Can't Finish

[Tony A]

I met this girl at a bar and hit things off. I couldn't manage bring her back to my place so I settled for the phone number. A week later she claims she's lost interest in me and tells me she want's to just be friends. I say no and stop talking to her for about a week. I set out a goal to finish what i started and at the end of the week, I bring her back to my place and bang her. She spends the night but I could still tell that she wasn't yet sold on me. After a few days, I sit down to address the whole situation and she says now that she's interested in me still but "doesn't know" if she likes me like that. We have been talking more but I still feel like things are slipping out of my hand and I'm slowly losing my patience. I can get other girls but I really want this one. How can I get this girl to be head over heels for me?

Thank you,

Tony.

 

[Seppuku]

Hello Tony,

You don't give much details of your interaction with her.

But I'm ready to bet that she is testing your frame. She "doesn't know" if she likes you like that. If you give in to this and change the way you're doing things with her, you would be breaking your frame. Her attraction to you would then go down.

Also, for the record, I have found consistently that a girl really starts feeling she "belongs" to you, after the second lay.

So I would say, the best is to ignore completely. Don't argue with her whether you should be like that or not. Set up a second meeting. Take her to bed again. This might involve re-seducing her to some extent - you can't fully take what already happened for granted at this stage.

Your frame is, you're a lover of women. You take her to bed. She tries to destabilize you by her "doesn't know" comment. But you hold your ground, you keep your frame, you really are a lover of women. You let her speak and seduce her again. After a second lay, she will be much more submissive and sweetheart to you.

Cheers
Seppuku

 

[Tony A]

Thank you Seppuku!

I apologize for how little detail I gave about the situation before; I'm new to this.

I actually managed to do exactly what you advised me to do last night before you advised me to do so. My interactions with this girl are usually good and conversation flows easily, even though she isn't much of a talker to people she is trying to get comfortable around. When she texts me, her response times would range anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours(she'd almost always respond). But I never broke frame or became needy even though I was so close to just ending the whole thing and dropping her.

After flirting with her and getting positive but minimal feedback, I was starting to feel worn out and tired.
I don't think she ever picked up on how annoyed I was getting but after I ignored a few of her texts, she called to invite herself over.

I then proceeded to pull off THE SECOND LAY! The first time I took her to bed I tried to make it slow and intimate. This time however, I hate banged the crap out of this girl. All that pent-up frustration had to go somewhere....

It went well! She stayed over again and we got to talking about things that were very personal to one another. She began telling me how she was starting to become more comfortable around me and that she was starting to trust me.

I think that things will be alright and my feelings are reassured by your advice Seppuku, so thank you so much! If you have anymore advice on the situation, it would be greatly appreciated.

I will re-update this post later but until then
Thanks Again,
Tony

 

[Seppuku]

Well done!

It works as advertised here.

Your frame is, you're a lover of women. You take her to bed. She tries to destabilize you by her "doesn't know" comment. But you hold your ground, you keep your frame, you really are a lover of women. You let her speak and seduce her again. After a second lay, she will be much more submissive and sweetheart to you.

It's the second lay, she should now be much more into you. My only advice, for this girl and all others, keep your frame at all times.

Seppuku

 

[Tony A]

Sorry to bother again. It's only been a few days but a lot has happened. I thought things were going well but I guess somewhere along the line, I must have messed up or came across as too clingy or needy. I am a college student and live on campus so being that everyone was away for the holidays, I offered for her to hangout later in the day when she was available. Friday night was when we had sex. The next night she offered to come over again, but this time she said she was tired so we cuddled for a few hours and then she left. Sunday night, I asked her to come over and she told me that she thought we would get "tired of each other" so she did't want to hang out.

I was somewhat expecting this reaction so I agreed and decided to make a little space. The next day she offered to hangout a different day.

The next morning she tells me that she wants to come over. Although I thought allowing her to come over would be a bad move on my part, I agreed anyways and so she did. Low and behold, she came over and we watched a movie for an hour and then she complained that she was tired again. I said alright, and she kissed me and went back to her room.

Just a few moments later, I get a text saying:

"Hey sorry I've been distance.. I just think this is not for me.. I want to be close but I don't like the way it feels.. I feel like this isn't going to go anywhere and I'm sorry I didn't mean to waste your time
It's really not you.. I'm sure you know, it's just me
What I'm trying to say is that I'm not ready for anything serious.. Maybe we could just do something casual on the weekends or something ?"

And I have absolutely no idea how to react. I always had this strange feeling that maybe I was forcing relationship too hard but I figured that if she was as into me as I was into her, that wouldn't have mattered. I haven't responded to the text because I've managed to keep my cool thus far, but on the inside i am....

Where do I go from here?
Sincerely,
Tony

 

[Raqimus]

You are sending mixed signals. You are inviting her over too much, which makes her think this guy really likes me blah blah, when she wants something casual. You came off as a lover but are throwing in boyfriend vibes. Just hit her up for sex but not soo often. Every 7-10 days, not the next day or a couple days after... If you do want a relationship after a while she will push for it, but you should not be pushing for it, and that is what she feels like is happening.

Thats my read.

 

[Tony A]

Thanks for the advice Raqimus, this makes me feel a lot better.

I tried to avoid this situation but I did exactly what I feared I would do. I just didn't understand because she was the primary one insisting that I hangout with her. I had only asked once because I figured that that was what she wanted. Regardless, my gut told me to turn her down but I ignored the intuition. Like you said, I noticed how she wasn't pushing for a relationship and I let it throw me off my game.

Thankfully, since i've had the strange feeling that this was going to happen, I managed to pocket 2 other numbers from different girls last week.

She wants to talk to me later about the whole thing so i told her i would talk to her when i had the time.

Any ideas on what I should say/could say and be able to not break frame? I could think of a few but I'm really grateful and impressed by all the advice I've received so far. I'm truly okay with the only seeing her every once in a while.

Thanks again it really means a lot,
Tony

 

[Tony A]

Update:

She wants to be friends with benefits.

 

[WayOfHand]

For some reason I get a vibe that you are very reactive. Such as

She wants to be friends with benefits.

It sets stronger foundation if the frame is set by you and she bends to your frame. As so many have already adviced: See her once a week and for the first couple times always! have sex with her. This is important.

You set the pace, do what you want. Of course dont be insensitive. But your problem is definetely more on the side of beeing too sensitive.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Tony,

the guys did put it up nicely.

You broke your frame many times and became incongruent with the image of the lover guy who seduced her two times in a row:

* When she wants to come over, you're always available.
* When you want her to come over she declines as being afraid to get tired of each others
* When she complains of being tired, you just back off from sex, I guess with little to no resistance

She's already calling the shots as she pleases! Also, she met you two times at your place with no sex happening, it is starting to sound de facto "just friends". Be careful, girls are champions at frame control. Be aware of what frame she is pushing at all times. Don't let yourself distracted from your own frame by her attempts to deviate you away from it.

Sex is non negociable. You make it happen each times you two meet. Very important. In girls minds, that's what "real men" do.

Her: I'm tired!
You: Good! Now remove this trousers darling

This one is a little cocky, but the idea is you ignore her BS and proceed.

It is much more efficient to let her come to you instead. You're always a little less available than she would like. Try to stick to once a week as a guideline, to start with. No need to explain yourself, you're a busy man, but have a couple reasons ready in case she really insists. If you're less available than what she would like, she'll be soon the one chasing, which sets you in the comfortable position.

For the relationship, there's no need to worry about it. For now, just enjoy the benefits of regular sex without the constraints of relationship. She will be the one pushing for it soon enough if you do things right.

Cheers,
Seppuku
PS. Never stop gaming other girls on the side

 

[Tony A]

Thank you two for the advice. I will try to follow it as best I can.

My main concern is, is it expected that I'm going to be the one hitting her up to hangout if I'm only going to do it once a week? (We text like once a week) We do not talk often and I don't want to assume that my time to keep her interest is running out but I feel like that's the way it is headed. If and when I run into her, its always a short hi and bye. I guess that's expected too but it doesn't really help spark attraction. The past couple times I have been the one initiating conversation so I'm going to just lay off for a bit, relax, and let her come to me. Even though I've laid her twice, this attraction expiration date has me a little worried.

The hardest part for me to overcome right now is me mentally defeating myself by thinking too much about the situation. I convince myself that certain things may be true when they aren't and when I act on these thoughts and emotions is when I begin to slip up.

I will read back up on the basic fundamentals of attraction but this girl is clearly completely throwing me off my game.

Once again, thank you for the advice it is very appreciated,
Tony.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Tony,

Even though I've laid her twice, this attraction expiration date has me a little worried.

This window is the little amount of time that a girl gives you to prove her you're "a real man", starting right after you two met for the first time in a romantic context (e.g. first date). You managed to bed her before expiration. Trust me, it would have gone in limbo before you could get her in bed, otherwise. You're way past the expiration window problems with her.

My main concern is, is it expected that I'm going to be the one hitting her up to hangout if I'm only going to do it once a week? (We text like once a week) We do not talk often and I don't want to assume that my time to keep her interest is running out but I feel like that's the way it is headed. If and when I run into her, its always a short hi and bye. I guess that's expected too but it doesn't really help spark attraction.

You're still worried about sparking attraction, but it seems to me that you already did a good job on attracting her. You've done your part. Now, it's one of two possibilities. Either she likes you and then she'll be back to you. Or she doesn't, and then there isn't much more you can do.

The past couple times I have been the one initiating conversation so I'm going to just lay off for a bit, relax, and let her come to me.

It is your best course of action I think. Always being initiating makes you look try hard. Sit back, relax, and let her come. If she likes you, she will be back.

The hardest part for me to overcome right now is me mentally defeating myself by thinking too much about the situation. I convince myself that certain things may be true when they aren't and when I act on these thoughts and emotions is when I begin to slip up.

That's a good sign that you need to pull back a little and focus on other girls. You can't make your happiness depend on one particular outcome.

Relax! On the bright side of things, you took her to bed like a boss. Give yourself a little pat in the back. See if you can renew the experience with other girls (answer is yes). Take another 20 or 50, and you will have a very different perspective on things!

Cheers,
Seppuku