This is pretty common among guys. Its why I prefer to spend my time around women.
It’s pretty inevitable for guys to get into “who’s the bigger man” dick swinging competitions. I feel like you can either play, or be above it, but it’s pretty much inevitable.
I choose not to spend my time around guys like that, even though I know how to play, and win at it Lol. Less energy expended.
If you’re in groups where you’re clearly well respected and don’t necessarily engage in it, guys tend not to do it as much. & when they do usually it’s guys you’re cool with and have that dynamic with because it’s also important not to take yourself too serious.
Alot of times when it’s uncalibrated, people will defend you anyway, especially chicks.
In situations like this tho where it’s a guy you’re kind of cool with but not in the sense where you joke around like that, I just wouldn’t give em any value till he starts shaping up. Brush it off and ignore from that point on.
Yeah for sure. I'm beginning to find myself a lot more irked when socializing with men nowadays as more and more of them seem to exhibit low levels of social awareness and calibration.
I think part of it is projection. We try to better ourselves socially by participating in this forum, reading the material, buying products, and going out and practicing deliberately to level ourselves up socially. It's easy to project that on other men when in reality most men are not as socially ambitious and don't care to self-improve themselves much, if at all.
Some good answers here already.
Main thing I would point out is: taking this kind of stuff too seriously is already a failure of social flexibility. Life is competition. You can't escape it. And everyone knows and senses when someone has cornered themselves by trying to avoid it, whether by defensive or offensive means. For such people there is only the certainty that they will be taken to that corner again and again at the will of others.
In my experience, there is no such thing as a good defense in social situations, there is only preemptive offense. The same way that there are many people who obsess over finding the perfect defensive combat tactics, not realizing that their lack of offense is entirely the problem, there are people who obsess over coming up with the perfect way to react to a neg or tooling or whatever, not realizing that the fact that they are the ones reacting is the problem. As in fighting, when there are no rules, there is no good defense, there is only whoever is most ambitious and willing to win. At some point, if you're still in the interaction, you have to be on the offense.
The thing about offense is, for those people who use their relative willingness to engage in conflict to gain the upper hand, they tend to rely on the defensiveness of the other person to give them room to gauge what they should do next in order to stay on top. But if their victim is unpredictable, and doesn't seem to take them too seriously, and sometimes completely ignores them, and sometimes goes on the offense and ambushes them out of nowhere, they cannot maintain the psychological advantage. It's no longer clear who is playing what role.
My general approach to these things is like this: I like to ignore/not take seriously at first so I can see what their reaction is, this helps me stay calm and unreactive as a habit. If they keep pushing thinking they can take advantage, I will find some way to attack them when they don't expect it. Nothing too much, something on an equal level, something that I find enjoyable and satisfying to do. And then I will reestablish the frame that I want to have with them, such as being polite but a little condescending, not pushing for the advantage like they did. That way they understand that I don't want to squash them, but I will prepare my own plans if things continue and not be simply reacting.
It sounds complicated but it's really not - I think one of the main problems that someone can have socially is not being able to enjoy this kind of social arm wrestling. Nobody is ever good at fighting or competition without enjoying it - unless it is all out war which is almost never the case, and relying on being able to escalate to that is already a weakness and long term strategic failure.
On the social flexibility part... yeah I'm still in my phase of learning how to properly deal with disrespect. I believe Hector has pointed out that you're going to need to be a little more sensitive in the beginning until you get a clearer grasp on what's going on and how to properly deal with it in a powerful way.
Maybe the title of this thread was a little extreme. The only reason I wrote this thread was that it happened again after I thought I'd already addressed it and interpreted it as a ladder-climbing attempt, when in hindsight now it just may be social awkwardness/faux pas.
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy social competition. I've always been a competitive dude since I was a kid. I like to WIN. It's the subtle, passive-aggressive stuff that irks me because I tend to be direct in confrontation and when I see other men trying to be underhanded and subtle and passive-aggressive I tend to lose respect for them as I view this as womanly behavior.
I'd rather another man be upfront and face me head-on if they have a problem. Unfortunately, with men's testosterone levels being so low nowadays, this is probably expecting too much of my fellow man.
Noted on the strategy of being unpredictable. That sounds right up my alley. I'll keep that in mind going forward, so thank you for this.
Quick question....IS there an age difference? If there is roll with it... "kid" is pretty benign. i think you risk more being overly sensitive about labels than being seen as less of a man from someone else's nickname for you...
This reminds me of a few examples of folks using "pet names" for people they would meet. One of the "Greatest Generation" who was friends of my grandparents called every guy he met "Buck" and every woman he met "Doll". It was his schtick and folks thought him charming for it.
One strategy is to agree and amplify. Ask him if that makes him "Play" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kid_'n_Play
Kid 'n Play is an American hip-hop duo from New York City that was most popular in the late 1980s and early 1990s. The duo was composed of Christopher Reid ("Kid") and Christopher Martin ("Play") working alongside their DJ, Mark "DJ Wiz" Eastmond. Besides their musical careers, they are also notable for branching out into acting.
Another approach is calling him "Pops" when he calls you "kid" . I think you missed the boat on this because you acted butt hurt when he said it. Now it would just be antagonistic...
Yeah, there is an age difference. He's younger than me by several years which is why I found it to be weird and/or potentially condescending/patronizing. I've had older men call me stuff like "kid" or "son" and it never bothered me much lol. I figured they were being fatherly and didn't mind it.
I'll keep the agree and amplify in mind. Also lol at kid 'n play. He'd probably be so lost if I called him Play ha.
The fact that this affected you and you responded so badly means he got what he wanted and it made you look weaker than him.
Take everything to be abit of fun. I made another post about this - but the best thing you could have is taking it to be a loser dude trying to pull one on you and having a laugh to yourself and responding to him with “Huh?” while smiling, like you couldn’t hear him.
Then if he repeats himself, say “HUH??” With your hand cupped again.
It would tool him in a huge way and you’ll have a laugh about it and move on.
I’m almost certain this terrible behaviour happened in America.
When I tried to make it a weird thing he said, he got uncomfortable and acted a little submissive by backtracking and replacing kid with mister so not sure how that made me look weak... but anyways I think I see where you're coming from.
isn't this a board about dating???? wtf does this have to do with anything?
like I get thinking tactics or attraction things in life, but man did anyone else even hear him call you that? just go to a different gym than lol
Bro... social dominance and respect are a huge part of dating. And going to another gym over something passive-aggressive and petty isn't practical.
yup that's important to know. I had a guy once call me kid a lot and then I called him out on it and said because im older than him and he stopped...
if he is like 3-4 years older or whatever not a big deal KID
Yeah man that's why I interpreted it as an undermining attempt. I'm several years older than him. Anyways, I potentially overreacted and see now that my original read of him making a faux pas/being a little awkward is what seems to be going on here.
A long time ago I figured out the way to deal with people using patronizing names was to use equally patronizing names back:
"What's up kid?"YOU:
"What's going on, chief?"HIM:
"How you doing kid?"YOU:
"What's the word, compadre?"HIM:
"Whatchu workin' on kid?"YOU:
"Ah, you know, same old same old. 'Bout you buddy?"
You can get your head all in a twist trying to deeply analyze what the guy is doing and try to guess his motivations and whatnot.
In my experience 99% of the time it is a guy trying a new tactic out and overusing it on everyone. I used to have guys in college who weren't doing this suddenly start doing it, then notice they were doing it to everyone. Everyone they talked to was "chief" or "sport" or whatever.
They probably watched some movie with a character talking like that or read something about ways to be more dominant or something and decided they were just going to talk to everyone that way.
It's just some thing they're doing. It doesn't really reflect on you. If they do it to you and the feedback they get is non-hostile but also doesn't make them feel good, they realize it isn't producing the desired effect and end up knocking it off.
Just keep a reserve kit of friendly-but-fatherly words to bust out for those occasions:
Also worth noting that you can use these in an authority figure role or have them used on you by an authority and they should not be taken as condescending. e.g., if you're in your martial arts dojo, and the sensei calls you "champ" or "pal" or "amigo", it's not an amog battle, he is just showing care to you from a position of authority.
If it's some guy who's not in an authority role, though, it's either a long-time habit of his he does with everyone (I do know one guy who calls everyone "buddy"... every conversation with him starts with "what's up, buddy?"... you just accept that as the way he talks), or he's trying something new out and committing a faux pas.
Fai enough. I really like that approach. Makes you look the least defensive without coming off as a pushover.
This isn't the first time I've run into patronizing nicknames and although it's kind of irked me (because I wasn't sure what their intentions were), I've never had a solid way to handle them, but now I will just mirror them and use equally patronizing nicknames back.
This older woman at my work loves to call me "darling" haha but I haven't taken that the wrong way.
Also, interesting tidbit about authority figures using this on you. I've had several managers at work call me "boss" and although I assumed it was coming from a place of care, I didn't know for sure. Good to know that if an authority figure uses it on you, to not take it the wrong way because they're showing care for you.
Cheers for the suggestions.
Thanks for all the responses gentlemen, I appreciate all of your feedback. I think I've got this one handled now. I'll try to work on not getting so sensitive and getting my head twisted up analyzing what other people's motivations are, and try to give them the benefit of the doubt in that they're more likely than not committing some faux pas.