Being asked if I am going to hook up with a certain girl?

[Pato]

Hey guys,

Recently I've been getting asked quite a bit whether or not I will be hooking up with a certain girl at an after party to a school dance. This has happened a bit over the past few months, where someone will ask me if I'm going to try to hook up with a girl at a party. Today's example went like this: a group of my friends and I are sitting at a lunch table just chilling like we normally do. There are 7 of us, 3 more guys and 3 more girls and me of course. We are just talking about random things, and the school dance is coming up which is a common topic. Here's how the conversation kind of went:

Guy Friend 1: So Pato, are you gonna hook up with _____ at the after-party?
Me: (giving a slightly skeptical slightly confused look as if that was a stupid question) Dude.
Other friends got kinda quiet, some focused their attention on us.
Guy Friend 1: Oh god, is that just a really awkward question to ask?
Me: Yeah dude, that's a pretty awkward thing to say.

After this he kind of apologized, we continued talking about some other random topic, but it got me thinking. He's asked this for the second time in 2 or 3 weeks (different girl that he thought was gonna be in our group), and the first time I just ignored him and let him talk to some other people about it. This time I called him out on it, trying to evade the question completely. In the past, other people have also asked me if I was going to try to hook up with a certain girl.

Basically, was there a better way to handle this? I don't really want this situation to come up again, but my friends can be quite nosy and pry for details a lot. They don't respect privacy much when it comes to hooking up at all. So especially when I think I might be hooking up with the girl in the near future, I don't want rumors to start flying around. Either way I answer the question, yes or no, it will get back to my girl and I think I lose if that happens. So how can I best deflect the question or avoid it entirely? I think calling my friend out on his awkwardness was okay, but I also don't want to look defensive in any way.

Let me know if you have any suggestions, solutions, advice, etc... and also something on how to react when people ask how far I went with my girl or if my girl and I are now "a thing" or a couple after a hookup would help. Because I've had some of this in the past too and have a feeling it will come up again soon.

Thanks,
Pato

 

[DesiBro]

"No comment" with a slight smirk, and then change the topic immediately.

 

[Pato]

Casanova,

I think the Damon grin would work wonders in this situation. When you admit that that's an awkward thing to say you communicate (unknowingly) that you are uncomfortable with the discussion of sex. Inadvertently causing any girls within earshot to view you as a prude.

Probably a much better response than the one I gave. It seems like the Damon grin can work in all situations, maybe just because it's so damn effective I didn't even think of this being the result of me saying that it was awkward, but I'm pretty sure all the girls know I'm not prude. But it's still something I have to watch out for. The only thing is that I don't want everyone "knowing" that the girl and I will hook up, just because there's no discretion at all, and the people in my group are pretty judgmental when it comes to this stuff. I've already been called a man-whore (which was only kind of a joke) and someone who is always trying to hook up with a girl at parties, so one or two more hook ups (which would make it 2 or 3 since I've joined the group) and I think they might give me the player reputation. Which can be good because of the pre-selection, and it's better than being viewed as a prude, but I think my group has a problem with "players".

Desibro, I think this might be okay too, as I definitely don't want to be talking about it that much. Glad to see you're both on the same page.

Thanks again,
-Pato

 

[luego]

I'll disagree - I think your response was perfect.

If you got all shy and bashful etc, THEN you communicate that you're uncomfortable with sex. You didn't. You explicitly called him out on it as being inappropriate, then moved on to a neutral topic. All you communicated there was "None of your business. Horrible question.". Basically, you communicated discretion, which is a good thing. Even a smile or a smirk taints that.

 

[Verisimilitude]

I think a Damon smile is too much. It gives away what your intentions are, and answers the question. And being hurt or thinking it was awkward makes you seem like you think it is weird. But clearly you don't, you just think talking about it is. So I'd use deflection. Ask him, "Are you going to hook up with Sarah at the after party?" or just shrug your shoulders, give a ehh look and say "depends".

This way, it shows that you aren't too invested in this girl, and it gives them no information, while still showing some interest. Maybe if things line up, you will, but you won't be heartbroken if you don't. Which is the vibe I think you want.

The more you get your friends used to you not kissing and telling, the less they'll press you. Which is a good thing.

 

[Pato]

Thanks luego and V. Gives me a different perspective, one that is more congruent with my original thinking. I was actually thinking about this more today, and I realized that doing or saying anything that gives them an answer might not necessarily be the way to go. And I hate when the group presses me about hook-ups and the like, so maybe doing something like what I did will stop the questions, whereas a Damon smile might provoke or invite more questions. So I'll have to go back on my statement that a Damon smile would work much better, but I won't be hesitating to use it in other situations where it may be needed.

I don't think my response was too harsh, and it didn't lead to a whole discussion or anyone else talking about it, which makes me think it worked pretty well. And I highly value discretion, so saying or implying a yes does nothing to help my case. I can pretty much guarantee I'll be facing this question in the future, so I guess it's just my decision in the moment whether to call them out or just respond with a shrug/maybe/it depends type answer. I'm leaning towards the latter, but if someone keeps pestering me about it, I won't think twice before letting them know how I feel.

One thing I'm wondering about now is how to deal with the same type of questions after the fact. What is the best way to communicate to them that I won't talk about my hook-ups and that they should stop asking questions, without making it look like I'm defensive or being aggressive? I think most of the people in the group are just used to having everyone talk about hook-ups, and won't realize that they are doing anything wrong by prying into my sexual life. I mean last time I actually had people try to come into the room to see what I was doing with the girl. So I don't think this issue will go away if I just let them continue being nosy and invasive. Any ideas or suggestions?

 

[Verisimilitude]

One thing I'm wondering about now is how to deal with the same type of questions after the fact. What is the best way to communicate to them that I won't talk about my hook-ups and that they should stop asking questions, without making it look like I'm defensive or being aggressive? I think most of the people in the group are just used to having everyone talk about hook-ups, and won't realize that they are doing anything wrong by prying into my sexual life. I mean last time I actually had people try to come into the room to see what I was doing with the girl. So I don't think this issue will go away if I just let them continue being nosy and invasive. Any ideas or suggestions?

Just say, "I don't like talking about it. I know you guys like to, but its something I'd rather keep between me and her". I can't see them giving you much trouble after that. Its about reversing a bad precedent (you telling them), so it might take more work at first, but it will get easier.

V

 

[Alcaeus]

You don't plan hookups. They just happen.

Bro, I think you did a good job. Just don't make your body language defensive. In a situation like that, people judge you heavily on your appearance. If you looked flustered, or your voice cracked, you would have failed the test.

A little suggestion for next time,

Skeptical look. "Dude awkward..." You want to punish him and also use the situation to make an example that you don't plan these things out. Nor do you kiss and tell.

Genuine face. "It's a party. I just want to go and have fun." This way you clear the air and you complete the thread on a high note. Now you can gracefully transition unto another topic.

In the future, 3 Things:
-Not cool to be nosy
-Paint that you are effortless
-Show that you value trust and privacy

"Yeah, my best friends bug me about sex and relationship and I love them buts that's not cool."

....(the other person says blah, blah, blah)...

"When I hangout I don't like to stress. If I meet someone nice, we'll just keep it chill."

This way you are not secretive. You are not aggressive. You are not defensive.

Instead you look like a natural. You look trust worthy. And you understand discretion. You appear relaxed.

Nobody half socially astute will risk probing you because they will look inept. No one wants to look awkward. If you need, throw a little more awkward punishment to those who don't initially get the message, after awhile, they'll shape up

 

[PrettyDecent]

Pato,

And being hurt or thinking it was awkward makes you seem like you think it is weird. But clearly you don't, you just think talking about it is. So I'd use deflection. Ask him, "Are you going to hook up with Sarah at the after party?" or just shrug your shoulders, give a ehh look and say "depends".

This way, it shows that you aren't too invested in this girl, and it gives them no information, while still showing some interest. Maybe if things line up, you will, but you won't be heartbroken if you don't. Which is the vibe I think you want.

The more you get your friends used to you not kissing and telling, the less they'll press you. Which is a good thing.

Just say, "I don't like talking about it. I know you guys like to, but its something I'd rather keep between me and her". I can't see them giving you much trouble after that. Its about reversing a bad precedent (you telling them), so it might take more work at first, but it will get easier.

And this part of Casanova's response:

When you admit that that's an awkward thing to say you communicate (unknowingly) that you are uncomfortable with the discussion of sex. Inadvertently causing any girls within earshot to view you as a prude.

Explains my thoughts exactly.

Good luck at the dance!

~Nick

 

[Pato]

Hey thanks guys. I was hanging with a few friends (just a couple guys, no girls) yesterday and the same kind of thing came up. We were talking about the after-party and I was asked again if I was going to try anything after the dance. I just kinda shrugged and rolled my eyes a bit and said "It depends" and let the conversation drift off of me and onto some of the other guys attempts with girls. My friends were talking about another guy blabbering on about how he was gonna try and hook up a certain girl, even though the girl doesn't want to hook up with him at all, haha. I later made it pretty clear to them that I just don't like talking about it with other people too much, so I think these friends might stop prying so much. Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

 

[Verisimilitude]

Good for you Pato! Glad the suggestions helped.