Avoidance & the Feeling I Always Need to Be in Demand

[Troy]

I am going out today with a female friend to watch a full day's match at the stadium. A whole day of awesome track and field. I asked out 3 girl's and one ended up telling me yesterday that she can't go again because her dad didn't want her to go. And the other girl I haven't heard from since Wednesday. These 3 girlfriends of mine are in my social circle and they all treat me good, they are always excited to see me yet here's the biggest problem that's holding me back:

I keep avoiding people that like me out of fear they will realize I don't really have any close friends and then they stop liking me. I'm avoiding being rejected for not being cool enough and in the end I sabotage myself and end up having to meet new people. It's a catch 2-2. I meet a new group of people and I make a great first impression then after awhile I feel the urge to have to hide the fact I don't have much going on, I hide the fact that I'm not being bombarded by others to go out with them or be their friend at school.

Overall I never feel that I'm good enough for a group of people, especially groups that already are long formed and established. I never feel I'm good enough for a girl and I end up bailing out of the friendship real quick. That MAY just be my biggest problem. I don't want people to hold me in low esteem so I put on a facade of always needing to be around people, always having to be seen with a girl to enhance my preselection, and always have to be seen with guys to boost my social value. I feel that is a value take because I struggle giving extra value to them more than how they give value to me.

Conclusion

1) I feel I'm never good enough for people no matter how much attraction I get
2) I keep putting up a facade to hide my feelings
3) I don't want people to continually see me alone so I avoid the places they are which further pushes me to not know anyone

I was planning on flaking on my friend out of fear that she would realize I'm not "popular" and stop hanging with me. However I'm going to force myself to go out and have fun even if it's just the two of us. I don't want to hurt her by flaking and thus the hurt comes back and bites me later.

On all of this what can you suggest I do to get over the feeling to always be in demand and my avoidance of social events because of my feeling?

If I did all this 6 years ago upon starting High School I may never have ran into any problems, I realize that far too many people have tried connecting with me at some point in time over the 6 years only for me to dissapoint them. Thanks for the replies guys

Troy

 

[ray_zorse]

Honestly bro you will have a much better time with just 1 friend, exactly same thing happened to me during internship in Japan, heard about an awesome outdoor day party at a scout camp about 1.5hrs by train and taxi from Tokyo, invited a whole lot of other students and just 1 girl came (who had a bf back home)... was an awesome time and we became very close, they invited me to their wedding recently although I could not go unfortunately.

I think it's like the popular misconceptions "what if I make a move and she's not down, it will be mortifying" or "what if I invite her out and she refuses, everyone will think I'm a loser" ... WRONG! If you do these things, girls and guys will see you as an attractive and dominant guy who does what he wants! Who cares if she isn't down on this particular occasion, it still makes you look great! About the track & field event, important thing is YOU want to see it, and like an attractive and dominant leader you extended invitation to others, one of whom is down, and is counting on you to lead and make it happen!!

I do feel somehow that no amount of validation from outside is going to resolve your negative self-talk / image. As well as adopting positive self-talk at the conscious level and making an effort to "fake it till you make it" (and have lower expectations of yourself, lots of attractive and dominant guys, a category in which I include myself, don't have a super bopping social circle, yet often find friends popping up where they didn't expect it)... I recommend to read "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw, to try to understand and address the roots of these self esteem issues.

-Ray

 

[Drck]

Couple of issues

You have a lot of negative self talk. You beat yourself down with this negativity. Turn it around. Rewrite everything you wrote here on a piece of paper and turn it around 180 degrees, make it positive. That's how you should talk. Example:

1) I feel I'm never good enough for people no matter how much attraction I get >>>> I am good enough for people, and I am great for girls
2) I keep putting up a facade to hide my feelings >>>> I don't hide my feelings, I can open up and share if I want to. If I'm sad I'm sad. If I'm happy I'm happy - there is no need to hide my feelings, however I work on being emotionally stable and cool guy
3) I don't want people to see me alone >>>> it's perfectly ok to be alone because I'm seeking to be more independent and self sufficient, and at the same time I'm working on getting to know many cool people, some of which could become my really good friends...


First impression: Stop trying to impress people. Stop creating first good impressions. Stop pleasing people. Stop proving yourself to others. Stop worrying what others think or say about you. Stop showing them that you are a good person. Stop the desire to go out and hangout, do stupid things in useless group, and do nothing anyway. Stop worrying how people see you. Go out with purpose (to get girls), go out alone and learn to like it. All the above are behaviors of Nice Guy. Get rid of this behavior, it's useless, it drags you down. Get rid of being a Nice Guy.

Similarly, stop the desire to have close friends, it drags you down. Stop the need to be close to people, become more mature. You can't make people to be close to you, you can't chase friends till they become your close friends. Just simply keep seeking different friends till you find some you have more common things with. Workplace is a good place to find friends, you work with these people hours every day, you share the same work ideas.... Find a job where you can deal with many people, if you can't find some job join some group of guys that could be your friends. How does martial arts sounds? You'll find there lots of guys who seek improvement, who are fighters, who are fit and in great shape, who are developing their physique and personality, who are persistent and determined to win. You want to be around these guys, you want to join this kind of group, you want these guys as your friends.

Beware of group mentality. Groups are good, you can have great friends, but at the same time, the very same people may hold you down, they may block your progress. You want to learn seduction, thus you should understand that your mindset will inevitably change. You will start seeing girls in another way than most guys in that group. You will become more successful with girls. You could sleep with girls that the other guys are in love with. You will simply realize that you are no longer compatible with the general perception that most guys have, thus you really don't fit into that particular group. Many may not like you because of your new mindset and new behavior. Thus you have to learn to walk your own way, perhaps just find 2-3 guys who have similar interest such as seduction...


Work on becoming high value man. It takes time and significant effort but it's worth it. Learn to be more self reliant and independent of others. Learn to be happy regardless whether you are in group, alone, with or without girls. Other people simply won't make you happy, it is not their job to make you happy and they are busy with their lives anyway. Learn to trust yourself more. Build your self esteem, become more mature, grow up. Learn about Alpha males, learn that behavior. Become more dominant and leading. Learn to be sexy and attractive man. Do masculine things, masculinity is what gives you Man's frame. Lift weights or join martial arts, once you do it for some time you will realize that it totally transformed your life because you will be strong physically and mentally, and you will be able to fight. Men fight, pussies don't. Learn to be a fighter, learn to be a winner. Get a good income job. Learn to solve things in a constructive way, learn seduction.

Good enough for start!

 

[Troy]

About the track & field event, important thing is YOU want to see it, and like an attractive and dominant leader you extended invitation to others, one of whom is down, and is counting on you to lead and make it happen!!

I invited a male friend last minute and he didn't come, oh well! At the same time I called him I got a call immediately after from a girl who said she wanted me to go with her. I felt great and headed outto have a wonderful night. We met up with her boyfriend, and even though he was there I had fun and they enjoyed my company. Afterwards we got some food and then parted. Because they had to go church I left without them and made a midnight stop at 2 night clubs uptown..I simply approached a couple girls in the club then went home. All in all, I'm glad I went out.

I do feel somehow that no amount of validation from outside is going to resolve your negative self-talk / image.

I feel the same too. No matter how many girls have found me attractive in the past I still don't feel attractive in my own self. I'll read the book you recommended.

I recommend to read "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw, to try to understand and address the roots of these self esteem issues.

Doing a quick Google search I believe this is it



http://goo.gl/fGyKQ8

Its not the complete book, only 73 pages, yet its a start until I buy it.

You have a lot of negative self talk. You beat yourself down with this negativity. Turn it around. Rewrite everything you wrote here on a piece of paper and turn it around 180 degrees, make it positive. That's how you should talk.

I'll rewrite it here later in a positive way. What you said really inspired me. It felt like you gave me a speech chuck full of information that I just had to take. I must say you seem like a good writer, inspiring words. And you gave me a lot to think about, thus a lot of homework to do. Thanks.

Troy