People
Her: mid 30s asian girl, very stylishly dressed for the summer and relatively fit
Me: early 30s asian, dressed in a sophisticated fitted summer outfit
Background
This was a pretty long day of Cold Approaching. I had approached some 12 girls earlier in the day, with decent conversations, but they were all just polite and none of them hooked.
Right before this, I finally got a hook with a hot Korean girl who was really smiley, touchy, feely with me right off the bat. She was late to dinner, so I just exchanged numbers with her. This seeded some good momentum in me after a long day.
I sat down on a bench, writing some notes about the Korean girl, when I saw this girl walking by, and decided to approach her.
The Approach
I walked to the side of her, said "hi", and complimented her on her summer dress, followed by "do you work in fashion?" which is my typical followup after a compliment. Either she does work in fashion, and becomes slightly more invested, or she doesn't, but takes it as a compliment, and then I can ask her what she does work in.
We chit chatted as we walked, and at some point she says "wait.... you seem like a friend of a friend..." And it turns out she's a family friend of one of my high school friends, and we had met before at a house party a few years ago. But neither of us recognized each other. She said "You look really different, I don't recognize you at all", which was code for "wow, you look amazing, way more mature, sophisticated, and fashionable than the last time I saw you".
I acted a bit weirded out, as if she was "stalking me" (establishing a chase frame), and I took several steps back from her, with a slight smile on my face. And we chit chatted a bit more, and then she asked "do you want to go for a drink?" I said "sure", and casually took her to a cool hotel bar nearby.
Some additional context: she's like 4-5 years older than my high school friend, and so 4-5 years older than me. I instinctively and immediately knew I was dealing with a few issues:
a) she sees my high school friend as "a little brother", and therefore I was associated with that image as well. So during the entire interaction I tried to talk about him as little as possible, and if she brought him up, I tried to change topics quickly.
b) if anything did happen between us, she would be worried about reputational damage, that she "hooked up with her little brother's friend". I countered this in a few ways. First, while we were walking to the bar, she asked me if she should text my high school friend about this. I immediately said "no, no, don't tell him, let's just keep it a secret between us". She said fine. This was a critical junction. If I had said "sure, text him", that would have sealed us off as platonic immediately and forever. Also later in the night we were talking about us sharing interesting things between us, because we're both strangers to each other, so we're allowed to be more vulnerable. I played this up a bit, to try to display that I want to stay strangers, and would keep discretion. I also hinted that I'm not that close to, and that I don't see that high school friend as much anymore.
First Date
Above average date. We actually befriended a cool gay couple sitting near us, and had a really interesting 3 hour long date, where we were chatting with the gay couple and the bar tender and talked about a lot of interesting things like crypto. We talked a lot about travel, and how I wanted to leave this city at some point, and I was suggesting she leave and go to exotic places too (anti boyfriend material).
She thanked me multiple times during the date for "turning around her night", because apparently she just had dinner with parents where they shared bad news with her, and she was crying. She said this was one of her most fun and interesting nights of 2022.
Bounce
At the end, she said "shall we go"? I said sure, and asked for the check. I paid for it, trying to play it off as "this is on me since you had a sad night". Then we began walking her back to her place, which happens to be near mine.
Pull
Pretty quickly after we started walking (because it's only a 5 minute walk back to my place from the bar), I asked her if she wants to sample some fine Japanese Whiskey at my place, saying my collection has grown. She said "sure, I'll have just 1 drink". And I casually led her back to my apartment.
Escalation
Once at my apartment, I poured her some whiskey, put on some music, showed her the view, and got her comfortable on the couch. We continued chatting for a bit. At a lull in the conversation, I reached over with my hand, pulled her chin towards me, and kissed her. I escalated on her, and got as far as sucking her nipples, but no further. No amount of "being chill about it", "2 steps forward, 1 step back", "pattern interrupt by kissing, then talking as if nothing happened", "telling some vulnerable stories and trying to connect more", would work. Eventually she left in an Uber, but was pretty warm with me, and gave me a passionate kiss goodbye.
While trying to escalate, one of the vulnerabilities we shared was actually about our exes. Usually I don't talk about this, but she brought it up first, and I thought this would actually be useful in the seduction. Basically, I connected to her about how we both had commitment issues (anti boyfriend material) which caused our past relationships to fail.
I have her number, and we did talk about eating some Dim Sum, and seeing each other again, but we'll see what actually happens.
Keys to the "Lay"
- dealing with the "I can't hook up with my little brother's friend" vibe, and indicating I would be discreet, were ultra important. I would not have pulled her to my place, or kissed her with no resistance without this.
- at some point in the date, she said "usually when guys approach me on the street, it's really awkward and creepy, but something about the way you did it, made me think this guy's fine. To be honest, I got a bit of a gay vibe when you were complimenting me about my fashion". So this was a bit of a backhanded compliment. It's indicative that my approach has gotten significantly better from where it started, when I used to be extremely uncalibrated, whereas now I'm pretty smooth. But on the other hand, I probably want to tone down the "gay vibe", and tone up the sexual masculine straight energy. I guess it's kind of hard when my bread and butter approach is a compliment about her fashion. I want to experiment with "are you single", or other more sexualized direct openers.
- kind of funny, because when I met her a few years ago, I thought she was hot, but also "out of my league", because she's an experienced girl in this city, and I was brand new to the city and a few years younger than her. I didn't try to get her number or anything at that time, because I knew I'd just be a friend zone orbiter. And fast forward 2 years later when I've improved a lot of things about myself, and my seduction in particular, now I'm kind of higher value than her. She said something like "yeah, you're still so young, guys don't need to worry. Literally, the older you are, the hotter you become". That said, in the middle of the physical escalation, I shared a fairly traumatic vulnerability with her, which I could tell made her feel more connected with me since I told her this secret, and she felt like I was more "real", and not just some perfect guy who wants to use her for sex (raising my attainability).
I think I did pretty okay in my attempts to seal this deal, here are my theories for why it didn't go all the way:
- She was just really not having it this night (probably still emotional from crying with her parents just beforehand), and I persisted multiple times in a not needy way to escalate on her, and get her to stay and not take an Uber home.
- Maybe paying for the bar bill making me more provider/needy? This is still a sticking point for me, as I find it kind of awkward to split.
- Maybe I need to use more anti-slut-defense tech??? Right now I just try my best to display a casual non-judgmental frame and perspective, but I haven't really been able to effectively do this in a direct "I don't believe girls are sluts" way yet, but I'll perhaps try harder to work it in. The last time I tried, the girl became sort of adamant that "I sleep with whoever I want, and I don't feel any need to conform to society's views about a girl being a slut if she sleeps with a guy early". This didn't do anything for the date, and she still wouldn't go back to my place afterwards.
Curious if you guys have any other thoughts.
Her: mid 30s asian girl, very stylishly dressed for the summer and relatively fit
Me: early 30s asian, dressed in a sophisticated fitted summer outfit
Background
This was a pretty long day of Cold Approaching. I had approached some 12 girls earlier in the day, with decent conversations, but they were all just polite and none of them hooked.
Right before this, I finally got a hook with a hot Korean girl who was really smiley, touchy, feely with me right off the bat. She was late to dinner, so I just exchanged numbers with her. This seeded some good momentum in me after a long day.
I sat down on a bench, writing some notes about the Korean girl, when I saw this girl walking by, and decided to approach her.
The Approach
I walked to the side of her, said "hi", and complimented her on her summer dress, followed by "do you work in fashion?" which is my typical followup after a compliment. Either she does work in fashion, and becomes slightly more invested, or she doesn't, but takes it as a compliment, and then I can ask her what she does work in.
We chit chatted as we walked, and at some point she says "wait.... you seem like a friend of a friend..." And it turns out she's a family friend of one of my high school friends, and we had met before at a house party a few years ago. But neither of us recognized each other. She said "You look really different, I don't recognize you at all", which was code for "wow, you look amazing, way more mature, sophisticated, and fashionable than the last time I saw you".
I acted a bit weirded out, as if she was "stalking me" (establishing a chase frame), and I took several steps back from her, with a slight smile on my face. And we chit chatted a bit more, and then she asked "do you want to go for a drink?" I said "sure", and casually took her to a cool hotel bar nearby.
Some additional context: she's like 4-5 years older than my high school friend, and so 4-5 years older than me. I instinctively and immediately knew I was dealing with a few issues:
a) she sees my high school friend as "a little brother", and therefore I was associated with that image as well. So during the entire interaction I tried to talk about him as little as possible, and if she brought him up, I tried to change topics quickly.
b) if anything did happen between us, she would be worried about reputational damage, that she "hooked up with her little brother's friend". I countered this in a few ways. First, while we were walking to the bar, she asked me if she should text my high school friend about this. I immediately said "no, no, don't tell him, let's just keep it a secret between us". She said fine. This was a critical junction. If I had said "sure, text him", that would have sealed us off as platonic immediately and forever. Also later in the night we were talking about us sharing interesting things between us, because we're both strangers to each other, so we're allowed to be more vulnerable. I played this up a bit, to try to display that I want to stay strangers, and would keep discretion. I also hinted that I'm not that close to, and that I don't see that high school friend as much anymore.
First Date
Above average date. We actually befriended a cool gay couple sitting near us, and had a really interesting 3 hour long date, where we were chatting with the gay couple and the bar tender and talked about a lot of interesting things like crypto. We talked a lot about travel, and how I wanted to leave this city at some point, and I was suggesting she leave and go to exotic places too (anti boyfriend material).
She thanked me multiple times during the date for "turning around her night", because apparently she just had dinner with parents where they shared bad news with her, and she was crying. She said this was one of her most fun and interesting nights of 2022.
Bounce
At the end, she said "shall we go"? I said sure, and asked for the check. I paid for it, trying to play it off as "this is on me since you had a sad night". Then we began walking her back to her place, which happens to be near mine.
Pull
Pretty quickly after we started walking (because it's only a 5 minute walk back to my place from the bar), I asked her if she wants to sample some fine Japanese Whiskey at my place, saying my collection has grown. She said "sure, I'll have just 1 drink". And I casually led her back to my apartment.
Escalation
Once at my apartment, I poured her some whiskey, put on some music, showed her the view, and got her comfortable on the couch. We continued chatting for a bit. At a lull in the conversation, I reached over with my hand, pulled her chin towards me, and kissed her. I escalated on her, and got as far as sucking her nipples, but no further. No amount of "being chill about it", "2 steps forward, 1 step back", "pattern interrupt by kissing, then talking as if nothing happened", "telling some vulnerable stories and trying to connect more", would work. Eventually she left in an Uber, but was pretty warm with me, and gave me a passionate kiss goodbye.
While trying to escalate, one of the vulnerabilities we shared was actually about our exes. Usually I don't talk about this, but she brought it up first, and I thought this would actually be useful in the seduction. Basically, I connected to her about how we both had commitment issues (anti boyfriend material) which caused our past relationships to fail.
I have her number, and we did talk about eating some Dim Sum, and seeing each other again, but we'll see what actually happens.
Keys to the "Lay"
- dealing with the "I can't hook up with my little brother's friend" vibe, and indicating I would be discreet, were ultra important. I would not have pulled her to my place, or kissed her with no resistance without this.
- at some point in the date, she said "usually when guys approach me on the street, it's really awkward and creepy, but something about the way you did it, made me think this guy's fine. To be honest, I got a bit of a gay vibe when you were complimenting me about my fashion". So this was a bit of a backhanded compliment. It's indicative that my approach has gotten significantly better from where it started, when I used to be extremely uncalibrated, whereas now I'm pretty smooth. But on the other hand, I probably want to tone down the "gay vibe", and tone up the sexual masculine straight energy. I guess it's kind of hard when my bread and butter approach is a compliment about her fashion. I want to experiment with "are you single", or other more sexualized direct openers.
- kind of funny, because when I met her a few years ago, I thought she was hot, but also "out of my league", because she's an experienced girl in this city, and I was brand new to the city and a few years younger than her. I didn't try to get her number or anything at that time, because I knew I'd just be a friend zone orbiter. And fast forward 2 years later when I've improved a lot of things about myself, and my seduction in particular, now I'm kind of higher value than her. She said something like "yeah, you're still so young, guys don't need to worry. Literally, the older you are, the hotter you become". That said, in the middle of the physical escalation, I shared a fairly traumatic vulnerability with her, which I could tell made her feel more connected with me since I told her this secret, and she felt like I was more "real", and not just some perfect guy who wants to use her for sex (raising my attainability).
I think I did pretty okay in my attempts to seal this deal, here are my theories for why it didn't go all the way:
- She was just really not having it this night (probably still emotional from crying with her parents just beforehand), and I persisted multiple times in a not needy way to escalate on her, and get her to stay and not take an Uber home.
- Maybe paying for the bar bill making me more provider/needy? This is still a sticking point for me, as I find it kind of awkward to split.
- Maybe I need to use more anti-slut-defense tech??? Right now I just try my best to display a casual non-judgmental frame and perspective, but I haven't really been able to effectively do this in a direct "I don't believe girls are sluts" way yet, but I'll perhaps try harder to work it in. The last time I tried, the girl became sort of adamant that "I sleep with whoever I want, and I don't feel any need to conform to society's views about a girl being a slut if she sleeps with a guy early". This didn't do anything for the date, and she still wouldn't go back to my place afterwards.
Curious if you guys have any other thoughts.
.