Boyfriend Zone Blues

[foggy]

Hello my friends,

First, a little bit of background: I volunteered at a music festival for two days with a girl. During this time I set a frame with her that I am not a committed person. After the festival, she says, "We should hang out again soon"

Considering I had done everything right and set a frame that I assumed would disqualify me as boyfriend material, I thought her interest meant she wanted to do the silly willy with me.

Yesterday she came over to my place. She was resistant to my advances, I didn't even get to kiss her despite being persistent. Later on, she started talking about marriage and relationships. I told her I never want to get married. She inquired further, asking me about relationships. I told her I'm not a committed person and I'm not looking for a relationship. She says, "Says the guy who tried to kiss me an hour ago!" I smiled and laughed. She was trying hard to get me to change my frame, trying to get me to agree with her idea that relationships are awesome. I didn't agree with her. Throughout this conversation topic, she looked quite disappointed....

In further conversation she revealed to me that she just got out of a particularly traumatic relationship and she's trying to catch her breath. She also (subtly) painted a frame that she's not one for casual sex with randoms. Ugh.

So, it's safe to say that I did not do a good enough job initially of setting a proper frame and as a result, our frames clashed. I think it's kind of hilarious to be honest. She's probably thinking, "I thought this guy would be great as a boyfriend, but now he's acting like I'm a sextoy"

She wants to hang out again soon.

I'm pretty sure I'm in the boyfriend zone but I feel there's a chance I might actually just be in the friend zone.

What do you think? How should I handle future interactions with her? I don't want to over provide good feelings in the form of conversation with her, which is high quality. I know I messed up. I should have moved quicker at the festival.

 

[Franco]

backstory,

Generally with girls, it's better to move along the lines of "don't make any promises you can't keep" rather than "state outright what you will and won't do."

It sounds to me like you crushed your chances by directly coming out and telling her that you aren't interested in relationships or monogamy. From her perspective, when you think about it, she now has to say to herself, "is it slutty to sleep with this guy who made it pretty clear he doesn't look for relationships and only for girls who want to have sex?" The decision to sleep with you or not becomes much more difficult for her now. The exception to this might be if you're a traveler or she's visiting your area -- it's already implied that a long-term relationship isn't in the cards between you two.

A better response might have been, "well, marriage and/or children isn't something I'm really thinking about right now. I'm just enjoying life as it comes, and maybe someday that'll be in the cards for me." That lets her know that you aren't a guy who's completely closed off to building a connection and a future with a woman, but you're just not sure if it's the right time for you. At that point, you at least leave her with the option to take or leave what you are offering at that moment (which is sex) with a possibility (but not a promise) of a future together. These terms are much more easier for her to cope with, and she knows what the risks are of getting involved with you.

- Franco

 

[foggy]

Hi Franco. Thanks for your response, it makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm still hanging out with her and I have some feelings for her. She's okay with cuddling but I am met with resistance every time I lean in to kiss her. I'm irked by my mistake and feel kinda stuck over it to be honest. Sometimes I feel like we're not going to kiss until we're actually dating (if that even happens), but I know better than that. I'm going to continue to build tension and create an environment in which she feels comfortable expressing her attraction towards me.