Advice on Being Tested

[Nuncle]

All my adult life I have had an instinctive horror of making people feel bad or humiliating them, even if they deserve it and even if its just in a minor way (eg."get us a drink will you?" "I beg your pardon? Go get your own!")

Not sure exactly why, maybe out of regret at sometimes being cruel as a very young kid.

People therefore often wrongly see me as low status/low value whereas in fact I just have this instinctive impulse not to humiliate them.

Any ideas on how to overcome it?

Obviously it causes me a lot of problems when I am being tested.

(Also, sometimes, I just can't think of a response in the short time available!)

 

[Tyme2k]

It's hard to give advice here because the lack of detail. Each situation varies, so its hard to give a generic answer.

I think your first step will to practice being non reactive. When people test you it's sometimes best to pretend like the test never happened and you rethread to another topic or don't derail your previous topic.

For example I was tested on a day 2, we were talking about how long it's been since past relationships and how people get over their exes. During what I was saying she asks me how many people I've slept with since my last ex and just like the "Do you have a girlfriend" question this is a lose lose situation. I felt that any answer would be the wrong answer so the only right answer was no answer. Keeping up?

So what did I do? I slightly raised my voice and lowered my tone, I continued what I was saying perfectly clear and remained relaxed. I made the point I was after in the first place and never addressed the question. Later I did bring it up only to give a reason why she may have asked, but never leading into directly answering.

In your drink example, I would completely ignore the demand and maybe return to it later making it your idea, "hey let's go grab a drink." "let'sgo to the bar and get a drink together." Usually when I'm in set and I get a demand like this I move on, this is not the type of woman I want to interact with. Sometimes if it's an innocent demand like, "will you take a picture of us?" I will say I will but whats in it for me like, "Sure if you make out with me."

This is a part of my game I'm actively working on because something cbout me comes off as I'm a free photographer in the club.

Anyway, maybe something I said was useful. If not try elaborating on how people are testing you and maybe you will see some similarities in the situations.

 

[Nuncle]

Thanks yes that was useful.

I think not reacting to any challenge is a good way of deflating it, but you have to not react internally as well for this to be convincing.

The types of test I am talking about are, yes, trying to get me to do something or change course. Also put downs disguised as jokes, and difficult questions.

There is one girl I am dallying with at the moment whom I have previously told I am writing a book, and to whom I have strongly implied that I do not let people read my stuff until its finished.

She keeps asking me if I will show it to her and now I have kind of said yes I will. I think she is genuinely interested and wants to see it and that is her primary reason for asking. Also in her case there is no real harm in letting her see it.

Still, I can't help suspect she has lost some respect for me in that she has so easily induced me to abandon a principle. What I would have found difficult would be to turn round and say "Look, I don't let anyone read my stuff, OK! I told you that already I think". Not because I am scared of her reaction but because I would subconsciously view it as humiliating her. This would apply even if I was more jokey about it (which I am not very good at anyway).

 

[Tyme2k]

Don't show her, plain and simple. If this is your rule you must stick to it. Give her an alternative, come over and we can talk about it.. Then deep dive her, stay aloof and give her tidbits to keep her wondering. If she is genuinely intersted she will wait. I would also communicate that it's not because you're self concious of your writing and explain a legitimate reason for not showing anyone, like when I first write it I just vomit my thoughts down and it doesn't make sense.. Something like that.

And I will have to disagree with your nonreactive statement. At first you will not be able to control your internal reaction. The first thing you have to do is make it appear like you're not reacting. so here is an outline:

Shit test!
Internal reaction
realizing you have felt a reaction
Accepting what happened
outward display of non reactiveness

So basically when the test happens of course internally you will feel like wow wtf did they just say? Ok, it's ok, I just remain un affected and continue.

 

[Nuncle]

Thanks very much.

 

[Verisimilitude]

One other piece of advice would be not get into situations where you know you're gonna get tested. Obviously, you can't avoid all of them, but you can avoid about half of those. For example, this weekend I met a guy who I know doesn't like me. He tried to get my attention and tried to get me to acknowledge him. I just ignored him and kept doing what I was doing. Challenge avoided, dismissed, and done in a way that follows the law of least effort, w/o being too much of an asshole.