Attractive enough to keep options open

[slashrfnr]

What is that some people have that allows them to keep their options open? They don't have to escalate there and then, but can meet people multiple times, and still not have their attraction expire? I think about places like the work place or social circles where people spend a lot of time together, and then 6 months later, end up in a relationship.

How does this happen? I'm guessing there was underlying attraction throughout the whole time, but surely the girl isn't going to wait, or the guy is going to get friendzoned? Or is it a case that the friendzone only happens if you get to know a girl really well, but don't sexually escalate in that time frame? And the guy who keeps his options open is someone who never lets himself get to close, emotionally, to these girls

 

[Franco]

slash,

Yeah, generally most of these situations take place in social circle. A guy has demonstrated his high value to a woman, and occasionally through action taken (often by both parties), the two can manage to get sexual and get into an intimate relationship.

You can't really rely on this though because there are so many other factors at play. It first of all must mean that the girl has not yet been seduced by another man, or maybe she she does get seduced, ends up in a relationship, ends it, and is suddenly chasing her old "crush" again. For the guy, it must also mean that he is interested in a relationship with her, and he has to know how to at least put himself into situations where the two of them can get intimate and make the mutual attraction become more than just attraction.

The issue with relying on these types of attraction is that they are very volatile -- while it might seem to you that this is something that happens frequently (which it does not), you're not recognizing the fact that these "social circle attraction" situations are extremely common, and the majority of the time the guy doesn't get what he wants (the girl). This is usually due to him moving too slowly, and by the time he realizes he wants to make a move, the girl already has a new love interest. However, this doesn't necessarily mean the girl is no longer attracted to him, it likely just means she's found a man who's actually going to act on that attraction, thus making this new man "higher value," at least for the time being.

And, as you mentioned, guys often get friend-zoned in these types of situations, even when they don't realize it. A girl may have long decided that a guy provides too much value to her to become intimate with him, and while she may have once flirted with him upon meeting, she now simply respects him as a good (and possibly "cute") friend.

So, I wouldn't really see this too much as "guys who intentionally keeping their options open" as much as it is guys who have demonstrated high value around women they see regularly, and those women remained attracted to these guys so long as they continued to demonstrate their high value.

NOTE: Keep in mind that if the guy suddenly begins to demonstrate low value to these women, their opinions of him can change immediately, even after months or years of the women believing his was high value.

- Franco

 

[slashrfnr]

Franco,

Thanks for the answer. I know reply is late, but I work in UK government, and the election has only just finished consuming my life.

I think you've got it right in that social circle is very volatile, but I can never get my head around how it is still the dominant way of meeting your respective partner. If i asked most of my friends how they ended up with their partner, at least 75% of them had known their partner for at least 6 months before they went out on a date.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the girl is no longer attracted to him, it likely just means she's found a man who's actually going to act on that attraction, thus making this new man "higher value," at least for the time being.

Interesting point. My question to this is, is it just a case of asking the girl out (making it clear that you're sexually interested) that can bring the attraction back up/make them high value again?

 

[Franco]

Interesting point. My question to this is, is it just a case of asking the girl out (making it clear that you're sexually interested) that can bring the attraction back up/make them high value again?

No, not really. If the girl has somehow determined she's lower value than she originally thought, he'll have to demonstrate that he's higher value again first. This is best demonstrated through social proof -- if she sees him with other attractive women having a good time, or if he ends up in a relationship with another attractive woman, then it's likely to re-spark a girl's interest.

But generally if a guy is generating lots of attraction from lots of women, he's not too concerned about one woman in his social group anyway. If he hooks up with her, great. If he doesn't, well then he has plenty of other options as well!

- Franco