Can You Teach an Old Dog New Tricks?

[PrancingRabbit]

Workshop

Lines from a cold-approach conversation report in this thread:
Me: "What's the plan?"
Her: "Going to a bonfire later tonight, then I'm spending the night at my friend Michelle's house."

Reading this just now, I feel myself become stiff and numb. I have two instantanious thoughts:
I want to be there.
I will get rejected there.

Another conversation:
Me: "You're not just flirting with so I'll be a client, right?" (said this playfully)
Her: "Who me? Of course not! Don't be silly!" (sarcastic tone)
Me: "Hmmmm, do I detect a hint of sarcasm!?" (mocked her)
Her: "Just a little" (we were both laughing)
Me: "I like a girl who can make me laugh. Anyway, (shaked my hands outs) let's get down to business. Do you see any possible hair styles working?"
Her: "Hmm I playing around with a few ideas in my head..."
Me: "Ohhh! What kind of ideas?" ( I said this very very sexy!)
Her: "Just....a .... you know... just.. a few ideas for your hair..."
Me: (skeptical look) "This is gonna end up like Zohan isn't it!?" (dude bangs his clients after cutting their hair)
Her: "Let's just focus on one thing at a time, you're making me lose my concentration"
Me: "Ohhh sorry, was just having fun, let's get serious" (mockingly stern face)
Her: she busts out laughing! "Ohh stop, I really don't know what to do with you!"
Me: "I have a few ideas "

Reading this second one makes me squirm. This is a once in a lifetime performance for me. Literally, I have teased at this level only once. I fell in love with the girl and have not tried it since. I remember being so nervous that I thought I was going to have a stroke or something and die. It was so exhilirating. I'm 41 now. All this time has gone by and I have yet to put myself out there like this again. And I've been on here claiming that I'm practicing radical acceptance in the hopes that I will be able to do this effortlessly (read: without my heart jumping out of my chest) as a result. In spite of what I'm about to share, this emotional response has caused me to feel a thick, heavy-ass wave of inner despair. This is very normal, workaday stuff for me by the way, which should not surprise anyone reading between the lines in most if not all of the above posts of mine.

For now, I offer two resolutions. One is that the reason putting myself out there so makes me squirm is because I'm still working through the trauma. Well, the middle school trauma and the wave of failures to thrive that have been my lot in life since. I am in that category of people who lacks love of self. If I can't even read a transcription of-- or watch on TV or witness at a club-- a person being flirtatious and sexually communicative without deep-seated feelings of despair, I can't expect to feel anything different when I go out and compare my performance, in vivo, with those other performances or what I'm reading in my head but failing to put out into the world. So, I am in the right place, working on that. I hope writing this out works. I don't know what else to do at this point.

The second way I'm feeling ok-to-good about feeling the shit-feelings I just encountered as I read these convorsations is that I derived a moment of brilliance from doing so, which is as follows. Re: the first convo, after going through the self-effacement of craving the invite to the bonfire and subsequent invite into the bedroom for a threesome as if I was there, I replayed the convo in my head again, and I experienced a genuine, raw emotion which was identifiable as that which I know I have convinced myself I need to hide in order to survive, in this situation at least. That emotion is lust. Can't show lust. (Can't show interest. Can't show vulnerable side any which way. People will eat you up. Life will eat you up. So much trauma in middle school, oy vey!) This is brilliant for because I was still replaying in my mind, and so I could see the girl's response; and I don't usually experience "top level" emotions like that without supressing them. I really, honestly believe that feeling raw emotions during a visualization represents progress for me.

Rather than continue into that, I'll close this post by reiterating that competitive teasing-- genuine flirting of a verbal kind-- is the most fun, exhilirating thing I have ever experienced. I have yet to admit that I have only accomplished this one time. I've admitted it to therapists, actually. Each time I have, I've done so with a self-defeating attitude. Now, I'm trying again. I'm functioning at a low level but I return over and over to gratitude, radical self-acceptance, the visualizations, counting the breath, etc. Perhaps I'm going to have a breakthrough at some point. And perhaps when I do, I'll know what to do with it. Oh fuck it, I feel hopeless and stating that is the point of this blog post.

Well at least I said everything on my mind. LOL

 

[PrancingRabbit]

No Fap Report: A Short Story

Self-gratification does not sound like "fap-fap-fap" to me. I don't have any idea where people get the term "fap" from.

.Not to be insouciant about the matter. My pal Francis is on day two of the second five-day no-fap challenge he's begun this month with a buddy of his, me. I broke down three times during the first one and, notwithstanding a single session immediately after agreeing to the redux, have been impeccible thus far on this.

Damn, those cravings! They are so insidious. If you have a craving, you have to masturbate. Let me repeat that one more time:

If you have a craving, you have to masturbate. Once more:

If you have a craving, you have to spank it. It's three a.m. What is a man to do?

It's written in the Tao.

What I'm trying to say is that, let's say you are sitting on your couch at home, alone-- and for no apparent reason, you have a sudden overwhelming urge to masturbate. For anyone who is jut joining us-- what should you do? Well, obviously...

Masturbate. And then feel bad about it, unless you can convince yourself that it's just the course of nature, and you were meant to masturbate in that moment. Those are the best ones, especially if you've been doing it all day long. In an hour or so, or even less, if, inexplicably, you urgently feel like masturbating again, you should. And if it's not urgent then, it will be eventually-- so just go ahead and do it now. When it is urgent, do it once more then as well.

Fap-fap-fap.

The small child ate all the marshmellows. How many were there? Five bags full. Where is the child now?

If he ever comes out of it, we can be fairly certain that he will become a chronic masturbater as an adult.

That is exactly what happened to Francis. He ate five bags of marshmellows when he was two, went into a coma, recovered, and literally became a chronic masturbater eleven years later. And has been ever since. Scary.

F-ing Christ. Only three days to go.

 

[PrancingRabbit]

Break From The Forum

I'm taking a break from this to work on my mental health. I've gotten a lot out of Girls Chase. I've been using this space to motivate me to journal, and journal I have. I've poured my heart out here. I've also learned from, connected through and posted on other users' threads, read many articles, and been a periodic contributer to the chat. Why I'm leaving is because I have some legal problems I have to deal with and I need to try to get back to work.

Didn't want y'all to think I'd quit. I may step back into the seduction fray eventually. Or I could be one of those guys who gives up on the player's lifestyle after a certain amount of effort.

For now, I wish everyone the best of luck.