Socializing Best ways to handle someone telling you they are better than you

[Palmtree]

I always hit back at people who tried to disrespect me even a little bit. However as I have noted many times for outside observers (girls or other people around me) it seems like the persons insult got to me.
I have run into these AMOG situations where some guys in group try to pull me down without reason (they start off well but after sometime it seems like they get into this AMOG mode when girls are around)

Examples -
1) you young guys have so much to learn in life. I will be happy giving you advice.
2) I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.

Now these position me as someone who needs help.
I generally call out that they are very desperate to make themselves look better and they are very insecure.

However this sometimes seems to outsiders like his insult got to me.

So how would you guys handle these situations?

 

[Will_V]

I always hit back at people who tried to disrespect me even a little bit. However as I have noted many times for outside observers (girls or other people around me) it seems like the persons insult got to me.
I have run into these AMOG situations where some guys in group try to pull me down without reason (they start off well but after sometime it seems like they get into this AMOG mode when girls are around)

Examples -
1) you young guys have so much to learn in life. I will be happy giving you advice.
2) I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.

Now these position me as someone who needs help.
I generally call out that they are very desperate to make themselves look better and they are very insecure.

However this sometimes seems to outsiders like his insult got to me.

So how would you guys handle these situations?

The problem is that he didn't objectively insult you, whereas you objectively insulted him. He had plausible deniability, you didn't.

In a lot of social situations, the loser is the first person who accepts that something is a problem to begin with.

Just ignore it, or say something funny about it if you feel like it. In short, don't do anything that doesn't conform to the idea of you having a good time.

 

[Darius]

1) you young guys have so much to learn in life. I will be happy giving you advice.
2) I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.

These examples were both attempts by the other person to gain frame control in the situation, by positioning themselves as authoritative figures within a group. They are not personal to you, unless you're the only one in the conversation with them.

I generally call out that they are very desperate to make themselves look better and they are very insecure.

You don't deal with those frames by calling them out in a serious manner. Why? Because if you do that you're now going on the defensive. It shows you are trying to preserve your ego.

And it works, for your ego. Except now everyone around you knows that you have a sensitive ego that you feel you must protect at all times. Which means you are the insecure one. These frames should not get to you, period.

Remember this: defiance is not power. It's more powerful than accepting the frames and losing frame control, but it's also not putting you on top. Defiance simply acknowledges that the other person is in power, but that you won't comply with them.

It doesn't make the other person realise that they misjudged you or missed an opportunity to be in your good graces. It just makes them understand that they've sent you in auto-rejection, and because you've now acknowledged that they're in power, they will never see it as a loss for them.

The way you deal with an 'authority' frame is to either ignore it as Will said, or refuse it in a fun way (but make sure you refuse it, do not joke while accepting it).

e.g.

1) you young guys have so much to learn in life. I will be happy giving you advice.
*sly smile and laugh* Experience is experience, age is just a number. Anyways, let's talk about ...

Remember to keep a friendly face when doing this, and present it as a game you're playing with the target. They'll know subconsciously that their BS won't last, and you'll show everyone that you haven't been touched while also dismantling a weak attempt at frame control.

 

[johndoe]

I always hit back at people who tried to disrespect me even a little bit. However as I have noted many times for outside observers (girls or other people around me) it seems like the persons insult got to me.
I have run into these AMOG situations where some guys in group try to pull me down without reason (they start off well but after sometime it seems like they get into this AMOG mode when girls are around)

Examples -
1) you young guys have so much to learn in life. I will be happy giving you advice.
2) I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.

Now these position me as someone who needs help.
I generally call out that they are very desperate to make themselves look better and they are very insecure.

However this sometimes seems to outsiders like his insult got to me.

So how would you guys handle these situations?

You can:

1. Acknowledge and / or dismiss it. The key here is to use a dismissive tone, and keep your response short and sweet, e.g. "sure thing", and move on. Or just outright ignore it if it sounds ridiculous. The idea is they're trying to steal your spotlight and you don't want to give them the time of the day.
2. Exaggerate it. "Yeah, maybe you can give me advice on [some no brainer thing]" to exaggerate their point and make them look silly.
3. Return with you own zinger. "Yes, I'm 1 year younger than you. That's such a big age gap pal,"

(1) de-escalates the situation and prevents them from taking the spotlight. It should be what you want to be going for most of the time, because responding to a tooling attempt gives it attention, and most of them frankly don't deserve any attention at all.

(2) and (3) should, for the most part, only be used if they are being directly insulting; e.g. "you're like a baby, you have so much more to learn in life"; or if they have a crowd behind them (i.e. people laughing with them). In the case of being directly insulting, dismissing them might still work, but if they've got a crowd behind them (e.g. they made the crowd laugh) and you want to win the crowd over, you'll need to return with a zinger of your own.

You'll sometimes run into situations where none of the options above are available to you, either because you're not fast enough to return with (2) or (3), or if their point / criticism is really valid, and you can't really dismiss it (for more serious matters, like if you're at fault for something). In such situations, you'll have no choice but to take the hit for it.

 

[DarkKnight]

Usually when guys behave like this I ignore it knowing that I am better (big ego) and they can sense this.. bit at this people are so in your face, or get emboldened because they are persistent to win and in that case I call them out. There is no shame in this and I find it bullshit to use supermuch restraint because of fear how the environment wil react. Amog types like this actually count on that shield.

The other day I visited a man.. and we had a normal talk but his son who is a couple of years my junior PUBLICLY tried to dress me down. I didnt even think , I looked at him called him out and forced him to stand down. He apologized later on. I am very certain if I had let that slide he would continue. You feel it in your gut.

Not everyone understands nuanced replies at times it simply about submission and pecking order.

 

[Darius]

1. Acknowledge and / or dismiss it. The key here is to use a dismissive tone, and keep your response short and sweet, e.g. "sure thing", and move on. Or just outright ignore it if it doesn't make you look bad. The idea is they're trying to steal your spotlight and you don't want to give them the time of the day.

this to me is weaksauce. Why would you want to agree with what the guy is saying, nevermind saying something you don't mean? It shows you're afraid of confrontation and your main purpose is to de-escalate the situation. But that can be seen as a sign of weakness. And you're relying on him to "get it" when he can just ignore your tone.

I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.
Sure thing

Actually here's my number, if you guys want to get in touch. Why don't you tell me what you're trying to do?

What would you do then? He just got his frame accepted and now controls the situation.

 

[johndoe]

this to me is weaksauce. Why would you want to agree with what the guy is saying, nevermind saying something you don't mean? It shows you're afraid of confrontation and your main purpose is to de-escalate the situation. But that can be seen as a sign of weakness. And you're relying on him to "get it" when he can just ignore your tone.

You don't have to confront people over everything. Some people are just socially inept, and you calling them out over everything can make you look defensive, or look like a bully. For some situations, giving them an agreement and nothing else can make them look weak:

*You talking to a girl*
Another guy: I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.
You: Sure Bob *pats him on the back*, thanks.
*Back to the girl*
You: ...as I was saying.

I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.
Sure thing

Actually here's my number, if you guys want to get in touch. Why don't you tell me what you're trying to do?

What would you do then? He just got his frame accepted and now controls the situation.

You: Thanks for your offer pal. I'm good for now.

You don't always have to take the steam off others to maintain frame control. Especially in circles that you're in over a long time, slighting people too often can make them bear grudges, then you'll always be on the defensive. On the other hand, if you win 'em over, they'll likely take a more considerate tone towards you over the long run.

For those that don't, then you escalate things.

 

[Darius]

You don't have to confront people over everything. Some people are just socially inept, and you calling them out over everything can make you look defensive, or look like a bully. For some situations, giving them an agreement and nothing else can make them look weak:

*You talking to a girl*
Another guy: I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.
You: Sure Bob *pats him on the back*, thanks.
*Back to the girl*
You: ...as I was saying.

I never proposed going around confronting people over everything, quite the opposite. In my opinion it's best to just ignore it completely or make fun of it, while not accepting it. It's fun for you and for the other guy as well if done properly. It's just a game.

I think your way works with inept people as you said, but I was assuming the target here was a capable person who had his mind set on yanking frame control from the OP. I guess we were just imagining different circumstances. Always a risk with made-up scenarios

You: Thanks for your offer pal. I'm good for now.

He still got his frame accepted and never looked bad. He can throw the question to the group and it's a crapshoot whether they'll refuse him or not. Or he could push the prize frame further-

Him: *with a skeptical face to you* Oh. As you wish guys, I'm not going to be available for long, I've got a lot of other commitments, and a bunch of folks pinging me for help.

Now you look like a questionable leader and he looks like the high value expert that was charitable enough to lend you a hand.

Just my 2 cents. A lot of the times that I accepted frames like this, it did not end well for me. That said, if it consistently gets you good results then fair play to you. I think it's up to each guy to experiment and see what works in the end

 

[Will_V]

Especially in circles that you're in over a long time, slighting people too often can make them bear grudges, then you'll always be on the defensive. On the other hand, if you win 'em over, they'll likely take a more considerate tone towards you over the long run.

I agree. That's a good point, the more you hold back from taking someone to task, the more potential you store up for having a good relationship afterward. Especially when they have said/done something they themselves wouldn't have accepted, and you ignored it, you already broke their frame to some extent.

I always look at it from the point of view that if you are going to win a battle, it had better be a battle that you set the terms of yourself. Otherwise at best you have won someone else's game, and other people's perception of you would be that perhaps you are a 'good defender' which is not ideal.

That's why even if someone was on my case, I would be willing to accept the risk of not reacting enough in the short term so as to sink their little game, but (if I really wanted to beat them) shortly after I would be on the offensive, doing it far better than they. It would be my terms that they had to react to, and everyone would know it.

The thing is, being the aggressor already gives you +1, and being the defender is already -1. So a draw is never really equal. Defending continually always ends in defeat.

 

[johndoe]

I never proposed going around confronting people over everything, quite the opposite. In my opinion it's best to just ignore it completely or make fun of it, while not accepting it. It's fun for you and for the other guy as well if done properly. It's just a game.

I think your way works with inept people as you said, but I was assuming the target here was a capable person who had his mind set on yanking frame control from the OP. I guess we were just imagining different circumstances. Always a risk with made-up scenarios

I get where you're coming from. I guess our viewpoints differ on how important frame control is. I think it is alright to give away a little frame control every now and then if it's a soft attempt to take control of the frame. I tend to only wrest it back if the attempt is overt (e.g. commanding me to do something, or insulting), because those are quite easy to do if you see what's happening.

I find that, with frame grabs on softer attempts, it's very easy to make yourself look clumsy, or like an asshole. This can be a turn-off for women in my experience (maybe because people keep to themselves more where I'm from).

He still got his frame accepted and never looked bad. He can throw the question to the group and it's a crapshoot whether they'll refuse him or not. Or he could push the prize frame further-

Him: *with a skeptical face to you* Oh. As you wish guys, I'm not going to be available for long, I've got a lot of other commitments, and a bunch of folks pinging me for help.

Now you look like a questionable leader and he looks like the high value expert that was charitable enough to lend you a hand.

Just my 2 cents. A lot of the times that I accepted frames like this, it did not end well for me. That said, if it consistently gets you good results then fair play to you. I think it's up to each guy to experiment and see what works in the end

I think there's plenty of material for you to make a rebuttal in a situation like that. People who are genuinely busy, and who are experts at their field, don't normally go around offering their help for free. So him saying this is just him giving you enough rope for you to hang him.

You: Right, you're such a busy man that you're offering your help for free. Cool story brother.

If you want to be nastier, you can even make fun of his personage to discredit him. People who claim they are busy are often just looking for attention, so you can give them that attention by homing in on something funny about him. Maybe he has a weird dress sense, talks funny, or has a questionable track record?

*If he talks funny*
You: Well, before you start, you've got to take that shoe out of your mouth. We can barely understand you.

*Insulting his dress sense*
You: Maybe you want to wear something other than the $2 shirt you're wearing now before dispensing advice. It's really hurting your credibility.

*Questioning his track record*
You: Must be tough meeting all your commitments when you can't even afford a car.

However you choose to pick on him, the key here is that you're not looking for him to agree with you. You're looking to win over the audience, which is usually a girl or a crowd. So you need to be astute enough to see the things that your audience(s) will agree with when they hear it. The general rule of thumb here is to point out something that is obvious, but that no one mentions, so that it becomes a point of humour. If they laugh, they're agreeing with you.

Even if you simply ignore him here, I doubt it will make you look all that bad in most situations. You can just laugh him off and continue doing what you are doing. But maybe that's my non-confrontational side talking

 

[Will_V]

I get where you're coming from. I guess our viewpoints differ on how important frame control is. I think it is alright to give away a little frame control every now and then if it's a soft attempt to take control of the frame. I tend to only wrest it back if the attempt is overt (e.g. commanding me to do something, or insulting), because those are quite easy to do if you see what's happening.

I find that, with frame grabs on softer attempts, it's very easy to make yourself look clumsy, or like an asshole. This can be a turn-off for women in my experience (maybe because people keep to themselves more where I'm from).


I think there's plenty of material for you to make a rebuttal in a situation like that. People who are genuinely busy, and who are experts at their field, don't normally go around offering their help for free. So him saying this is just him giving you enough rope for you to hang him.

You: Right, you're such a busy man that you're offering your help for free. Cool story brother.

If you want to be nastier, you can even make fun of his personage to discredit him. People who claim they are busy are often just looking for attention, so you can give them that attention by homing in on something funny about him. Maybe he has a weird dress sense, talks funny, or has a questionable track record?

*If he talks funny*
You: Well, before you start, you've got to take that shoe out of your mouth. We can barely understand you.

*Insulting his dress sense*
You: Maybe you want to wear something other than the $2 shirt you're wearing now before dispensing advice. It's really hurting your credibility.

*Questioning his track record*
You: Must be tough meeting all your commitments when you can't even afford a car.

However you choose to pick on him, the key here is that you're not looking for him to agree with you. You're looking to win over the audience, which is usually a girl or a crowd. So you need to be astute enough to see the things that your audience(s) will agree with when they hear it. The general rule of thumb here is to point out something that is obvious, but that no one mentions, so that it becomes a point of humour. If they laugh, they're agreeing with you.

Even if you simply ignore him here, I doubt it will make you look all that bad in most situations. You can just laugh him off and continue doing what you are doing. But maybe that's my non-confrontational side talking

I think some of those risk coming off as too insulting.

Remember, the guy offered help, whether or not he was authentic about it, you don't want to dial it up any more than he does.

I would simply say something like "thanks bro, I'll let you know" and turn my body away.

 

[Skills]

Will v has the right answer everything else comes across as to reactive an over compensating.. this the problem when guys join the community and go from beta to overcompensating alphas everything is a frame battle...

 

[DarkKnight]

Will v has the right answer everything else comes across as to reactive an over compensating.. this the problem when guys join the community and go from beta to overcompensating alphas everything is a frame battle...

Im sorry dude but if someone publicly challenges me and gets obnoxious I also put them publicly in place. I dont call that overcompensating or anything. Not everything can be handled, or should be handled in a "zen" way. If you ignore challenges too many times they tend to grow bigger.

I believe in ignoring little sparks, but embers should be smothered.

Addition: calling people.out when the time is right does not have to come from a weak frame..sometimes it is justified. No idea how big the challenges are with the OP. But if someone gets obnoxious I put them in place. Nothing to do with "beta to alpha transition".

 

[Glow]

I always hit back at people who tried to disrespect me even a little bit. However as I have noted many times for outside observers (girls or other people around me) it seems like the persons insult got to me.
I have run into these AMOG situations where some guys in group try to pull me down without reason (they start off well but after sometime it seems like they get into this AMOG mode when girls are around)

Examples -
1) you young guys have so much to learn in life. I will be happy giving you advice.
2) I am much more experienced in 'X', if you need help just ask.

Now these position me as someone who needs help.
I generally call out that they are very desperate to make themselves look better and they are very insecure.

However this sometimes seems to outsiders like his insult got to me.

So how would you guys handle these situations?

Say something along the following with an on top of the world attitude like you dont give any fucks:
thanks man, you rock
i have to warn you im quite slow on the uptake though
took me three years to learn to breathe
just be patient w me

= selfdepreciating or taking the knife with a rockstar confidence

Girls nearby will smile and become attracted to you while the douche want get it and often shoots himself even harder in the foot. Use prolonged EC w tension w a girl to use the moment to connect on erotic levels. Its my default amog method w. bulldozer types. also good for steals.

 

[Fuck This]

Look up any article about Mansplaining...

 

[Skills]

Im sorry dude but if someone publicly challenges me and gets obnoxious I also put them publicly in place. I dont call that overcompensating or anything. Not everything can be handled, or should be handled in a "zen" way. If you ignore challenges too many times they tend to grow bigger.

I believe in ignoring little sparks, but embers should be smothered.

Addition: calling people.out when the time is right does not have to come from a weak frame..sometimes it is justified. No idea how big the challenges are with the OP. But if someone gets obnoxious I put them in place. Nothing to do with "beta to alpha transition".

The guys were offering help those behaviors are fine in different situations no the op scenario

 

[DonGately]

Some good answers in here.
1) 'Sure thing, pal.' Ignore. This is going to be very optimal for most guys. Keep talking to the girl if he interrupts again he looks like a socially-inept try hard and you *have* won.

2) Laugh it off, look at the hot chick, roll your eyes at him.
3) A&A - I don't know how I managed to get this far without you!' Loudly whisper to chick 'I'm gonna do the opposite of what he says...' smile.

4) 'I don't think the guy in the Gap shirt should be offering advice.'
'Get back to me when you're driving a Lambo,'
'Didn't I see you working in the laptop section of Best Buy,' etc.

Only guys who are widely regarded as quick on their feet, and funny, should really do #4. #3 you can have a canned response that cracks everyone up, #4 can easily degenerate into a back and forth and you cannot lose once you start that off.

 

[PalmaSailor]

If they’re at the point where they need to tell you they’re better than you then they’re not.

Either walk away or punch them in the teeth.

Either way they’ll fold.

 

[PalmaSailor]

Im sorry dude but if someone publicly challenges me and gets obnoxious I also put them publicly in place. I dont call that overcompensating or anything. Not everything can be handled, or should be handled in a "zen" way. If you ignore challenges too many times they tend to grow bigger.

I believe in ignoring little sparks, but embers should be smothered.

Addition: calling people.out when the time is right does not have to come from a weak frame..sometimes it is justified. No idea how big the challenges are with the OP. But if someone gets obnoxious I put them in place. Nothing to do with "beta to alpha transition".

Yep. Sometimes twats just need a slap.

 

[DonGately]

Hitting someone over a comment that could be regarded as innocuous is the complete opposite of being a man that women want to be with. And likely to get you arrested and thrown in jail. Have fun spending your weekend there until a judge maybe let's you out on bail on Monday.