Bad idea to move on girl at bar I frequent?

[Antonioc]

Hello, new here. Been following the site for a while though.

Hoping for some advice on this particular situation. I like to frequent certain spots, which I suppose can be good, and bad. On the one hand frequenting my favorite coffee shop has proven useful in trying to improve my cold approach. I also have a bar / club/ restaurant I like to frequent. It's a pretty nice place that draws a good crowd only in certain seasons, there are lots of not so packed chill days which really allows me to get to know everyone there which I really enjoy. I know all the bartenders male and female, the manager, the hostesses, servers and even much of the staff.

I mention all of this because I had always felt that this would help me communicate / learn to deep dive better. And lately I have developed a pretty strong attraction to one of the bartenders at the place. I hadn't really been able to deep dive her, which of course only seemed to get me more intrigued with her. I finally was able to strike up a conversation with her using the three favorite animal- personality test I read on this forum. And it seemed to open her up a little more. I could have done a better job with the deep dive but I got her on the subject of her favorite local coffee stops and took the chance to invite her to join me for some coffee sometime. She declined saying she had a boyfriend, I responded by saying I am only asking you to coffee, to which she said yea but I wouldn't want my boyfriend to do the same. What struck me though was after this, usually after i fail to connect with a girl the whole situation goes into awkward, she avoids me for a while mode. It was within 30 min of the rejection, that we engaged in the best deep dive conversation I have had with this girl. I actually felt a little connection.

It was after this encounter that I wondered if seeing all of these bartenders/ waitresses so frequently is a disadvantage when it comes to approaching women. I had always viewed it as somewhat of a cop out, I mean they have to stay and talk to you... But now I wonder if them just seeing me as one of the regs makes it harder for them to see me as a sexual/ romantic guy. I don't allow any of them to far into my personal life, only what I need to deep dive. So I hesitate to say we are too buddy buddy.

Anyhow I realize this is a long first post but it would appreciate thoughts / advice on this situation . I also asked out one of the hostesses (she was newer) who was smiling at me a lot before I asked out the bartender, and had much better results with her. I suppose this could have played into the bartenders reaction as well, but I don't think she was aware.

 

[Thedoctor]

Antonio,

It was after this encounter that I wondered if seeing all of these bartenders/ waitresses so frequently is a disadvantage when it comes to approaching women. I had always viewed it as somewhat of a cop out, I mean they have to stay and talk to you... But now I wonder if them just seeing me as one of the regs makes it harder for them to see me as a sexual/ romantic guy. I don't allow any of them to far into my personal life, only what I need to deep dive. So I hesitate to say we are too buddy buddy.

It seems as though you've answered your own question. You are correct in saying that waitresses and bartenders have to talk to you as part of their job. If you're a newbie starting out, then you can use this to get better at talking to women/ people in general. But as far as "pickup" goes, it is a cop out, as you said. You need to go out and talk to girls that are not required to talk to you as part of their job.

The second part of the problem (that I think you also self-diagnosed) is that you need to move fast with women. You're putting yourself in the friend zone.

Once you get a bit more experienced, you can certainly flirt and seduce waitresses too. But, I recommend coming back to that at a later date. So my advice is: stop being a regular, find a new place, and talk to some new girls that don't work there. And move fast!

-John

 

[Antonioc]

Thanks for the response doc.

You are right, I need to broaden my horizons. Go other places outside of my comfort zone. I have tried cold approach with moderate success in the past. I do need to move quicker. I will probably still go to the bar some too. I have too many friends their now to stay away, but I will try to approach more people their not associated with the business side of things.

A quick question about the bartender though..

She seems to smile more and just overall give a warmer reception than before I asked her on the date. We weren't really friends before, in fact I would almost go as far to say that she was one of the more distant girls that worked their towards me, and perhaps even a bit uncomfortable with me. Is this change in behavior normal? Should I continue to pursue? I really don't like to waste time on girls with boyfriends, but she could have just been leading me on. Anyway.. Any advice would be appreciated. Let me know if there is any important info I'm leaving out.

 

[Thedoctor]

Antonio,

She seems to smile more and just overall give a warmer reception than before I asked her on the date. We weren't really friends before, in fact I would almost go as far to say that she was one of the more distant girls that worked their towards me, and perhaps even a bit uncomfortable with me. Is this change in behavior normal? Should I continue to pursue? I really don't like to waste time on girls with boyfriends, but she could have just been leading me on. Anyway.. Any advice would be appreciated. Let me know if there is any important info I'm leaving out.

You asked her on a date and she said no. When this happens, you analyze the situation to figure out what you have done wrong (which you've done), and then you move on. Meet other girls and don't focus too much of your attention on her. If you're thinking about her, it means you're not thinking about meeting other girls who are interested in you. I'd recommend reading more material on the main site. Start with this one:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/absolute-abundance

Also, check out the newbie assignment in the beginner's section:

viewtopic.php?f=13&t=34

-John