Can I take this approach in relationships?

[JimmyB]

I'm writing out what attributes I look for in a girl physically and personality-wise. It helps me to break down what it is I like and don't like in women and allows me to filter and save time. I think somewhere on this site it's reccomended to write out all of your dream girl's attributes. Or maybe it was another site. Either way I think it's helpful.

Anyways, I've concluded I'm not big on plans - I like to play it by ear and take a situation as it comes. I don't like people that plan everything out to a T. I do well with people who are a similar to me and not very particular about what we're doing/where we're going to eat - we just drive and find a new place. I know we'll always end up somewhere so it's not a big deal to me. When I say "people" I'm thinking of friends (guy friends). Would things be any different in a relationship (girlfriend)? This site always talks about leading (which I do) but I like to get input and be more collaborative rather than saying "We're going to x for dinner" and not even asking her preferences.

 

[Fuck This]

Some dynamics in life are the same whether it is talking with friends, colleagues, SO's or women you want to screw.

I'm sure you know how to word a question so you get the response you want, ie: "Heads I win Tails you lose?"

The key is to get what you want without losing your self respect or the respect of the people with you.

In the example of choosing a restaurant you know you want someplace with a quiet dark corner where you can escalate kino. You preface the question by seeding the positive reinforcement.

"you like a good wine list right?" "yeah"
"you like outdoor booths?" "yeah"
"you enjoy Mediterranean small plates right?" "Oh YES!"

Great! I know this awesome place down on 4th and Vine. C'mon I'll take you...

Commonly called a YES ladder.

Last thing you want to do is take someone some place they will not enjoy themselves. Especially if they have some diet restriction.

 

[Drck]

Agree with the above, in order to keep the attraction you have to lead...

What you describe is a normal behavior of most guys. Mostly we don't care where and what we eat and where we go, we are open minded, we go with the flow... But that is the reasons why most guys are having difficulties with girls...

See, girls are looking for a MAN, for a Leader, for a guy who knows what he wants, and then goes for it. You cannot lead her if you don't care about what you eat and where, if you don't care about where to go and what to do... If you don't lead you are a Laggard, and she doesn't want you because she already has 50 other Laggards in her life, and she can find another 100 just like that in the next two weeks... Simple as that...


So what does it mean to lead? It starts with simple things, such as saying what you like...

For example, I can drink most drinks - white wine, red wine, beer, martini, whiskey... Do I tell her "hey, lets go and have some drink at some place, it doesn't really matter what and where"? Nope, because it is not specific, you are not expressing what you want, you are not leading, you just don't care...

So I say instead: "hey, lets go and have a red wine at this particular place (name the place)". It is a huge difference, you are quite specific, you are showing that you want something. You are Leading...

Now, she may follow your lead or she may not. Chances are that at the beginning she may give you some 'hard time' couple of times, sort of disagree with you: "yea, but I don't really like red wine, maybe we shouldn't go. Maybe we should go to another place, another time"... She probably doesn't care much about where to go and what to eat either, but she is (perhaps subconsciously) just testing your true ability to lead, your confidence as a MAN...

It depends on the overall situation, how much she is invested into you and how much she likes you, but it doesn't matter much. So you say: "Alright, that's fine. What do you like? Do you like white wine or Martini? Why don't we go to another place (name the place) then"... Now you are showing that you are fine when she disagrees with you, yet you are still offering another place and drink. You are still leading...

Or even better, she may offer what she likes and where, so I would simply let her lead at this time and go where she likes - but the next time I get the opportunity, I will be again specific about what I like and/or what to do. For example, you get to the place of her choice, and now the waitress is asking you: "Where do you want to sit: booth or table?" So you look at her and perhaps say: "I prefer booth if you don't mind"...

See, and you are back in charge. You are doing what she wants to do and what she likes - but at the same time you still in charge, you are still choosing some things, you are still leading... Who really cares whether it is booth or table? Most people don't care, either one is fine, but you showed her that you know what you want, and that you are leading... and that's what's important...

... you don't have to become obsessed with leading, it's good enough if you lead 50-60-70% of the time. Let her lead too so she doesn't get the impression that you are anxious control freak...

Once you are leading, you are automatically in dominant position, and she is submissive. Unless she is fat, ugly and outspoken feminist, she will always enjoy men who are leading...

So who cares about where you are going to eat or drive? YOU do, you do care because it is very important in her eyes...

 

[JimmyB]

Thanks for the great responses. Drck that about sums it up. I guess I DO care where we go/what we do, I'm just not big on planning out in advance.