Hi guys, long time lurker and had a coach call with Hector years ago but new to the forum as I broke up with my gf of 3 years four months ago.
I've been conflicted on what I want (do I even want casual sex or just to improve myself until I can attract the girl that I want long term). I've now realised that no matter how strong my mental will is, I need at least semi-regular sex to be able to focus on my other life goals. Before my ex, I did have multiple FWB at one time but it was always just an ego boost rather than a need, so now I'm being a lot more selective even for more casual encounters.
Due to those conflicts, it took me 3-4 months just to go on a first date. Luck would have it, she is probably top 3 of girls I've ever dated purely on looks. Here is the summary:
I know she gets a lot of attention but she portrayed a lot of green flags - does not check her phone at all while on the date, insisted she clean up all dishes after cooking, was compliant in requests to test submissiveness etc. However, I think that I'm either a backup choice or the provider choice. She only initiated text once (asking to meet up for first date).
Is there anything I can do to grab some power back? Even if it is too late with this girl, I want to be able to get in a position where I don't feel like the girl has all the power. I feel like the answer is I need to increase my value in general and be smoother but let me know if you have any specific advice!
Thank you in advance
I've been conflicted on what I want (do I even want casual sex or just to improve myself until I can attract the girl that I want long term). I've now realised that no matter how strong my mental will is, I need at least semi-regular sex to be able to focus on my other life goals. Before my ex, I did have multiple FWB at one time but it was always just an ego boost rather than a need, so now I'm being a lot more selective even for more casual encounters.
Due to those conflicts, it took me 3-4 months just to go on a first date. Luck would have it, she is probably top 3 of girls I've ever dated purely on looks. Here is the summary:
- Randomly sat next to each other in a group event at a bar 2 months ago. She was hyper focused on the event, but I forced a conversation and got her Insta. I was very rusty and still too heartbroken so after initial icebreaker on message, decided not to pursue as she was semi-cold.
- Week and half later, I commented a joke on one of her stories and in a way got her to qualify herself. She did and I used it as a reason to meet up to prove it to me. She said yes.
- We both had to go away for around 2 weeks, nothing happened, no texting.
- When I came back, I texted her to meet up - she said she was busy until the Friday as she had exams. I took it as a flake so said "Ok let me know when you are free"
- To my surprise, she asked "So when are we going out" on Friday and I set up the first date two days later.
- Given how rusty I was and that she is hot, I was happy with how I came across on the first date. However, she's clearly been hurt recently and was adamant she is looking for a connection before sex when I asked her to go back to mine. I've heard this before but I didn't handle it perfectly because she anticipated how I would normally handle it. This definitely was the point where I failed the test and lost frame but at least the date was going well.
- In the end, we moved locations twice and normally I wouldn't kiss in bars but it's been a while since I had kissed anyone other than my ex, and there was this hot girl giving me the "kiss me now eyes" so we made out a few times. Then she got into an taxi, made out with me again just prior to leaving and went home. She let me know she got home and that was that.
- Next day in the evening, I proposed a 2nd date at another bar. She initially accepted then flaked the next day.
- Waited a week, invited her to a small party I was hosting and said she can bring a +1. Initially she accepted then she got ill and was on antibiotics (can confirm it was true)
- - Waited a few days and then proposed I cook for her at mine. She accepted but was only free like 5 days later. In total there was 3 weeks between 1st and 2nd date.
- - She offered herself to buy groceries on the day before I even asked so I was impressed. I asked to bring her fav wine and to dress sexy. She liked the 2nd request but tested me on it which I handled quite well IMO.
- - Date went well but English isn't her first language and my strong point definitely is my personality and humour, which was tougher for me to show. I've become decent at massage and used it to turn things more sexual further than she thought we would initially but still she was adamant that nothing was going to happen. This time I handled the test much better but every time she got lost in the moment she would "wake up" and say "I'm getting too turned on, so I'm going as it is too early". Then she said (which I think was just being in the moment + not perfect English) She wants to feel love before she has sex as she was hurt too many times.
- She did tell me she wasn't dating anyone else and I said that even though I like her vibe and don't mind getting to know each other better before we get too intimate, if we are going to see eachother once every 3 weeks, this wasn't for me. She said no we have to see eachother more often etc. This was repeated once or twice more without my probing. At the end of the night, she texted me to tell me she got home safe and that was that.
- Decided this time to wait 2 days before texting. I was hoping she would initiate texting given that she herself seemed to suggest we should meet up more often.
- Texted her with a photo of something interesting and probed her a little. She responded slower than usual similar to what happened after 1st date. I was busy anyway so I matched her speed proposing to meet up for a 3rd time. No reply 16 hours later (similar to after 1st date before she flaked), usually responds within 30 mins max 1h30 a part from when she flaked after first date so it seems going to be a similar story.
I know she gets a lot of attention but she portrayed a lot of green flags - does not check her phone at all while on the date, insisted she clean up all dishes after cooking, was compliant in requests to test submissiveness etc. However, I think that I'm either a backup choice or the provider choice. She only initiated text once (asking to meet up for first date).
Is there anything I can do to grab some power back? Even if it is too late with this girl, I want to be able to get in a position where I don't feel like the girl has all the power. I feel like the answer is I need to increase my value in general and be smoother but let me know if you have any specific advice!
Thank you in advance