Advice on getting more comfortable with rejection?

[Aussiedude]

I know this is a question as old as time itself, but nonetheless I'm asking once again.

So yesterday I approached these two cute asian girls who were photographing themselves. I went up to them to say hello and tell one of the girl's she's looking quite cute. And my actual approach was solid, I could feel it in me I wasn't too hesitant or too afraid to say hello.

However she gave me the classic asian girl who doesn't speak english auto rejection. Where she waves her hand and says sorry no in a nrevous/friendly kind of way. Regardless if you're asking for the time or telling she looks nice she just says sorry no.

Getting auto rejected without even acknowledging what I've even said really fucks me off I guess.

And I've been taking the view that when I'm approaching, I'm looking for the girls who are open to meeting somebody and fairly reciprocal. So it comes down to me just finding these girls. And being fine with the ones who aren't interested.

But getting rejected out in public like that makes me somewhat uncomfortable and a bit demoralizing. And I know that rejection is the air you breathe when it comes to approaching, you can't get away from it.

Not sure if anybody might have advice on getting more comfortable being rejected. Although I guess the real answer is simply more rejections.

And I'm trying to internalize the view that I'm finding the girls who are both cool & reciprocal, (attractive is a prerequisite) so when a chick isn't interested or doesn't want to talk that's great. I can move on to the next one.

But still public rejections certainly give me a great deal of discomfort.

Any advice would be great.

 

[Skills]

So I know this is a question as old as time itself, but nonetheless I'm asking once again.

So yesterday I approached these two cute asian girls who were photographing themselves. I went up to them to say hello and tell one of the girl's she's looking quite cute. And my actual approach was solid, I could feel it in me I wasn't too hesitant or too afraid to say hello.

However she gave me the classic asian girl who doesn't speak english auto rejection. Where she waves her hand and says sorry no in a nrevous/friendly kind of way. Regardless if you're asking for the time or telling she looks nice she just says sorry no.

Getting auto rejected without even acknowledging what I've even said really fucks me off I guess.

And I've been taking the view that when I'm approaching, I'm looking for the girls who are open to meeting somebody and fairly reciprocal. So it comes down to me just finding these girls. And being fine with the ones who aren't interested.

But getting rejected out in public like that makes me somewhat uncomfortable and a bit demoralizing. And I know that rejection is the air you breathe when it comes to approaching, you can't get away from it.

Not sure if anybody might have advice on getting more comfortable being rejected. Although I guess the real answer is simply more rejections.

And I'm trying to internalize the view that I'm finding the girls who are both cool & reciprocal, (attractive is a prerequisite) so when a chick isn't interested or doesn't want to talk that's great. I can move on to the next one.

But still public rejections certainly give me a great deal of discomfort.

Any advice would be great.

Well get more successes is the answer, but yes, noone enjoys rejections.... I think also you reading better signals and body language helps a lot... When you are socially savy you should not be getting "blown out" or close to blow outs.... Blown outs give really discomfort that nobody enjoys ever, and never will change no matter what... you also open incorrectly complimenting on looks, in that situation a more indirect approach that looks for a reaction prior to the actual approach would have worked.... Asian women are very shy and reserved as well, so you got a be more subtle than that as well... (how do you know they actually were not tourist that did not speak much english??)

 

[KnownUniverse]

try and be more intriguing. at the end of the day: Give someone a generic open they will give you a generic response.

 

[Chase]

@Aussiedude,

I know this is a question as old as time itself, but nonetheless I'm asking once again.

So yesterday I approached these two cute asian girls who were photographing themselves. I went up to them to say hello and tell one of the girl's she's looking quite cute. And my actual approach was solid, I could feel it in me I wasn't too hesitant or too afraid to say hello.

However she gave me the classic asian girl who doesn't speak english auto rejection. Where she waves her hand and says sorry no in a nrevous/friendly kind of way. Regardless if you're asking for the time or telling she looks nice she just says sorry no.

Getting auto rejected without even acknowledging what I've even said really fucks me off I guess.

What helps is devising exits that allow you to save face and look socially graceful on the way out.

e.g., with a girl waving you off smiling saying "Sorry no English!" you need to be able to have that warm "faux hurt" smile and say (in the "Daddy talking to a little girl" voice), "No? No English? No understand me? Awww!" and give a smiley frown face like you're so sad. Maybe put your hand over your heart like you're wounded. Then wave goodbye and tell her "Bye bye!" and make your exit. She'll almost certainly be smiling and waving back to you as you leave.

You will have led the interaction even through the ending, and will not feel bad at all.

(alternately, can use hand gestures + super simple English + a translation app if you want to persist. e.g., point at clothes: "Your clothes. Very beautiful! Where are you from?")

Chase

 

[Orchard]

Getting auto rejected without even acknowledging what I've even said really fucks me off I guess.

I like all the above advice. I'd also suggest that you yourself will auto-reject someone if they come up to you and you don't want to talk to them. Knowing that you would do it to someone could help take the sting off when someone does it to you. Meaning you shouldn't place the approach or the person on a pedestal. You also should not assume everyone spotlights you when it happens.

If you can assume that everyone is in their own world, and that the person who rejects you is just a normal person like you then it will make it easier to flow through rejection.

Also a story -

Watching hot girls get rejected opened my eyes.

OMG this makes me remember this one time. I'm out with my cousin and her friend; both of them very hot and dumb. They were out in NYC with me and went to try to get into a private party. The way they were dressed they were Hot 9's but not Hot model Rich 10's. ANyway, doorman rejects them/us for whatever reason. Also some other guys standing outside ignored them also when they tried to get in.

I watched them just go "Oh ok lets go do that!" and moved on from the rejection like it wasn't anything. As if the rejection was just a normal thing to happen when they weren't prepared in their 10 hot model rich girl clothes; or that they were just like "Yeah keep trying" their own game.


So yeah man - dont take it personally.

 

[MrVariety]

I was lucky enough to learn this the very first night I went out.

I had been approaching girls and getting rejected, and then I approached the same two girls again without recognizing them at first, and ended up making out with one of them.

Why?

Girls mood's change by the minute. It's influenced by their menstrual cycle, the moon, their family situation, the health of their dog, their relationship status, their level of intoxication, context in which you're meeting her, whatever random feels flowing through her right now, it's a hundred thousand random factors you have no control over and as you start to understand this, it would be absurd to take rejection personally.

I have had it when I got blown off by a girl only to meet her by chance at a party a year later--- where she didn't recognize me, and started giving me lap dances and was full-on me, fighting for my attention while I was talking to other girls at the party. When you're approaching her as a stranger, not in a pre-qualified environment she's naturally going to be a bit more defensive, so again, you can't take everything personally-- she's not rejecting YOU but a random guy in the street. Additionally, not even the smoothest of casanovas can make it work with every girl. Some people click, some people don't, where there are people who are more generally attractive than others, there's no hard-defined one ranking system. Exactly why it might be a mystery-- but some people just aren't compatible.

Mr Variety

 

[Zac]

@Aussiedude,

I've read that some dude that goes by 'Rasputin' or 'Steve P' said he got over it by not showering or shaving for a month, wearing a dress, hockey mask and a dildo strapped to his forehead...

Needless to say, I don't think this is the response you want hahaha

You can probably see that the underlying tone he meant is that you need to be so comfortable in your own skin that getting rejected by a girl doesn't hurt your ego; if you're in public doing something as humbling as this dude is, everyone around him is predisposed to think of him as him as a general creep, moron, unsuccessful douche, though he alone knows that this is just the ruse of the experiment and that he isn't any of those things; he's just playing around with people's mental value system!

I concede, saying rejection anxiety is cured by not caring about what others think can sound kind of cyclic; let's think about how to break that cycle! from my very little knowledge of game, part of the battle is psychological economics; convincing a girl that you're of value. When a set fails, one can translate that in their heads to the following:

- I don't have value
- They couldn't see my value

To break this cycle, you'd want to find a way to anchor your mindset to jump to the second point.

1) I give you an honest ego boost
I've seen you post; you've got wit, you're one of the younger guys on this forum like me, the world's your oyster! You're seeking girls that you feel project that "cool and reciprocal" trait that you see in yourself, and I get how if you see someone with those traits reject you, you may feel estranged from said traits. You know yourself and you define yourself by your actions; don't let yourself chalk it up to not being in the "cool club". I'm not sure if this is what you meant, so forgive me if not.

2) A wing?
Approaching with a wing could be a good way to push this second point? A secondary function of a wing could be being there with you in the moment and be an instant source of encouragement and get rid of that 'demoralizing' factor as you so eloquently put it. If you really want to feel comfortable being you, I'm down for approaches around Sydney; if we get rejected we can laugh it off and remind ourselves we're not in the game for validation, but to develop skills or whatever your primary motive is (and you can feel better knowing that you're not the hot mess that I am haha). That said

3) You said it yourself; more rejections
I guess having a wing can help cope, but even if your alone (especially when you're alone; I guess when it's harder you grow more) if you habituate yourself with it, you are mentally prepared.

Although I guess the real answer is simply more rejections. you've hit the nail on the head.

You've hit the nail on the head!

4) Realizing the reality
Side note; I'm probably telling you tonnes of things you already know, but if by chance this post has a scintilla of an effect, it's worth it. Women are just people; there's plenty more like the one you've just met and there are plenty more out there that you'd be able to game successfully. I liked the post from @Orchard; even conventionally attractive girls get rejected! Also I like his point that nobody is spotlighting and shaming you for getting rejected; people are too busy with themselves to even consider that.

Acknowledging Chase the GOAT, it is of course important to have that graceful exit, because firstly we're gentlemen, and secondly we want to leave without damaging our social proo- bro honestly you'd know this better than I do haha

Though I'm by no means experienced in game, I am a familiar friend of rejection and I feel I'm starting to build a tolerance myself; hopefully this post isn't a complete waffle (just a partial one haha)

All the best man,

Zac

PS
As mentioned by Skill, the girl could have even been inexplicably shy! So rejection might not even reflect on you at all! All the more reason for us to rationalize the idea of emotionally dismissing it.

 

[Aussiedude]

D

Well get more successes is the answer, but yes, noone enjoys rejections.... I think also you reading better signals and body language helps a lot... When you are socially savy you should not be getting "blown out" or close to blow outs.... Blown outs give really discomfort that nobody enjoys ever, and never will change no matter what... you also open incorrectly complimenting on looks, in that situation a more indirect approach that looks for a reaction prior to the actual approach would have worked.... Asian women are very shy and reserved as well, so you got a be more subtle than that as well... (how do you know they actually were not tourist that did not speak much english??)

Definitely agree, I think my initial approach could of been better in hindsight. When I have a blow out it's usually because my approach wasn't particularly good. Although opening with complementing an Asian girls looks has worked well for me quite often. I might of rushed that one tbh so she gave a bit of an automatic response.

 

[Aussiedude]

@Aussiedude,

I've read that some dude that goes by 'Rasputin' or 'Steve P' said he got over it by not showering or shaving for a month, wearing a dress, hockey mask and a dildo strapped to his forehead...

Needless to say, I don't think this is the response you want hahaha

You can probably see that the underlying tone he meant is that you need to be so comfortable in your own skin that getting rejected by a girl doesn't hurt your ego; if you're in public doing something as humbling as this dude is, everyone around him is predisposed to think of him as him as a general creep, moron, unsuccessful douche, though he alone knows that this is just the ruse of the experiment and that he isn't any of those things; he's just playing around with people's mental value system!

I concede, saying rejection anxiety is cured by not caring about what others think can sound kind of cyclic; let's think about how to break that cycle! from my very little knowledge of game, part of the battle is psychological economics; convincing a girl that you're of value. When a set fails, one can translate that in their heads to the following:

- I don't have value
- They couldn't see my value

To break this cycle, you'd want to find a way to anchor your mindset to jump to the second point.

1) I give you an honest ego boost
I've seen you post; you've got wit, you're one of the younger guys on this forum like me, the world's your oyster! You're seeking girls that you feel project that "cool and reciprocal" trait that you see in yourself, and I get how if you see someone with those traits reject you, you may feel estranged from said traits. You know yourself and you define yourself by your actions; don't let yourself chalk it up to not being in the "cool club". I'm not sure if this is what you meant, so forgive me if not.

2) A wing?
Approaching with a wing could be a good way to push this second point? A secondary function of a wing could be being there with you in the moment and be an instant source of encouragement and get rid of that 'demoralizing' factor as you so eloquently put it. If you really want to feel comfortable being you, I'm down for approaches around Sydney; if we get rejected we can laugh it off and remind ourselves we're not in the game for validation, but to develop skills or whatever your primary motive is (and you can feel better knowing that you're not the hot mess that I am haha). That said

3) You said it yourself; more rejections
I guess having a wing can help cope, but even if your alone (especially when you're alone; I guess when it's harder you grow more) if you habituate yourself with it, you are mentally prepared.

You've hit the nail on the head!

4) Realizing the reality
Side note; I'm probably telling you tonnes of things you already know, but if by chance this post has a scintilla of an effect, it's worth it. Women are just people; there's plenty more like the one you've just met and there are plenty more out there that you'd be able to game successfully. I liked the post from @Orchard; even conventionally attractive girls get rejected! Also I like his point that nobody is spotlighting and shaming you for getting rejected; people are too busy with themselves to even consider that.

Acknowledging Chase the GOAT, it is of course important to have that graceful exit, because firstly we're gentlemen, and secondly we want to leave without damaging our social proo- bro honestly you'd know this better than I do haha

Though I'm by no means experienced in game, I am a familiar friend of rejection and I feel I'm starting to build a tolerance myself; hopefully this post isn't a complete waffle (just a partial one haha)

All the best man,

Zac

PS
As mentioned by Skill, the girl could have even been inexplicably shy! So rejection might not even reflect on you at all! All the more reason for us to rationalize the idea of emotionally dismissing it.

Well actually it's funny because after I approach any girl, regardless if it's a good or bad interaction. I always look around to see what other people are doing. And not once have I actually seen anybody take notice of me or the interaction with the girl i just approached.

Because when I get rejected I'm more concerned if anybody noticed or is thinking like, look at this weirdo. When in reality nobody is paying much attention.

What you said about that Rasputin and Steve P is sort of what I've been practicing and its helping heaps actually. I'm not strapping a dildo to my head lol. Rather I'm just working on accepting somebody might take notice of me and that's ok, somebody might think I'm some creepy weirdo and that's ok.

it's like if you can't accept the possibility of somebody judging you or thinking badly about you. You're always afraid of what 'could' happen.

I used to have a bad case of the spotlight affect, but now that I'm more comfortable with the possibility of being judged its hardly there.

And that's kind of what the dildo on the head is trying to achieve lol. Teaching you to accept whatever people think or judge. Peoples opinions aren't actually anything to be afraid of. You can literally walk around with a dildo strapped to your head and no one is going to do shit.

So getting more comfortable with the possibility of being judged. Has actually made things way easier. And I think the more I internalize that, the less rejection will sting.

 

[Will_V]

I know this is a question as old as time itself, but nonetheless I'm asking once again.

So yesterday I approached these two cute asian girls who were photographing themselves. I went up to them to say hello and tell one of the girl's she's looking quite cute. And my actual approach was solid, I could feel it in me I wasn't too hesitant or too afraid to say hello.

However she gave me the classic asian girl who doesn't speak english auto rejection. Where she waves her hand and says sorry no in a nrevous/friendly kind of way. Regardless if you're asking for the time or telling she looks nice she just says sorry no.

Getting auto rejected without even acknowledging what I've even said really fucks me off I guess.

And I've been taking the view that when I'm approaching, I'm looking for the girls who are open to meeting somebody and fairly reciprocal. So it comes down to me just finding these girls. And being fine with the ones who aren't interested.

But getting rejected out in public like that makes me somewhat uncomfortable and a bit demoralizing. And I know that rejection is the air you breathe when it comes to approaching, you can't get away from it.

Not sure if anybody might have advice on getting more comfortable being rejected. Although I guess the real answer is simply more rejections.

And I'm trying to internalize the view that I'm finding the girls who are both cool & reciprocal, (attractive is a prerequisite) so when a chick isn't interested or doesn't want to talk that's great. I can move on to the next one.

But still public rejections certainly give me a great deal of discomfort.

Any advice would be great.

Basically what Chase said, it's good to respond to a blow out in a way that you yourself find amusing or funny, that way it stings less and you don't end up with a negative feeling.

I also take rejections as an opportunity to absorb the tension and reinforce my internal frame, I sort of transform the anxiety into a sense of elation and let it run through my system without trying to stop it. It's like a psychological wind that hisses and snaps around you, but can't actually do anything to you unless you tense yourself against it.

Although opening with complementing an Asian girls looks has worked well for me quite often.

I find the same thing, but they can also be the most dismissive. A lot of these girls seem to lead a sort of shuttered life where they put up a barrier whenever they go out in public, and it's a bit rude but it's the only way they know how to handle themselves. In general with asian girls I've found you have to be more tolerant of things that seem rude or cold but sometimes are just protective measures. More than once I've thought my chances were dead only to have her back at mine in short order.

 

[Atlas IV]

There's one thing I do sometimes that might sound silly, but it works.

Let's say I'm about to approach an exceptionally attractive girl and she's with a friend. That's the sort of situation that often makes me nervous, because if she rejects me it's likely to sting more than usual.

As I'm about to make the approach, I take a deep breath and say to myself "I forgive you if this approach doesn't go well".

That way, whether the approach goes well or not, it doesn't matter. I have accepted the outcome in advance, and I'm okay with it.

Don't remember where I learned this from - maybe it was something Tom Torero said on one of his podcast episodes. For some reason it's stuck with me, and I find it really effective.

We have the tendency to beat ourselves up over approaches that went bad, and by forgiving yourself in advance, you can preemptively dispel that negativity.

 

[James D]

I say to myself "At least you showed up and did the best you could at that particular moment. 99.99 % of men would have pussied out in this exact same situation but you showed up, despite the odds."

Rejection is always gonna suck. Some days more, some days less.

And no matter how good you get, rejection never totally goes away.

I've made my peace with it by realising that this is a game of courage where very few men dare step up.

It may not go well but at least I'm trying to get closer to my goal.

On a higher level, once you've gotten some exposure in, you get a better understanding of the market and that understanding in itself makes you take it easy on rejection.

The majority of the girls you approach won't be single. Of the small percentage that are, not all are in the headspace for something to happen.

So many variables.

It's not an excuse not to approach. But it's good to understand the landscape and keep adjusting the variables you can control until you hit your goals, without taking it too personally.

Remember that she doesn't reject "you".

She doesn't know you.

She rejects whatever her perception of you is in that moment, which is influenced by how you present yourself and approach but also by her current life situation and headspace.

 

[MrVariety]

So getting more comfortable with the possibility of being judged. Has actually made things way easier. And I think the more I internalize that, the less rejection will sting.

I believe the reason why we are afraid of what other people think of us more than the girl we're approaching is not simply because we're afraid of being judged. Hell, shouldn't the GIRL's judgement take up all our preoccupation?

I don't think what's at the core is fear of judgement, but something something more psychologically primal. You have become less fearful of a woman's response because she's in a psychologically safe category in your mind from all the exposure, but not the other category of "other people."

The "other people," psychologically speaking, is in the category of the unknown, the primordial soup of potential, chaos, nature, because you haven't faced them head-on, directly, like you have with the woman you're speaking to. So since you have not "confronted" them, they exist as a source of constant anxiety.

The remedy is after you've approached a girl, whether it succeeded or you got rejected, talk to the people around you that must've witnessed it, and ideally talk about the approach to them. You can even ask them what their opinion is about what you did or self-deprecate yourself if you got rejected. It doesn't really matter what their response is, whether they applaud your or tell to your face that you're a bad person, what matters is that you convert that psychological category from unknown to known, so you won't be anxious.

Btw, I believe that even if everyone goes full retard and say "approaching women without consent is terrible, you're a creep" it's still better knowing what they think in terms of anxiety vs. not knowing. It's the same with approaching women, your approach anxiety goes down even if you get rejected a lot.

From my experience though, people are entirely supportive. I talked to a girl at a bus stop, she rejected me, jumped on a bus, and then I turned and talked to a guy beside me about it, and he said it was awesome and complimented my courage. Another example, I talked to a girl and it didn't go well, there were four girls sitting on the curb in front of it, I went up and said hi and they were discussing among themselves whether I knew her or I was random. Apparently they did care about what I was doing, but we had lots of laughs together eventually and it was totally cool.

Mr Variety

 

[OldGuy]

1. in your specific case, she may not be comfortable speaking English.
2. You can try opening the less attractive woman, if she is reasonably attractive. Usually, the more attractive one is try to take over. If not, settle for second best.

 

[Orchard]

As I'm about to make the approach, I take a deep breath and say to myself "I forgive you if this approach doesn't go well".

LOVELY

 

[Arnav]

@Aussiedude,



What helps is devising exits that allow you to save face and look socially graceful on the way out.

e.g., with a girl waving you off smiling saying "Sorry no English!" you need to be able to have that warm "faux hurt" smile and say (in the "Daddy talking to a little girl" voice), "No? No English? No understand me? Awww!" and give a smiley frown face like you're so sad. Maybe put your hand over your heart like you're wounded. Then wave goodbye and tell her "Bye bye!" and make your exit. She'll almost certainly be smiling and waving back to you as you leave.

You will have led the interaction even through the ending, and will not feel bad at all.

(alternately, can use hand gestures + super simple English + a translation app if you want to persist. e.g., point at clothes: "Your clothes. Very beautiful! Where are you from?")

Chase

What causes these blowouts? I am having the same trouble.
Whats puzzling is with the same fundamentals and opener, I would have 7 give me an angry rejection, and within the same week a stunner light up with a beaming smile to my approach.

 

[Chase]

@Arnav,

What causes these blowouts? I am having the same trouble.
Whats puzzling is with the same fundamentals and opener, I would have 7 give me an angry rejection, and within the same week a stunner light up with a beaming smile to my approach.

There will always be random variation, with different girls reacting differently to you with some degree of randomness as to why.

However, if it is a consistent pattern of "hotter girls are nicer, less hot girls are colder", then the case is that you are coming in in a way that is attainable to more attractive women, but unattainable to less attractive ones / they feel like you aren't "serious".

Chase

 

[gameboy]

A rejection is a win! Because you went for what you want.

Not approaching a girl you think you would like, is a loss

 

[Will_V]

What causes these blowouts? I am having the same trouble.
Whats puzzling is with the same fundamentals and opener, I would have 7 give me an angry rejection, and within the same week a stunner light up with a beaming smile to my approach.

Another thing I've found is that the more you deviate from the status quo of what's attractive, the more frequent harsh rejections you'll get from average women. Average women are in some sense 'socially poor' and tend to be angling for a man who makes them look good to everyone else and elevates them in the social hierarchy, whereas really beautiful women are often curious about things that are more outside of the norm, because they can afford to do so - they already have social status, validation, and 20 perfectly acceptable prospects lined up.

So when you approach an average woman as a somewhat more eccentric dude, she tends to see your eccentricity as social poverty and judges you, whereas a hot girl might see it as exceptionality (depending on the rest of your fundamentals).

This goes not just for the way you dress but also your attitude and the way you express yourself.

It's one of the reasons why I never try to follow the typical stereotypes of attractive males very closely, because I'm looking for a woman who can afford to go on an adventure, not one who is looking for social security.

 

[gameboy]

Another thing I've found is that the more you deviate from the status quo of what's attractive, the more frequent harsh rejections you'll get from average women. Average women are in some sense 'socially poor' and tend to be angling for a man who makes them look good to everyone else and elevates them in the social hierarchy, whereas really beautiful women are often curious about things that are more outside of the norm, because they can afford to do so - they already have social status, validation, and 20 perfectly acceptable prospects lined up.

So when you approach an average woman as a somewhat more eccentric dude, she tends to see your eccentricity as social poverty and judges you, whereas a hot girl might see it as exceptionality (depending on the rest of your fundamentals).

This goes not just for the way you dress but also your attitude and the way you express yourself.

It's one of the reasons why I never try to follow the typical stereotypes of attractive males very closely, because I'm looking for a woman who can afford to go on an adventure, not one who is looking for social security.

I'm having a similar experience.

When I dress more edgy, the more "conservative" girls will mostly ignore me or even look a bit wary, while with the "cooler" chicks it seems to give me an advantge.

When I dress more conservative, then receptions will be warmer on average, but I'm kind of invisible to the really hot girls.