Anxiety, Insecurity, and Self-Pity... Galore

[Joy]

Please forgive the self-pity, but here we go:

I've recently been friend-zoned buy a girl I happen to have really liked [I moved too slow, missed all windows, I chased, and all the usual stuff]. While on the one hand I was glad the uncertainty of it all was gone, I quickly discovered I fell into a huge pit of anxiety, depression, and self pity. The original infatuation was great but now this crash is ridiculous! I even wake up feeling miserable because of constant anxiety which only goes away whenever I hang out with this girl [This is actually a first time for me when a girl gave me anti-approach anxiety as in I felt anxious if I didn't try to push things forward]. This has been going on for about a month. While I "agreed" to be friends I generally cut much of the original contact. We still have to see each-other twice a week because we have two lectures together but the truth is I genuinely like spending time with this girl and I don't want to cut her out of my life completely.

I tried going out and meeting new girls as per Chase's recommendation in his "Can't Stop Thinking About Her" article but I'm depressed, anxious, and unmotivated. Thus, my game is shit and I feel the associated results push me further down the rabbit hole. I push myself to work out harder at the gym and in sports, I try to be more sociable, i hang out with friends but nothing helps. At times it feels as if I am utterly unworthy of love and appreciation. Heck I don't even want the girl as my girl anymore (although as cool as I think she is, it would be totally great) - now I'd just be glad to be cool with myself and have my confidence, self respect, and "mojo" back.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? How do I handle these perpetual feelings of insecurity? How do I get back on the proverbial horse? I'm not even talking about getting this girl back [although I would like that] - I know enough to know that she's lost to me. I just want a way out of this little shit-hole I'm in and find a cool, smart, sexy, confident, and challenging girl ... and win.

Thank you,
- Joy.

 

[Glitch]

Meeting new girls is normally the usual cure.

However when I was still learning the ropes I was just the usual social circle kid. If meeting new girls didn't help then I would just 100% focus on myself and not give a damn about anybody else. Refusing requests and just doing the things I enjoyed. Many if not all of them were solitary activities such as learning music, competative sports (Sports I always try to beat 'myself').

This isolation just cools you off and lets you think things over and provides a place where you can put all your emotions into, whether it be a punch bag or musical piece. After that you realise it's not the end all and be all. After that I was back to myself, this usually also piqued the girl as they wondered why I was not fussed about it and curious if I was on to better greens mainly it wasn't the case (abundance).

Just take care of yourself, then get back to the grind.

Glitch

 

[Mr.Rob]

Your little situation is exactly how I stumbled across GC back in December of 2012.

Like almost identical, except the girl I was infatuated with I had had a crush on for 4 years so my was probably more intense than yours.

All I have to say is cut contact. It's going to be awkward hanging out when you're still in the stages of recovering from chasing and her being weirded out. If you still want to be friends upgrade yourself and come back in a year when you have more of an abundance mentality and have been dating around more. I'm still friends with this girl and were cool.

Also cut contact if you're having anxiety, insecurity, and self pity because your just going to be a toxic waste of emotion and if you want to remain friends with this girl you definitely don't want to spread those shitty emotions.

For me it took me about a month and a half to completely get over the initial anxiety and self-pity of being rejected. You know what my motivation was and still is to this day? NEVER FEELING THOSE SHITTY FEELING AGAIN. I hated that month and half it was the worst depression I had experienced at that point in my life and I wanted to get out and never go back. That was my motivation. How do you make sure you never go back to those shitty feelings. Easy. Achieve abundance.

You have to crawl out of the quicksand of self-pity and fight for how you want/deserve to feel. The shit is a battle and until you go out and start meeting new women you'll probably remain right where you are. I knew deep down I wanted to have control over my dating life and even though I really really didn't want to go out approach girls and get rejected I knew I didn't really have much of a choice either way. Otherwise I'd be doomed to be a loser stuck masturbating in my closet.

Essentially I burned my boats (excuses) so it was either fight or die. I suggest you do the same since it sounds like you're going to be playing the game on symmetric returns which won't ever amount to shit unless you get lucky. But in all reality do you really want to have to rely on luck and be a normal unsexy nice guy that lives in scarcity?

https://www.girlschase.com/content/picking-girls-and-game-asymmetric-returns

 

[Drck]

I went through it several times. My first one lasted 2 years. At first I just liked her, it was only a fun. She was pretty, very smart, outgoing, we flirted here and there, spent time together. I think she liked me a lot too. Then I start thinking about her more and more, start dreaming about her, my feelings for just turned into flames. I had no idea what to do, had no seduction knowledge, and because of my high feelings for her I couldn’t find my balls to make a move. When I was around her it was the highest feelings I’ve ever experienced. Her attraction of course dropped, she slowly began to avoid me, shifted me into “friend zone”. I suffered, I was randomly seeing her here and there and that was even worse.


Those two years were the most miserable days of my life, I couldn’t stop thinking about her, when I went to sleep I had her image my mind, when I woke up I was saying her name. I tried to focus on another girls, that didn’t help. Even after 2 years there were days that I wanted to cry, I just didn’t know what to do. So one day I simply wrote her an email, just as “a friend”. She of course was not stupid, she knew right away. She replied, was nice about it, and simply said she has no feelings for me. Although I knew it, it was such relieve and I was finally free of all those emotions.

Then there were others after her, but with each one the pain was just less and less. I gain some seduction knowledge, and my brain just got “used to the pain”.

I was lucky with the last one that I fell in love, we actually spent a lot of time together, many months. It wasn’t as intensive as before, I knew lots of seduction stuff, but I still couldn’t fully control my emotions. Same story: I started to think about her more and more, started dreaming about her… Then I was having all these feelings, and because of these feelings I was unable to make a move – even though I knew exactly when to move. I had no balls just because of those feelings. I couldn’t focus on other girls either, and some where quite hot and open to me. They simply ceased to exist.


Because I spent so much time with her I actually discovered one very peculiar thing: Thinking and dreaming about her created an “image of her” in my mind. Closer to the end, I realized that I was “in love” with that image of her - but not with the actual person. That was very weird. I was just so tired of being around that real person, yet I was still “in love” with the image of her when she wasn’t around.


But the pain is good, in long term the pain is your friend. Learn from this experience, don’t try to avoid it. Embrace the pain, take it like a man. Next time, you’ll need abundance mentality BEFORE you fall in love, once you are in love it won’t help you much because you simply don’t care about the other women no matter how hot they are. You need to learn signals that she is not interested. She is giving away a lot of signals like that, and once you recognize them you simply have to cut her off early, stop chasing her, stop thinking about her – otherwise you’ll suffer a lot again. If you have abundance mentality before you fall in love, you can actually cut her off early with no problems and no pain...

 

[Eternity]

Shit. I'm going through this again now. Found out the girl I fell for has a kid. I can never hope to date her . Only options would be a beta provider or an affair if she gets married, since i think she's a single mom. Feeling very hurt and indifferent to anything right now. Wish i was drunk...

Joy- You might have a chance in the future but it will come only with abundance mentality not how you are right now sadly.

 

[Marty]

Found out the girl I fell for has a kid. I can never hope to date her. Only options would be a beta provider or an affair

I don't understand... why not? Why would she think less of you now that you know she has offspring? What indication if any has she actually given you that you would be expected to "provide" for her?

Chin up, Eternity The bearing of children is why we exist on this Earth. Who's to say she won't give you one, too, if you want it?

Disconcerting to see you so sad. If she's reasonable (which I'm sure she is, if you love her) then she'll respect you the more for dating her when she has responsibilities of her own. Hope to see a smile on your face soon

 

[Eternity]

Point of pride Marty. I think less of her now. This might bring it to perspective : http://www.returnofkings.com/31153/8-essential-rules-for-banging-a-single-mom

Sadly, I've seen this happen to friends. Not going that way in life man. Plus, party girls or ex party girls always bring headaches and other men to the mix.

 

[Marty]

Hey Eternity,

Sadly, I've seen this happen to friends. Not going that way in life man.

That's a perfectly reasonable position to take: in fact, I don't much care for other people's children either. I think the article you linked gives sensible advice on the whole, albeit in a somewhat colorful tone, and I think if I found myself in a similar situation I'd avoid a serious relationship too. Much in the same way as if a (new) girl is too old (let's say 32+), she's okay for a fling, but nothing too long-term... I'd apply the same principle for ladies with children (other than my own of course). Probably. It's hard to say until it happens.

However... in that case, I don't really see why you're "feeling very hurt". I was trying to cheer you up and comfort you because you said you "can never hope to date her". Turns out you can date her, you just don't want to. So why do you care?

-Marty

 

[Eternity]

Feelings. There's always one girl you remember the most when you look back and take this path. Guess Drck put it into perfect words- I was in love with the image i had created of her. I cannot date her because she has responsibilities and baggage. Maybe, if i knew what i know now , me and her would've at least slept together and dated or something. This is why I am hurt, my chance passed me by and not even with tight game i can bring time back.
Besides, it's not like I talk to her or anything of the sort. I'm sure i am the last person in her mind right now. Tnx for trying to cheer me up!