas on why I get so obsessive over this specific type of girl? Thoughts on this whole situation in general?

 

[Zoro]

The panacea for woman troubles, especially the nasty and offensive one-itis seems to be a consistent dose of meet-more-women. You should also be getting adequate amounts of personal-mission in your diet.

If I look back on my own bouts of one-itis, it was always accompanied with a definite lack of meet-more-women. In fact, there cannot be oneitis and meet-more-women at the same time. It is simply not possible! Perhaps the cause of the nasty bug is a lack of women... Hmm, yes.

Now of course, there must be a consistent meeting-of-more-women to meet the functional dosage. A pinch of pussy is squeezed from many approaches. Of course there are exceptions and lucky days, but if you stop at that, then the one-itis will set again in the form of this new girl!

Personal-mission is cooperative in dealing with one-itis, as you find your preoccupations with women a hinderance and have little time to devote to "winning" a girl you've lost, which of course is a fool's game. Instead you move onto your projects and the cutesexy women who pass by you on the streets of the world.

Good day.
-JW

 

[JimmyB]

^Preach!
If you're meeting multiple girls often and having "oneitis" with each of them, do you really have oneitis anymore? You quickly solve your problem.

 

[Bboy100]

I feel like this strategy is wrong. Drexel wrote a post on this same topic a few days ago. See: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=12730

He wrote:

Oneitis is what happens before you realize that you are already complete, you are already whole, on your own, without women or anyone / anything else. It's a feeling we get when we meet someone whose particular qualities fill that "hole" within us, like a puzzle piece being laid into its proper place. The problem arises when we don't realize that we are ALREADY the entire puzzle, because until we do, we will always seek outside of ourselves in order to feel fulfilled and abundant and happy. So the real cure for Oneitis is to strip away your layers of social conditioning, ego, messy thought processes and automatic habits that have stopped you from realizing that you are already a complete human being. Once you realize this, you will be in a permanent state of abundance and will still be able to feel things like attraction and lust and love, but without the "attaching" energy that inevitably both drains you of power and pushes the other person away.

The common PUA advice is "Go Fuck Ten Other Women." While this can and often does cure "Oneitis" towards any one particular girl, it only addresses the symptom of the problem---not its root cause. Therefore, a person who uses the GFTOW tactic will still find himself feeling Oneitis, over and over again with different women, until he develops the emotional courage to look deep within himself, take honest account of what he finds, and bandage up the wounds that need healing so that he may remember who he TRULY is...

This seems to hit close to home with me. And it seems to line up pretty well with (some) Psychology. I always manage to cure the problem EVENTUALLY. But then it comes up again. Not because I'm not meeting women (because I am). No...there's something about women with the particular qualities I outlined in my OP which spark oneitis. In other words, I feel like they're somehow related to this "missing puzzle piece". I just don't know how and why.

Additionally, I often meet other women who I find attractive. But I DON'T feel oneitis for them. It's only the women with those particular qualities which seem to get me.

 

[Lotus]

Bboy,

I agree with Drexel's assessment and this is the key aspect for me:

until he develops the emotional courage to look deep within himself, take honest account of what he finds, and bandage up the wounds that need healing so that he may remember who he TRULY is...

Try to break down the emotions and thoughts that occur when you get these feelings of "oneitis". Somewhere there is a fear or insecurity that hasn't been addressed, so when higher quality girls that have the attributes you desire in a relationship come around, your ego gets roaring and blows up your mental state with all these doubts.

It could be a fear of not being good looking enough, not being tall enough, not being good enough at sex etc... once you can identify your self-perceived weaknesses and plan to address them or just plain accept, then you can begin to feel "complete" as Drexel would say.

Hope that helps

-Lotus

 

[JimmyB]

Ok, another aspect of this involves doing something fulfilling. Bboy, do you have a job you really love? If you have a bunch of time on your hands, it is easy to fill that time thinking and obsessing over a girl. Once you have more to do than you have time in the day (and you enjoy what you are doing) then it becomes an even tradeoff. You like this girl and would gladly meet up with her, but you aren't going to go far out of your way because you have other, equally enjoyable options. Find a mission or a purpose and set yourself to it. Girls then fall by the wayside and your priorities straighten themselves out.

 

[Bboy100]

Somewhere there is a fear or insecurity that hasn't been addressed, so when higher quality girls that have the attributes you desire in a relationship come around, your ego gets roaring and blows up your mental state with all these doubts.

It could be a fear of not being good looking enough, not being tall enough, not being good enough at sex etc... once you can identify your self-perceived weaknesses and plan to address them or just plain accept, then you can begin to feel "complete" as Drexel would say.

This is actually very helpful. This definitely seems to be true for me. Thanks Lotus!
Having said that, I do have a few additional thoughts:
1. These girls are not the kind I desire for relationships (usually). Most of them seem to be free-spirited and/or party girls who get me emotionally addicted to them (addicted might be a strong word...but you get the point). We also usually seem to have a lot of "chemistry" (i.e. I feel a strong, natural connection with her...no "deep diving" or other GC techniques required). Admittedly, this might be just because they're all usually pretty socially adept themselves. So I don't need to put in as much effort to drive the conversation forward because they naturally do part of the work on their own. But I digress...on a logical level, I actually understand that in almost every one of these cases, the girl had a flaw(s) which is a deal-breaker for me. But it seems that my emotions just bypass my logical reasoning entirely.

2. I don't like the idea of trying to fix them. Mainly because anything that requires an external result is something I don't I have 100% control over.
Ex. One of the worries I often have is: "My group of friends are not cool enough for a girl like her".
Yes...I could fix this by finding new friends. But at the same time...it feels like relying on always having cool friends at all times is a recipe for inconsistency.

So I think the second option is a much better one. I'd much rather just accept/make peace with my insecurities as they come up. But this begs the question...how do I do that?

Ok, another aspect of this involves doing something fulfilling.

This is true, and it's something I lack. I'm very well aware of this. At the moment, I'm still searching for a passion which fulfills me in life. I'm hoping that the job I aim to acquire once I graduate college will be it. The problem is that it requires a Phd. So I have quite a few years till I start it. In the meantime...I feel pretty lost as to where and what to look for as a substitute. :/

I enjoy doing a lot of things in life and have quite a few hobbies, but it doesn't seem like I'm passionate enough for any of them to make them my "mission".

 

[Lotus]

This is actually very helpful. This definitely seems to be true for me. Thanks Lotus!
Having said that, I do have a few additional thoughts:
1. These girls are not the kind I desire for relationships (usually). Most of them seem to be free-spirited and/or party girls who get me emotionally addicted to them (addicted might be a strong word...but you get the point). We also usually seem to have a lot of "chemistry" (i.e. I feel a strong, natural connection with her...no "deep diving" or other GC techniques required). Admittedly, this might be just because they're all usually pretty socially adept themselves. So I don't need to put in as much effort to drive the conversation forward because they naturally do part of the work on their own. But I digress...on a logical level, I actually understand that in almost every one of these cases, the girl had a flaw(s) which is a deal-breaker for me. But it seems that my emotions just bypass my logical reasoning entirely.

2. I don't like the idea of trying to fix them. Mainly because anything that requires an external result is something I don't I have 100% control over.
Ex. One of the worries I often have is: "My group of friends are not cool enough for a girl like her".
Yes...I could fix this by finding new friends. But at the same time...it feels like relying on always having cool friends at all times is a recipe for inconsistency.

So I think the second option is a much better one. I'd much rather just accept/make peace with my insecurities as they come up. But this begs the question...how do I do that?

Glad I could help

Exactly! They give you emotional high's that you just haven't been used to girls giving you so when it's gone you feel like you are missing something. As you grow you will find more and more of these people. The withdrawl won't affect you as much because you will find more and more of these people. Emphasis on people because you will find guys that you can click with just the same.

In your instance you, logically, know that they are not relationship material girls, so I wouldn't even call it "Oneitis". I think it is just social high's that you aren't used to. You just associate them with such because you haven't fully identified what the feeling is and why... at least that's my estimation.

In number 2 you are right, don't focus on the characteristics of the girls(external) as much as the emotions these instances cause(internal) and why. If you can't fully understand the why you just have to look deeper into yourself and be completely honest.

There are a couple ways to looks at the friends insecurity, which stems from a fear of rejection. So you can A) do something to change it and increase the quality of friends/people in your life or B) accept they are your friends because they inject important value in YOUR life so if she rejects them then she just is not cut out for YOU, as the things that are important to her do not match up with what is important to you.... the values that your chosen group of friends bring to your life.

That all being said should you decide to upgrade your social circle/friends, it takes some time and you will have to be patient. Just like with girls high value guys will screen and be generally busy.

I sort of answered addressing your insecurities, but to add more, the massive emotional upheaval comes from conflict within yourself. The way it made most sense to me was... the ego likes to control you, with fear, in form of these insecurities. Even though I would call it this, for sake of clarity, in this situation we will call it "Oneitis". As long the ego controls you with "Oneitis" you won't be able to make rational decisions to the same extent, which will manifest in the form of you chasing these girls. Once you can identify the ego is trying to control you with these things and say, "Ha, ego I know what you are doing and why. I have no fear of rejection because I have complete confidence in my friends", the ego will lose it's power. The power of the ego lies in you not understanding what it's trying to accomplish

I know it sounds completely ridiculous to look at it this way, but it something to mentally grasp on to put form to the problem.

Edit: I was in the shower think about this and I just wanted to add most of our insecurities boil down to a fear or something or other. Drexel has a video on his youtube channel about smashing fear by visualize a giant hammer and actually smashing the fear inside your head until the fear is gone and the only thing left is you saying...."fuck that shit. i'm not scared"

-Lotus

 

[JimmyB]

I have a theory about the Oneitis state of mind and college. This site preaches being "the man" in complete charge of your life, working your dream job and pursuing passions. This certainly is the ideal. But in college you're usually not there yet. I just graduated college and am doing my dream job. Not related to my college degree at all. I haven't gone out for weeks to meet girls frankly because I'm too busy and don't care. I feel amazing because I'm free and pursuing my passion.
College can make you feel in limbo.
You know you're going to go on to do great things, but you're not quite there yet. If you need to stick around to get your PhD, that's a few more years before you're really "your own man". Girls seem like a more satisfying prospect than class and grades, so you eventually get bored and go chasing after these girls. It's hard to feel more badass than everyone around you when you don't actually think that about yourself. You know you have more work to do.

I'd much rather just accept/make peace with my insecurities as they come up. But this begs the question...how do I do that?

Simply by doing it. Go live your life. I assure you, women will come along. Do your thing and a girl that's just your type will come along and all you'll have to do is close it out (which you should be good at by now if you're reading this site). You don't find yourself caught up in a girl's emotions. She'll either come back to you or you move on and continue with life - either way you're happy because you're living the life you want.

 

[Big Daddy]

I feel like this strategy is wrong. Drexel wrote a post on this same topic a few days ago. See: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=12730

The thing is dude, I think most of what he said in that post can only or in majority happen by GFOTW. It's like saying to the NFL rookie he has to remain calm to play the game properly. This is good advice, though there is no other way he will remain calm unless he has 4 seasons under his belt and saw over and over that he is, indeed, capable of playing well.

I have similar problems, but I think I can force logical thoughts a little better than you can because I always am able to ignore them from 0 to 60 if I focus really hard. There is one specific girl that was with last year that would be the closest to oneitis I got in recent times. I still talked to other girls when I was with her, but she still popped in my mind more frequently and I had some (internal) jealousy bursts from time to time. The thought of other guys seeing her naked and shoving in her pussy while she moans still creeps the shit of my mind, but I just think that I will become way better than any man she'll ever meet thus this is irrelevant.

The thing is that when I compared her to the oneitis-girl before her... man, that was a severe case of oneitis. That was back in 2010-2011, before I ingrained the concepts from GC and was a complete loser. I actually believed that I'd never find a better girl, then I found the girl from last year, which was better in every aspect imaginable. And what's funny is that even with the second girl being better in EVERY aspect, the severity of the oneitis syndrome with her was around 1/20 when compared to the first girl.

I had more confidence that I could be in control of the relationship, I had access to GC, I wasn't a complete loser anymore, I met and fucked other girls and as I result I was more at ease around her. I'm now sure that I'd never feel jealous with a girl of her caliber anymore (just like you mentioned with the girl you met at the party), but I might feel for a while if I land a higher-caliber girl until it becomes the norm for me. And I think you will always feel like this when there's room for improvement -- eventually you will reach a roof where oneitis will probably not exist.

Whether the girls you like are GF candidates or not is irrelevant, I think -- I always had this burning desire to fuck girls that were completely unattainable to me during high school and they tend to be girls like you described, so I think would be fair to imagine that I'd develop some sort of oneitis if I had a shot with them.

 

[Big Daddy]

While I believe you are correct, I'm not very good at grasping and applying "internal" game. The severity of oneitis syndrome is getting weaker as time passes and I get better.

You still had oneitis issues even past your 100th lay?

P.S. I'm still waiting that video of yours from the other thread

 

[Big Daddy]

Haha, okay, I'd be thrilled to learn about it!

 

[Bboy100]

Thanks for all the replies guys! I wish I could reply to each of you individually, but I'd have to write a manifesto to do that haha. And i'll definitely check out the Serdona Method too.

 

[SSantorini]

There are 2 recipes to avoid or minimizes oneites:

1- Meet many more girls. Have more girls available.

2- Avoid like a plague spend so much time with a girl without sexual/physical relation involved.


These are the roots of all oneites. You spend so much time (or other resources, like spittle (talking), money, attention or thought) on a specific girl and it creates a (false) illusion that she is "yours" (that is, you feel invested in her). Combining it with having little women available, comes a (false) sensation that she is "unique", "special", that you will very hardly find (or have a shot with) another girl like her.

 

[Eternity]

I have similar problems, but I think I can force logical thoughts a little better than you can because I always am able to ignore them from 0 to 60 if I focus really hard. There is one specific girl that was with last year that would be the closest to oneitis I got in recent times. I still talked to other girls when I was with her, but she still popped in my mind more frequently and I had some (internal) jealousy bursts from time to time. The thought of other guys seeing her naked and shoving in her pussy while she moans still creeps the shit of my mind, but I just think that I will become way better than any man she'll ever meet thus this is irrelevant.

That last part of your post is something that happens to me with specific girls who have cracked my armor per say. When this happens, I like to remember a line from the book "Pimp" by Robert Beck.Something like keeping himself Icy with his emotions, never letting them overtake his thinking and keeping himself in check by knowing these women can do the same to other dudes. Giving them those same highs and lows they give you, while getting plowed by her asshole boyfriend who ironically truly doesn't give a shit about her. As I encounter this dilemma, I tell myself I have to keep the ice in my veins if I'm going to game her properly and efficiently. Emotions and passion are good, but it's better to leave them for the bang... Not for everyone though.

 

[Ree]

Hey...it's so peculiar,out of all the posters here..ur posts seem to resonate with me the most....I have this exact same problem...usually I just wanna fuck ( hedonistic)...but every now and then il stumble into a girl with The characteristics that u just defined and I will start tripping,( romantic)...

With me
this is a problem for two reasons

1.EMOTIONAL hurts my game,I move slow,I over think.
2.HURT FEELINGS,when the seduction ultimately fails..it is harder to brush off the rejection

I wanted to actually make a post like this,so il just hijack this thread,my question goes thus

What's your standard operating procedure for these women?

 

[Ree]

There are 2 recipes to avoid or minimizes oneites:

1- Meet many more girls. Have more girls available.

2- Avoid like a plague spend so much time with a girl without sexual/physical relation involved.


These are the roots of all oneites. You spend so much time (or other resources, like spittle (talking), money, attention or thought) on a specific girl and it creates a (false) illusion that she is "yours" (that is, you feel invested in her). Combining it with having little women available, comes a (false) sensation that she is "unique", "special", that you will very hardly find (or have a shot with) another girl like her.

Hey..I can't speak for bboy..but

1.the problem is thes girls aint just any fly girl... ...these girls are rare....I could approach fifty girls before I meet this type of girl...ive had scenarios where I have oneties ,I go approach and fuck some new girls,but still have oneitis over that particular one

2.i fall not because of over investing....the minute I even meet one of these girls,the rapport,the instant connection...makes me fall instantly

 

[normajean106]

Quick question, bboy, did you ever reflect on some of the core decisions you made to be a seducer? And did you ever reflect on why?

When I would get heavily invented in a girl, I would never stop thinking about her. Like ever.

One of the reasons I decided to become a seducer was to combat this very issue. The first "PUA" article I ever read was the "Can't stop thinking about her?" article from Chase, and I only accidentally came across it when I was looking up how to get the girl of your dreams (and boy was I in for one Hell of a rude awakening).

Not that these guys aren't right in the thread, but I would focus more on views like "What is the man I want to become and how do I get there?" rather than "What in my past is causing me to be the man I am today?". It seems to me that if you get so fixated on your past and what already has irreversibly happened, you lose sight of what's ahead of you in your future.

I could be misreading the other posts (as I did skim through the thread), but it sounds like this is a core issue in your mentality and something you need to figure out inside yourself, rather than anything that has actually happened in the past to you.

Well, if I'm wrong feel free to correct me (thats what the boards are for after all). So good luck , and keep it rocking with your game.

 

[Eternity]

Hey...it's so peculiar,out of all the posters here..ur posts seem to resonate with me the most....I have this exact same problem...usually I just wanna fuck ( hedonistic)...but every now and then il stumble into a girl with The characteristics that u just defined and I will start tripping,( romantic)...

With me
this is a problem for two reasons

1.EMOTIONAL hurts my game,I move slow,I over think.
2.HURT FEELINGS,when the seduction ultimately fails..it is harder to brush off the rejection

I wanted to actually make a post like this,so il just hijack this thread,my question goes thus

What's your standard operating procedure for these women?

Are you asking me or the OP? Can't tell.

 

[Bboy100]

.i fall not because of over investing....the minute I even meet one of these girls,the rapport,the instant connection...makes me fall instantly

What's your standard operating procedure for these women?

Unfortunately, I don't think I can help you too much cause it sounds like you're a little different than me. When I'm actually talking to the girl, I don't have "oneitis" for her. This is because I'll usually be so "in the moment" that I'm not even worried about what she thinks of me and about what will happen. I just enjoy her company to the fullest. Around girls for whom I develop oneitis, I don't worry about what I'm going to say, do or anything like that. It's all completely natural. It's only after I've already lost them (typically due to a failed escalation) that I realize how great they were and how it's going to be a while before I find another girl like her.

It sounds like for you, this is not the case. Sounds like for some reason, the moment you meet them, you realize they're great and you start to get stuck in your own head, causing you to blow the interaction. So I guess the only advice I can give you is to figure out how to not be "stuck in your head". Unfortunately, I don't really know any actionable steps for how to do that haha. I guess the other thing I have to say is...why do you think she's so great before you even know her? How is she different from every other girl you approach?

Not that these guys aren't right in the thread, but I would focus more on views like "What is the man I want to become and how do I get there?" rather than "What in my past is causing me to be the man I am today?".

Who I am in the future is directly dependant on how I address undesirable pattern in my life. If this was in the past, I would obviously forget about it cause its irrelevant. But the thing is, it's something which continues to plague me even today. I know that its only a matter of time before I meet another girl with whom I will become unreasonably infatuated. This is because its happened enough times now that I know its a part of my character. And its only by figuring out why this stuff has happened in the past that I can prevent it from happening again in the future.

As for getting into PUA just to address this issue...see Drexel's posts on this thread. He explained pretty thoroughly why that won't necessarily work.