- Joined
- Jul 17, 2023
- Messages
- 63
Hello,
This is one of my first time standing up for myself.
Argued with girl who is not family for the first time and feel sad and content. I tried my best?
If anyone doesn’t want to read the backstory and my feelings, my question is:
Should I walk from someone who was ready to end the relationship without being willing to resolve conflict with me?
My morality:
1) I attempt to not bring up issues in which I did not stand up for myself in the moment.
This helps train me to attempt standing up for myself as I have only one opportunity to do so. Also, I have controlled rumination because of this.
2) I apologize if my actions were in bad intentions off the bat. I usually initiate apology.
3) I don’t ask for an apology or for understanding, but I make decisions based on that person’s actions.
4) I usually to be open to both people. I feel weak afterwards if things don’t end well. But I’m also happy I did the right thing according to me.
5)I don’t involve other people.
6)I don’t attack a person’s personality and I try not to ask the person to change.
I broke my morality in this argument.
There is some backstory.
The argument:
My friend and I had a spat. After I reached the AirBnB she asked how I’m doing. I said I’m fine as I’m angry at her behavior but my mood overall is unaffected. She was beating around the bush and I went to bed.
The next morning, she asked if I wanted to talk about the previous night. I said sure and I started by apologizing for starting the second round of our small fight as my intentions behind it were not good. She was business like-she told me why she behaved the way she did during our fight and said she required me to do things a certain things. I told her I cannot. I also told her I am the way I am(I don’t respond quickly) and that that’s a part of me as I require time to think.
(I will say that I don’t know how to ask for my needs quickly, I have to really use my brain and I may freeze if I’m not thinking hard.
My heart feels heavy and I feel emotional pain asking for my needs especially when someone I know is acting superior and demanding. This may or may not be anxiety?)
Anyways, as she did not seem to be understanding, and was asking me to change- I took the following day till 3 in the afternoon for myself. I was experimenting if this method of conflict resolution works for me. She did ask me after a while if there’s anything I’d like for her to change, I can let her know and she’ll think about whether she’d do it or not.
(I can’t-I honestly judge people as they are and if they aren’t the type of person who can respond with warmth, I don’t think I would ask them to change. It hurts me to have expectations from most people.) Anyways, while I didn’t state any boundaries as I couldn’t think of any at that point, I still felt like seeing if removing my personal warmth from the situation would be peaceful for me and is the right thing to do.
I reduced talking to her till afternoon. Then I started again at 3 pm. I felt peaceful though I also didn’t like it-I prefer solving conflict but I did not know which boundary of mine has been crossed.
We all did talk on the way home, though I struggled to contribute at times due to me not knowing much small talk.
I came home, she asked me to turn off the light, but I was busy and said I can’t.
She did it herself and went to bed.
We had planned for groceries the next day morning and I left her a message telling me to wake me up when she wanted to go.
Anyways, I woke suddenly. I had been up for 2 seconds-I was still sitting in bed before she asked for her work phone which I am using. I told her to take it from my bag. My mind was hazy. She was in a hurry and was bossing me around and said I need to get food for myself. Let me make this clear, she did not inform me beforehand- it was a unilateral decision-you need to get your own food. I am in Canada depending on internet hotspot from her phone to leave the house and I am dependent on travel and more. But I got her her phone and my heart got heavier, and I agreed to get my groceries myself. When I attempted to use online shopping which was in her name(I’m paying her back) and it required a card CVV. Anyways when she said she can’t give it to me as she’s at work and in a call-I lost it.
We had the following text conversation:
“Also, unilaterally changing the plan to go grocery shopping today morning caught me by surprise and now the results are bothering me. Did you not get the message I left for you last night?”
She responded:
“You are my guest and I am happy to help you out where possible but please keep in mind that I am not obligated to do anything.”
Me:
“Sure, just don’t agree to anything beforehand then. Since you agreed I planned around that”
Also I feel differently, you may not be obligated to do anything, but either a refusal or a replan works fine. So this was not an obligation, it was an agreement which was broken.
Also, I don’t like that you brought my mother into this.
If you don’t want to resolve things with me when I give the opportunity to do so, refrain from going to my mother-she has nothing to do with this.
I am angry. I don’t like it.”
Her response:
“There are two kinds of people.
There are the people that want to talk through things with an open mind and will try to understand what the other person is going through and empathize with the other person.
And then there are people that cannot see beyond themselves and will sit around saying this is my inherent personality and I can’t change and only want to talk in hopes that the other person will come to their terms.”
You unfortunately, fall into the latter group and so I don’t see the point in me wasting my energy trying to talk things through.
I tried to connect with you and help you out where possible. I drove thousands of miles so you could see places, get you the food you wanted, take you grocery shopping, let you use my work phone, etc. The way you treated me yesterday was just mind boggling and I don’t think anyone has treated me so disrespectfully my entire life. The only thing I wanted you to do was dim the lights because I was tired from all the driving and you couldn’t even do that. I planned to take you grocery shopping this morning but I woke up late for work. I was tired from all the traveling. I’m sorry I “broke our agreement” but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
With that being said, I can only be nice to a certain extent and I have no patience for people that repeatedly treat me like shit. I really need some space to process all this. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t speak to me or expect anything from me till you leave. Please leave my work phone on the table below the TV so I’m not looking for it in the morning.
Anyways when she came home I initiated a discussion.
She said we will not see eye to eye and wasn’t willing to talk. I felt like I had to be the one in control and I guided her through the process saying I’d like to talk to her if she can keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions about me.
My heart was paining but I’ve generally never expressed myself before so I tried my best this time.
I told her I didn’t like the way she bossed me around. I never suggest to another person how they can do better: I’ve nagged too much in my life and lost a girl I really liked and I don’t want to fix anyone anymore. I don’t give advice to people either. But I broke my rule. I said if she can put effort into getting an argument with me she can let me know in that moment what she needs or take her time to figure it out instead of arguing. She kept saying her acting the way she did was in response to her being annoyed. I told her not to treat my bag or material possessions in a frustrated way and she said she didn’t and more. Anyways, in the middle I did cry. I used to feel ashamed of crying for a long time but I don’t think I am anymore. I handled it well, they were silent tears-lasted about 15 seconds. I sat in front of her and told her I need some time, I’m going through something and I need to process it. I am not a tit for tat person. I generally cannot handle people who do things for me in exchange for something else. If I give, then I do so without expectation and I didn’t argue about that I won’t let another person dictate my behavior because they feel they’re owed something. It feels like I’m supposed to have a smile on my face because she took me on a trip. I can’t do that. I didn’t tell her this as my brain wasn’t fully running. Anyways, she said she’d cried to my mom already if it made me feel better and she said she doesn’t like emotional conversations.
I didn’t like her lack of understanding throughout. I also ended up being the one to ask if we’re still on in our plans for the next three days of my trip. She said she’d spend it with me. Afterwards I tried talking about my bag but I don’t want to get into it.
I told her I’m still not okay and told her I needed space again. She said she doesn’t feel comfortable interacting with me if I’m still not okay and anyways she checked in on me a couple times before apologized about my bag and other things as she put it.
I said okay and I felt okay talking to her again. She offered to take me to buy dinner and we came back. We had a good conversation but I realized in the end. Do I want to be in a friendship with someone who will not talk to me about their feelings? I feel trapped-as if I can never be the angry one. I also felt if it was worth being in a friendship where she’s ready to end it unilaterally without wanting to resolve conflict? I don’t think a connection exists if it is easily thrown away.
I will say this, when she offered the olive branch the first day of our fight it made me feel weak. I’ve always been the fixer and having someone try felt okay, but it also made me feel out of control. At the time, after I expressed myself I was told what I should do and need to fix. I didn’t really understand what had happened until afterwards. When I did I withdrew.
Sometimes I feel like shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs. But I’m scared to-no one offers to make peace with me and I feel horrible afterwards internally as losing control makes me say horrible things that break my morality. Comparisons, covert contracts and nagging.
But I also feel inhuman sometimes-I’m the peacemaker. Me expressing my feelings just pushes away people. I feel like running away and being selfish and saying fuck you to someone. Now I’m remembering a lesson I learnt. It’s all right to express my emotions without expecting anything in return. I may be rejected and that’s okay. I’d forgotten about that. I need to practice
Geneally I feel stupid for not sitting and working things out, but I’m also tired of repressing the way I feel. I sometimes wish I could be emotionally expressive without fear. I’m scared to laugh, to be angry and to be rude sometimes. If I don’t express my feelings in real time when it’s a problem, then it’s my fault for not expressing myself clearly. But I’m not perfect and I don’t mange to do that.
Also, I know I have boundaries but they don’t seem real to me. They don’t trigger an instinct to defend in me. It’s my fault for letting them be broken, but they don’t seem real to me sometimes. Unless I’m thinking very hard I find it difficult to stand up to myself-maybe an article writer could write on how to defend myself when it feels like a boundary is being broken.
She told me when I first sat to speak that she’s tired of me, doesn’t want to see me and Is repulsed by me and the only thing that registered in my mind is if she’s willing to have an open ended discussion then I am willing to talk. I didn’t think of whether so should be offended or not. I wonder if I have self respect or do I just sit there looking at things through both perspectives, listening to someone defend themselves all the while. I just sat there with a rational mind and pushed things towards peace. Anyways writing this finally makes me remember why I adopted my rules in the first place. No matter the other person’s responses I want to be proud of myself when I exit an argument.
I’d forgotten and I honestly do feel happy enough now.
My question is not one of malice, but one of an honest intention: Should I walk from someone who was ready to end the relationship with me without being willing to resolve conflict?
Also, I feel ashamed. I vomited out my problems.
I guess I didn’t know what else to do.
SunnyVibes
This is one of my first time standing up for myself.
Argued with girl who is not family for the first time and feel sad and content. I tried my best?
If anyone doesn’t want to read the backstory and my feelings, my question is:
Should I walk from someone who was ready to end the relationship without being willing to resolve conflict with me?
My morality:
1) I attempt to not bring up issues in which I did not stand up for myself in the moment.
This helps train me to attempt standing up for myself as I have only one opportunity to do so. Also, I have controlled rumination because of this.
2) I apologize if my actions were in bad intentions off the bat. I usually initiate apology.
3) I don’t ask for an apology or for understanding, but I make decisions based on that person’s actions.
4) I usually to be open to both people. I feel weak afterwards if things don’t end well. But I’m also happy I did the right thing according to me.
5)I don’t involve other people.
6)I don’t attack a person’s personality and I try not to ask the person to change.
I broke my morality in this argument.
There is some backstory.
The argument:
My friend and I had a spat. After I reached the AirBnB she asked how I’m doing. I said I’m fine as I’m angry at her behavior but my mood overall is unaffected. She was beating around the bush and I went to bed.
The next morning, she asked if I wanted to talk about the previous night. I said sure and I started by apologizing for starting the second round of our small fight as my intentions behind it were not good. She was business like-she told me why she behaved the way she did during our fight and said she required me to do things a certain things. I told her I cannot. I also told her I am the way I am(I don’t respond quickly) and that that’s a part of me as I require time to think.
(I will say that I don’t know how to ask for my needs quickly, I have to really use my brain and I may freeze if I’m not thinking hard.
My heart feels heavy and I feel emotional pain asking for my needs especially when someone I know is acting superior and demanding. This may or may not be anxiety?)
Anyways, as she did not seem to be understanding, and was asking me to change- I took the following day till 3 in the afternoon for myself. I was experimenting if this method of conflict resolution works for me. She did ask me after a while if there’s anything I’d like for her to change, I can let her know and she’ll think about whether she’d do it or not.
(I can’t-I honestly judge people as they are and if they aren’t the type of person who can respond with warmth, I don’t think I would ask them to change. It hurts me to have expectations from most people.) Anyways, while I didn’t state any boundaries as I couldn’t think of any at that point, I still felt like seeing if removing my personal warmth from the situation would be peaceful for me and is the right thing to do.
I reduced talking to her till afternoon. Then I started again at 3 pm. I felt peaceful though I also didn’t like it-I prefer solving conflict but I did not know which boundary of mine has been crossed.
We all did talk on the way home, though I struggled to contribute at times due to me not knowing much small talk.
I came home, she asked me to turn off the light, but I was busy and said I can’t.
She did it herself and went to bed.
We had planned for groceries the next day morning and I left her a message telling me to wake me up when she wanted to go.
Anyways, I woke suddenly. I had been up for 2 seconds-I was still sitting in bed before she asked for her work phone which I am using. I told her to take it from my bag. My mind was hazy. She was in a hurry and was bossing me around and said I need to get food for myself. Let me make this clear, she did not inform me beforehand- it was a unilateral decision-you need to get your own food. I am in Canada depending on internet hotspot from her phone to leave the house and I am dependent on travel and more. But I got her her phone and my heart got heavier, and I agreed to get my groceries myself. When I attempted to use online shopping which was in her name(I’m paying her back) and it required a card CVV. Anyways when she said she can’t give it to me as she’s at work and in a call-I lost it.
We had the following text conversation:
“Also, unilaterally changing the plan to go grocery shopping today morning caught me by surprise and now the results are bothering me. Did you not get the message I left for you last night?”
She responded:
“You are my guest and I am happy to help you out where possible but please keep in mind that I am not obligated to do anything.”
Me:
“Sure, just don’t agree to anything beforehand then. Since you agreed I planned around that”
Also I feel differently, you may not be obligated to do anything, but either a refusal or a replan works fine. So this was not an obligation, it was an agreement which was broken.
Also, I don’t like that you brought my mother into this.
If you don’t want to resolve things with me when I give the opportunity to do so, refrain from going to my mother-she has nothing to do with this.
I am angry. I don’t like it.”
Her response:
“There are two kinds of people.
There are the people that want to talk through things with an open mind and will try to understand what the other person is going through and empathize with the other person.
And then there are people that cannot see beyond themselves and will sit around saying this is my inherent personality and I can’t change and only want to talk in hopes that the other person will come to their terms.”
You unfortunately, fall into the latter group and so I don’t see the point in me wasting my energy trying to talk things through.
I tried to connect with you and help you out where possible. I drove thousands of miles so you could see places, get you the food you wanted, take you grocery shopping, let you use my work phone, etc. The way you treated me yesterday was just mind boggling and I don’t think anyone has treated me so disrespectfully my entire life. The only thing I wanted you to do was dim the lights because I was tired from all the driving and you couldn’t even do that. I planned to take you grocery shopping this morning but I woke up late for work. I was tired from all the traveling. I’m sorry I “broke our agreement” but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
With that being said, I can only be nice to a certain extent and I have no patience for people that repeatedly treat me like shit. I really need some space to process all this. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t speak to me or expect anything from me till you leave. Please leave my work phone on the table below the TV so I’m not looking for it in the morning.
Anyways when she came home I initiated a discussion.
She said we will not see eye to eye and wasn’t willing to talk. I felt like I had to be the one in control and I guided her through the process saying I’d like to talk to her if she can keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions about me.
My heart was paining but I’ve generally never expressed myself before so I tried my best this time.
I told her I didn’t like the way she bossed me around. I never suggest to another person how they can do better: I’ve nagged too much in my life and lost a girl I really liked and I don’t want to fix anyone anymore. I don’t give advice to people either. But I broke my rule. I said if she can put effort into getting an argument with me she can let me know in that moment what she needs or take her time to figure it out instead of arguing. She kept saying her acting the way she did was in response to her being annoyed. I told her not to treat my bag or material possessions in a frustrated way and she said she didn’t and more. Anyways, in the middle I did cry. I used to feel ashamed of crying for a long time but I don’t think I am anymore. I handled it well, they were silent tears-lasted about 15 seconds. I sat in front of her and told her I need some time, I’m going through something and I need to process it. I am not a tit for tat person. I generally cannot handle people who do things for me in exchange for something else. If I give, then I do so without expectation and I didn’t argue about that I won’t let another person dictate my behavior because they feel they’re owed something. It feels like I’m supposed to have a smile on my face because she took me on a trip. I can’t do that. I didn’t tell her this as my brain wasn’t fully running. Anyways, she said she’d cried to my mom already if it made me feel better and she said she doesn’t like emotional conversations.
I didn’t like her lack of understanding throughout. I also ended up being the one to ask if we’re still on in our plans for the next three days of my trip. She said she’d spend it with me. Afterwards I tried talking about my bag but I don’t want to get into it.
I told her I’m still not okay and told her I needed space again. She said she doesn’t feel comfortable interacting with me if I’m still not okay and anyways she checked in on me a couple times before apologized about my bag and other things as she put it.
I said okay and I felt okay talking to her again. She offered to take me to buy dinner and we came back. We had a good conversation but I realized in the end. Do I want to be in a friendship with someone who will not talk to me about their feelings? I feel trapped-as if I can never be the angry one. I also felt if it was worth being in a friendship where she’s ready to end it unilaterally without wanting to resolve conflict? I don’t think a connection exists if it is easily thrown away.
I will say this, when she offered the olive branch the first day of our fight it made me feel weak. I’ve always been the fixer and having someone try felt okay, but it also made me feel out of control. At the time, after I expressed myself I was told what I should do and need to fix. I didn’t really understand what had happened until afterwards. When I did I withdrew.
Sometimes I feel like shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs. But I’m scared to-no one offers to make peace with me and I feel horrible afterwards internally as losing control makes me say horrible things that break my morality. Comparisons, covert contracts and nagging.
But I also feel inhuman sometimes-I’m the peacemaker. Me expressing my feelings just pushes away people. I feel like running away and being selfish and saying fuck you to someone. Now I’m remembering a lesson I learnt. It’s all right to express my emotions without expecting anything in return. I may be rejected and that’s okay. I’d forgotten about that. I need to practice
Geneally I feel stupid for not sitting and working things out, but I’m also tired of repressing the way I feel. I sometimes wish I could be emotionally expressive without fear. I’m scared to laugh, to be angry and to be rude sometimes. If I don’t express my feelings in real time when it’s a problem, then it’s my fault for not expressing myself clearly. But I’m not perfect and I don’t mange to do that.
Also, I know I have boundaries but they don’t seem real to me. They don’t trigger an instinct to defend in me. It’s my fault for letting them be broken, but they don’t seem real to me sometimes. Unless I’m thinking very hard I find it difficult to stand up to myself-maybe an article writer could write on how to defend myself when it feels like a boundary is being broken.
She told me when I first sat to speak that she’s tired of me, doesn’t want to see me and Is repulsed by me and the only thing that registered in my mind is if she’s willing to have an open ended discussion then I am willing to talk. I didn’t think of whether so should be offended or not. I wonder if I have self respect or do I just sit there looking at things through both perspectives, listening to someone defend themselves all the while. I just sat there with a rational mind and pushed things towards peace. Anyways writing this finally makes me remember why I adopted my rules in the first place. No matter the other person’s responses I want to be proud of myself when I exit an argument.
I’d forgotten and I honestly do feel happy enough now.
My question is not one of malice, but one of an honest intention: Should I walk from someone who was ready to end the relationship with me without being willing to resolve conflict?
Also, I feel ashamed. I vomited out my problems.
I guess I didn’t know what else to do.
SunnyVibes
