Am I being too sensitive?

[Huge Jack Man]

I’ve been seeing this girl for about a year now. Things are good for the most part. But whenever we’ve had arguments, she would mention that I’m too sensitive. Anyways, about a week ago, she mentioned us getting married and having kids. She said she’d really want that with me. I replied calmly that I’d want that too. A few days ago, her ex who she had dated for about 5 years told her he’s seeing someone now and they’re planning on moving in together. I can tell by the look on her face tgar she was fuzzed by that (or maybe I’m reading into it too much). She told me she couldn’t be bothered but she’s just shocked that when they were together, he didn’t wanna move in with her and then she started questioning herself saying maybe she isn’t meant to be the “stay with” type. Later that day she tells me that she cried because she realised she lost 2 best friends (her mom, who died a little over a year ago, and then the ex). I know he still has feelings for her because she tells me about the sexual advances and comments he tries to make on her. They had broken up about a few months before she met me and she told me they still slept together during those times but they weren’t exclusive so he wasn’t the only one but I’ve been the only one she’s slept with after she met me. I feel like she’s still too emotionally attached to him or am I just reading into it too much. Or is it normal since they’ve been together for so long even though she has told me she hasn’t wanted to be back with him ever since they broke up. But if so, why is she so bothered that he has someone now? I do think she suffers from like some mental disorder due to past trauma so she is more susceptible to engage in risky situations like self sabotage.

 

[StrayDog]

I replied calmly that I’d want that too.

I would have screened/qualified her on this, before flat out agreeing.

"what does that look like to you? what do you see as the next step? what compelled you to bring this up right now?"

it is quite evident that this girl is not over her ex completely. They are still in touch and she is emotionally effected by him still. Also she is telling you all of this? He moves in with someone now she wants to lock it down with you. Highly suspect.

Plus she is going through some stuff with her mom grieving.

Clearly her she is suggesting you two lock it down, in part because of both of those events. Her mom dying is going to have her seeking some security. Her still being somewhat attached to her ex and him moving on with someone else, now she's wanting to make moves.

Her repeatedly calling you sensitive also points to some other dynamic in your relationship as well. I am not sure what exactly cause we don't have the full picture here. But there's something going on there.

 

[StrayDog]

it is quite evident that this girl is not over her ex completely. They are still in touch and she is emotionally effected by him still. Also she is telling you all of this? He moves in with someone now she wants to lock it down with you. Highly suspect.

it might be normal for a girl to feel like this a little, or at least still reflect on her past. relationship if some event triggers that. but the fact that she is voicing it to you, and it is effecting her so much. tells me there is something up with your dynamic.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

Her repeatedly calling you sensitive also points to some other dynamic in your relationship as well. I am not sure what exactly cause we don't have the full picture here. But there's something going on there.

This has to do with the fact that whenever we have an argument, my mind kinda dwells on the problem too long and then I end up bringing it up again later in the future or ask varied questions on the subject

 

[Huge Jack Man]

it might be normal for a girl to feel like this a little, or at least still reflect on her past. relationship if some event triggers that. but the fact that she is voicing it to you, and it is effecting her so much. tells me there is something up with your dynamic.

She usually tells me almost everything though

 

[StrayDog]

This has to do with the fact that whenever we have an argument

what kind of things are you arguing about?

 

[StrayDog]

what kind of things are you arguing about?

you're discussing marriage, but there is a pattern of regular arguments?

 

[StrayDog]

This has to do with the fact that whenever we have an argument, my mind kinda dwells on the problem too long and then I end up bringing it up again later in the future or ask varied questions on the subject

also, telling someone they are "too sensitive". is not the most empathetic or productive way to address them, even if they are dwelling too long on something or overreacting a bit

 

[StrayDog]

also, telling someone they are "too sensitive". is not the most empathetic or productive way to address them, even if they are dwelling too long on something or overreacting a bit

and can even be subtle gaslighting sometimes, in order for the person to avoid addressing the "too sensitive" persons grievances.

I am sensing there is some bigger dynamic issues somewhere in here. but I don't want to be presumptuous about your relationship

 

[Huge Jack Man]

what kind of things are you arguing about?

Well this was not long ago but I realised she used to text guys in a flirty manner and she said she only does it because she’s bored and has no intentions to pursue anything with these men. There were times her ex would send her sexual messages and she wouldn’t necessarily shut them down. And idk there would be this smile on her face that makes me think she enjoys these type of messages or advances from him. She says she’s not the type to be rude to people but I feel that’s cap because you don’t even have to be rude. I’ve seen her be monosyllabic with other guys that make similar advances. There are times I feel like she’s compared me to the ex in a sense that he drives and I don’t and there was a few times we went out and she state that she liked it when she used to be able to just hop into a car right after going somewhere especially because of her social anxiety. Just to mention a few

 

[Huge Jack Man]

and can even be subtle gaslighting sometimes, in order for the person to avoid addressing the "too sensitive" persons grievances.

I am sensing there is some bigger dynamic issues somewhere in here. but I don't want to be presumptuous about your relationship

What sort of dynamic are you thinking?

 

[TomInHo]

You're not being too sensitive

Your girl is gaslighting you to believe her shit behavior is ok. Proceed with caution

 

[topcat]

This girl isn't for you.

 

[OldGuy]

women will react to ex's moving on. I had one break down when I told her I was in love 11 years after she turned down my proposal!

 

[S.S Can]

This girl isn't for you.

yeah

You want a girl who acts like your girl acts for your ex for you.

 

[StrayDog]

What sort of dynamic are you thinking?

can't say exactly but it seems like there is a poor precedent going on.

she flirts with other guys tells you about it openly.

I know you mentioned she tells you everything. but that in of it self isn't necessarily a constructive thing. sure openness is important. but say she starts telling you she fantasizes about fucking another dude? she's telling you everything right?

flirts with her ex. is still emotionally invested in her ex to the point that it is compelling her to make decisions in your relationship that mirror what is happening in her ex's life.

she dismisses your concerns, brushes them off, or even demeans them.

she suggests you two start building towards a family and you readily agree, even though you two have all of the other issues reoccurring.

my guess is that there is a precedent that is reflective of all that. You not screening and qualifying her when she proposes marriage. Makes me think perhaps you did little screening and qualifying during other stages of relationship growth.

She seems (at least from where I am sitting with limited knowledge of all of the nuances in your relationship) to be taking for granted certain aspects of your character. what lead to this? I can't exactly say.

and of course it's a two way street. so something in how you have been operating has contributed.

Look dude, a women who is totally invested in you as a leader, whom you have properly screened/qualified and set a decent precedent with will not be taking for granted her man. At least not in major ways.

She will know that certain things are off limits if she wants to maintain the integrity of a relationship she has invested so much in. And she will take measures to maintain those limits her self.

And she won't brush off or belittle his genuine concerns. She will consider his perspective, and strive to understand it. This of course presupposes that he commands that sort of consideration from her.

 

[StrayDog]

it because she’s bored and has no intentions to pursue anything with these men

dude, who cares why she does it, bored horny or in-between. that fact that she entertains it at all speaks volumes about how she views boundaries around this sort of thing in your relationship., Is at best totally ignorant to how this behavior could efect a relationship, or is aware but doesnt care, or even worst gets off (literally or figuratively) on it.

 

[Kingkong]

also, telling someone they are "too sensitive". is not the most empathetic or productive way to address them, even if they are dwelling too long on something or overreacting a bit

Exactly. Sounds like she is gaslighting him