- Joined
- Mar 1, 2013
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Hey everybody, I realized I hadn't posted anything informative up in a while, I've just been helping with individual problems, and lately, with a lot of the FRs I've been seeing, and a portion of the questions I've seen have all had a root. A lot of newer members have been having a problem with approaching properly, and I am here to pass on a few tips that I've gotten, and a few other bits of information. So, let's get started:
MY PERSONAL STYLE:
I was talking with Tool through PM a few days ago, and we were just chatting, friendly conversation and what not, and I was telling him about my style. My exact words to him were:
Opening:
I used to have a lot of problems and questions about opening, and I gathered every bit of information I could to cover every possible problem I might run in to. Perhaps my biggest set back was, I always felt like I was probing women when I approached, I always felt like women were immediately on alert against me, and I wondered about their mindset upon approach. So, I found out from various sources, and the overall synopsis is: Women may find it shocking that you're approaching them, and may be on guard at first, but it doesn't matter! Tone of voice and my next topic, body language! is absolutely key here.
-Tone of voice ---> This is the first indicator of your intention believe it or not (I find anyway). If you sound like a scientist firing off questions, she'll feel uneasy and will auto-reject. If you ever feel like you're probing her, you probably are. Instead, I find it best to work tone of voice in one of two ways: Interested tone, and Suave tone. An interested tone is something like asking a friend what he got for his birthday, and I find it works best with a direct opener (you'll see me use these all the time in my FRs). I generally will use a suave tone with a compliment (but a sexy compliment), and for an example of a suave tone, think about seductive dirty talk.
-Body Language ---> (MEN) Smiling is absolutely key! It puts people at ease when you smile, and a genuine smile shows up in the eyes via the muscles that are responsible for crows feet as well. Anyway, we all know about the smile. But, how many people know about proper body language and composition. If you open a woman and you're entire body is facing her (feet, chest, head) then you'll come off with a lot of pressure, and it will usually scare her and make her feel uneasy. This is why Chase and everyone else recommends opening from the side, generally I've noticed that my feet are facing perpendicular to her body, my chest is at an angle slightly towards her body, and my head is angled more so towards her. As the conversation rolls along, you can gradually open your body language more, until it's almost face to face dialogue.
(WOMEN) Women will show very subtle body language exactly like a man will. Subtle differences though, women who are interested in you will open their body language faster, they will turn towards you with their feet pointing towards you, chest open, head towards you, and palms up, or hands active with something (sometimes). Pre-conversation though, if a woman is interested or slightly excited by your presence, she'll do something to get your attention, she'll move her feet (almost rhythmically) if you're looking at her feet, or her hands if you're looking at her hands, or! she may look at you and start to twirly her hair, or mess with it... you get the point!
BODY LANGUAGE/ TONE IN CONVERSATION :
I've stated above that I don't rely on just verbal responses from women, I read them, I take in their tone of voice, their word choice, and their body language. Women who use euphonious words (soft sounding words) are generally in a good mood when talking to you opposed to cacophonous words which are harsh sounding. Their word choice will naturally match their mood at the time, if her words sound pleasant, she's probably happy to be talking to you. Also look out for body language, if she's facing away from you and is talking without any seeming feeling, then it's probably best to cut the conversation short, or cut to the chase anyway...
TEASING AND SERIOUSNESS:
---> I work teasing very rigorously, and always happen to transition into something serious at the right time. Generally, it's best to transition between the two, it keeps women on their toes, and shows that you have multiple layers to you. Check out any of my field reports if you need a proper example. I find teasing to work best with establishing frames whether it be sexual or chase frames, I use humor to make it harmless, but at the same time, women still ponder over that tease, so! You'll want to use teasing to put her at ease, establish a frame, and then transition into a deep dive.
---> Likewise, you'll want to throw in a little humor during a deep dive so it doesn't get too tense either. Don't insult her deep dive, instead reward her with a little humor, it freshens up the conversation, allows her to breathe and not be swallowed in the seriousness, and allows you to do the same. Think about it, have you ever had someone talk about something in such a serious way that things end up feeling awkward? Most of the time it's not intentional, and throwing in a little humor allows you to stop that "trap" from superseding.
BREAKING APPROACH ANXIETY:
--->This is probably one of the biggest problems guys run in to when starting out, and it ranges from extremely severe, to mildly inhibiting, and you'll more often than not, slide down the levels gradually until you're relaxed. Now, I took a lot of approaches to breaking this anxiety, and I'm going to list all of them.
1) As Light suggested, you can change your physiology by picking your head up, pulling your shoulders back, puffing your chest out, and walking slowly upon approach to create a mindset of confidence instead of one of anxiety.
2) As Ross suggested, take measures to force yourself to socialize with people. For me, it was having a friend calling me every day telling me to go out and meet women, posting up a reminder on my door that I'd read every morning, and asking for job applications wherever I went. Put yourself in situations where you have to be social and then you're body will adapt. This method is commonly used by cognitive behavioral therapists in dealing with anxiety (usually involved with phobias). What happens is, your body will feel the pressure rising, and it will realize that their is nothing to be afraid of, and your levels of tension will drop sporadically, and will remain low in future situations.
3) I did this myself using principles from psychology (look up counter conditioning, and aversive conditioning). Basically, take an item that makes you happy, or take an item that you love! and simply stand around the girl you want to approach (in a non creepy way.), feel that anxiety build up, and use your item to instead cause a positive emotion. What this does, is, you start to pair women with that positive feeling, and will no longer feel that anxiety upon approach. One of the primary ways your brain learns is by pairing.
4) As Tool and Colt have told me, think about the worst possible outcome, understand it/accept it, and approach knowing what the worst possible result it, thus, if it happens you will have been prepared for it, and it won't bother you nearly as much. Get inside your head, say "FUCK IT" and approach anyway, because, with every failure comes the opportunity to learn!
I recommend combining these, because it provides the best opportunity to break the anxiety. Ultimately what I had to do was see a woman, feel the anxiety build up, and approach anyway. Currently, I'm taking communications in college, and even my professor says you have to be exposed to uncomfort to grow. With women, you have to approach despite your anxiety, and it eventually drops significantly. Approach after approach your anxiety drops and you become so much more smooth.
PRE- OPENING:
This is perhaps one of the biggest problems guys have aside from approach anxiety. I'm writing these two last because they'll be more prevalent in your mind that way. Anyway, pre opening is fairly simple, though you can get complicated and intricate as you progress. I like to keep it simple, and direct. Anyway, pre opening is getting a girl to notice you before you approach her, you want her to see you before you approach at all. I'm going to cover smiling and "floating,"
---> Smiling is exactly that. Noticing a girl out of your peripheral vision, if she's looking your way, tilt your head up, and smile at her. Plain and simple.
---> If she responds with a smile back, this is where you'll want to "float," walk past her for a few minutes, and make your way around her. Be effortless though. If she's in an aisle you can be in without it seeming creepy, then "float" around her. Get close enough to her, but seem like you're looking for something else that just happens to be near her. From time to time, you should see her look your way, and after about a minute, you can direct approach and she'll receive you warmly.
I feel like I may have been unclear on some points, or may have missed something. If I did, I apologize, if you need any clarity, or have any discrepancies, feel free to reply.
Enjoy,
Richard
MY PERSONAL STYLE:
I was talking with Tool through PM a few days ago, and we were just chatting, friendly conversation and what not, and I was telling him about my style. My exact words to him were:
These are things I will be talking about most.
Opening:
I used to have a lot of problems and questions about opening, and I gathered every bit of information I could to cover every possible problem I might run in to. Perhaps my biggest set back was, I always felt like I was probing women when I approached, I always felt like women were immediately on alert against me, and I wondered about their mindset upon approach. So, I found out from various sources, and the overall synopsis is: Women may find it shocking that you're approaching them, and may be on guard at first, but it doesn't matter! Tone of voice and my next topic, body language! is absolutely key here.
-Tone of voice ---> This is the first indicator of your intention believe it or not (I find anyway). If you sound like a scientist firing off questions, she'll feel uneasy and will auto-reject. If you ever feel like you're probing her, you probably are. Instead, I find it best to work tone of voice in one of two ways: Interested tone, and Suave tone. An interested tone is something like asking a friend what he got for his birthday, and I find it works best with a direct opener (you'll see me use these all the time in my FRs). I generally will use a suave tone with a compliment (but a sexy compliment), and for an example of a suave tone, think about seductive dirty talk.
-Body Language ---> (MEN) Smiling is absolutely key! It puts people at ease when you smile, and a genuine smile shows up in the eyes via the muscles that are responsible for crows feet as well. Anyway, we all know about the smile. But, how many people know about proper body language and composition. If you open a woman and you're entire body is facing her (feet, chest, head) then you'll come off with a lot of pressure, and it will usually scare her and make her feel uneasy. This is why Chase and everyone else recommends opening from the side, generally I've noticed that my feet are facing perpendicular to her body, my chest is at an angle slightly towards her body, and my head is angled more so towards her. As the conversation rolls along, you can gradually open your body language more, until it's almost face to face dialogue.
(WOMEN) Women will show very subtle body language exactly like a man will. Subtle differences though, women who are interested in you will open their body language faster, they will turn towards you with their feet pointing towards you, chest open, head towards you, and palms up, or hands active with something (sometimes). Pre-conversation though, if a woman is interested or slightly excited by your presence, she'll do something to get your attention, she'll move her feet (almost rhythmically) if you're looking at her feet, or her hands if you're looking at her hands, or! she may look at you and start to twirly her hair, or mess with it... you get the point!
BODY LANGUAGE/ TONE IN CONVERSATION :
I've stated above that I don't rely on just verbal responses from women, I read them, I take in their tone of voice, their word choice, and their body language. Women who use euphonious words (soft sounding words) are generally in a good mood when talking to you opposed to cacophonous words which are harsh sounding. Their word choice will naturally match their mood at the time, if her words sound pleasant, she's probably happy to be talking to you. Also look out for body language, if she's facing away from you and is talking without any seeming feeling, then it's probably best to cut the conversation short, or cut to the chase anyway...
TEASING AND SERIOUSNESS:
---> I work teasing very rigorously, and always happen to transition into something serious at the right time. Generally, it's best to transition between the two, it keeps women on their toes, and shows that you have multiple layers to you. Check out any of my field reports if you need a proper example. I find teasing to work best with establishing frames whether it be sexual or chase frames, I use humor to make it harmless, but at the same time, women still ponder over that tease, so! You'll want to use teasing to put her at ease, establish a frame, and then transition into a deep dive.
---> Likewise, you'll want to throw in a little humor during a deep dive so it doesn't get too tense either. Don't insult her deep dive, instead reward her with a little humor, it freshens up the conversation, allows her to breathe and not be swallowed in the seriousness, and allows you to do the same. Think about it, have you ever had someone talk about something in such a serious way that things end up feeling awkward? Most of the time it's not intentional, and throwing in a little humor allows you to stop that "trap" from superseding.
BREAKING APPROACH ANXIETY:
--->This is probably one of the biggest problems guys run in to when starting out, and it ranges from extremely severe, to mildly inhibiting, and you'll more often than not, slide down the levels gradually until you're relaxed. Now, I took a lot of approaches to breaking this anxiety, and I'm going to list all of them.
1) As Light suggested, you can change your physiology by picking your head up, pulling your shoulders back, puffing your chest out, and walking slowly upon approach to create a mindset of confidence instead of one of anxiety.
2) As Ross suggested, take measures to force yourself to socialize with people. For me, it was having a friend calling me every day telling me to go out and meet women, posting up a reminder on my door that I'd read every morning, and asking for job applications wherever I went. Put yourself in situations where you have to be social and then you're body will adapt. This method is commonly used by cognitive behavioral therapists in dealing with anxiety (usually involved with phobias). What happens is, your body will feel the pressure rising, and it will realize that their is nothing to be afraid of, and your levels of tension will drop sporadically, and will remain low in future situations.
3) I did this myself using principles from psychology (look up counter conditioning, and aversive conditioning). Basically, take an item that makes you happy, or take an item that you love! and simply stand around the girl you want to approach (in a non creepy way.), feel that anxiety build up, and use your item to instead cause a positive emotion. What this does, is, you start to pair women with that positive feeling, and will no longer feel that anxiety upon approach. One of the primary ways your brain learns is by pairing.
4) As Tool and Colt have told me, think about the worst possible outcome, understand it/accept it, and approach knowing what the worst possible result it, thus, if it happens you will have been prepared for it, and it won't bother you nearly as much. Get inside your head, say "FUCK IT" and approach anyway, because, with every failure comes the opportunity to learn!
I recommend combining these, because it provides the best opportunity to break the anxiety. Ultimately what I had to do was see a woman, feel the anxiety build up, and approach anyway. Currently, I'm taking communications in college, and even my professor says you have to be exposed to uncomfort to grow. With women, you have to approach despite your anxiety, and it eventually drops significantly. Approach after approach your anxiety drops and you become so much more smooth.
PRE- OPENING:
This is perhaps one of the biggest problems guys have aside from approach anxiety. I'm writing these two last because they'll be more prevalent in your mind that way. Anyway, pre opening is fairly simple, though you can get complicated and intricate as you progress. I like to keep it simple, and direct. Anyway, pre opening is getting a girl to notice you before you approach her, you want her to see you before you approach at all. I'm going to cover smiling and "floating,"
---> Smiling is exactly that. Noticing a girl out of your peripheral vision, if she's looking your way, tilt your head up, and smile at her. Plain and simple.
---> If she responds with a smile back, this is where you'll want to "float," walk past her for a few minutes, and make your way around her. Be effortless though. If she's in an aisle you can be in without it seeming creepy, then "float" around her. Get close enough to her, but seem like you're looking for something else that just happens to be near her. From time to time, you should see her look your way, and after about a minute, you can direct approach and she'll receive you warmly.
I feel like I may have been unclear on some points, or may have missed something. If I did, I apologize, if you need any clarity, or have any discrepancies, feel free to reply.
Enjoy,
Richard
