Building a social circle at 34?

[addman17]

I'm 34, not married, currently employed and living in NYC. I had a few friends when I was in college and after that kind of lost touch and now find myself in a place where most weekends I have nothing to do. I've dated and been in relationships but right now I'm focused on getting the platonic friendships aspect of my life sorted. Ironically I struggle with that more than dating.

I'll be walking past a bar at night and see groups of guys and girls all hanging out. Or I'll be driving and look over to see a group of people headed into the city for a fun night.

About two weeks ago I was a bar with my brother and the table next to us had six really attractive girls and chill cool "high" value guys sitting next to them. They were talking about how they were going to be on a boat next weekend and wanted to invite person so and so.

Problem is for me, other than a bar where do you go to meet "high" value people? I've tried meetup.com, and unfortunately it's awkward people most of the time. I'm not in college so I can't really join a frat, etc and most of my coworkers are older, I'm the youngest there.

I have a high paying job so I'm not going to become a DJ or bartender or what have you to try and meet new people.

Back to the example of being in the bar earlier in the week. Maybe some of you will say that I should have found a way to interject myself and start a convo with the group. I'll be honest and say that I don't have the guts to straight up approach a large group and hold court and entertain my way.

I feel stuck, and not really sure where to go to meet ppl my age. A place that isn't as tough as walking up to a group at a bar and trying to be let in.

 

[Skjöldr]

The gym, places where people with same interests as you hang out. Like chess clubs, rowing clubs, yoga classes whatever

 

[Sky]

Hey buddy! Quite the tricky situation here, the best way however is cold approach. Back when I was visiting Taiwan, I was able to get a circle of friends through cold approaching at bars/club. Imo this is the easiest way and hardest.

I realised that as you grow older, people around you like to act cool and not engage in conversations esp in public. If you're that one person that's ballsy enough to cold approach, have a fun vibe and giving value you'll be accepted into a group. It also helps if you have great fundamentals too.
Unfortunately, a lot of this requires high positive energy to achieve maximum effect (again from experience, I may be wrong).

 

[Skjöldr]

Yeah whenever i go out at night i naturally just make male friends that i could easily follow up with, but my focus is usually on the chicks and i have enough friends so i don't bother but it's def a possibility

 

[Don Giovanni]

Hey man,

I’m younger than you and have had trouble with dating after the quarantine, but my social circle is starting to explode.

What I have found out... Be nice to everyone, try to see good in all people (even if they’re pieces of shit).

Don’t try to make friends. Cold approach and try to bring good vibes to the group without expectations, just have fun. Don’t take value, offer value.

You can organize something and then invite people you meet via cold approach. A barbecue, party, hiking trip, whatever it is you can bring to the table.

I did a small event/ big party recently, which opened some doors for me. I got invited elsewhere after that. I also play the guitar and got invited to 2 places just because of that.

Offer something valuable to people and they will appreciate it.

Hope that helps.

 

[Militarybrat]

Hey addman,

I'm an old silverback building and maintaining a social circle is a lot of work.

You use the word friends quite loosely as a friend has your back no matter what. A friend will chastise you when you are wrong yet still have your back. Is always there when shit goes bad, comes and picks your drunk ass up at 3am when you can't get yourself home.

Seems to me you are looking for a party circle they come with lots of drama and will hang you out to dry.

The good thing is you seem to be leaving work at work where it belongs.

What do you like to do get out and do it. The wonders of the internet can put you in groups of like minded people.

Put your big boy pants on approach introduce yourself and see what happens. If you do not approach the answer is no, If you do approach and get a no what has changed NOTHING. So you have everything to gain and nothing to lose so go for it!

One last thing the NYC state of mind can be rough and tumble don't get butt hurt by it. Thicken that skin up and enjoy it can be a blast.

Brat

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I can kind of relate with you OP but after putting some time into it, I saw my social life skyrocket after my early twenties. In any activity I did though, I kind of ended up seeing it as a marketing funnel. You might get into a say acting class with 20 people but you are lucky if 2 end up remaining your friends. Here is what I did to make a lot of new friends.

1. Went to networking events for my industry. If you go to them then you will find other people who are in your profession, have your common struggles, but are not your coworkers either so they are not exactly competition. Hard to make friends with coworkers.

2. Took up classes I was passionate about and wanted to explore. I did MMA and Improv over a period of two years. Most people I forgot and so I moved on. I made a total of 8 true friends from these classes who I can hit up for drinks and through them I met their friends.

3. Kept in touch with former coworkers, once they are former coworkers they are no longer competition and make for better friends. I met some of their friends and stayed friends with them.

4. The best one. Right now due to lock down, whatever you are in for your career or hobby, they likely have massive groups formed. My friend is in sales and they have a group of 4k salespeople formed and are now starting local chapters. Already he has made 5 good friends during quarantine as a result. Unique time to be alive.

I have not had much success cold approaching. Best I get is maybe a number and a couple of days later the dude forgets that we hung out.

 

[Toby2030]

I have a quite large social circle myself and use a lot of time and energy on expanding it. The basics of creating a social circle can be broken down into these things:
1. Get access to people
Do some kind of activity where you meet new people, who are the kind of people that do the things you like to do.
2. Offer value
Figure out what they want, what they like, and offer value that fills that need. I use a lot of time in circles with other entreprenours myself, and if I can't offer them anything of value to them, we simply have nothing to do with each other. Every friendship is more or less, a value exchange. Some people just want fun, drinks or play mini-golf. Others hate drinking, focus 100% on their business and are only interested in people that can help their business grow. Find out what you want, and seek the people you would like in your social circle.
3. Create events and Invite people
Literally just ask. A lot of people don't have big social circles because they are afraid of just asking people to join.

 

[Fuck This]

By taking part in an individual activity done in groups. Hike run or bike? you meet new people at rides, runs hikes and races. Some of these have age classes and you can find people your age. Talking about the event and comparing your experiences is a good icebreaker.

One of the best way to create a connection is to say "I'm new in town", Chamber of Commerce events, Active 20-30, Professional societies, etc. they are usually social friendly people. They have this weird need to be social matchmakers. it's a start.

Clients and vendors. I'm friends with a lot of my sales reps. They have introduced me to people on my side of the business as well.

Interest groups on Facebook or Forums. I met a group of people who all attended a national competition. We all agreed to meet at a certain hotel bar, and we recognized each other from photos on the forum. The friendships from that meeting lasted longer than the forum.