My biggest problem right now is not acting. And I'm going to fix it, by stacking the deck in my favor every way I can.
Like most journals, this one isn't seriously intended for an audience. The point of journaling is the act of journaling; a time to, hopefully, set narcissism aside enough to discover things that sounded better in your head, but now...
So why journal publicly?
I first encountered the seduction community in 2005 -- David DeAngelo specifically. I never made a regular practice of building skills, but I'd reached a point of frustration and loneliness and even betrayal about how poorly all I'd been taught had served me in meeting the most natural of needs that I sought some new answer. And even as an unsteady novice, spectacular things began -- infrequently -- to happen to someone used to brooding on the impossibility of being liked.
And I proceeded to fuck up, fall into victim mentality, and gouge my mind into the dirt of complaining so deep I couldn't comprehend fixing problems even when mentors actually did come to help me.
I've risen, and I've fallen, and now.. I feel frozen. I don't like frozen. I don't like having read tons of articles here, having practiced fundamentals at work, in the grocery store, and out on the town, getting myself out of the house specifically to practice game, with modest goals, and finding myself sitting once again in my familiar coffeeshop making promises to myself to approach the girl I keep looking at, knowing indirect-direct like the back of my hand, while another corner of my mind predictably invents reasons I can't (and knowing exactly why it does it) ...and I'm still just sitting there as she gets her drink and leaves.
There is a future that's like my past, where I do approach, where I do connect, and where it is again no big deal. There's a future beyond that, though, a future I should have made a long time ago. A future beyond what I have done, in which I'm feeling the way I wanted to all the way back in 2005. What I wanted is what, really, we all want -- to feel comfortable going for the experiences I want for no more complicated reason than that I want to. What I didn't know then, looking at the recurring pattern of rejections as a single obstacles to demolish with skill and power somehow, was that being comfortable approaching people you don't know comes first and most of all from being comfortable being who you actually, honestly, are ...in public, with other people.
Small token that this is on what is ultimately a very personal journey, I'm writing this little declaration where anyone could read it. It's not under a pseudonym, and anyone in the place I'm living could find it, including women. And I'm writing it, with all my thoughts and feelings about past and present and what I want to be my future, with the social pressure of knowing there are other people around.
This moment happened to come about, sitting here in my familiar coffeeshop. And the declaration is simply this: I'm done waiting to live my life. And I'm done being ashamed of wanting the life I do; I doubt many people even think I should be! Most of all, I'm surrendering the idea that changes like this have to be such a big deal before they can be real. A struggle isn't the same as a journey. The point of the struggle isn't to struggle; it's to be grateful for how far you've gotten. It is to arrive at the farther shore. And I mean to get there, using every trick in the book to make it easier and more fun.
Like most journals, this one isn't seriously intended for an audience. The point of journaling is the act of journaling; a time to, hopefully, set narcissism aside enough to discover things that sounded better in your head, but now...
So why journal publicly?
I first encountered the seduction community in 2005 -- David DeAngelo specifically. I never made a regular practice of building skills, but I'd reached a point of frustration and loneliness and even betrayal about how poorly all I'd been taught had served me in meeting the most natural of needs that I sought some new answer. And even as an unsteady novice, spectacular things began -- infrequently -- to happen to someone used to brooding on the impossibility of being liked.
And I proceeded to fuck up, fall into victim mentality, and gouge my mind into the dirt of complaining so deep I couldn't comprehend fixing problems even when mentors actually did come to help me.
I've risen, and I've fallen, and now.. I feel frozen. I don't like frozen. I don't like having read tons of articles here, having practiced fundamentals at work, in the grocery store, and out on the town, getting myself out of the house specifically to practice game, with modest goals, and finding myself sitting once again in my familiar coffeeshop making promises to myself to approach the girl I keep looking at, knowing indirect-direct like the back of my hand, while another corner of my mind predictably invents reasons I can't (and knowing exactly why it does it) ...and I'm still just sitting there as she gets her drink and leaves.
There is a future that's like my past, where I do approach, where I do connect, and where it is again no big deal. There's a future beyond that, though, a future I should have made a long time ago. A future beyond what I have done, in which I'm feeling the way I wanted to all the way back in 2005. What I wanted is what, really, we all want -- to feel comfortable going for the experiences I want for no more complicated reason than that I want to. What I didn't know then, looking at the recurring pattern of rejections as a single obstacles to demolish with skill and power somehow, was that being comfortable approaching people you don't know comes first and most of all from being comfortable being who you actually, honestly, are ...in public, with other people.
Small token that this is on what is ultimately a very personal journey, I'm writing this little declaration where anyone could read it. It's not under a pseudonym, and anyone in the place I'm living could find it, including women. And I'm writing it, with all my thoughts and feelings about past and present and what I want to be my future, with the social pressure of knowing there are other people around.
This moment happened to come about, sitting here in my familiar coffeeshop. And the declaration is simply this: I'm done waiting to live my life. And I'm done being ashamed of wanting the life I do; I doubt many people even think I should be! Most of all, I'm surrendering the idea that changes like this have to be such a big deal before they can be real. A struggle isn't the same as a journey. The point of the struggle isn't to struggle; it's to be grateful for how far you've gotten. It is to arrive at the farther shore. And I mean to get there, using every trick in the book to make it easier and more fun.
