- Joined
- Feb 12, 2015
- Messages
- 106
Bboy100 said:
Hmm... that's a really good point.
Bboy100 said:
Yeah, I see now. I wonder how I overcame oneitis then. I could have sworn Chase talked about meeting other women and that it would help.
Hmm... that's a really good point.
Yeah, I see now. I wonder how I overcame oneitis then. I could have sworn Chase talked about meeting other women and that it would help.
I went through almost the exact same thing for most of life, it was always this one girl I blew out of proportion, filled my head with "shes the one, dont quit" and tormented myself for weeks/months after I screwed things up with her.
Worst case scenarios she would get back together with an ex boyfriend but still keep me in the loop, and not only did it destroy my self worth, but my confidence and constant questions of "I am not good enough"
What I did to fix this vicious relentless cycle I set myself in, was drop pursuing a relationship all together for a large amount of time, and set myself to something completely else. Mine was furthering my career, making money and hitting the gym because those were the things I wanted. Obviously to each their own, but I wanted to be self made and be proud and secure of myself when I woke up each morning.
I set small goals, first it was just go to the gym each day, which the hardest part for me was just getting into the car and going there, then I set my standards higher and now on a full workout regiment. This took me a lot of time, as I researched articles, getting the right foods, sleeping 8 hours a day, and overall just living a better lifestyle. During this period especially when I just did not have a single thought about pursuing a relationship, women starting looking at me differently.
I usually got a smile here or there, but now its more intriguing and you could tell just by my mindset women were starting to act differently around me. It wasn't the fact my muscles were getting bigger, but I had other priorities then chasing a woman around, I had my goals and wanting to achieve what I put my mind to.
The honest truth is you are exhibiting very bad habits, and its killing you. You aren't happy, you are depressed, probably anxious, not in control, and chasing something that you think will make you happy but it won't. What I read from this post is "I desire to be happy, I'm relentlessly chasing it around and being disappointed" and women will not make you happy, only you can.
Whatever that is, you already know it inside of you, maybe you are scared to go for it because you are scared or don't think you can do it. Start small and start fresh, delete tinder and dating apps (there will be there when the time is right) and do some self-reflection and research on things you can do to make yourself happy.
Once you do that, girls will come, and it will be easy and fun, not torture, questioning yourself, and being miserable.
Worst case scenarios she would get back together with an ex boyfriend but still keep me in the loop, and not only did it destroy my self worth, but my confidence and constant questions of "I am not good enough"
What I did to fix this vicious relentless cycle I set myself in, was drop pursuing a relationship all together for a large amount of time, and set myself to something completely else. Mine was furthering my career, making money and hitting the gym because those were the things I wanted. Obviously to each their own, but I wanted to be self made and be proud and secure of myself when I woke up each morning.
I set small goals, first it was just go to the gym each day, which the hardest part for me was just getting into the car and going there, then I set my standards higher and now on a full workout regiment. This took me a lot of time, as I researched articles, getting the right foods, sleeping 8 hours a day, and overall just living a better lifestyle. During this period especially when I just did not have a single thought about pursuing a relationship, women starting looking at me differently.
I usually got a smile here or there, but now its more intriguing and you could tell just by my mindset women were starting to act differently around me. It wasn't the fact my muscles were getting bigger, but I had other priorities then chasing a woman around, I had my goals and wanting to achieve what I put my mind to.
The honest truth is you are exhibiting very bad habits, and its killing you. You aren't happy, you are depressed, probably anxious, not in control, and chasing something that you think will make you happy but it won't. What I read from this post is "I desire to be happy, I'm relentlessly chasing it around and being disappointed" and women will not make you happy, only you can.
Whatever that is, you already know it inside of you, maybe you are scared to go for it because you are scared or don't think you can do it. Start small and start fresh, delete tinder and dating apps (there will be there when the time is right) and do some self-reflection and research on things you can do to make yourself happy.
Once you do that, girls will come, and it will be easy and fun, not torture, questioning yourself, and being miserable.
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2015
- Messages
- 1,107
The Science of Oneitis:
Ok, so I talked to a very good counselor about this, and I got some new information on the science of oneitis. This post will be quite long, and it won't give you a very good idea for how to solve the problem, but at the very least, you'll begin to understand what's happening. Just bringing it into cognitive awareness in of itself will probably minimize the damage it does.
There are two parts of the brain which are involved in "romantic love". The first is the part where attraction occurs. This is the part which tells you, "I like her body, I like her ideas, I like her as a person, I want to sleep with her and perhaps also pursue something more serious". This is the part we all know and talk about on GC. It should be pretty clear to everyone here what causes attraction at this point, so I won't go into more detail on the topic.
Next is the part where attachment occurs. This is NOT the same as attraction. It is most definitely an entirely different part of the brain which activates when we feel this. Attachment is the feeling of oneitis. Oneitis is not attraction. Everyone has a different style of attachment. Our attachment style is more or less completely formed by the time we're two years old. Different attachment styles is what accounts for why there are some people who fall in love with women ridiculously fast, while there are others who take forever to fall in love. This variance in attachment is also the reason why there are some people out there who would like nothing more than to have 5 or 6 different fwbs, whereas others would much rather have something more serious with one person. Also, our attachment to a particular girl is somehow biologically triggered. This is very far below the surface. We don't yet know what these triggers are. We also don't know if they're universal or if they vary from person to person. But what we can say is that this is most definitely a chemical process. It's not a choice we make, it's not influenced by any type of mindsets we have, it has nothing to do with "abundance". Its Chemistry. In fact, it's very similar to addiction. Trying to think your way out of oneitis would be like trying to think your way out of a meth addiction. Btw, this chemical process is also the reason why we'll often have "oneitis" for someone we who doesn't logically mark our checklist for a mate at all.
So to be clear, Oneitis is nothing more than the feeling we get when someone somehow triggers this "attachment" within us. Since this is very below the surface, there isn't all that much we can do to stop it. Or if there is, science has not yet uncovered how we would go about doing that.
Even though I don't have a solution, here's something my counselor said to me which was very helpful: Bring all this into cognitive awareness. That is to say...when you feel oneitis, understand that despite how you feel, she is not any more valuable than any girl. There's no proof that she would make a good long term mate nor that she would make any positive long-term contribution to your life whatsoever. Even any "logical" reasons you might have for liking her so much are distorted. This is because it's likely that you're rationalizing this feeling of attachment you have for her. The only thing you know for sure is that she activated a certain chemical process in your brain which is causing you to feel this way. Therefore, assigning meaning to your infatuation with her would be ludicrous.
I don't know about you guys, but for me personally, as soon as I understood this, I already started to feel less emotional attachment to the women I have oneitis for.
Hope this helped!
Ok, so I talked to a very good counselor about this, and I got some new information on the science of oneitis. This post will be quite long, and it won't give you a very good idea for how to solve the problem, but at the very least, you'll begin to understand what's happening. Just bringing it into cognitive awareness in of itself will probably minimize the damage it does.
There are two parts of the brain which are involved in "romantic love". The first is the part where attraction occurs. This is the part which tells you, "I like her body, I like her ideas, I like her as a person, I want to sleep with her and perhaps also pursue something more serious". This is the part we all know and talk about on GC. It should be pretty clear to everyone here what causes attraction at this point, so I won't go into more detail on the topic.
Next is the part where attachment occurs. This is NOT the same as attraction. It is most definitely an entirely different part of the brain which activates when we feel this. Attachment is the feeling of oneitis. Oneitis is not attraction. Everyone has a different style of attachment. Our attachment style is more or less completely formed by the time we're two years old. Different attachment styles is what accounts for why there are some people who fall in love with women ridiculously fast, while there are others who take forever to fall in love. This variance in attachment is also the reason why there are some people out there who would like nothing more than to have 5 or 6 different fwbs, whereas others would much rather have something more serious with one person. Also, our attachment to a particular girl is somehow biologically triggered. This is very far below the surface. We don't yet know what these triggers are. We also don't know if they're universal or if they vary from person to person. But what we can say is that this is most definitely a chemical process. It's not a choice we make, it's not influenced by any type of mindsets we have, it has nothing to do with "abundance". Its Chemistry. In fact, it's very similar to addiction. Trying to think your way out of oneitis would be like trying to think your way out of a meth addiction. Btw, this chemical process is also the reason why we'll often have "oneitis" for someone we who doesn't logically mark our checklist for a mate at all.
So to be clear, Oneitis is nothing more than the feeling we get when someone somehow triggers this "attachment" within us. Since this is very below the surface, there isn't all that much we can do to stop it. Or if there is, science has not yet uncovered how we would go about doing that.
Even though I don't have a solution, here's something my counselor said to me which was very helpful: Bring all this into cognitive awareness. That is to say...when you feel oneitis, understand that despite how you feel, she is not any more valuable than any girl. There's no proof that she would make a good long term mate nor that she would make any positive long-term contribution to your life whatsoever. Even any "logical" reasons you might have for liking her so much are distorted. This is because it's likely that you're rationalizing this feeling of attachment you have for her. The only thing you know for sure is that she activated a certain chemical process in your brain which is causing you to feel this way. Therefore, assigning meaning to your infatuation with her would be ludicrous.
I don't know about you guys, but for me personally, as soon as I understood this, I already started to feel less emotional attachment to the women I have oneitis for.
Hope this helped!