Build a Social Empire

[Estate]

Ok, so I made that sound very grand indeed.

But would anyone here be experienced enough or care to broach the topic? If you moved to a new country tomorrow where you know nobody... what would you do?

I've got quite good over the past 2 years at meeting people but honestly, it's all very superficial. People tend to come and go. Personally I can't make real connections with people who are only looking to "take" from me. But unfortunately what I find is that building relationships as an adult is very much about bringing some value to the table, instead of trying to leech off others or jump in on their plans.
The downside I'm finding is that there are very few people who see this as actually valuing you as a person, but more... valuing what they can get from you, and that alone.

In terms of pickup... it's mixed bag, we can argue social circle vs. cold approach all day. However, the point I'm at right now is this. I game solo mostly, as I just don't know any guys who can keep up, or can handle hanging without becoming resentful or basically using you as a pivot to approach but then trying to blow you out with little game, thus scaring women away. While cold approach undoubtedly works, I'm finding it all terribly time consuming. I go out at night more now. I approach by day. I approach when and where I can. But in order to keep a steady stream of people in my life it feels like I am devoting SO much time to all of this.
I have feel I have other things going on in my life where I need to cut back. For example, I sometimes feel I "should" go out because it's Friday night but really what I want is an early night and to get up early, go on a long run, to the gym and be productive with my day and work on other things.

Thoughts?

 

[mindful]

Hey man. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately too. And i think you hit the nail on the head. You need to bring value to those that you want to become friends with. Be proactive and figure out more of whats going on in their life, invite them to do things. Just like you need to take action with women, you need to take action when trying to get new friends... especially post-college.

For the longest time I've been the person that just likes to sit back and do things when other people want to.(granted it was something i was interested in). And this worked great in college, high school, etc. But i soon realized that once you get in the real world you need to put in more effort than you're used to.

I'm not gonna lie, the two people I hang out with the most are from work. I am in a somewhat unique situation in that i work for a smaller company and there are a decent amount of younger people there around my age who are pretty cool and down to hang out if you suggest things to do (grab a drink for happy hour, go grab food, go out, do an activity, etc).

It also gets tough because some people will have a girlfriend and they basically just become a ghost outside of work, or they already have their group of friends to hang out with.

So yeah, just put in more effort and add value. That's the best advice I can give.

 

[mindful]

I have feel I have other things going on in my life where I need to cut back. For example, I sometimes feel I "should" go out because it's Friday night but really what I want is an early night and to get up early, go on a long run, to the gym and be productive with my day and work on other things.

Thoughts?

Same here bro. Honesty the older I get (only 26), the more I like having a schedule to maximize my time, especially outside of work. Like this past weekend i was out til like 4-5 AM both nights. It's something I rarely do but then it just throws off the next day. I'm actually gonna try and pose a 2-2:30 AM cutoff just so i can keep my schedule mostly on track.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

The problem has been discussed a few times here on this site, after college it does seem like a lot of Americans end up settling down in terms of family or are too stressed about their career prospects to want to hang out with friends. I believe you said you lived in Boston on your past posts which is good news because it does have a lot of colleges. My suggestion to you would be to get involved in more social groups and maybe even find some fraternal type of organizations to be a part of. Not sure how it works in Ireland but here in the US, people make their closest friends when they are involved with them in a common goal. In college that common goal is classes and trying to make it through which is why Greek Life is so popular, because people form a brotherhood type of bond with a select group. What unites people more than anything is a common goal whether it is a hobby or some sort of belief, through that people become close friends. Just going around and cold approaching random people is not going to be enough to make friends that want to go out and do things with you.

 

[Estate]

Before I say this... I admit. I could be totally wrong and miserable judging thing in general.

But are you guys over emphasizing the whole Greek thing?

Now while we don't have that exact thing where I'm from. We do have clubs and various types of societies in college which creates cliques. For us sports is a big thing... I.e. The GAA and rugby players are the "celebrities" of the campus. We have the jocks the geeks the popular girls, etc. Maybe the actual breakdown of what makes someone "popular" in school is different but it's still there.

However. I'm slowly creeping up on 30 years of age. And since leaving college none of that has mattered. The second you leave college those cliques don't exist anymore in the real world and while many go on the successful and fulfilling lives I've also seen people become complete disasters afterwards as they are suddenly lost without this bubble they lived in.

In the States.. I know Greek culture is a thing but since I'm not dealing with college kids. Nobody has ever brought it up to me in conversation like it gets talked about here. Maybe some people I know did it. Some didn't but even a few years after college it's just a non factor.

Or at least that's what I thought. Am I way off in this? Because obviously I was never here of university age so I could never be in a frat but you guys talk like that is the end of it then??

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I was simply using "Greek Life" as an example for how people make close friends in the USA. The impression I get from your post is that you are simply meeting people randomly and then asking them to go out with you to which they usually don't respond as well, reason is because most people after college are not that open to making friends. Most people in the US make their closest and tightest friends in high school and college, if not even before then. The reason is that during these times people are actually in the same location for a few years and are working towards a common goal (getting an education). When that is the case, people make friends along the way and tend to get along the way who they can spend time with.

Now Greek Life is big here in the US because students who work towards a common goal have a particular group to belong to and are a part of that group, it is almost like being a part of a team or a brotherhood for a few years.

The reason your social empire is not being build is because you are not working towards the same goal as these people. I would recommend joining some clubs or looking into being a part of some organizations which relate to your interests, that way you can make friends. You are complaining about people trying to leech off of you because you are just randomly meeting people which makes the interactions superficial. Now if you were meeting people at clubs you are a part of and have things in common with, you would be making better friends.

That said, I would like to know more about building a social empire thing too because life here in the US does seem to end after college in that regard. Most people get busy with their work, settle down with a loved on, become parents, and forget about making friends. People are more about caring for their families and loved ones rather than making friends with some strangers. So to some extent, life does kinda end after college.