Cold approach is very hard. How do I keep my hunger for success?

[kristian]

After about 100 approaches the last seven weeks I have managed to get 3 dates. That means that my approach to date-ratio is about 1/33, meaning I have to approach around 30 girls to get one date. However, because my new goal is to get one date a week from daygame - that means that I need to approach five girls every day six days a week!

I've come to realize that five girls a day is still a lot for me, but I really want to become better with women. Five approaches is only slightly two more per day than I am usually doing now. But at the same time, just being able to approach one girl is still very hard. And its even harder when I realize that with my current skill-set and intuition, I need to talk to 30 girls just to get a date. Is there a way for me to motivate myself to take action to approach even more girls that I am doing now?

Like I mentioned on this forum earlier, my biggest hurdles to overcome are the feeling of lonelinesshttps://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=11980&p=60415#p60415 and the exhaustion https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=11796&p=59485#p59485 after a day of meeting girls. It still feels like I am spinning the wheel when it comes to women. And even approaching the first woman each day is still almost impossible for me. I mean - unless she is very clear with her signs - it feels like I have to force myself into taking action. So how do I get myself motivated to increase my approach rate, see it as practice and continue this road?

I really need some advice cos after three months of learning and applying game to strangers, and still not getting laid from it - I feel like the results I want (to bed women with this approach) are too far ahead. I know that I only been applying this for three months and only been serious for one month. But I still feel like I don't have what it takes to reach my goals. How long did it take you guys to get women in your bed consistently ? And how can I keep the hunger for success alive despite all the rejections and slow results?

 

[Mr.Rob]

Dude you have what it takes as long as you want it bad enough.

I'd be pretty happy with a 1 date per 30 approaches ratio that's awesome man!

I think your biggest stumbling block is just getting over approach anxiety. If it didn't drain you so much to go approach and approaching was more or less second nature then approaching 30 girls a week wouldn't be an issue am I correct?

One thing I did in my first year of approaching was I went out to a nearby city populated with girls (where it was 100% certain I was anonymous) and I approached 20 girls in one day in daygame.

This built my momentum massively and after about the 5th approach it was everything I could do not to approach a hot girl.

Give that a shot that could help.

On top of that put yourself in intense situations with a high level of social pressure to further acclimate yourself.

Once you get used to social pressure and up your degree of tolerance approaching is much easier and not draining at all.

How long did it take you guys to get women in your bed consistently ? And how can I keep the hunger for success alive despite all the rejections and slow results?

I'm coming up on three years of actively learning seduction and I'm just now getting to the point of consistently bedding women whenever I want. However my learning curve is much longer than most guys on here that stick with it at least.

It took me a year and six months before I got my first date from a phone number and it took me 11 months to get my first lay.

As far as motivation for sticking with it you have to have a long term mindset. Know what you want and know you can learn a badass skillset such as pickup if you just keep at it and learn the intricacies.

For me I didn't really have much of a choice but to learn it. It was either learn success with women or go home and cry about how I suck with girls and forever be doomed to not be in control of that aspect of my life.

Another thing you want to consider is not burning yourself out. If it's legitimately hard as fuck to do 30 approaches a week then perhaps slowly increase your activity levels until it's not an emotional strain to do 30 approaches. Or do what I outlined earlier and go approach a massive amount of women in a day or two and perhaps that'll speed up your acclimation to social pressure.

Ask questions if you have any.

-Rob

 

[kristian]

Thanks Rob. I really appreciate your insights when it comes to approaching women. Reading your story is very inspiring, and I have even more questions now:

May I ask you what made you start this journey? And why did it take you 18 months to get a date?

I can only imagine how it felt when you were starting with this and not seeing any visible results. How did you not lose it or give up?
And now that you are dating and laying women consistently how does it feel after all that hard work?

 

[Mr.Rob]

May I ask you what made you start this journey?

My story isn't much different than most guys on here that are more senior members on here.

Basically I couldn't get laid on my own to save my life. Terrible at talking with women in a way that inspired attraction. Had zero choice in the women I wanted and I knew deep down I had a much grander vision for my love/sex life than I was currently experiencing.

I really like the idea of being in full control of the quality of your sex and relationship life. Not a big fan of getting whatever shitty crumbs fall from the table for the rats to eat.

And why did it take you 18 months to get a date?

That's a good question and not one I really have an answer for. I got laid 4 or 5 times before I ever received my first date.

I guess my fundamentals and my vibe simply were too vanilla and forgettable to stick out in a girls mind. If I could do it again I'd start being much more aggressive and polarizing faster.

I can only imagine how it felt when you were starting with this and not seeing any visible results. How did you not lose it or give up?

Well that's a matter of perspective as far as seeing any "visible results". I was approaching girls, getting numbers here and there, and having instant dates every once in a while. Plus I'd have great interactions where I'd make a girls day and even though nothing came of fruition from it all I knew that it was possible for me to do this shit.

When you're out grinding you get a lot of no results but here and there you get what I call a "cookie" where you have a good interaction, a number, an instant date, or in your case an actual date. So despite getting massive amount of rejections and flakes every once in a while you get a small success that keeps your hope alive that YES you can do this.

Over time you more and more cookies and they get larger and larger.

And now that you are dating and laying women consistently how does it feel after all that hard work?

Amazingly satisfying and empowering. Because I went the whole 20 years of my life without women in my life I appreciate and enjoy the company of a woman highly. It's starting to fade now that I'm more used to having women in my life but just the shear amount of work I've put in to get to the point of having women in my life I value it much much more than the average natural player.

I really believe any sort of journey like this whether it be seduction/pimping, a top notch athlete, elite musician, or building a business is not so much about reaching the goal as it is building the character needed to achieve what you are pursuing. Reaching the goal is the reward or "gravy on top".

The person you have to transcend and become to deserve and achieve a level of success in anything is the real reward and in my opinion where much of real happiness comes from.

Yeah it's fucking hard but do you want to be soft? Comfort is overrated and mediocre people are addicted to it. It's a constant battle between taking the path of least resistance or doing what is right and necessary to achieve what you truly desire. To be able to do what is right and necessary builds a level of self respect, self reliance, and self esteem that average people simply cannot relate to.

I still fuck up on a daily basis but I resolve to keep pushing despite because I know what I don't want. I don't want mediocrity, scarcity, and lack of control over the outcomes in my life. As long as I keep pushing just 1/10th % harder each day then I know it's inevitable that I will achieve the character I admire in the hero's I read about.

It's not for everyone. Some people are content and fine existing in their average lives. Most people don't have the will or hunger to become something better than they currently are. That's fine no judgement towards average people. Not everyone is going to be a ridiculously intense fucker obsessed with achieve results. But if you are average you certainly aren't allowed to gripe about the life you wish you had if you choose that path because... you chose it.

Also you don't have to be intensely dedicated to learning seduction to achieve results. You can approach 15-20 girls a week and get success and a lot of guys do that, find a girl they like and get into a relationship. That's cool too.

It's all about what you value, what your vision is, and how willing you are to put the work in.

You seem ambitious enough. Get over your approach anxiety (or get to where it's manageable), build momentum, and resolve not to keep making the same mistakes over and over and you should be good.

Questions or comments?

 

[ray_zorse]

Yeah dude. +1 to everything Mr. Rob said. You and I are on about the same trajectory it appears. When I had been cold approaching for about 3 months I could get occasional dates from cold approach, although I was pretty inexperienced at running the actual dates and would make a lot of rookie mistakes. I got my first cold approach lay after about 5 months. (That was about 1yr ago today). In 2014 I laid 2 new girls IIRC (and had various other encounters in which I either failed to get it up or was defeated by LMR), in 2015 I laid 8 new girls (and had lots of awesome kisses / fingerbangs / LR- in addition). So you can see that results are improving a lot with practice. If my experience holds true for you, then you have to push hard for another few months, go on plenty of dates and you'll be golden.

The best advice I could give you is to read this article and put it into practice. After I started doing this I started getting many more dates than I could actually handle (my phone would fill up with numbers basically and I couldn't meet them all).

Ray

 

[Skid]

Tbh dude 3 months isn't really that long - your progress is good like rob said 30 approaches for one date is solid. As far as keeping in it goes I found just doing regular checkups on the community reading theory that you can apply to your interactions and just overall being invested heavily in pickup so that it becomes a positive habit and you can't just drop it because you'll have a voice in your head that reminds you have haven't been keeping up with your habits. Just focus on the present where you need to improve and time will fly.

But to me by far the biggest 'motivator' was wanting the results. As Rob said a lot of the guys that get into pickup literally come from rock bottom: they have no social skills , their marriage has failed or they've never had any experience with women at all - they are always the dude that's in the corner girls never notice let alone talk too or show interest in. And that builds up in a way that no man that occasionally gets a girlfriend or girls being flirty with him can ever hope to comprehend and that forces a choice between massive change and action or depression forever/maybe even suicide.

You just really want to be that guy girls give that look that you see them give other guys and you'll do anything for it - had so many people that can't believe you can hit on 20 girls in a row get rejected (haven't done that in ages it's really draining tho) and then get up the next day and do more approaches . I believe someone recently wrote a post similar to that :
recently on 20 rejections. Also chase wrote an article on keeping motivated saying that just need to want it really really really bad or have a crazy sex drive. If you don't have that you're going to struggle.

Good luck

Skid

 

[Lawliet]

Not bad kristan!
100 approaches and some fwb to mix it in! (I did 300 approaches and had no fwb...)

Your hunger for success really comes down to
1. Did you experience success?
2. Are you satisfied

If you felt success, and is satisfied, this is where guys go for that one girl they really liked after searching among the legions!
Which is... congratulations! (whatever flows their boat)

If you felt success, and isn't satisified, like Chase, Ricardus, who go on despite of finding really good ones, and get 200 lays,
Then that becomes a drive to keep going.

Neither of these are right or wrong. Really. It's all about preference and what you're comfortable doing (once you experienced a ton of successes).

So my question to you is...are you satisfied?
You'll know what to do.

Yours,
Lawliet

 

[Smith]

Kristian,

Good advice from others!

it feels like I have to force myself into taking action. So how do I get myself motivated to increase my approach rate, see it as practice and continue this road?

I really need some advice cos after three months of learning and applying game to strangers, and still not getting laid from it - I feel like the results I want (to bed women with this approach) are too far ahead. I know that I only been applying this for three months and only been serious for one month. But I still feel like I don't have what it takes to reach my goals. How long did it take you guys to get women in your bed consistently ? And how can I keep the hunger for success alive despite all the rejections and slow results?

You can do this! It took me around 5 months as well and it came rather unexpectedly when I thought I didn't have what it takes.

First of all, drop the approach rate. Stop counting how many approaches you did. It's hurting you more than you can imagine. You need to enjoy socializing without turning it into some kind of sales target you have to meet. Completely cut out this thought process too "I need to talk to 30 girls just to get a date"....It sounds like you're using each interaction as a means to an end. That's not the right intention to have when you're talking to girls. People, especially girls, can sense it when you're talking to them with an agenda. This is no different to how a homeless guy thinks, e.g. "I need to talk to 30 people to get 10 dollars", so he goes around asking for money, but people can sense that he's there to take something before he even opens his mouth. (Take some time to observe people begging for money if you get the chance to, you'll notice the vibe they're giving out just repels people away) A better mindset to have is, "I have 10 dollars and I'm going to give it out unconditionally to whoever wants to take it." Now tell me, is there rejection when you're coming from this place? of course not. That "10 dollars" is your true self (let's not get into how much you're actually worth, just stick with the analogy here). It's the real you that you're completely at ease with.

Secondly, change your goal into something that's within your control and that brings women into your life as a by product. For example, a mistake I used to make a lot during the first six months of learning this is that I focused too much about getting laid. Your goal now is to ENJOY yourself when you talk to women. That's it! It's totally within your control, and this will help you more in the long run and talking to girls won't feel like a chore anymore. This should always be the baseline of your interactions. Yes, you do have to fight the initial inertia to put yourself out there. I think it never goes away completely really. All kinds of excuse pop up, but when you think about it (or rather stop thinking about it), there really is no reason why you can't do it.

Hope this helps!

 

[kristian]

Thank you very much Mr Rob and Ray_zorze, reading your stories is very inspiring and reminds me that I am on the right track. My fundamentals are getting a lot better, I can judge a womans IOIs a lot better than before, and my friendships has become stronger thanks to deep dive and the rapport-building tips from GC. The only thing is that I am a very inpatient person. How did you cope with being impatient and wanting the results to happen now?

And Skid, my sex drive is very high. I have two sex partners in my life right now, but I don't feel its enough - I almost think I need five girls on rotation or something just to satisfy my desire. The two girls I am meeting are from social circles so it isn't quite the same as day game (witch for me is the hardest way to meet women). As far as rejection, I dont feel like its bothering me so much. The thing is the amount of approaches I need to do to find a girl I can go out with. And even if she agrees to meet me, I still need to learn the intricacies of dates to be able to bed her. Thats why I quit meeting girls from internet and through social circle a month ago, I want to learn these skills the hard way, but sometimes its very hard.

Lawliet: I dont think I ever will be satisfied, not where I am at the moment. I am 29 years old, I had a monogamous relationship for 8 years and broke up with the girl when I was 27. Until then, she was the only girl I ever had in my life. Now I still feel like I have to make up for missing out. I want to have many sexual partners, both short terms (ONS) and longer terms (FWBs, MLTRs), and I think that I will never be monogamous again. What are your thoughts about that? Will some of you ever be monogamous again? I dont think it will be possible looking at all the opportunities out there.

Smith: I can where you are coming from. I just don't always see the fun with it. I still feel that my first approach always is the hardest, and if I start thinking I need to be inspired to talk to this or that girl, or that it have to just happen naturally, I will never talk to anyone. I think that I need to approach a lot still, to get over anxiety and make it second nature. I've only been approaching regularly for two months and religiously the last month. I also read that it takes around 12 weeks of actively dragging myself to do a thing in order to make it second nature. I am however getting there. When I see a beautiful woman and don't approach I feel like a giant wuss so my brain is at least learning to see approach as a normal thing to not be nervous about.

How long did it take you guys to come to a place where cold approach became a natural part of your day?

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey dude I'm happy to see you tackling daygame as IMO it's one of the most satisfying things you could ever do. I mean thinking about it, we were put on this planet to reproduce right, i.e. have lots and lots of sex. That's why sex is one of the most pleasurable things, more pleasurable even than eating. Think about that.

Don't worry, daygame gets easier, you just have to acclimatize yourself to it until striking up conversations with strangers feels natural. And yes, Smith has a point that the best interactions are the ones that just begin out of mutual curiosity and then you end up connecting really well. But, you have to push hard to get going.

Without wanting to turn this into another daygame vs. nightgame vs. social circle vs. online game thread, I really love daygame because it feels very natural, like you don't need any artificial aids or props to get yourself laid. It's just you being yourself, and putting yourself out there, and brightening women's dreary days.

When I got seriously into this shit I thought I would never be monogamous ever again, and honestly I had some pretty bad experiences, like my wife who turned out to be cluster B... and was very needy and dependent in relationships so it felt good to be able to say goodbye to relationships and hello to lots and lots of sex.

But I eventually came to feel like there's no point getting great at game if you never reap what you sow. Personally I love going on fun dates with women and I feel like FWB is just a bit too sterile. On the one hand, maybe it does come from scarcity a bit, so I will try to be more strict next time, but on the other hand I feel like I know myself, and that FWB is not really my style.

In addition there are some really AMAZING women out there, and if you are determined to stick with FWB you might miss your opportunities to be with them, even if only for some months or whatever. Given all the shitty relationships I've had (partly due to poor choice of partner and partly due to my codependent behaviour) I've been absolutely amazed to experience the other side, and be in a relationship with a girl I really like and respect and who is as as sexy as hell and totally into me.

Still, Chase's recent post (why do guys settle into LTRs when they're JUST ABOUT to break through in seduction) lit up a lot of lightbulbs for me... and given my girl is currently upset with me for receiving a text from another girl while I was in the shower (my phone isn't locked)... I might be back in seduction sooner than I was thinking. Hmm.

Ray

 

[Smith]

Smith: I can where you are coming from. I just don't always see the fun with it. I still feel that my first approach always is the hardest, and if I start thinking I need to be inspired to talk to this or that girl, or that it have to just happen naturally, I will never talk to anyone. I think that I need to approach a lot still, to get over anxiety and make it second nature. I've only been approaching regularly for two months and religiously the last month. I also read that it takes around 12 weeks of actively dragging myself to do a thing in order to make it second nature. I am however getting there. When I see a beautiful woman and don't approach I feel like a giant wuss so

I'm not saying you need to be inspired to talk to a girl. In fact, you should be congruent if anything. If you really want to get over this AA, talk to everyone! Guys and girls. Check out Sasha's latest video on how to get in state. He talks to everyone. Grandma, random guys, a cute couple...etc. and he's having fun while doing it. When you can reach that point, the idea of counting how many approaches you do to get lay is just irrelevant. This is how you make cold approach becomes a natural part of your day. You talk to everyone all the time, because everyone has value in them. You don't discriminate and only talk to hot girls.

Another thing is stop being so obsessed about AA. If you can approach, that's great. If you want to have better connections with women so they want to go on dates with you, then your problem is not AA. It's your interaction. It's about how at ease you are with yourself.

Having fun and see the funny side of things are something you train yourself to do. If you don't see the fun side talking to girls purely for the joy and connection, then this is going to be a tough journey for you. Again, I have to stress this. Train yourself to have fun doing this. There's an article on GC that talks about having fun while doing seduction or your journey's a waste of time. IMO, it's probably one of those articles everyone should read when they're starting out.

 

[Lawliet]

Don't worry, daygame gets easier, you just have to acclimatize yourself to it until striking up conversations with strangers feels natural. And yes, Smith has a point that the best interactions are the ones that just begin out of mutual curiosity and then you end up connecting really well. But, you have to push hard to get going.
Ray

Not sure if it's just me, but night game seems harder for me lol

@kristan
Monogamous, everyone will reach a point of settling down, it's just when that varies for everyone.
Some might keep going until 50, some might stop in 30s after finding a fantastic one (which is great!)

Good work on trying out daygame.
There is a part written by colt on this about trying something new and out of your usual:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-h ... -and-antsy

It happens when you're new to do anything. It starts out bad and that's usual. Ego gets hit; and you feel discouraged.
Have no fear bro! Fuel your hunger with success (recharging your ego!)
If you feel you need some successes to fuel your stuff, you can have some night game (what you're good at, I'm amazed since I suck at night).
Don't mechanically force it; give yourself some success with your usual venues to fuel yourself in trying something new.
Then night acts like a stepping stone to help you get better at day.
Otherwise, nothing's there to recharge. Once you do better at day game, you can decide which to keep or do both!

It's all suppose to be enjoyable and that's your deciding key.
Good advice from others to force yourself, and keep moving forward. But everyone's different, and have their own preferences.
As long as you've been there, done it, then the focus becomes do I want to keep this?

Chase says the same thing in 100 hours. Put yourself out there, done it, then stop and ask yourself, "Do I want to continue this?"
If you've been there, done it, and decide to stop, that's fine. There is no right or wrong.
Like everything, approach should also aim for your enjoyment, or alternatively doing whatever to fill that enjoyment.
From the sound of it, you have it in you. Unsatisfied? Keep going!

Lawliet