A Wanderer's Journal


Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Jul 23, 2017
USA, East Coast, Planet Earth
(Edit: I know this is a really long entry, so I broke it up into parts to make more digestible. Come back and pick up where you left off as much as you want.


I've been through a lot in the past few weeks, I won't chronicle my entire history dating back to when I started my journey here in High School but I'll give enough in relevance to this reboot of my life and the important bits of the life before it. And to be honest, this isn't the first time I've had to start from scratch again with new people, new or renewed mentalities, and climbing back to a higher level skill set than what I naturally had as a shy and introverted teenager (I'm 21 now but you see what I mean when I say "reboot my life"). I've had to reboot twice now. Once in high school following a nasty case of oneitis that sent me into a down-spiral in my mental health as an already depressed teenager. And again recently as a young adult following the end of my first long term relationship of nearly year with my first love and now ex fiancé. I'm sure if you go through my posts you'll find plenty on my high school days but I was largely away from this website afterwards, so I'll stick to my second life replay.

I suppose it all started when I met my (ex)fiancé in early 2020. COVID was all the rage, I was in my first semester of college at a local community college, living with my folks (to my dismay, it's an empty nearly unpopulated town in the middle of nowhere. I blame that for my lack of field reports from before I got my new less run down car). Most people hated COVID and where feeling very isolated and lonely. All I had to say back then was, "Welcome to the club" from my little town, stuck in time (both the town and me to my high school days). People turned to online dating. I was already there and used to it, so to me COVID was actually quite profitable. I was getting busy. (Don't bother looking for reports, as I said, I wasn't active on the site back then too much so I never really took the time). I was on Okcupid, Bumble, Tinder (until I got banned for logging in too much in a day), hinge, and POF (plenty of fish). Most of them sucked. Hinge had a lot of hookers on there looking for clients (no thank you, don't need jail time or more debt), Tinder is known to be heavy on the ban hammer, so enjoy it for the brief time you can. Otherwise, it's great. The only two that where any good was Okcupid and Bumble. From what I can tell, Okcupid is mostly dead these days unless you can fly internationally every week... or are Jeff Bezos. Bumble still seems real good, give it a try if you haven't. Real low effort time saver in my opinion.

In fact, that's how I met her. She was just another girl on Bumble, albeit much more attractive than most others (even when I didn't know her and had just seen her first picture). I won't give all her dirty little secrets (she doesn't deserve that) but here's the basics: She was 18 and breathtaking, long black hair, a cute face, great curves in all the right places, a first generation American with parents from India, her style often depended but leaned in the professional direction when not boots and sweat pants with a crop top. She's seen some shit and has a scar above one of her puppy like eyes to show for it. We related in a lot personal ways like that, even having been in the same places at the same time for the same reasons (This trend continues even today sometimes). It's possible we've actually seen each other before and just never knew it. We related professionally too, I'm a writer and she's someone with a deadly good analytical personality (she had me figured out the moment we first talked and can explain exactly how she figured me out) with a love for editing and reading. She had been through a whore phase before me (power to her) and was very experienced and it showed in the bedroom.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, we met on Bumble. It was a brief but playful conversation that ended with us exchanging numbers and setting up a zoom meet (as we couldn't meet in person because while she didn't care about COVID, she did care about her strict parents (Who never let her leave the house other than to hang out with friends once a week or so. I was the thing that eventually brought her to stand up to her parents and gain her independence and status as an adult at 18... rather than 35 as her parents originally said). One of which, was suffering from cancer. Apparently I was the only guy who was understanding of this that she liked). So we started the zoom meeting a week later, (I remember, Thursday nights at 7pm...) it was a really good time, I remember we bonded a lot and really liking her more than I was comfortable with. But I wanted her, I knew that much. So we talked for about an hour (I had planned for 10 minutes, then homework but we lost track of time). I eventually did pull away and said I had to go though, as to leave her wanting more. She did.

We talked again next week and she definitely got more ;) We tried to kiss, forgetting somehow that there was just a screen. Then we where both bummed and wanted to do more. I said there might be a way. She asked how. I said "Well, I have hands... and you have hands..." slowing bringing my hands down between my legs off screen with bedroom eyes. She got the message, and smiled with her own bedroom eyes at the idea. So we took turns taking things off, telling the other what to take off. Next thing we knew, we had managed to make virtual sex feel real and came together. Then we did it again the next week. And the next. Eventually we started seeing each other twice a week. She started spending full nights on zoom with me, as a way of sleeping over. We spent until 5am talking most of the time. I got to know things about her not a single other person ever knew before me almost immediately at that point. We both had a great deal of trauma and some mental illness, some history of suicidal tendencies. (Note: This did show during times of crisis in our relationship, there where some times she almost broke up with me with the intent of pushing me away so she could. I had a few breakdowns from some PTSD episodes. We always saved each other. In fact, we actually found ways to help each other cope. Things we both do for ourselves and each other). At some point she started seeing the world differently, in a better light actually. She thanks me for this, but I had help.

About a month in, she found a way to sneak out of her house during lock down and come see me. She can't drive, so her best friend drove her over to me. It was raining, I was just chilling on the front porch waiting. Dancing and walking to "come and get you've love", while her and her friend where on the way singing another song and trying to dance in car seats :p (I know because she sent me footage on snapchat on her way). When she arrived, her friend met me to say hi then left her for her "dick appointment" as they called it :p I walked her in and she immediately met all my very excited pets (two dogs, a cat, and two birds. She was and still is in love with all of them) as well as my mother who was home. They said hi and I quickly led her away up to my room, where we talked for a few seconds before jumping on a mattress I had on the ground like kids.

We stopped for a second after a minute of this and standing close to each other, made eye contact, smiled, then we both lost balance (apparently standing on a mattress isn't all that easy after jumping on it) and I fell backwards. She fell right on top of me. Both our eyes rushed from eyes to lips, breathing heavy. Then it was game on. The sex was heavy. I think even the neighbors heard us. We went for an hour straight and she absolutely loved it, came a few times too (wasn't hard to tell when she spasmed and dug her nails into my back, clawing me up good). We lost count after 5. Eventually I came too, she did again as well at the same time. Unfortunately that was all the time she had bought us away from her parents at home so she had to go a few minutes after cleaning up and cuddling. She took my hand as I walked her out and she reach for my hand, holding it. I wasn't expecting her to but she just grabbed it. I held her hand back. In that moment we both knew this was going to be something. In that moment I decided I wanted that. It wasn't official until a few weeks later. I tried getting her to ask for it, but she refused to push anything on me, having originally gotten the idea that I liked my freedom (Looking back, I was in misery like that and yearned for a connection). At some point she just blatantly asked if I wanted one with her and I said yes. She smiled and said she did too. I asked if it was official then, she said "I think so" clearly implying that it was.


We snuck out a few times to have sex, once even having sex in the back of my first car in a park parking lot... in broad daylight. With towels and paper clips holding the towels to the canvas top of my convertible to give us privacy. The car shook back and forth just like in the movies. We found out quick that my condoms where actually too small for me. It hurt to cum most of the time and it was a good deterrent for longer sex but hey, it hurt. Thus, I now use magnums. She was also shocked to eventually find out she was my first time having intercourse, that I only ever got head... a lot of head (which she is actually the best at to this day), and never gave any back. (She gave me a few lessons on this... I got really good after a while but lacked the duration as I was usually more tempted to using my fingers (which she also taught me) and other things (which I didn't need a lesson on... apparently I'm a natural there). Every time we snuck out to have sex, she gave me a fake flower (usually a lavender color) and took something as a trinket for a jar she has for memories. Eventually I just started giving her small but meaningful gifts. Bringing her to tears of joy sometimes.

She had also brought me to tears of joy before too. I never felt so cared for in my entire life. Not even by my own parents or friends. Yet she cared enough to go out of her way and write multiple love letters and tending to me whenever I needed (or didn't). Simply because she wanted to. She bought me food through doordash on multiple occasions, gave me gifts worth more than $100.00 that she knew I'd like (Including my first record player, with bluetooth), and nursed me back to health even when I did get sick a few times. I'm getting carried away.

Point is, it was for sure a whirlwind romance. We spent every second we could on zoom together (even when we didn't talk and where doing our own things) She met all of my family members very quickly and made close bonds to all of them, she said she didn't feel like she had a family until she met me and mine. Eventually she went off to college 3 hours away in DC, but not after I flunked out of my first semester thanks to a video game addiction I had. She tried to help cut me off but it more often just created tension. I said I planned on going back when I got the money and we agreed the distance could actually work in our favor.

Her classes where mostly online and she only had to be in DC for a few days a week. So I'd drive her back and forth so she could live with me most of the time. That started as just a weekend every other week, but it became every weekend, then every day as time went on. We where exploring the tri state area on a daily basis and destroying my room, always starting with the bed just as often. Her friends became my friends and mine hers. I met her parents (It was very tense... they liked me... but they definitely wanted to test me, blatantly. Going so far as to insult me and see how I responded. Apparently I did good).

I proposed to her (it started as a joke but became more) and she immediately said yes. We didn't want to announce anything publicly until our one year anniversary though. We even planned out when we where going to have kids (we both love kids, are good with kids, and want kids), how many, what their names would be, where we'd live, and what jobs we'd have. We had a whole time table planned. Although there were a few times we almost did have kids, we liked having unprotected sex for a bit before the protection was put on after a minute or two in.

One or two times she encouraged me to finish inside her, knowing I'd want to (Turns out, I have a kink). I did twice. Both times took, both times she felt it immediately. Both times we finished after hours and she was literally drunk on sex. (The towel we laid on the bed was soaked from both of us, although more so her.) Unable to talk right, walk right, or think right. She was fully drunk on sex. Both times she just laid there, eyes wide with nothing but pure pleasure, love, and joy. Biggest smile I'd ever seen get stuck on her face. When she sobered up enough, I'd walk her out to the car, take her to CVS, then buy her Plan B and bring her back for food.

Holidays where awesome. Christmas she spent with my family, new years I spent with hers, valentines day we had the house to ourselves for at least two days, fourth of July we watch fireworks by the window... then fucked there and as I went off so did she all the while fireworks literally went off above us.

At some point, she found out about this website and found me on here. She loved it, all of it. Most of it anyway. She was skeptical at first but after some reading got fully on board and even said, she likes the idea of a trained up man. Of course, she respected that I wanted my privacy on the forums after talking.

We had our whole lives working great. We where on top of the world.

And then we fell off.


After some time, everything that wasn't supposed to happen all at once. Her family was taking her away from DC (not knowing she was living with me) for the summer to work at her family owned hotel about an hour and a half away from me but would never have a chance to sneak off or see me in person for at least 1.5 months. I had accumulated more debt after my car broke down and had to get a new one, which meant I also had to find a better job fast.

One of my exes forced their way back into my life and wouldn't stop causing problems for us (such as sending me tittie pics by "accident") and I never handled it right (don't delete the texts and pictures before telling them... She already knew something happened, I could never lie to her and get away. She knew me too well.... I couldn't play poker with her either). Other women also threw themselves at me (again, I never handled that right. I had no clue how to turn a woman down. I never really went with it either though. I just complimented and said stupid things without thinking to them while rejecting them too much and it got uncomfortable for her.

She already used to worry that I'd run off with someone "hotter" than her. I always told her that I never knew anyone like that but she'd worry anyway. I was good at comforting and reassuring her after the fact though). My video game addiction came back again and hit harder than ever, Causing me to neglect her on zoom around the clock, thus forcing her to confront me and after failing, going to a guy I knew she had in her back pocket (for emotional support) after I introduced them at a mutual friend's party and he tried asking her out. She said no, walked away. And told me about it. My friends who where also there back up that statement. And although he was clumsy, he was a very likable guy and she had no friends at that time. She asked me if it'd be okay for them to be friends. I knew it was bad, that I should say no. But I wanted more time playing video games, so I said yes.

I knew things would go south the last time I dropped her off before the 1.5 months. So she promised she wouldn't make any big decisions during the time apart.

I did however, get a much better job I loved, and a much better car we both love. I got my shit together in terms of turning women down and found a way to kick my ex to the curb. Her insecurity faded.

Then I eventually recovered from my addiction, but it was too late.


My friends left my life for a time because we had some falling out over my addiction as well. Oh and my job I was supposed to go to but never did? Was about to fire me and my coworkers had no respect for me (fair enough but it lasted even after I started doing my job well). I was totally cut off from all my friends, was about to lose my job, and was depending on her to keep me sane during the time. And it showed no sign of passing soon. I think it just added to her struggle on her side of things.

She had also said she felt like we where losing our spark during my addiction but by the point the addiction was over, was unable to hold on any longer emotionally although she did try, even gave us a week in person to try and recreate the spark. Although before the last week, I drove myself mad trying to save the relationship. Only digging my grave even more. But when she did come over... It was the best time we had in a while by then. Everything felt like it was back to normal and I could tell there where times she felt the same. On the last night, we went on a midnight walk through town. We had a heartfelt conversation, like a few others we had during the time she was here that week. Neither one of us felt like anything was saved... but we did still feel the same way to each other (although these days I think she'd rationalize that she lost all feelings by that point but she still says she loves and cares about me and I know her tells too, and I could tell she definitely felt something). We agreed that instead of fully breaking up the best thing to do would take a four year break for college. And we agreed it was the best way for us to avoid resenting each other. We agreed to keep having sex (that it was just too good to give up, she still says I'm the best she's ever had... well she didn't want to comment given, the current situation. But I could tell). We agreed that if anyone had a chance of coming back, it was us. (although she had been in casual relationships before, she was never dumped, she never took anyone back, and she never felt a lasting love for them. I being her first love, was the opposite in all ways but one- dumping. She still agrees to these sentiments today).

We then came home (back when it felt like home for us), laid down on the bed, and made love one last time. Knowing it would likely be the last. I turned on the record player she gave me (an instrumental of "Because we've ended as lovers" - Jeff Beck) and it looped over a few times. It was a while before protection went on, but it eventually went on. She howled out my name, that she loved me multiple times, came a few times, nails digging into my back. Eventually she went to mark me (hickey) as hers one more time out of impulse but stopped when she remembered. She genuinely lit up the room with a love and passion for us more than I had ever seen her do before. And when the music stopped for the last time, I finished along with her again. While doing so, she wrapped her legs around me and not only held me inside her, but also pushed me even further than ever and held me there for a long time. We then cleaned up and went to bed. In the morning I'd take her to back to her school in DC for the last time. This time we took a train, before boarding she was overwhelmed (she said about other things but I'm not sure about that) she slept on my shoulder most of the way. Arms wrapped tightly around one of mine. When we got off the train, things quickly changed. But the habits remained, like a light flickering before dying. When I got back to my car at the station, I called her. She immediately answered and said she loved me. I was notably confused, she apologized and said it was reflex. That it wouldn't happen again. I tried to give some encouragement but she held herself to it.

There was fallout in our families. I don't know the extent on her side, but it's safe to assume that there was a lot. My family didn't help either, they took the split personally and sent her messages. Talked bad about the whole thing to me. I clearly got pissed at them and got them to keep to themselves... they've relaxed by now. She still misses my family. She misses the house. Sometimes she even misses me. At least this is what I've been told by her. It seems true. I think some of my family misses her as well, but are still hurt. Mostly my mother, who she was closest with. After all, she lived with us for nearly a year both online and in person. Her friends say that there's still feelings there. She says they are too, just that it's different now.

For the first week after our break up, she just went out at night with her friends a lot. Posting about it on the media. (I have also recently noticed she left a post with me in it up... although it includes other parts of her life as well). I went out with my friends too, going out to bars and meeting women. Posting about that on social media. She was the first to notice.


After a week or so, she met with me online. She was hesitant but she wanted to tell me something. She had the look of guilt in her eyes. Told me she just got into a relationship. I took that news well but at that point, I knew exactly what had happened. And that was what got to me. When she came over the last time we tried hard to get the spark back and got something but it didn't happen enough. And she wouldn't stop talking about or to the other guy from the party before she came over (not that I tried to stop them). In fact, I somehow forgot about him during all this. She wouldn't tell me who it was, but I knew. I asked if it was him. She let out a breath and said yeah. I lashed out, threw shit around my room, wreaking it a bit in the process, punched the wall multiple times, walked out of the room with her crying for me to come back and calm down. I was going to a mutual friend of mine and his and she knew it. I left him a real nasty message. He responded calmly and politely. I knew the fucker lived close by to me thanks to my friend, and I was going to go over there and kick his door down.

But then she called me. I came back. We talked. I calmed down a bit and we talked about what this meant for us and went into detail about what exactly happened. We agreed the 4 year plan stays as neither of us can predict that. We wouldn't be sleeping together so long as they where together though. She reassured me nothing happened while we where together. That during that time, it was all platonic. Having seen the messages, been constantly around her during that time online, and just knowing her, I believe her. Although she knew I wasn't going to take it being him well as I explicitly told her how I would feel if she ended up with someone I knew. And although I didn't know him well, I know of him well enough. She knew it was fucked up. Her friends knew it was fucked up. My friends knew it was fucked up too. I definitely knew it was fucked up. But it happened.

For that she felt guilty as hell, she felt guilty for hurting me like that (she fully broke down over that), she felt guilty for pushing my family away like that as well (as they where all still close but confused before. This was the point they where hurt though). She told me to be mad at her that it was all her fault. Not mine, not his. I fully disagreed. She made a choice, yes. But she tried so hard for us, she tried to prepare me for the break and later for this when she gave the news. And her choice was influenced by her emotions, which she has very little to no control over. Yet she tried to control that to, and impressively enough managed to for some time. However, I know that he was more in control. He was able to make a decision to pursue or not knowing full and well what he was doing behind the scenes. He had more distance and control over his emotions. I could've stopped all of this, I could've just gotten my shit together in the first place rather than remaining static in my life. I could've kept him at bay in the first place or cut him off once he showed his intent by getting so close to her. But I didn't. I made a lot of mistakes. So I shoulder most of the blame and he carries plenty as well. She carries some but little.

But she punished herself enough and I have to forgive myself, there's nothing more I can do now other than learn and move forward. Wither that be to her later down the line or someone else. I'm open to both in time. But him, I don't care. I see him, I will deck him.

So anyway, we talked about him a bit. She says she talks to him about me a lot, and for that reason he seems to want me to stay in her life. They hadn't had sex yet either but they where going to meet a few days later. He was going to drive down to her, just like I did. That really didn't sit well with me. I couldn't sleep after that. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was him fucking my first love's brains out. It was torture. I had to drink myself to sleep sometimes or just stay up until I passed out fast. Then I'd dream everything was ok. Like I was watching an alternate universe where if I did better, we'd still be together. Then I'd wake up and go through it all over again.

And in the light of day in our old home, all I saw where memories. I went out to town. Nothing more than memories. I had no friends to be there for me. I couldn't talk to her without annoying the shit out of her because it only brought her more guilt to see me in so much pain. Eventually it got to be the day before. I talked to her on zoom one more time for us to say farewell. It was sweet. She said I would always be able to call her if anything happened, then we hugged the screen as if we where hugging each other. I said I love her, not expecting anything back. Even saying so. She said she loves me as well before I can even finish. Then with tears in her eyes, she left. I closed my laptop and tried for some rest, having not slept or eaten well for days. I couldn't, I fell into a panic attack, and called her. Making us have to say farewell again. This time she was annoyed as she was knee deep in shit with her teacher, emailing them (as I later found). We tried to make it nice then went our ways again. The night came, and I could think about was what was about to happen. I began to think she didn't care or have any love left in any way. I flashed back to better times, then I flashed forward to my worst nightmare realized, then fell back into the present. Helpless. With no one to turn to.

There on the couch I was now sleeping on because I couldn't even look at the bed anymore, I opened my laptop and started writing a letter. I'd include it here but this is already long enough. It wasn't a love letter. I grabbed two bottles of pain pills and Iron along with vodka and whisky. I started taking them down like M&ms and soda (terrible taste, sometimes still taste it). Turned on the tv and played some ambience with a city apartment background it was snowing outside of, with a piano playing in the background. I imagined she was playing it like she used to sometimes when I was with her at her place. I reflected upon better times, said what I missed, what I feared, what I was feeling, what I was seeing, and that I'm sorry. I was sorry for what I had let happen to us and our families. I was sorry for what I had already done to myself.

I didn't think she'd care. I didn't think she cared at all at the time. I didn't think she had any love of any sort for me. And I certainly didn't think I had any friends. But I wanted to talk to someone, anyone at the time about what I was going through for some form of comfort on the way out. I finished the bottle (100 pills) and was moving on to the next when I started to pass out. I finished the letter in a google doc and shared it with her. She read it, then told her friend to get in touch with me. Her friend tried talking me down but yeah it was a little late. She showed me a message from my ex to her, she was too overwhelmed emotionally to deal with what was happening. The friend threatened to call 911 as my ex called me. She sounded very annoyed. Told me to go to bed or they'd call 911. I told them I was and that I was fine. They left me alone. And then I finished up what I could, then passed out. Never expecting to wake up.


Obviously I'm here. So yeah, I woke up the next afternoon in agony. Felt like I was on the brink and also on the brink of hurling. I did throw up in the bathroom, then passed out on the floor. Woke up again. Did it again. Rinse repeat a few hundred times. Eventually I stay awake and started dry heaving. My body never knows when to stop with vomit (I learned my drinking limits fast). So I knew I wasn't dying. I tried getting some help from the girls but they either weren't up or were busy and didn't get my messages. Eventually I just said fuck it, bill me. I called 911 for an ambulance. They came quick and got me out of the house, then took me to a hospital and fixed me up good. I would be fine. But I'd feel like hell for a few days. Ripped up my stomach real good. The girls eventually got my messages and I told them what really happened. I think my ex was skeptical. She asked for a picture of the room. I showed her and then we talked a bit more over text. It was not pleasant, but it came from a good place. Her friend did message me during the time I was in the hospital. She was very reassuring of my situation. My old friend group got back in touch as well, we made amends. They gave plenty of comfort and encouragement.

I would be in the emergency room for two days. I felt much better by the second. I had no desire to kill myself at that point and realized just how bad of a mind state I was in when it all happened. I felt and still do feel very guilty over putting everyone, especially her, through all that. My mother brought me some books as I'd have nothing to do for a week. So I spent most of the time reading books I always meant to read from my personal library but never did. They where exactly the books I needed to read, I started thinking about my situation and what I could do to better it. It wasn't hard to see I was the root problem of my problems and that death is not a valid answer. So I got paper, pencil, then started writing out a plan for myself moving forward. I do like to hold my cards to my chest these days, so I'm keeping it to myself for now, but the intent is to better myself to be the person I was when I first got into the relationship and even better.

I even did push ups and stuff in my own room there when I got bored with writing and reading. I started eating full meals. Started eating literally everything I could get. It was like my apatite had gone feral. Drank so much damn water. I think the only thing I pissed was clear water. Then I went to a mental hospital voluntarily. I met some people there going through similar things to me, I was able to bounce thoughts off of them and them back to me. In the end it was really just therapy 24/7. I went to some group therapy but I was already feeling good by that part so it really just gave me a boost to the point I felt like getting back to my passion and future career of writing. And write I did. I stole paper where ever I could, colored pencils too. Then I spent about a day or two just fucking writing. It was liberating. They put me on medication for a combination of what I have: clinical depression and ADHD (mostly racing thoughts and inattentive, and really only getting dopamine from immediate fixes rather than long term rewards. Plus I'm very prone to addiction. Explains my video game addiction a whole lot).

I was release within a week of getting to the hospital. I hadn't thought of her very much or had any flashbacks since being there for a few days. I guess I needed a controlled environment to go through the relationship withdraw. I had also had a lot of time to process what happened and my feelings towards the situation. There was a time I became bitter. But my friend in the hospital pulled me back and I began to see sense. When I finally got out of the hospital, my mother took me back to the house. I don't want to call it home anymore, I refer to it as a temporary abode. I need to see that this is not my place. I am technically homeless. The only home that I can find is in the university dorm that I'm working towards while repeating my first semester exactly a year later. I'm keeping my bags packed until I get there. And I put my game console in storage, out of reach then made a very public announcement to all my friends about the addiction in detail and why I'll never play again. They support me there. I haven't play a single game since.

You would think all was well after that, story's over... right? Wrong.


I went back to the house only to find, half of my things where either thrown out or sold by my mother. Most things thrown out where gifts from my ex. And my whole room was rearranged so I couldn't find shit. My mother did this with good intent but just sent me into a frenzy. I was pissed. I yelled what the fuck to the point I pretty much lost my voice and ended up accidentally breaking even more of my things as I rummaged through the ruins of my room to see what I had left and pack it up. Most of the things we where able to get back. And thankfully I was able to recover a years worth of sentimental value and probably close to $1,000.00 worth of belongings from the trash. However some things where beyond recovery and it's notable. My room will never look the same. I'm okay with that now though, it's just temporary. Less shit to pack anyway.

I did put away reminders of her in a place out of sight and out of mind. But I do still have them, and it's staying that way. That time meant a lot to me and I never want to feel like it didn't happen. Anyway, I did pack my shit then and went out to my car. Planning on driving off and living in it for a time. But it was close to 100 degrees that day (F not C, for all the foreign readers out there) and the car was even hotter with limited air conditioning. So I went and stayed with my brother for a night while everything cooled off. He's been of a more helpful role in my recovery than the rest of my family, who have always been pessimistic and depressed and it shows (we do have a history of these things, it's a miracle I didn't get pessimism full time like they did). Then I did go back to the house the next day and just got comfortable being there again for the day. I eventually got comfortable enough to be in my room again for a while (there's not a lot of light in there so it's best to only be there when you need to be).

I turned on my phone again for the first time in a while as well, wondering what I came back to. A lot, actually. My boss was actually okay with me taking the week off for medical leave and a little more sympathetic. I no longer work there though, I've moved on to greener pastures. Instead of making water into coffee like a delicious Jesus, I make chicken taste fucking good 40 hours a week (easy job) or babysit kids when I'm not in school. Not sure which job i'm keeping yet, but the kids seem better for me (and my ex, who has always been right about this shit, agrees). It's hella close so I save on gas and I have more time for classes.

There where also messages from my friends, more words of encouragement. Then there was another I wasn't sure I was ready for...

She left me some messages. However, they weren't bad she was just trying to check in on me but when I didn't respond she just told me to not worry about it and take my space. I didn't reply. (In fact, I didn't get back in touch with her for a few days until I was sure I was ready. We where something special to each other... that we have always agreed on, and that we want each other in our lives. One way or another. And I was worried what she might do, she always said if I died she was going too. I just didn't think she would that night.)

I opened my laptop to see the google doc letter open. I go to close it but I notice there where edits made the day before I left the hospital. She edited the document. Nothing was moved or deleted. Everything was the same... accept she added to it. It wasn't much, in fact it was only three words:

"I dont know...."

She didn't know how she felt about me or her feelings or everything that happened.

I told her friend that I'm out and okay now. Then I messaged my ex when she said she gave some of my things to her friend in PA to deliver to me. Things like keys she had, t-shirts of mine she had stolen, some of my underwear she also stole (I wouldn't let her take my hoodies), and my suitcase. She did keep a few things though. She kept all of her mementos and gifts from me and our time.

I texted my ex that I realized that this was hard for both of us, that I was sorry I only made it harder, then that I'd like for us to still be able to talk on occasion as friends, then to take all the time she needs herself.

She got back to me really quickly. The message started warm but ended on a dismissive note.

She eventually got back to me after I said something like never mind. She was a bit cold, but warming up. We texted and she got warmer and warmer, by the time we were done talking we where friends and she was fully back in touch with me on social media. Which is where we basically rebooted our relationship as well, restarting our chat as if we had just met again (though as friends). The sentiments and memories are all still there. Sometimes we reflect on them. She has been looking back somewhat coldly but the more we reflect on it the nicer she sees it. We set a time for us to video chat, on a Wednesday at 7pm (Thursdays she's in class at 7pm, lady's got law school).


One night, she hit me up when I wasn't expecting her to. We texted for a bit, but she wasn't very invested in the conversation at first. I persisted through the conversation and she warmed up, then started saying more in text and replying faster. It got to a point where we had a really deep conversation about him and us, our past, our families, and our dreams. I learned a lot more about him. After learning what I've learned I think he was her second choice for once she realized the me she fell in love with was gone for a good while. I also heard a few stories that earned my respect. But if I see him, I'll still deck him. Mostly on principle. She want's us to get along, he's heard all the stories about me from her. He wants to get along as well. I'm down but we'll have to get the man-dance out of the way first. And he'll never be my friend, just civil and respectful (given that he continues to give it).

It's a lot for me to see her like she was with me with him, vaguely nauseating actually, so I'm keeping distance for a while. But keeping in touch. After our next video chat, I'll be seeing her twice for every three months (Edit: once around 1.5 months normally, might mix it up so it's not routine). I've also learned he's actually not a charmer at all, in fact he's god awful with women. Her words, not mine. He's just a really likable guy. And that they're not going to do anything about their distance for a while (they have no end planned for it right now as far as I know), he's going to another law school about the same distance away from her as I was when we started. I'll be 1.5 hours away once I get to my university, but there'll also be plenty of other women there. She knows both of those things, and is happy to hear it. I learned a lot more too but it doesn't matter. If you heard it, you'd think the same.

"By god- when the honeymoon phase ends, I'll be surprised if you two will make it another month." They've got a lot to keep up and a very poor foundation but they just started out so I don't know. Maybe they make it a bit... better. Maybe they think it's good as it is. Either way, I'll be here doing my own thing. Like a dog sniffing around the dinner table floor. Maybe something falls off the table, maybe there's already something down here I'm more content with. Who knows. Guess we'll see.

Damn that would've been a good note to end on.

We ended up talking from 7pm that night until 2am the next day, like old times. Just talking, bonding, connecting, having a good time. And I could tell she wanted to keep going but I had things to do and so did she, the soon to be lady lawyer.
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Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Jul 23, 2017
USA, East Coast, Planet Earth
Not much has happened as of late that I can think of but there is a few updates as to where I am with rebuilding my life.

I guess I should preface with a broad goal here:

In short, I want to get back to being the me that was on top of the world. The me that met and successfully seduced my then future fiancé (now ex), that dude could charm the pants off of anyone from a mile away (which was necessary during Covid). The me that would sit down for two hours and churn out forty pages of shit people loved to eat up and be proud of his written works (both creative and educational). I was a bit of bum though, so I plan on lapping myself there in terms of work ethic. The me that knew he could and would be able to handle himself no matter what life threw at him.

These days, I am definitely not that dude. Which is what I see as the main reason I am still unhappily single (and being in a bit of a scarcity mindset... although this knowledge helps willpower my way away from needy actions while I work on this).

That charm? The magic of that dude? Yeah... not right now. I normally feel as awkward as the kid who came to pajama day in his boxers (true story from my more formative days) but people don't seem to treat me like a guy coming off awkward... I'm so sure that it's obvious I feel that way though. I guess I'm just getting used to getting back in the game (because it don't matter if ya like it, just if ya good at it. Might as well get used to it and try to have fun). And being an hour to three hours from the nearest place that has a high enough population to probably not be inbred doesn't help. It leaves me mostly depending on online dating again and going to clubs/ cities every other weekend, the cyber of the two I'm getting back into very naturally. I've already snagged a few numbers for later after being back online for a day or two. Better yet, I can tell I'm close to landing a date with someone considerably attractive (if they can't compete in the slightest with my ex in terms of attractiveness then I filter them out, I'm trying to move onward and upward. Not downward and backward. Even if most of the women I do like only meet the same caliber as her at best, which is more of a testament to her than a blow to me honestly). Attractiveness is all I really care about at the moment, one serious relationship is enough for now but hey, never know.

Word-wise, I wasn't writing jack from shit for almost the whole relationship. Upon refection, I think that was because I found it hard to just hyper focus on it like I normally do (adhd is a gift... sometimes, I'm either hyper focused or too busy trying to remember what I was trying to remember...) because we ended up smothering each other after some time when we started living together (no complaints, it was fun... but for the sake of this post, it was unproductive and telling her to fuck off so I could write didn't sit well with myself because I knew she wanted to be there and that it'd be hours). Now things are looking a bit better, I find myself actually writing a little creative stuff every day and academic everyday. There was one time I did talk with her this past month, which actually ended on a much better note than I thought it would once she shipped my stuff back to me from her place and kept a few things I wanted her to keep. That put me in a good enough mood to get me to glue my ass in my chair and start writing a book I had meant to start for about four years now.... I finished about a quarter of the rough draft in a single sitting. Looked over it later, it all looks good too. So, props to me.

Work life is looking good too, I left my old shit hole making people shit one caffeinated drink at a time for another less shit hole I can walk to taking care of a classroom full of kids. (Okay... I think that might actually be fun) It pays less but it works around my time in school so I won't have to bend over backwards and end up picking between an education or gas and a decent meal. Speaking of school, I am getting more shit done now... still need to work on the time management part but what else is new?

I am happy to say however, that I'm noticing I catch more attention from the women in my class but there's really only two of maybe eight that I'm really interested in. Both total opposites, one totally reserved and shy garage band chick and the other being an outgoing ambitious career orientated woman I find strangely familiar. I've gotta work on really making anything happen there if I really think it's worth it but I'm more focused on getting the better grades. For good reason too, I went and made myself known at prospective university known for it's parties... It does not disappoint, It's a beautiful place with even more pretty women (a population of over 6,000 people... I guess they stopped counting) and very convenient housing options. For a few fistfuls of dollars more, I could instead share an apartment with roommates and have the privacy of my very own bedroom (walls and all) on campus rather than a typical room with no privacy.

So I think when I get on campus, things are (hopefully) gonna get easier. I just gotta find a way to game through the winter here in my small town in the middle of nowhere... I'm thinking I'll head up to the cities once and a while. (New York City's in my sights but about 3 hours away, so Philly at only an hour away, might just be my go to when I'm feeling lazy at the wheel). Still have no idea what I'd do once I got there though... I've never really done day game in a place with so many people, I'm very used to day game in easy going malls and such. I'd ideally prefer to meet one of ya'll there but I'll go on my own if I need to.

All in all, things aren't great still. But I'm trying. And making some progress, slowly but surely.
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Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Jul 23, 2017
USA, East Coast, Planet Earth
Well, 2022 has been an interesting year...

I'll try to keep it brief but it's been a year so there is much to say. I realize now that our journals are typically supposed to be about our interactions with women and progression in improving in seduction and such. I don't think I realized that when I first started journaling but I think it makes sense to continue to do so because from what I've seen, the quality of my interactions with women is somewhat dependent on a variety of things in my life. In other words, it pretty much all intertwined so I'm just going to give the full context.

Starting My First Semester at University

I got to my university and it was pretty lonesome start. I didn't know a lot of people and I still had a lot of approach anxiety after being in a relationship and away from approaching. I guess I did have some fortune in who my roommate(s) assigned to me was. The guy I bunked with was a hell of a player. Guy grew up in the city and could charm his way out of a bag. I took some notes with a grain of salt from conversations we had but I learned a lot from just observing how the guy lived (wake up, say good morning to 20 girls on the phone. Go to bed, do the same without the one in bed with him noticing). We got along great and within the first week at university, I had already met 3 new girls and had a date with one of them set. My roommate always encouraged me to get out there with the girls (he's pretty much THE big man on campus) but when I brought the girl back to my dorm room on the date, opened the door thinking I texted him and he cleared out. Yet there he was in his underwear and sleeveless shirt, sweating his balls off playing video games and not looking at his phone. I gave him a look and he pretty much started to clear out but the guy took his time... took close to an hour and five minutes to leave. Meanwhile I was on the couch with her and she pretty much ends up wanting to leave so I let her out. The other two girls fell through too. Oh well, on to the next. What else can ya do?

I don't remember if it was the first or second week but I had found my people in two different classes. I sat down in the first and met my best friend who looked like Jim Morrison with as much charm. We would go on to have wild adventures nobody would believe almost every other week, I told him everything about myself and he did the same. Turns out we're pretty much the same person, having even gotten the same scars the same way around the same time in our lives. It was a pretty strong bond we had. I think some people thought we were gay haha we did flirt with each other for fun but it was never serious. He would go on to encourage me to pick up a guitar and learn to sing. We ended up starting a band and I found my new love for it to be the best feeling ever, I wasn't nearly as good as I am now. It's cliché but girls do love it and it's been a huge help here on campus AND online. Unfortunately he also got me to pick up smoking and I got him to pick up drinking, two vices we were both well aware had been problems for the men in our families. It was inevitably going to happen at some point, I don't smoke much. Maybe once a month when shit hits the fan or when there's a social context for it. Drinking has never been my thing, that was more his. Thus, I almost never drink (unless I'm at a bar to meet new women, but I don't do that much here as it's pretty much begging for disease. Same with the frat parties, people ended up getting covid so much this way it got renamed frat flu... and the last time I caught covid, managing anything became hellish.

The Girl That'll Ruin You're Life

The second class of the two mentioned, I ran to because I was late on the first day. Sat down, and then got up to find a partner for our first assignment. Low and behold, what's that I see? A cute goth girl sitting in the back alone. I'm an alternative guy (not like piercings, think grunge stoner. I've been compared to Kurt Cobain so many times I've just started to lean into it. I know it limits my options but those options remaining are pretty much the ones I prefer anyway) and I had always wanted to meet someone like her but never did back in my small hick hometown. Turns out there's a lot of girls like her around here but I didn't know that back then so it was hard for me to not pedestal her.

Anyway, we hit it off pretty well on the spot. It started with a joke of me still being out of breath from the running. I ended up getting in a fight with that teacher and dropped the class after a week. But my major is journalism so I was pushed to join the school paper staff (best choice of my life for a million and one reasons) turns out that she's friends with the head editor of the paper and went to the meeting to support her. I ran into her there and almost right off the bat asked her out. I brought my record player with me to my dorm and invited her to come listen with me, her being the alt stoner chick she is had no problem at all to agreeing to getting high and listen to some records two nights from then (I think it was two nights, it was less than a week). By now my roommate and I had gotten the girl thing sorted out for the room and I got him out before she arrived. We ended up doing all the shit we said we would and eventually found ourselves on the bed pretty close while listening to a record and I'm trying to make the transition from hanging out to more happen. That was when she told me she had a boyfriend. I was lost as to why she was just telling me now but went with it. She didn't leave, she just invited me to her place. So we walked over to her dorm, I was again pretty blown away by just how much her aesthetic was exactly what I wanted in a partner. She didn't just wear it, it was everywhere in her room. She had her room very well decorated, it actually had a very comforting and intimate feel to it.

We hung out for a bit there and I was blunt about the fact that I liked her, she didn't seem to want to push me away and we ended up being friends. I found out she ate alone every night and was lonely as all hell. Thus we began eating together almost every night. We spent a lot of time together and she eventually met my bestfriend. My ex and I were beginning to get along more again too and whenever I brought up this new girl my ex would become argumentative. I could tell having this girl in my life bugged her and it felt good to show her what I felt about her new boyfriend (who she'd routinely tease me about back then). As for me and my two new friends, we had a pretty good dynamic as a group, but her boyfriend (who I had met once. Maybe two or three times, but bottom line was basically a stranger to me) didn't really like me much. He seemed pretty insecure and from what I could gather they were having a rocky relationship at the time. Although that ended up getting more stable as the semester went on and by the end of the semester I had seen her more as a sister. It was next to impossible for me to see her in sexual light at that point. Unfortunately I was really distracted by her, school, and my other friends so much that I didn't really approach anyone for a majority of the semester. Summer came and I lived two hours away from both my friends. I only saw her three times during the break, most of which was because she had invited me over while I was visiting my bestfriend... every time. I wrote her once because I said I would and wanted to keep good on promises. She claims to not remember such but it was a very platonic letter anyway. I think half of it was just bitching about the weather but I don't remember.

The Falling Out

She also liked to drink a lot. So we drank a lot. I had by this point spent the night with her once or twice after drinking. Nothing happened but she'd act like she didn't remember things sometimes. When things became more platonic she didn't seem to think so but it felt that way to me. Anyway so this semester starts and I'm excited to get out of the house I have so much trauma linked to and go see my friends but something felt off. I felt some kind of heavy dread I couldn't explain, it was like there was something in the wind. After my first week there, my band and I were set to perform our first show and I was nervous as all hell so I invited the girl of my group as support. I wanted to be surrounded by people I was comfortable with. Then she invites her boyfriend. She had been doing this so routinely it was annoying and I'd always find a way to not have to spend time around him because he was always passive aggressive toward me and it was extremely tiring and discomforting to me. So I talk to my bestfriend about it. I mean, I was the singer and one of the band members had decided one of the songs we were going to do was about a guy stealing a girl from right under the boyfriends nose... yeah, like singing that would be a good look for me. So I tried to get out of it again and my friend says I need to stop treating the boyfriend like shit because he was a cancer survivor and a "saint". I said he should know it wasn't like that, I just don't know him well aside from him being aggressive toward me but he didn't want to hear it. I stopped by his place to check on him because he wasn't responding and he flipped out and said he didn't want to do the show anymore. Clearly he was not happy to see me.

By this point he had gotten a girlfriend and had somehow gotten the idea that I liked stealing women (I know that's a thing, it's not my thing). We got in a fight and he ended up saying he needed time to think. I drive back, call up the girl. She's with her boyfriend. I basically said "perfect, I need to talk to both of you." and so we meet. I'm having an anxiety attack at this point (talk about bad timing) and trying to clear things up with the guy thinking the girl would back up that nothing was happening but she instead decided to blame me for everything. Basically saying that I was jealous of her boyfriend and treated him like shit for it. Again, not really the case, as I try to explain and I can tell I'm getting through to him a bit but they're a united front and she's cold as shit, especially after I basically threw her under the bus right back. Saying I couldn't for the life of me, get a break from her. Obviously she calls me a liar and they walk off. At that point, I'm sitting there thinking "there goes the two people I felt closest to in months" (her and my friend) it put me in a pretty bad state of mind. I ended up not wanting to be on campus so I just drove around thinking for a bit after leaving a message saying bye. They mistook it for a suicide note and I had to talk with the police. They end up pointing me to a diner after I told them I was hungry and left me alone. It's then that my two previous friends stop trying to message me and go quiet again. I end up deciding to go home and that was a bad choice. I was already in bad state of mind and that town just messes with me even more. That combined with everything pushed me to try to buy a shotgun.

But it cost $500 and that was all the money I had. So I bought a case of wine and drank faster than I could handle and passed out. I woke up in a hospital finding that I was nonresponsive for 45 minutes (or so they guessed) and that I had even flatlined for a minute or two. From my experience, there's nothing on the other side. It kind of took all the fear of dying from me as it wasn't so bad. I'm not in a mindset that encourages death but there's more of a comfort in the knowledge of death for me now. I was in the hospital with the first and worst hangover of my life for two days. I got moved to a mental care hospital which was more like prison. There was the constant threat of getting shanked and roommates acted like cellmates. If you pissed the wrong guy off your roommate would either clear out of the bedroom or acted as a bodyguard. I pissed the wrong guy off and started carrying around a hardcover book with me (entertainment + protection, I'll take it). I got a new roommate who looked like the homeless guy you'd find in the back of an abandoned hippie van but he was a pretty awesome body guard. I slept well.

The Return of the Prodigal Son

But I did end up having to talk the guy down when he was circling me like a shark. Remember that hard cover book? It was about conflict resolution when the other person's pissed. I ended up getting out of the hospital and was offered a full refund for a medical leave from school but I didn't want it. I wanted to go back and fix things. So I talked the dean into giving me a chance. I regret that.

When I got back, I found that my former friends just hated me even more and were still as impossible to communicate with. Thankfully I ended up meeting a new friend among my dormmates who is a mutual friend of me and my former bestfriend. So I found out that my former best friend was best friend wasn't hating me but just unsure about me or how to feel. I've run into him a few times, we never say anything. Every time it's a different look he gives me (sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes curious). I ended up working at the same place as him (it's best job in our area) so we run into each other a lot but I still haven't heard anything from him. I've tried reaching out a few times but never hear anything back.

The girl on the other hand, hated me with a death stare that'd burn through god himself. I've done my best to steer clear of her, but even when we bump into each other she just goes quiet and makes more of an effort to leave the area. I have however been meeting more women than any other time of my life with varying degrees of success, I haven't met anyone else who's gone very cold to me. Sometimes I just get busy and fall out of contact for a bit. Well actually, there is one girl, I met her not long after my return. We were hitting it off great, she's basically me. We were even wearing the same outfit when we met (that's a new one). I quickly found out she was the roommate of the girl who hates me. Yeah... well, I got her number anyway. It worked but after that night I never heard from her again. Just radio silent, now whenever I run into her she almost seems scared of me. I'm not sure what she was told but I get the feeling it's nothing good. This has been a repeating theme, I meet a girl and try to keep her out of the angry woman's sight but they always eventually meet and then they start acting differently.

Current Times

I still meet a fair share of women online but it's the girls on campus that I think would be best but they keep getting sabotaged. As of now, there's that feeling of dread in the air again and she's been hanging around my dorm hall a discomforting amount lately. I have this gut feeling somethings going on and I've learned to trust my gut... even when it's hungry. I'm hoping I can talk to one of the girls she's turned away but I'd need to run into them. I've also been considering just messaging the girl flat out about some rumors I've heard about me. I've heard from a friend of a friend that she said I pressured her to drink and there was some some other stuff but I didn't figure out what. I can take a pretty good guess though based on previous interactions. Maybe I can send her a message about how none of that stuff is true, how I can prove it from our text history, and that she needs to leave me alone. I'm not sure, I'm mulling over how I would word it right now. I want to talk to our mutual friend (that's my paper's editor) tomorrow, she's always been level headed and I've talked to her about this before. She handled it pretty well and turned out to be a friend but I also feel like it's important I be blunt about the fact that I'm just trying to be friends with her (my editor) as she's also in a relationship and I do not like her like that but we have similar interests and could be good friends (which I'm in short supply of), so I'll be doing that as well.

Other Stuff

In other news, I've been facing other familial loses to cancer lately and that's got me bummed out bad. Up until thanksgiving, I was starving and paying for one meal a day with quarters but thank god for left overs and overdue paychecks. I've been in and out of hospitals due to an unknown stomach illness so that bill's adding up. I'm considering taking a semester off for money but I'm not sure I think it's a good idea considering how being back home makes me feel. And I'm currently facing finals while on academic probation. My Ex has also been a godsend in just having someone supportive. But I've been meeting new girls still (I've got to go see one now) and have been finishing up a song... so taking the good with the bad.
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