Affair slowly dwindles, but now she's getting a divorce

[Youngberg97]

I met this girl in February of 2013. We hit it off really well, but she was married. We hooked up anyway, as we were just drawn to one another in a way that seemed way out of control, like we both just couldn't help it, and she fell madly in love with me.

We would see each other about once per week for the next year and a half (until July 2014). She wrote me love letters, dropped gift baskets off at my home while I was at work, bought expensive front row, center stage concert tickets for my favorite musicians, and so on and so forth. I of course reciprocated, doing all sorts of nice things for her as well. The sex was fantastic. She was addicted to it (the sex), and so was I. The emotional connection we had was amazing.

Things got pretty heavy, and she was considering breaking it off with her husband and getting a divorce. I did not push for this, because I wanted it to be her decision. Anyway, at one point (around July 2014) we had just went to a concert together and her husband had went through her phone and found out about the affair. He begged her not to leave and to stay and work things out. So we started seeing less of one another. They both come from very religious backgrounds, where if you are caught doing something like having an affair, you basically get disfellowshipped from the church and your family members are not allowed to associate with you anymore. So there was that. And, they have a young child together. But she has never been happy in her marriage, because it was arranged via their religion, et cetera.

So anyway, the past year or so we've only seen each other maybe once every couple months or so when she can figure out a good way to see me without him asking too many questions. And it's crazy, when we did get together, it was still just as amazing as it ever was. It was just this crazy cycle. Get together, have amazing sex and reconnect >>> Slowly become more distant with each other over the next month or so >>> Miss each other, one of us would get in contact, we'd make plans >>> then back to the amazing sex and reconnecting. This went on for a while, about a year.

Recently, I'd asked her to see me, and she agreed, and said she would work on it. But then I hadn't heard back in a couple weeks, so I decided to follow up with her the other day:

Me- "Hey... I miss you..."
Her- " I miss you too"
Me- "Looked like you had a fun weekend "
Her- "Yeah it was a good time! How was your weekend?"
Me- "It was tip top haha got way too much sun I think!"
Her- "Haha ouch!"
Her- "No sunburn and no hangover for me...perhaps I should have tried harder!"
Me- "Haha didn't bring your A game!! "
Her- "I was out all day and night with friends! Lol I tried, Youngberg, I really tried!! "
Me- "Oh damn!! A game comment rescinded!!"
Me- "Hope we can get together soon. No rush/pressure! I know it's hard. Just thinking out loud "
Her- "Lol thank you "
Her- "Yeah I got a bit goin on right now. He and I are separating. He's moving in with his parents this weekend. It's for the best. I'm just trying to figure things out. Big change!"
Me- "Oh fuck. Please be completely honest with me here. Did I cause this?"
Her- "No no no no no no no!"
Her- "I want this. ME. He doesn't. But I'm tired of pretending to be happy and trying to make this work for everyone else. It just makes more sense for him to go because I take care of the home and our child. And well, frankly, I don't have family that will take me in.
Her- "I haven't been happy in a very long time. If at all, sad to say. 15 years is already too long to be with someone you never felt right with."
Her- "Not many know. Well, just **her best friend** knows and I just told her. Her and I had that boat trip planned since beginning of summer so we went ahead with it with him and everything. Didn't want to make the others feel awkward."
Me- "I know you haven't been happy. Its just that I have always ever wanted and hoped to add to your life in nothing but a positive way. So I didn't want to be the root of it, regardless."
Her- "Nope never! If nothing else, you helped me see that what I've had wasn't how it should be. You've been nothing but positive in my life!"
Me- "Ok good, I'm glad. I kinda freaked the fuck out just now."
Me- "So something else I want you to be honest with me about. Do you kinda think things with us have ran their course? I mean I'm not retarded and don't expect you to come sprinting into my arms while all this is going on, just surprised you wouldn't wanna see me."
Her- "Eek I'm so sorry about that! Didn't mean to just drop it all on ya!" (gritting teeth emoji)
Her- "I got distant last summer when he found out about us. It made me realize that I wasn't being fair to anyone in the situation. I was actually ready to leave then, but as before, he begged and convinced me otherwise. I tried to make it work, still having feelings for you, but tried to suppress them. I'm really sorry for my distance! I just needed to figure everything out. Still not there yet but this summer has been kind of "last straw" type of shit for him and I. So my focus has been on what to do about it. Also realized that I'm tired of trying to please all of the stupid church people and my parents and everyone. I'm not happy, and I can't live like this, and so I have to do something about it for me."
Her- "Lets have wine and dinner soon and I can spew more out atcha! "
Me- "I understood the distance. I wanted to just take you. But I needed things to be fair for you as well. I needed it to be your decision to make, not me pushing or anything. I decided I had to just hang in there."
Me- "Wine and dinner with you sounds a-fuckin-mazin. Until then, if you need anything let me know. I'm not just here for the wine and dinner. I'm here no matter what. "
Her- " Thank you so much!! The love and support are needed and appreciated!"
Me- "Any fuckin time!! "


Seems she just needs some time to get all of this behind her. But, I'm wondering why she would continue to be distant if they are separating. Is that really a thing that girls do? They take time for themselves to figure things out? I know as a man, when I got divorced, I was ready to get right back out there. There was no crap like "I got to work on me!" and stuff like that. (which she hasn't used that phrase at all, but generally this seems like what I am getting). I guess what I'm asking is this: Should I take this at face value, and just wait it out and let her get her shit handled? Or is this a smokescreen where the girl is probably just looking forward to being single again, but knows I have feelings for her, so she's trying to let me down slowly and easily? I just don't understand why she'd continue to be distant if she saw this breakup/divorce on the horizon.

I just feel like from her mindset: why wait? why risk losing me when she can finally have me? What are the dynamics going on here, and what should I do in order for this to play out in the best way possible?


YB

 

[Drck]

IMO, assuming that you want her, you did and are doing the right thing, I don't see any flaws. She's distancing from her hubby, taking some time, and based on the text she is quite interested in you. Keep doing the same, show her that you want her, and at the same time don't become too needy... Just draw her in... IMO she'll eventually come to you, just show some patience...

 

[Youngberg97]

Drck,

Ok, thank you. Lately it has seemed like if I didn't text her first, we just would not talk at all. And I have been giving her the opportunity to contact me, being that I'm only texting her about once per week now. Like she said, she's been very distant, especially the last month or so. I thought the same thing that you did, that she seemed pretty genuine about wanting to meet up in her message. I have just been worried because I know that (for me at least) the only reason I don't text certain people is because I don't want to talk to them haha. I can't think of any other reason than that, as a man. I don't become distant from close friends when trouble arises, so I guess I don't understand that one. If anything, I look to them even more, you know, for some laughter and fun to cheer me up.

Thank you for the advice on how to move forward, showing her I want her, but not doing too much all at one time, and showing patience. Thanks!


YB

 

[Drck]

Getting divorced is quite emotional issue, the whole family is involved, friends from both sides are involved, people from church are involved... She is most likely raised as a 'good girl', honest, faitful, from good family background... And that's how people perceive her. Can she get divorced - and find another guy right away? Can she leave one guy for another and risk having bad image? It might be a significant factor...

So she may be quite careful with her image, she may want things to cool off before she's seen with another guy... It is different if she finds another guy right away, or after couple of months...

Another thing, she was probably thinking about the divorce for longer time. But now it's become reality, she is divorcing, she has little child, no family to take her in... So she pulled back little bit and maybe thinking what's next, she doesn't want to seem too needy: "Hey, I'm divorcing finally, take me in" ...

Well, there is really nothing to analyze, she wrote it pretty much all herself, there is no point to rewriting it, LOL. IMO she seems pretty honest. Maybe she's waiting if you really like her, and how much you like her... So you probably want to take a lead, show her that there is a future with you, without pushing too much.... And she is inviting for dinner and wine, that's good, I would go with that... Stay positive and avoid any drama, but you already know that...

Good Luck

 

[Youngberg97]

Yes I am perhaps way over analyzing.

We did not set a date for dinner and wine. But I should wait for that, at least a week or more before trying again there. Let him get his stuff out this weekend, and let her settle in for a few to several days to adjust.

I have not contacted her since Tuesday. Thought about sending her a short note tomorrow afternoon, just something like "Sending you lots of love and good vibes!" just to acknowledge that she is about to go through with it and I wish her well with everything. Lots of stress for her this weekend, so leave it at that and then maybe middle of next week I can text and inquire about an evening for dinner.

There I go over thinking it all again Just need to do what feels right/natural for the situation. I don't want to send too much communication yet also don't want to send too little. Maybe she will contact me in the interim, but I doubt it.

This is all gonna be on me to move it forward it appears.

Again, thank you so much for the advice and encouragement!

YB

 

[Youngberg97]

It's been 5 days and I still haven't heard a peep from her, since that last text exchange that I posted above.

Could you guys help me construct a good text message to send to her? I plan to text her Tuesday. Should I ask about him moving out at all? Or just tell her I hope things are going ok for her? Do I ask about her offer of wine and dinner this soon?

Thanks in advance


YB

 

[Youngberg97]

I still have not heard anything from her. Even given how warm she was in the last text exchange, it is still worrisome that she has not said anything to me. Not hi, fuck off, or hey I'm alive, nothing.

I think tomorrow afternoon I am going to just send something short letting her know that I am thinking about her. How does this sound?

"Thinking about you. Hope you and the boy are coping well."

Her response could be just "We are, thank you!" or a huge, sprawling text that I sometimes get. Whatever her response, should I then ask about wine and dinner? Like this?

"Hoping I can take you up on the offer for wine/dinner soon! No rush. Whenever you are ready for it. "


YB

 

[Drck]

Damn, I hate those no responses, everything is working out perfectly, and then boom, she goes silent... Did she text you back yet?

"Her response could be just "We are, thank you!" or a huge, sprawling text that I sometimes get"
>>>> I wouldn't try to predict what and how she will respond (if at all), and I wouldn't try to design a 'smart text'. It usually doesn't work, you are getting too entangled, too much emotionally involved, you are trying to outsmart yourself... Don't read into it, let her answer 'open', whatever it may be... otherwise you may easily jump into incorrect conclusion. Just keep being genuine, if she really likes you it doesn't really matter what you text...

"Hoping I can take you up on the offer for wine/dinner soon! No rush. Whenever you are ready for it. "
>>>> I would personally chose different text (it is too much permission asking for my taste, you are giving her too much power), but you do have different personality than me, and apparently what you were doing before is/was working. So, I'm not gonna suggest different text, just do what you were doing before, don't try to change it at this time. If you really think you should contact her, IMO better way is to call and leave message than texting (since you already texted and she didn't reply). I would wait at minimum 5 days from last message. Make it 7-10 to be safe...

Once I was going out with girl, everything was going well. She texted back immediatelly, good responses, good vibes, she was investing... So we go out for breakfast, nice conversations, good vibes again. I get home, I'm thinking, should I text her? No, I have to wait 3-5 days, I am saying to myself. Second day, I broke the rule. I was thinking, what can go wrong if there are good responses and good vibes? So I call her and leave a message. Boom. Half an hour later, her friend sends me a message: I blew it. I was too inpatient... Had I only waited 2-3 more days... It is weird, but it is what it is, can't show impatience...

----------


Remember, she is dealing with many emotions and stress now. She is splitting with her husband after many years of living together, he may beg her to come back like before... She came back once before, we don't know what is happening this time... There is family, close friends and other people involved, they talk to her, she gets different perspective, ideas,... So you don't want to cause any drama...

So, personally, I would give her some space, I wouldn't be pushing too much at this time, it might be just too much stress on her - unless she show some interest in you like before, e.g. she wants to see you, have dinner and so on. Push forward once you see her again, face to face. I would want to show an interest (which you did) and support, but at the same time you don't want to be perceived as a hungry wolf...

1. Patience
2. Patience
3. Patience
4. Don't worry, if it is ment to work out between you two, it will work out

She knows you texted her, she knows that you are interested, that you want to see her, be with her... She is not stupid. All she might be doing is simply testing your patience... So show her that you have plenty....

 

[Youngberg97]

Damn, I hate those no responses, everything is working out perfectly, and then boom, she goes silent... Did she text you back yet?

I may have misconstrued my posts. I have not sent her any text message just yet. The last time that I talked to her was last Tuesday when she offered wine/dinner. I've known this girl for over 2.5 years, and she's never blew off a text message. Whatever I do end up sending to her, she will definitely respond to it in some way, I know this for 100 percent sure.

I will send her a text message tomorrow and see how she responds,probably something simple as I mentioned (i.e., "Hey, just thinking about you. Hope you and the boy are coping well."). Then however she responds to me, I may then tell her something like: "I will take you up on the wine/dinner at a later time once your mind is in the right place for it", which is less permission asking and displays patience and the ability to give her the space she needs (great points on all of these things by the way!).


YB

 

[Drck]

Oh, got it. Nevermind then. I wouldn't over-think it, simply text her, have some little talk like before, and invite her out. Take the lead, don't wait for her to offer again.

Added: IMO she is waiting for your lead, that's why she is waiting till you contact her first, and then she is responding positively, even offering dinner & wine... It's been a week, it's safe to text even today...

 

[Youngberg97]

Texted this morning at 9:22 am

Me: Heya.. Been thinking of you. Hope all's well. Sending lots of love and positive vibes!

Her (5 hours later): Hi! Thank you so much! Can always use those!

Reads sort of like "thanks now fuck off" to me... But anyway, I'm going to wait until about 5:45 tonight after we're both off work and send her this: "Would like to take you up on the offer for wine/dinner. When are you free?"

Sound like exactly what I need to do at this point? Just find out?


YB

 

[Drck]

Believe yoursel, trust yourself. You did overall quite a good job, so I would just keep doing what you are doing.

Personally I wouldn't read "thanks now fuck off". That is how Debbie Downer reads. Here we read: "Can always use love and positive vibes!" - so why not give those to her? Give her more love and more positive vibes, she is asking for it. Believe that she wants you, give her those things. The same way as you "Assume Attraction", the same "Assume that she wants you"... We want to win because we are f*cking winners! ;-)

I would keep texting more, get her engaged (like your original text above) and take her out, and then bed her again. I like this girl based on the text you posted, she seems genuine and honest, IMO she doesn't play any games.


In general:

* Remember, she's going through separation/divorce now with a guy she lived with for years... there is lots of emotions involved, she may be down, little bit depressed, all emotional, perhaps frustrated... He is blaming her, his parents are blaming her, her religion is blaming her, maybe her family is blaming her... so she might feel lots of guilt, she may be unsure whether she did the right thing... So she needs love and encouragement, she wants to know that she did the right thing...

* For the same reason, you don't want to throw too much gas into the flames. You just want to show her that you want her without being too pushy and needy, and without drama... You want to show her that you can lead her: you make the choices where to go, what to eat, where to sleep, when to text...

* Don't get discouraged by her responses. We don't know what is she thinking or planning, she may just keep waiting to see what are you going to do now when you know she is free. She may want to see that you are really interested in her, if you go after her or if you run away... We simply don't know what is she thinking but we know what is more important: Your thinking, and your attitude...

* So you want to have a solid and persistent frame: you want her and you don't hesitate to take her. Push and pull. Push little bit, then wait for response. Push more, pull back. Patience, wait, then push again... You want to be patient yet relentless MF. She is alone now, vulnerable with a child, and you already have a great relationship with her. Use it to your benefit, be selfish, you don't want to give any chances to other guys...

* Believe that she wants you, don't doubt yourself. If you believe it, chances are that she will start believing it too - and hopefully she already does...


Good job, keep us updated, don't doubt yourself...

 

[Drck]

"Would like to take you up on the offer for wine/dinner. When are you free?"

>>>> I would show more decisions and leading: Let me take you up on the offer,... Is 5 good, or does 6 sound better?

 

[Youngberg97]

Personally I wouldn't read "thanks now fuck off". That is how Debbie Downer reads. Here we read: "Can always use love and positive vibes!" - so why not give those to her? Give her more love and more positive vibes, she is asking for it. Believe that she wants you, give her those things. The same way as you "Assume Attraction", the same "Assume that she wants you"... We want to win because we are f*cking winners! ;-)

I would keep texting more, get her engaged (like your original text above) and take her out, and then bed her again. I like this girl based on the text you posted, she seems genuine and honest, IMO she doesn't play any games.


In general:

* Remember, she's going through separation/divorce now with a guy she lived with for years... there is lots of emotions involved, she may be down, little bit depressed, all emotional, perhaps frustrated... He is blaming her, his parents are blaming her, her religion is blaming her, maybe her family is blaming her... so she might feel lots of guilt, she may be unsure whether she did the right thing... So she needs love and encouragement, she wants to know that she did the right thing...

* For the same reason, you don't want to throw too much gas into the flames. You just want to show her that you want her without being too pushy and needy, and without drama... You want to show her that you can lead her: you make the choices where to go, what to eat, where to sleep, when to text..

* Don't get discouraged by her responses. We don't know what is she thinking or planning, she may just keep waiting to see what are you going to do now when you know she is free. She may want to see that you are really interested in her, if you go after her or if you run away... We simply don't know what is she thinking but we know what is more important: Your thinking, and your attitude...

* So you want to have a solid and persistent frame: you want her and you don't hesitate to take her. Push and pull. Push little bit, then wait for response. Push more, pull back. Patience, wait, then push again... You want to be patient yet relentless MF. She is alone now, vulnerable with a child, and you already have a great relationship with her. Use it to your benefit, be selfish, you don't want to give any chances to other guys...

* Believe that she wants you, don't doubt yourself. If you believe it, chances are that she will start believing it too - and hopefully she already does...


Good job, keep us updated, don't doubt yourself...

Wow, great great advice again. Thank you immensely! You're the best.

- Yes, she is a great girl and has been nothing but genuine and honest to me. I do know how long she lied to her husband and strung him along too, so I must also know that she is capable of this. But, with me, nothing but honesty thus far, so I must give her the benefit of doubt.

- The problem with being able to fully lead right now is that she has a 6 year old and her husband just moved out 2 days ago. So she is busy as ever right now, and me telling her something like "Let's meet at 6 tonight" could get met with "I have my son" or what have you. I don't want to offer something she cannot do, and then have to either chase her through her schedule to get a day/time, or have to put the ball in her court to send a text to me when she finds a better time than the one I proposed. Does that make sense or am I over thinking that one and just need to tell her to meet me at a certain day and time and expect that she will do it? Maybe I am playing too safe here, but I honestly think she is too busy right at this moment that I can just tell her a day/time and expect to get a positive response.

- Definitely agree not to get to reactionary on her responses. She did include 3 exclamation points and a winky face, by all means! I guess I am just used to her being more engaging, maybe asking a question to keep the conversation flowing (like she did in the first sample conversation). I'll keep this in mind.

And yeah, definitely if I want this i have to quit being so short-sighted and cautious. I need to just go take her. I like this attitude, and need to go meditate I think so that it can sink in and I can fully absorb it and put that mindset to good use here.

Thanks so much again. I'll report back when there is more to post.


YB

 

[Youngberg97]

Well here's what happened:

Me at 530 pm- I'd like to take you up on the wine/dinner. Tell me an evening and I'll figure out the rest
Her at 740 pm- ok deal!


What in the hell?

YB

 

[Youngberg97]

I responded a couple hours later:

Me 930- Haha
Me 930- ?

She read the message but did not reply. There's negative tension here, I can feel. Not sure how to address it. She has never been this way to me.

YB

 

[Drck]

Sometimes we try to over-think and over-analyze things... Just keep it simple. We are men, we are supposed to be simple. Avoid complications...

Quick story just off the top of my head. Guy and girl go for a date:

He: Look, I have a great sexy smile, and he smiles sexy
She: That is good (she is thinking: He is sexy, I'm excited). She smiles back at him, and she is thinking that he is an interesting guy
He: Look, I also have a great sexy walk - and he walks sexy in front of her
She: Ok, he looks really good, he is sexy (thinking: Maybe we will have sex then)
She: I am excited, I do love that (smiles a lot)
He: Look, I can talk sexy too
She: Ok, that is great (thinking: let's do something about sex then. Does he have a place in his mind?)
He: And I just shaved, now I got sexy facial hair. Look at my facial hair
She: Ok, good (does he really want sex or what is he doing? Why is he trying so hard?)
He: So look at me again, I am this great guy (suggesting: I'm really sexy and lots of girls want me)
She: Ok (is he going to do something or not? Is he going to make a move? Or is he just playing, annoying me for no reason?)
He: Yes, so as I was saying, all these hot chicks really want me (implying that he's used to talking to many hot girls)
She: Great,that's just great (yawns. Does he want sex or not? I'm getting tired, he's just fooling around)
He: Tries to get her jealous by talking to other girls in front of her, because all these girls are after him...
She: Ok, she's thinking, I'm really getting tired now. Either do something or not
He: And look, I got some sexy clothes too
She: Ok, give me a break now, that is just too much (head in her hands)...
He: Now he is thinking, maybe I didn't do enough to tell her that I want sex? She looks little bit disinterested
He: Hey what do you think about sex? And gives her some sexy story
She: Hm, let me think about it. I think sex is good (hoping that he will finally pull it out)
He: Ok, lets go for date again. How does next week sound to you? (doesn't want to sound too needy and too interested, want to show her that he can take his time)
She: That is just great! (Sure, I will be there next week!) <sarcasm>
He: He is thinking: Now she looks like she is not much interested, how do I seduce her? How do I show her that I am interested in her, that I want sex with her? How do I make sure that she will show up next week? What else do I have to do to make sure that she knows I want her? So he goes and texts her: Hey, you really looked great today, I had a really good time. I hope that we will see each other next week!
She: Sure we will! I hope so too! <sarcasm, bites her lips>

Ok, that's a really silly story, but the whole point is, that he could have save himself lots of time by not overthinking and by not doing too much. If he kept it simple, he could have gotten her right at the beginning, look at the first 5-10 lines above. The rest is useless, he could have pull it of right there. He dag a hole for himself, and now she won't show for second date anyway.

----------------------------


You: "she is busy right now"
>>>> If a girl wants a guy and she is really into him, she will find time. Work is not more important that the guy, and if she really can't - she will make counter offer, and she will make sure that she will show up...

Don't make excuses for girls... If she offers she is interested. If she shows up, she is very interested. She only doesn't show up if she is not excited about the guy, or if she has lots of doubts... She is not stupid, she knows that there is a possibility of sex, especially when the guy slept with her before...

-----------------------------

Texting her:

You: I'd like to take you up for dinner. Tell me an evening and I'll figure out the rest
She: She's thinking: sounds really great, I want to see this guy, I am excited! 7:40 it is, deal!
You: You are thinking: What in the hell is she talking about???
>>>> She is talking about having a dinner at 7:40! Don't over-analyze, don't over-think it...

Me: 9:30 haha
She: She is probably thinking: ??? What??? Why not???
You: 9:30 ?
You: You are thinking: There is a negative tension here, I can feel it
>>>> There is no negative tension, she gave you a clear time. You know yourself that she is busy, yet she made it clear that she has a time for you at 7:30. See the story above, keep it simple, don't complicate it, don't dig a hole for yourself... IMO it is not a big deal, just don't complicate it for no reason, take the deal... What, do you have a 2 year old child home that you can't make it at 7:30?

So I would reply: "Great, I'll pick you up <or meet you> at 7:30 then"
And it's a done deal. You show up, she shows up... Nice simple talk, she loosens up with wine, and she ends up in your bed again like before. Simple, easy, no complications...


Why make it more difficult than it is?

 

[Youngberg97]

No no no, 7:40 pm was the time that she replied to my text message, not a time that she gave me. I was just including the time of the texts for reference points as to the speed of our replies. The only thing she texted me back with was "ok deal!", so effectively she did not really offer me a date at all, let alone give me a time.

The texts themselves looked like this:

Me: "I'd like to take you up on the wine/dinner. Tell me an evening and I'll figure out the rest "
Her: "ok deal!"
Me: "haha"
Me: "?"

I can see that she read my message requesting elaboration on her "ok deal!" response, but she did not reply to it.

YB

 

[Drck]

It's the same man, you are reading too much into it...

It's a deal, so it's a deal. Go from there. Believe yourself, believe that she wants you. You already slept with her, you know her longer time, so the GC guidelines are little bit different. Show more leading, push little bit, get that counter offer from her. She is showing you positive signs, you have a green light to go, so you have to go before it goes red...

I believe that she is looking more for you to be leading (in general, not just for the dinner). So far it looks like she is the one who is leading.

She is getting divorced, her husbby left her just couple of days ago, she has a child, she is more emotional at this time.... We don't know what is she thinking or planning, but we know that you really like her and want her. So you have to show leadership.

If she wants another guy in her life, she is not only looking for lover. See, with lover she can have lots of fun, lots of great emotions and feelings, good time, great sex. She wants lover for good times, but also somebody who can take care of her when there is difficult time. Somebody who is emotionally stable, somebody who sees the end of the tunnel, somebody who keeps firmly walking to the end of it, even though the light is deem right now...

You already showed that you are a lover, she's got great experience with you, she experienced great and positive emotions. At that time she was safe though, she had a guy who provided safety, she could have always come back there, he wanted her there...


But now he is gone, the safety is gone, there is only lots of emotions... So you also have to show that you stand with your feet on the ground. What if she loses a job, what if her child gets sick, what if one of her parent dies? What if there is flood, what will he do? She will be busy with her own emotions, problems, she will be all over the place ...

What will the lover - the guy she had so much fun with - do? Will he walk away from her? Will he collapse emotionally himself, start crying and flipping out? Will he give up? Can she rely on him as emotional and other support, does he have enough hope, is he a survival?

Is he going to show some support: Hey, I'll take care of it, don't worry, focus on yourself and on your child now, I got it under control...?

That's a good way to see it, that's how you want to think. Be a great lover, and be also a great provider (although you know that this web is generally against being a provider, but again, your situation is different, you are not looking to get laid with 100 girls in one year....)

Without saying it in words you want to express: I know what I want, I want you. I'm here and I am a great support. I'm here and I have a plan for the future: 1, 2, and 3. I have a great place, safe and under control.

So again, be persistent, be patient, don't get discouraged by her responses. Show leadership. Without pushing too much, get that time/date out of her, make sure that she appears. Don't flip out if she postpones, try again, pull back, then try again, and again...

Maybe she is in that tunnel now, it's dark, she doesn't go where to go. This way or that way? With this guy, alone, or with somebody else? Where is the light, is there any future?

So the right guy comes, he takes her hand and says: This way. And she says: but maybe this is a wrong way, maybe we should go that way. No, he says, we are going this way, this is the right way. But what if there is flood, more darkness, what if there is no outlet? She is asking. Don't worry we are are going this way, he says, and keeps leading her the way he chooses ...

Be that right guy...

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She texts: ok deal!
I would write something like: great! Text you tomorrow, what's better for you, Sa or Su?

Note what you accomplish with little sentence like that: you are confirming what she said, now it's a deal! You are taking your time (will get back to you tomorrow), you are giving her some time to make her plans, and you are taking a lead: When Sa or Su? She's got to make decision, she will either accept one of those days or give you counter offer...

 

[Youngberg97]

Yah guess I messed up big time sending her the "haha ?" message. And now she isn't gonna respond to it, so it seems id have to double text, which is weak and needy imo.

Probably screwed at this point as I have no idea how to re engage her now after such a horrible mistake. She is probably put off by the brashness and coldness of my message to her, and is probably mad at me.

I don't know what to do other than just explain myself to her. Whatever I'd do to re engage at this point just seems like weak stuff to me. Like I messed up, and I know it, and now I'm scrambling to save myself.

I'm stuck now. Maybe I do need to just go find other women and leave this as it is. If it were meant to be, it would be, like you've said. So I suppose me botching the whole meetup request is just another indicator of such.

YB