Socializing Am I Overthinking This or Was It a Territory Social Challenge at the Gym?

[The Emerald Archer]

I encountered a novel situation that felt "off"/weird the other day at the gym and I could use your guys' thoughts and opinions on it.

Context​

I've been going to this gym for about a year now and have gotten to know the owners pretty well, and made friends/acquaintances with many other gym-goers, the guys who are stronger and more respected at the gym. I've gotten my fair share of looks/admiration/compliments from other gym-goers so I know I have value to offer in this environment. I've been lifting ever since I was in high school so I've built a good level of muscle mass and strength.

The Situation​

I was using one of the adjustable benches to do some seated dumbbell shoulder presses and incline dumbbell bench presses. However, I was alternating back and forth between incline presses and chest-supported rows as the rowing machine is 5 feet or so behind the bench.

Throughout the course of my workout, there were 3 guys working on the incline bench next to me doing incline curls and whatnot training their arms that day. It was one guy who was "coaching" the two young bucks, (who were clearly in their teens). Not sure if the "leader" was in high school himself (he looked/sounded older, like at least in his 20s but you can never know for sure).

Anyways, I just finished up a set of incline dumbbell presses, and I left my water bottle on the seat and also had the dumbbells resting on the floor in front of the bench as a way to signal the bench was occupied. Also, these guys were working right next to me, and I know they saw me using the incline bench too (I caught them mirin’ from my peripherals while I was doing seated shoulder presses earlier).

As I finish a set of chest-supported rows and then go to put some more weight on the machine, I suddenly saw all three of those guys taking turns doing triceps extensions on my bench. I saw this go down as I was putting weights on the row machine and had a skeptical look on my face as if to say "do these guys not know I'm using that bench?"

At first, I thought maybe they didn’t know I was still using that bench (which seemed weird because I was just using it next to them as I said earlier) and figured if they saw me walk over and clearly sit down on the bench then maybe they would get the hint this time. As I walked over to the bench after finishing loading up more weight on the rowing machine, I make direct eye contact with one of the young bucks who then had this look of "oh shit someone was using this and I overstepped."

I didn't say anything, I just let my eye contact and nonverbals do the work. This wasn't the main issue though. It's with the guy who was "coaching" them, their "leader" if you will haha.

I finish another set of incline presses, and as I proceed to walk towards the rowing machine (again, which is like 5 feet behind the bench), I see the “leader” taking it upon himself to do bodyweight triceps extensions using the edge of the bench where I put my head on dumbbell presses. I KNOW he knows I'm using that bench because they clearly saw me walk over and sit down on it, and do a set of dumbbell presses. Also, none of the young bucs worked in this time, they backed off once they saw me walk over and clearly signal I was using the bench. Only this "leader" guy.

Because of this, I interpreted his actions as some weird sort of dominance play or "challenge" in the form of territory. It felt like he was trying to AMOG me passive-aggressively by imposing himself on a piece of equipment that I was clearly using without even asking me if it's okay first which goes against proper gym etiquette, hence why I was a little irked by this.

My gut instinct felt something was off and I immediately felt this was a dominance/AMOG move and I knew I couldn’t just ignore it/pretend I didn't notice him doing sets when my back was turned or I’d look weak/like a pushover.

This time, after I finished my set of chest rows, I walked over and got right next to him in his space and told him point-blank “I’m still using that.”

He acts a little flustered and stutters “uhh. What?” while huffing and puffing from his set. I repeat “I'm still using that.” And look at him with piercing eye contact and an emotionless facial expression.

He stuttered like he wasn't sure how to respond before finally muttering out “uhhh. Ummm. Yeah you good man.” like a deer caught in the headlights. I then proceed to sit down on the bench and inhabit it like it’s my territory.

I think he was taken aback because I saw him staring at me out of my peripherals like he was butt-hurt after I said that to him. Not sure if he’s just socially retarded/uncalibrated enough to realize that was improper gym etiquette, but it felt like a clear dominance play/AMOG attempt, albeit in a passive-aggressive way. I'm much bigger and stronger than him so I don't think he had the balls to challenge me directly/overtly, hence this weird "invading my territory" thing.

Here's the weird part: I thought after saying something he would stop. Except he didn't... He still proceeded to do his bodyweight triceps extensions on the bench I was using without even asking me if it was cool. This is why I believe this was some weird alpha/dominance play. However, now he clearly waited for me to be done (and I make sure to take my time resting on the bench, and standing near it to grab a sip of water again to signal this was my space) and only went over to the bench when my back was turned and I was doing sets of rows like he was sneaking around trying to not get caught by me again.

At this point, I let it go and didn't confront him about it again, although I wish I would have. I truly didn't like the fact that he was putting his sweaty palms on the edge of the bench where my head would be when I lay down and do a set of dumbbell incline presses, and I didn't like how he didn't formally ask me if I was cool with him working in.

Just to be clear, had he ASKED ME if he could do those bodyweight triceps extensions while I was doing sets of rows, then I would've been cool with it. I don't like how he imposed himself to start using a piece of equipment that he knew was occupied without even asking first. Hence, this is why I interpreted it as disrespect/a social challenge, or a passive-aggressive dominance move.

Overall, my gut instinct told me this was some type of subtle AMOG attempt or territory social challenge. That’s what I felt at first, but then I thought maybe this guy is just young and retarded and doesn’t understand proper gym etiquette (like that you ask someone if they’re using something before taking it upon yourself to impose all up in his space and on his equipment).

Also, the three of them were literally using an incline bench themselves and could've easily done those bodyweight extensions on the edge of their incline bench, yet decided to do them off of mine... hmmm.

This whole ordeal might seem petty, but I’m still trying to break some bad habits from childhood and social conditioning about not being a pushover and being more assertive, and I don't want to get into the habit of ignoring little situations like these, because I don't want that to become a habit.

My questions are:​

1. Was this a dominance attempt/territory social challenge in the form of imposing on the space/equipment I was using without asking first?
2. Was my course of action and the way I confronted him weak/making me look sort of like a pushover or was it good enough? If it was a weak response, what would be a better way to respond to these types of situations in the future?

I'd appreciate any and all input, so don't be afraid to chime in with your read on the situation and/or suggestions. Feel free to let em' rip!

Thanks again guys,

- Emerald

 

[ulrich]

It was an attempt and you reacted the right way.

Although, in my opinion, this was such a small trespassing that you could have also ignored it.

Either way, there’s little to win in this scenario and yet you won so kudos to you.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

It was an attempt and you reacted the right way.

Although, in my opinion, this was such a small trespassing that you could have also ignored it.

Either way, there’s little to win in this scenario and yet you won so kudos to you.

Hey Uriel,

Thanks for the feedback.

I realize it sounds petty, I just want to make sure my read was right and that my gut instinct/intuition isn't failing me.

I truly didn't like the imposing/trespassing and I truly didn't want a stranger's greasy ass palms all over the area where my head/hair is resting on the bench. If I just ignored that outright wouldn't that be putting up with something I don't want to put up with?

If you truly don't like something but tolerate it anyway, isn't that considered a sign of weakness? As in you're not in control of the situation?

 

[DarkKnight]

Sometimes it is a good idea to instruct people what not to do. Just tell him to not obtruct you at the bench instead of just saying you are still using it. Guy was sneaking around right? Means he is already a bit fearful of being called out or confronted. So I think I would have doubled down a bit without being agressive, but being very clear. "Hey man, move away from my space, you can return when I am done". Any reasonable guy will understand this, if someone doesn't understand it or willing to understand it he exposes himself as being ill intentioned.

Reason you didn't double down is probably because you are not sure yet how far you can push people and also the vagueness of his moves. But by calling him out you remove this issue and the vagueness.

Also being bigger (you) is irrelevant. Do you have the will to act when it is called for? This is what will give you more power and frame. Sometimes warning someone when they are being stubborn, that you will inform the staff is enough.

Doesn't always have to go down with a staredown. I know I have done this when this bum kept instigating ,but he made it very easy for me by being dramatic and overt... so push the vague person to become a bit more overt

 

[ulrich]

I truly didn't like the imposing/trespassing and I truly didn't want a stranger's greasy ass palms all over the area where my head/hair is resting on the bench. If I just ignored that outright wouldn't that be putting up with something I don't want to put up with?

If you truly don't like something but tolerate it anyway, isn't that considered a sign of weakness? As in you're not in control of the situation?

Well, I think you don’t have to be in control of every situation to express dominance.
Disinterest or disgust (as in “this is beneath me”) can also work, although in a different way.

You took a risk and it paid.
Not reacting would have been the sign of weakness indeed.

 

[DaVinciMatrixStyle]

I think the best response to first treat it as if they're not attempting to 'AMOG' you and escalate if necessary. This means I would 'confront' them in a way that doesn't come off confrontational. at first.

"Hey guys! I don't mind you working in but after you're done I have to lay my head where your armpits are. Would you mind waiting after my sets? I only have like 2 more sets" (Be unassuming and positive + smiling) = not threatened by them but explaining + also see how they respond to you to gauge what their intentions are)

If their intention wasn't to AMOG you, they would be apologetic and back off.

But if they dismiss you or give you some type of aggression, you should escalate as necessary at that point.

 

[Searcher]

I think you did well.
I like Davincimatrixstyle's word by word response the most where you aren't trying to be aggressive/domineering and ordering around.

In such cases always remember to have a neutral tone/calm demeanor and a unaffected look on your face (that means no scrunching your brows or frowning or taking angry heavy breaths).

A gym is a public place and if the other guy has at least a bit of dominance or ego then using the whole direct "come back later, I am working" won't go well if used at first as both of you will start escalating and lose time and since it's a public place the other guy can always make the argument that you can't be hogging the equipment for yourself.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

Lots of great insights from you guys. I'll try to address each of them one by one.

@DarkKnight

I dig your style when it comes to these AMOG situations. I felt like me just telling him I'm still using that was neutral at best. If I would've told him not to use the bench while I'm still using it, or perhaps added that on to what I originally said, then it would've been more potent. Something like:

Me: “Hey bro I’m still using that.”

Him: “Uhhh…ummm…ahhhh… yeah man you good.”

does it again next set….

Me: “Hey man, I don’t want you using this while I’m still using it. I got a couple more sets, then you can have the bench when I’m done."

I'm also thinking of making a somewhat exaggerated skeptical face (mainly for any onlookers) as if to communicate: "This is strange, wtf is going on here?" and then launching into my response.

Reason you didn't double down is probably because you are not sure yet how far you can push people and also the vagueness of his moves. But by calling him out you remove this issue and the vagueness.

Yup, you nailed it. I was a little confused at first because it seemed vague like you said. The dude was working on an incline bench right next to me with two younger guys he was trying to “coach” yet decided they all need to do that exercise on the edge of my bench when they just as easily could’ve used the one they were working on.

For the record, I don't blame the young bucks. I figured they were following under his direction and they didn't do that exercise anymore after I walked over and made it clear I was still using it.

But that guy stubbornly continued which to me is what sealed the deal that it was some sort of dominance/AMOG move. Smh some guys are so pathetic nowadays with their attempts to be "alpha" and whatnot lol.

And you’re right, I definitely still hesitate to push the boundaries sometimes even though I feel I should/need to. Assertiveness and frame control are my main priorities right now with social/seduction skills.

I mentioned the bigger part because I’ve noticed some guys at the gym acting weird around me. Like a mixture of envy plus status jockeying/subtle AMOG attempts like this one.

As if they can’t handle being around someone who is more experienced/advanced than them (physically bigger and stronger).

Anyways, I appreciate your insight in instructing people on what not to do and will be incorporating that tactic into my assertiveness utility belt.

@uriel

Ah, I get what you mean now. I'm still trying to understand dominance and assertiveness better. Not always having to be in control of every situation is one of those nuances that I'm trying to better wrap my head around.

I like the acting with disgust/disinterest as if it's so beneath you it isn't worth your brain cells. I didn't understand that in your first response, but it makes more sense now.

@DaVinciMatrixStyle

I agree with Sully, your response is a solid starting point.

Instead of assuming the worst right out of the gate by thinking this is some AMOG attempt, start off unassuming and friendly to get a feel for whether someone had bad intentions or not.

Then, if he is dismissive or even gets aggressive, then you could safely escalate and jump into what Darkknight said about telling him what not to do in a clear, firm way and not being afraid to see how far you can push people in those circumstances.

@Sully

I'll keep in mind the calm/unaffected demeanor. On the inside, I was a little heated because of how I interpreted his actions as a clear dominance move.

Perhaps next time I'll try to focus on being as calm and unaffected as possible, while smiling and being somewhat friendly first, per Davinci's suggestion.

As far as him telling the staff on me, I don't think that would be a problem as I've gotten to know the owners fairly well (I even interviewed with them for a job back in the fall, but turned it down) and I've gotten to know a decent amount of people just by being friendly and social.

But I do see how someone can try to finagle their way about trying to paint me as inconsiderate for "hogging" the equipment.

 

[Alpha13SC]

For me, this is an overreaction from your side. Did you had a towel on it or something? If they would touch it, yeah, there it would be a problem.

I do that sometimes, using a machine where the weight is very easy changeable just to warm up. I m just too focused on my work out to care about anybody else. And if somebody s doing while I m in pause, I don t really care, as long as it doesn t affect my workout. Then there it would be a problem.

Sometimes, gym may be very crowded. We re not there to establish some kind of dominance or anything. At least not in this way. I let the results speak from themselves. Sometimes, the biggest guys in the gym are the coolest.

Alpha13SC

 

[DarkKnight]

I dig your style when it comes to these AMOG situations.

Lots of experience.. But it requires still a lot of finesse to judge each new interaction and act accordingly. This is actually what these passive agressive people are betting on.. you not being able to challenge them back in a suave manner. Something which changes my style is also if I feel the need to be patient yes or no. If there are no real social risks or something else I tend to double down on people like this even if they withdraw typically with "bro, it was just a joke" or "bro I didn't know". Barring ofcourse those who really did make a joke or really did not know.
I have no energy for people who obstruct or annoy me, hence why I prefer to deal with them right away before they become an issue (without overreacting).

For me, this is an overreaction from your side.

not sure about this. OP mentions that he felt at a gut level that the other dude was challenging him. This also quite confirms it "Also, the three of them were literally using an incline bench themselves and could've easily done those bodyweight extensions on the edge of their incline bench, yet decided to do them off of mine... hmmm."

I'm also thinking of making a somewhat exaggerated skeptical face (mainly for any onlookers) as if to communicate: "This is strange, wtf is going on here?" and then launching into my response.

Not necessary, you don't owe anything to onlookers, although I have to say I am curious why you need this, this is a genuine question, is it because you feel you need social frame to make a move? In other words is it necessary for you to be judged as the "good" party? This is a conditioned thing I believe , a legacy from our conditioning which is about what we should or should not do. Be "good" boys.

I believe in this event it is better to just assume authority.. especially because you are a big muscular guy. When you assume that frame others will recognize it. Real power cannot be given, it must be taken (Godfather quote). Congruence is needed as well ofcourse.

For the record, I don't blame the young bucks. I figured they were following under his direction and they didn't do that exercise anymore after I walked over and made it clear I was still using it.

Indeed, good intuition

I mentioned the bigger part because I’ve noticed some guys at the gym acting weird around me. Like a mixture of envy plus status jockeying/subtle AMOG attempts like this one.

Yes.. gyms can be full with people who are posturing, really annoying. I understand what you mean

And you’re right, I definitely still hesitate to push the boundaries sometimes even though I feel I should/need to. Assertiveness and frame control are my main priorities right now with social/seduction skills.

I believe you also feel like you need on some level "permission" to act, perhaps I am wrong, but because of the skeptical face you wanted to make for onlookers..

I tend to do the opposite usually, also when opening girls you will also see some guy look or stare at you, psychologically try to get you to fail, sometimes I stare at them back with a piercing stare (not long enough to lose engagement with the girl) and usually they back down because they know they are mingling with something which they are not part of. I assume authority, otherwise will lose a lot of opportunities!

 

[Terms]

I don't see this as a territory challenge.

You're going back and forth using two pieces of equipment at once, which is an over-step of territory and a signal that you're cool with finding solutions outside the norm (sticking to one piece of equipment at a time) to help yourself (and those around you, it can be assumed) get the workout they like in ways other than the norm.

If they were making sure to not interfere with your use of the equipment, they're just doing the same thing as you: improvising against the norm in a way that doesn't actually affect anyone. You were kind of a dick to them in a way, "breaking the norm is for me but not for thee."

A quick nod of "yep, all good with me" when they use the bench when you're on another piece of equipment is the move here, if anything needs to be acknowledged at all. If they're leaving sweat on it, you could ask them if they mind wiping it down. If not, nothing really needs to be said or read into.

My opinion of course, for what its worth.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

@Alpha13SC

I didn't have a towel on it, no, but I did have my water bottle right on the pad of the bench where you sit. I also had the dumbbells I was incline pressing with right on the floor in front of the bench. And on top of all of that, these guys were working on an incline bench that was two benches down from me (there was only one bench in between us) and this was all in front of the dumbbell rack which is a smallish area in my gym where you can clearly see everyone who's working out in that space.

And I know they saw me because they were staring in mirin' way when I was doing seated shoulder presses and using decently heavy dumbbells (like 70's). I'm pretty sure this "leader" chump got insecure seeing that and probably felt insecure about himself. Then decided to passive-aggressively posture to see if he could get a "one-up" on me or as some weird sort of "test".

I feel like I've never gone this deep analyzing a social situation before, but fuck it haha. It's all in service of learning the social arts as a skill set to have for life.

I normally don't care if people work in, and in fact, I'm happy when they do because I like training partners and meeting new people. It's the fact that this guy didn't bother to ask, and it's a problem because it wasn't that he didn't know that the equipment was occupied (like if he was on the other side of the gym), he knew it was and tried to pull a passive-aggressive attempt as @DarkKnight said.

That's why my intuition tingled like Spider-Man's spider sense.

Sometimes, gym may be very crowded. We re not there to establish some kind of dominance or anything. At least not in this way. I let the results speak from themselves. Sometimes, the biggest guys in the gym are the coolest.

I agree wholeheartedly and that's the example I try to set in the gym. I believe it's working out pretty well since a lot of fellow gym-goers seem intrigued and interested in me, and try to strike up basic chit-chat as if they want to get to know me better.

There are only a few dum-dums who have pulled some weird posturing shit lmao.

Lots of experience.. But it requires still a lot of finesse to judge each new interaction and act accordingly. This is actually what these passive agressive people are betting on.. you not being able to challenge them back in a suave manner. Something which changes my style is also if I feel the need to be patient yes or no. If there are no real social risks or something else I tend to double down on people like this even if they withdraw typically with "bro, it was just a joke" or "bro I didn't know". Barring ofcourse those who really did make a joke or really did not know.
I have no energy for people who obstruct or annoy me, hence why I prefer to deal with them right away before they become an issue (without overreacting).

Haha for sure. It's so funny when passive-aggressive people or straight-up tools get called out on their behavior. Their response is exactly like you said, some sort of "bro just chill, we're joking" or even "why so defensive?"

These people know exactly what they're doing. Too bad they're too incompetent to realize how tryhard and low status they really look.

Not necessary, you don't owe anything to onlookers, although I have to say I am curious why you need this, this is a genuine question, is it because you feel you need social frame to make a move? In other words is it necessary for you to be judged as the "good" party? This is a conditioned thing I believe , a legacy from our conditioning which is about what we should or should not do. Be "good" boys.

I believe in this event it is better to just assume authority.. especially because you are a big muscular guy. When you assume that frame others will recognize it. Real power cannot be given, it must be taken (Godfather quote). Congruence is needed as well ofcourse.

I believe you also feel like you need on some level "permission" to act, perhaps I am wrong, but because of the skeptical face you wanted to make for onlookers..

I tend to do the opposite usually, also when opening girls you will also see some guy look or stare at you, psychologically try to get you to fail, sometimes I stare at them back with a piercing stare (not long enough to lose engagement with the girl) and usually they back down because they know they are mingling with something which they are not part of. I assume authority, otherwise will lose a lot of opportunities!

I mean... yeah pretty much haha. I'm surprised at how perceptive you've been with your responses, that's pretty cool that you have that type of instinct on this stuff.

But yes you're right, especially the part you said about being judged as the "good party" and the "permission to act" hits the nail on the head. Those are two things that have been deeply conditioned in me because of my considerate -esque upbringing that I'm continually trying to de-program.

I also think it's wanting to retain the moral high ground should worse come to worse and the situation escalates. Then when it's time to make my argument I can paint myself as being the one in the right or being the good guy without losing face or reputation, or at least minimizing the damages to them. I never realized that consciously though until you just pointed it out.

I love that part about assuming authority. Reminds me of assume attraction.

I think I'm slowly starting to see the benefits of certain frames and mindsets, even though "objectively" reality might not always agree.

Like a girl might not actually be attracted to you, but you're better off assuming attraction anyways because of how that frame makes you carry yourself and behave.

I'm going to start integrating that frame of assuming authority with me everywhere I go. I feel that will amplify my assertiveness and frame control ten-fold, thank you for this.

@Terms

I had a feeling someone would fault me for using two pieces of equipment haha. The thing is, the gym wasn't very crowded, at least not in that area of the gym. Also, the rowing machine I was using is 5-10 steps behind the adjustable bench. Furthermore, that's another reason why I'm open to letting people work in with me, so long as they ask and are polite, not taking it upon themselves to impose.

As I mentioned earlier, this is my reasoning for thinking it was a passive-aggressive challenge/AMOG attempt:

Also, the three of them were literally using an incline bench themselves and could've easily done those bodyweight extensions on the edge of their incline bench, yet decided to do them off of mine... hmmm.

I appreciate your input though. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

 

[Terms]

I had a feeling someone would fault me for using two pieces of equipment haha. The thing is, the gym wasn't very crowded, at least not in that area of the gym. Also, the rowing machine I was using is 5-10 steps behind the adjustable bench. Furthermore, that's another reason why I'm open to letting people work in with me, so long as they ask and are polite, not taking it upon themselves to impose.

As I mentioned earlier, this is my reasoning for thinking it was a passive-aggressive challenge/AMOG attempt:


I appreciate your input though. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

Its not faulting you for using two pieces of equipment, its about understanding what you're communicating to others by doing so.

I personally would interpret them working in between your sets and being out of the way when you return as them being polite and well within gym norms, they're conscious that you're using two pieces of equipment and not interrupting your flow. To me they impose or act rude/disrespectful if the bench is unavailable when I come back to it (allowing the last person on it to finish their set and move out the way), or if they leave it gross and sweaty.

So long as they're staying out of your way, there's no reason for them to ask your permission, which is implied by your action of using two pieces of equipment IMO.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

Its not faulting you for using two pieces of equipment, its about understanding what you're communicating to others by doing so.

I personally would interpret them working in between your sets and being out of the way when you return as them being polite and well within gym norms, they're conscious that you're using two pieces of equipment and not interrupting your flow. To me they impose or act rude/disrespectful if the bench is unavailable when I come back to it (allowing the last person on it to finish their set and move out the way), or if they leave it gross and sweaty.

So long as they're staying out of your way, there's no reason for them to ask your permission, which is implied by your action of using two pieces of equipment IMO.

I think I see what you're trying to say. But again, the fact they could've easily used their own bench instead of mine is what communicated to me this was a posturing/AMOG attempt.

Plus, it's basic gym etiquette to ask someone's permission anyways to communicate courtesy and respect.

Let's use another example that should more clearly illustrate my interpretation of the situation.

Let's pretend you're in the power rack doing squats and there's a pullup bar there (as there usually is inside power racks).

On the power rack next to you, you see 3 guys doing whatever exercise (squats, curls, bench presses, etc. doesn't matter). When you step away from your power rack to grab a drink or for whatever reason, you look back and you see those three guys taking turns doing pull-ups inside the power rack you're currently using and overall being all up in your space/territory.

Now you know they just as easily could be using the pullup bar in their own power rack to do pullups, and you're not obstructing them or preventing them or making them wait from doing that exercise in any way, yet for some weird reason, they decide to get all up in your power rack and start doing pull-ups there. And you know they know that you're using that power rack because they're working in the rack right next to yours. And you also have weight on the bar for your squats. Oh and you also have all your stuff there (water bottle, warm-up equipment, etc.)

Then you come over and clearly communicate that you're still using that power rack. After that, two of the three guys stop getting inside your power rack whenever you step away. However, you continue to notice the one guy (Mr. Alpha) continuing to do pullups in your power rack every single time you step away from it, even though you clearly communicated that you're using it.

Are you still going to tell me it's not an AMOG/posturing attempt and that I'm inconsiderate and "above the rules" for stepping away from my power rack when my stuff is all there and when they also have access to a pullup bar themselves in the power rack they're using...?

 

[Alpha13SC]

not sure about this. OP mentions that he felt at a gut level that the other dude was challenging him. This also quite confirms it "Also, the three of them were literally using an incline bench themselves and could've easily done those bodyweight extensions on the edge of their incline bench, yet decided to do them off of mine... hmmm."

DK I understand what you're saying, because I also use machine in the pause of others without asking, sometimes because I know that guy can't do shit. So let's say I m on the other side. But this is not an attempt to dominate him. It's just that I don't give a fuck. The thing is that, who he is searching for a fight, mostly he will get it. So it may be a possibility for misunderstanding due to the competitive dynamics in the gym and the mental space he could be in.

 

[Terms]

Those small benches around the dumbbells are often casually used by multiple people. Its not really the same thing as this other example.

If I'm bouncing between equipment and someone jumps on a dumbbell bench when I'm away and gets out of the way when I come back, I'm not even noticing it. Doesn't affect me in any way at all, so I couldn't care less. Maybe they have a reason I'm not aware of, maybe they're clueless, maybe they're indeed being passive aggressive (which just makes them weak), who knows, I don't give a shit, because it doesn't affect my workout.

To the title of the thread, I think you're overthinking it. That your fear that you'd "look weak/like a pushover" is causing you to react to a nothing-burger, which is a display of weakness. Let me state that twice. . . fears of looking weak will cause you to actually act weak. Not giving a shit about things that aren't affecting you is always the strongest move.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

Those small benches around the dumbbells are often casually used by multiple people. Its not really the same thing as this other example.

Not sure what kind of gyms you've lifted in, but the only time I see a bench used by multiple rotating in and out is if they're training together as a small group, or if they didn't know each other before, but one guy asked to work in with the other.

It is not normal for people to casually jump in on a piece of equipment especially if they know someone else is using it (and especially if they're a stranger whom you've never exchanged words with before) unless they ask you first if it's okay for them to work in. Not doing so is a violation of gym social norms/gym etiquette.

The person who does that either looks clueless and socially oblivious (in that environment, at least) like they don't "get it", or they are doing it on purpose as some sort of passive-aggressive posturing in an attempt to "out alpha you."

Now, had I used that bench to do a set or two, then stood around and chit-chatted with my buddies and didn't touch it for 5-10 minutes at a time, and other people are wanting to use it, then yeah I would be the asshole big time.

This actually happened to me once the summer after I graduated high school. There was a group of middle-aged hillbillies who were chubby as f*ck and didn't make an ounce of progress in terms of results because all they would do is chit-chat at the gym and treat it mainly as social time.

Well, I had wanted to do incline dumbbell pressing and although I saw them using it earlier, they hadn't touched it in like 10 minutes so I assumed they were done. As soon as I go over and plop down, one of them says "hey bud, we're actually using that."

I was young and far less socially skilled than I am now, and foolishly responded with something like"It'll just take a minute" or "I only got a few sets" and then the dude got irked and was like "psshhh that's bullshit." I don't remember what I responded with, I think something again along the lines of "my set won't take very long or I'm just trying to do a quick set or two" and he was like "well when we want to use it/do our sets then you better not be there when we're ready."

I had the moral high ground in this situation ten-fold. Had something like this happened as I am now, I would be sure to let them know they were being inconsiderate assholes by claiming they're using a piece of equipment when really they're more concerned about chit-chatting while trying to hog a piece of equipment and prevent others from using it.

It is poor gym etiquette and an asshole/douchebag thing to hog a piece of equipment and not touch it for 10 minutes while you chit-chat, and then get irked/annoyed when someone else wants to use it.

I was not like this guy. I was resting 60 seconds between sets and was hauling ass. By the time I finished one set of exercise, changed out the plates or dumbbells, and grabbed a quick sip of water from my water bottle that was at the station, it was time to do my next set of the other exercise.

If I'm bouncing between equipment and someone jumps on a dumbbell bench when I'm away and gets out of the way when I come back, I'm not even noticing it. Doesn't affect me in any way at all, so I couldn't care less. Maybe they have a reason I'm not aware of, maybe they're clueless, maybe they're indeed being passive aggressive (which just makes them weak), who knows, I don't give a shit, because it doesn't affect my workout.

What your standards are for what behavior you will and won't tolerate from others is up to you and you alone broski. I personally don't like it when people do passive-aggressive posturing/dominance plays like that. But to each his own.

To the title of the thread, I think you're overthinking it. That your fear that you'd "look weak/like a pushover" is causing you to react to a nothing-burger, which is a display of weakness. Let me state that twice. . . fears of looking weak will cause you to actually act weak. Not giving a shit about things that aren't affecting you is always the strongest move.

There's a kernel of truth there. I probably overanalyzed the f*ck out of this situation, but I respectfully disagree that this was a nothing-burger. It was more a "nitpick burger" if anything.

And yeah, you're right bro. I'm still in my asshole/assertiveness phase and haven't passed through it yet to reach genuine man/noble king territory so I'm naturally a little more sensitive to these types of things because I don't want them to turn into habits.

And as I said before, it affected me. The dude's greasy-ass palms were all over the bench where my head and hair were when doing my exercise. I don't want a stranger's perspiration all up in my hair, but that's just me. Plus, we're still not technically done with COVID and that's increasing the odds of spreading it/me getting it.

And he did obstruct me. I was done with rows and ready to go over to do dumbbell incline and he was still doing his exercise while I had to wait for him to be done... That's when I told him I'm still using it and should've also said I didn't want him using it/all up in my space until I'm done.

Anyways, it seems we can't see eye-to-eye on this so we're gonna have to agree to disagree. That's okay we can still get along though and I appreciate your input nonetheless so thank you for that.

 

[Will_V]

I encountered a novel situation that felt "off"/weird the other day at the gym and I could use your guys' thoughts and opinions on it.

Context​

I've been going to this gym for about a year now and have gotten to know the owners pretty well, and made friends/acquaintances with many other gym-goers, the guys who are stronger and more respected at the gym. I've gotten my fair share of looks/admiration/compliments from other gym-goers so I know I have value to offer in this environment. I've been lifting ever since I was in high school so I've built a good level of muscle mass and strength.

The Situation​

I was using one of the adjustable benches to do some seated dumbbell shoulder presses and incline dumbbell bench presses. However, I was alternating back and forth between incline presses and chest-supported rows as the rowing machine is 5 feet or so behind the bench.

Throughout the course of my workout, there were 3 guys working on the incline bench next to me doing incline curls and whatnot training their arms that day. It was one guy who was "coaching" the two young bucks, (who were clearly in their teens). Not sure if the "leader" was in high school himself (he looked/sounded older, like at least in his 20s but you can never know for sure).

Anyways, I just finished up a set of incline dumbbell presses, and I left my water bottle on the seat and also had the dumbbells resting on the floor in front of the bench as a way to signal the bench was occupied. Also, these guys were working right next to me, and I know they saw me using the incline bench too (I caught them mirin’ from my peripherals while I was doing seated shoulder presses earlier).

As I finish a set of chest-supported rows and then go to put some more weight on the machine, I suddenly saw all three of those guys taking turns doing triceps extensions on my bench. I saw this go down as I was putting weights on the row machine and had a skeptical look on my face as if to say "do these guys not know I'm using that bench?"

At first, I thought maybe they didn’t know I was still using that bench (which seemed weird because I was just using it next to them as I said earlier) and figured if they saw me walk over and clearly sit down on the bench then maybe they would get the hint this time. As I walked over to the bench after finishing loading up more weight on the rowing machine, I make direct eye contact with one of the young bucks who then had this look of "oh shit someone was using this and I overstepped."

I didn't say anything, I just let my eye contact and nonverbals do the work. This wasn't the main issue though. It's with the guy who was "coaching" them, their "leader" if you will haha.

I finish another set of incline presses, and as I proceed to walk towards the rowing machine (again, which is like 5 feet behind the bench), I see the “leader” taking it upon himself to do bodyweight triceps extensions using the edge of the bench where I put my head on dumbbell presses. I KNOW he knows I'm using that bench because they clearly saw me walk over and sit down on it, and do a set of dumbbell presses. Also, none of the young bucs worked in this time, they backed off once they saw me walk over and clearly signal I was using the bench. Only this "leader" guy.

Because of this, I interpreted his actions as some weird sort of dominance play or "challenge" in the form of territory. It felt like he was trying to AMOG me passive-aggressively by imposing himself on a piece of equipment that I was clearly using without even asking me if it's okay first which goes against proper gym etiquette, hence why I was a little irked by this.

My gut instinct felt something was off and I immediately felt this was a dominance/AMOG move and I knew I couldn’t just ignore it/pretend I didn't notice him doing sets when my back was turned or I’d look weak/like a pushover.

This time, after I finished my set of chest rows, I walked over and got right next to him in his space and told him point-blank “I’m still using that.”

He acts a little flustered and stutters “uhh. What?” while huffing and puffing from his set. I repeat “I'm still using that.” And look at him with piercing eye contact and an emotionless facial expression.

He stuttered like he wasn't sure how to respond before finally muttering out “uhhh. Ummm. Yeah you good man.” like a deer caught in the headlights. I then proceed to sit down on the bench and inhabit it like it’s my territory.

I think he was taken aback because I saw him staring at me out of my peripherals like he was butt-hurt after I said that to him. Not sure if he’s just socially retarded/uncalibrated enough to realize that was improper gym etiquette, but it felt like a clear dominance play/AMOG attempt, albeit in a passive-aggressive way. I'm much bigger and stronger than him so I don't think he had the balls to challenge me directly/overtly, hence this weird "invading my territory" thing.

Here's the weird part: I thought after saying something he would stop. Except he didn't... He still proceeded to do his bodyweight triceps extensions on the bench I was using without even asking me if it was cool. This is why I believe this was some weird alpha/dominance play. However, now he clearly waited for me to be done (and I make sure to take my time resting on the bench, and standing near it to grab a sip of water again to signal this was my space) and only went over to the bench when my back was turned and I was doing sets of rows like he was sneaking around trying to not get caught by me again.

At this point, I let it go and didn't confront him about it again, although I wish I would have. I truly didn't like the fact that he was putting his sweaty palms on the edge of the bench where my head would be when I lay down and do a set of dumbbell incline presses, and I didn't like how he didn't formally ask me if I was cool with him working in.

Just to be clear, had he ASKED ME if he could do those bodyweight triceps extensions while I was doing sets of rows, then I would've been cool with it. I don't like how he imposed himself to start using a piece of equipment that he knew was occupied without even asking first. Hence, this is why I interpreted it as disrespect/a social challenge, or a passive-aggressive dominance move.

Overall, my gut instinct told me this was some type of subtle AMOG attempt or territory social challenge. That’s what I felt at first, but then I thought maybe this guy is just young and retarded and doesn’t understand proper gym etiquette (like that you ask someone if they’re using something before taking it upon yourself to impose all up in his space and on his equipment).

Also, the three of them were literally using an incline bench themselves and could've easily done those bodyweight extensions on the edge of their incline bench, yet decided to do them off of mine... hmmm.

This whole ordeal might seem petty, but I’m still trying to break some bad habits from childhood and social conditioning about not being a pushover and being more assertive, and I don't want to get into the habit of ignoring little situations like these, because I don't want that to become a habit.

My questions are:​

1. Was this a dominance attempt/territory social challenge in the form of imposing on the space/equipment I was using without asking first?
2. Was my course of action and the way I confronted him weak/making me look sort of like a pushover or was it good enough? If it was a weak response, what would be a better way to respond to these types of situations in the future?

I'd appreciate any and all input, so don't be afraid to chime in with your read on the situation and/or suggestions. Feel free to let em' rip!

Thanks again guys,

- Emerald

I think the response was fine and good.

I've always considered a towel or water bottle on a piece of equipment to mean 'occupied don't use', this is the normal etiquette that is stuck to in all the gyms I've ever been in. Everybody knows it's impolite to jump in on someone's place when they go off to take a drink or something. Many times I've either asked someone or been asked if we can alternate sharing the equipment, that's the way to do it and get to know other people at the same time.

Gyms are always a place where guys will try to psych eachother out a bit with body language and such, that's fine and normal, but jumping in on an obviously occupied spot is a little bit of an aggression. If there really was no other option, then it could be taken as a prompt like 'dude stop taking up all the space' but seems like it wasn't the case.

It was so clearly a violation the guy couldn't keep his buddies in his frame against one person.

 

[hey_lover]

As a fellow gym goer and also having worked in one. Best etiquette is to let other people use the equipment you're using if you're also using another piece of equipment. This is doubly true when it's peak period and availability is limited.

Most people tend to stick to one equipment at a time in which case it's your prerogative to allow someone to share with you or not. However, when using two pieces of equipment, it's fair for someone else to use it when it's not being occupied. In the end, they had as much right to the bench as you did when you vacated and your water bottle is not an occupant.

If you left your water bottle and went for a toilet break and came back. You tell them you're still using it and they should concede. But don't make the mistake of thinking that they know what your intentions are. Countless time I see a bench and a water bottle. I'll look around and ask to see if someone is using it. If I don't hear in the affirmative then I will use the equipment. If someone turns up soon after then I will give way but I won't not use it just beause of the bottle.

If you left the bottle and I saw you using a different machine. Then I definitely will move it and use the equipment. Not in a confrontational way but one that shows we can both use it together.

 

[Rakehell]

Think Gunwitch told me don’t assume malice where stupidity fits the mold.