Anxious Attachment & Quarantine Stories

Greco

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
19
Hi guys, long time reader of GirlsChase here, and have been practising pick up for like 3 years actively. Before that I had two girlfriends and another 2 sexual encounters.

Anyway fast forward to now, I've found myself quarantined while I had started dating a girl for like 2 months. Recently, I've learned more about attachment theories and how the affect people in relationships. Actually Chase prompted me with his primer on attachment styles, and I became interested in learning more about this stuff.

AN INTERESTING EPISODE FROM MY LIFE AS A STUDENT OF THE SOCIAL ARTS

In his article Chase says that he has witnessed guys become needy when their girlfriends dumped them, and his thoughts were more like "Okay, he's not that experienced, when he become better at picking girls, he will better at replacing them and be more calm - less needy." And that it's what I thought about myself when I crumbled to my knees when my two girlfriends left me. Well, my second girlfriend was a full blown narcissist who cut through me like timber, so I fell into depression along with the other stuff. So, I said to myself ok, if I become a skilled seducer, I'll never feel like this again.

So I started training on the art of seduction and make myself a more of attractive man. I stayed disciplined and never dated more than 2-3 times with a girl, despite most of the being quite cute/beautiful because I had a goal to become better and didn't want to get sidetracked by complacency. Never friends with benefits.

Two summers back, I found myself overpining and obsessing over a girl I had sex on two occasions. She was love at first sight, but still very fresh. It didn't worked out (she cheated her boyfriend with me, and various things happened....it's an interesting and funny story for another time, but what Chase says here worked like a charm.)

I said to myself, you just don't have absolute abundance, keep grinding grasshoper. And I got over this girl (And I'm very glad I did..!).

THE CONCERT GIRL WHO STUNNED ME

Last summer, I went to a concert and suddenly..boom! She was waiting to buy a beer, and I as soon as I saw her walked to her like hypnotized. I was really nervous, which usually I'm not that much cause, Ive done a lot of approaches, but simultaneously a voice inside my head said "Dude, you have to talk to her!!". I couldn't open with something so I did something sneaky:

She had just noticed me standing behind her, and she turned her body slightly towards me facing the stage. Neither me or the bar. I played it like I hadn't noticed her that much and turn to face the staging and "BY MISTAKE" I bumped on her with my hand...hehehe. I said I was sorry. She looks at me, looks at the stage and after a couple of seconds..she tells me "They really suck, right?". That's all I needed, in half an hour I had her phone number and went to my friends to enjoy the concert :D

After a couple of weeks we went out and had first date sex. It went great. But, she was leaving for vacations the next day and happened something Varoon has mentioned before.

WHEN THERE IS NO ESCAPE, YOU DEAL WITH YOUR SELF

It fucked me up. I was constantly thinking of her. I chased her a little bit but after 3-4 failed attempts I told her my needs and cut bait. After 3 months I had just started forgetting her, I met other girls but then she came to the same bar I was with a new date...and you know how it goes, preselection made her warm again. Anyway, I greeted her but then left with my new date to have sex, and it was great actually..! She was quite naughty and I didn't expect it at all! On a funny note, we started having sex, doggy style and noticing the fire insided her, I lean to her ear and whisper: "I'm pretty sure the way you're fucking, you give amazing blowjobs". Damn, she really did.

Anyway, started talking again with the concert girl and we went out..and started dating. She is the girl I'm dating now. Actually we're kinda in a break right now cause of me.

I snapped in quarantine. I got angry for things that haven't happened and to avoid myself being needy. I told her to break up some days ago.

As the break up started to sink in, panic engulfed me. I asked myself what is happening, this is not normal. My appetite was done, depression kicked in overboard and found myself shedding some tears before sleep. Yes, I cracked badly. I felt as bad and maybe more as I was feeling when I broke up with my cluster b ex three years ago.

I said, it can't be happening again, I can't live through this again I'm a changed man, I've tried so hard to learn to replace women, even I like her a lot it must be easier for me than it was 3 years ago.

As it usually happens, in the darkest lairs you may find the brightest treasures. I stopped and analyzed my actions and feelings. I've noticed that I had cut contact with all my friends during quarantined and the only things I did was working, playing music and talking to my girlfriend. I fell into a vicious cycle where I was feeling anxious with my girlfriend and wanted to talk to her more for reassurance and validation, and the more I was looking for that, the more I felt anxious.

And then I realized...this had nothing to do with her. She certainly is somewhat on the avoidant side of the attachment spectrum. But all the out of control feelings I felt (and still feel, but now I recognize them much better), which as Chase & Ricardus has pointed out several times, out of control feelings made you fall in love, were produced by my own thoughts & actions.

And what do I mean about that?

That girl is not that attractive to me cause of her inherent value. I think of her as more attractive as she really is, because I have an anxious attachment style that makes me feel out of control, and my mind reasons that she is the reason I feel out of control, so she must be that good & unique.

But the "out of control feelings" originate from me. I, fearing she will dump me when she showed slightest less interested, was constantly worrying about her and what to do. Over-investing on her not because she asked me to do that or made me. I did it that all by myself.

HOW I REALIZED THAT THE ANXIETY WAS COMING FROM INSIDE

As I was observing my thoughts, I realized that the man who was panicking, was not my present self. I "reached" to past selve who have experienced trauma and visualized them hurting, crying, desperate and without any hope. Then I procceded to visualize my present self going to that past moment, finding my past self alone, hugging him and saying to him..."Bro, we're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine, you will get through this, and I love you". And as if was magic, I felt a warm sensation in my present self. This excited me and I went with it further. I visualized my past self when my father abused me in a way. Not sexual, but he humiliated so hard, that made me feel like a piece of shit. He is a textbook narcissist, haha. And i did it again, my present self comforted my ast self. That kid who didn't knwo how to feel about the humiliation he received from his parent. Tears broke into my eyes, but now it was from relief...!

Through that experience I realized how much anxiously I attach to people and place my value on their acceptance and validation. The quarantine, the isolation, the fact that I stopped drinking, even though I've used alcohol A LOT as an escape route, made this bomb inside me burst. I've recently also started going to therapy to deal with my past traumas, and it is quite eye-opening.

ABSOLUTE ABUNDANCE, GAME, MISSION, INSECURITIES

I don't dare to refute the importance of absolute abundance, learning game and having a mission above all girls. They are crucial and help in many ways with past traumas and boosting self-esteem. But, the caveat is, that they are not a cure for all remedies. I strongly believe that you can be a prolific seducer, but if you have past selves inside you who are hurting and never got through the pain, you will always have chinks in your armor that could make you crumble. In relaxed times, you will be able to suss them out and act out right, the way experience has tought you. But when shit hits the fan, and shit will hit fan a number of times in your life, those pains will overcome your experience and take the rein. Maybe your experience make you deal with it somewhat better, or with more dignity. That doesn't change the fact you've lost it due to undealt past trauma.

SUMMARY

I still talked with this girl. I've used what Chase suggests for reversing past precedent. Told her the quarantined made me snap and was ready to deal with it, but now I know what to do. She's skeptical. Eh, I don't know what will happen, but I'm more calm, cause I know I have a problem I need to deal with directly, cause no matter how many more lays I acquire, these traumatized past selves, will be always around panicking.

So, my suggestion, take care of your past traumas directly, so you can be far better and secure with women. Stay safe in the quarantine and productive.

Cheers, John
 

ieatapples

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
30
Great post! I think I can definitely see some of my issues cropping their heads up during lockdown.
 

Greco

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
19
Don't let them hinder you brother, deal with them. I think there are new levels of hapinness and calmness on the other side for us if we try.
 
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