Coming out of the friend zone question

[Ithilien770]

Hey everyone,

I just have a quick question for you all ~ if I get friend zoned by girl, so I act to change my behaviour (which may have been unattractive to her), cease all contact with her, put her out of mind and focus 100 percent on my life and on other ladies (which seems to me to be the best tactic in this instance), and after a while she starts to show me a bit of attention, how would you guys interpret that, and therefore act? Related: if I am genuinely starting to come out of the friend zone, how do I proceed to close with this girl?

I am asking because I am curious - a lot of sites will say how to get out of the friend zone, but not how to proceed when you are starting to attract the girl once more.

Cheers for any replies!

 

[Richard]

The stance I take is as follows;

She decided to put me there so she'll have to put in the work to get me out. If I put in some time with a girl and she decided to friend-zone me and then I moved on to pursue other women then she lost her chance and if she wants another one then she's going to put in the majority of the effort to seduce me.

So, if she's showing interest, respond neutrally like it's no big deal and get her to make larger and larger investments in order to pull you. It's not very attractive when a girl friend-zones a guy and then reaches out and the guy responds as if nothing happened because she assumes she's still got you hooked... and that's not the position you want to be in.

Bottom line is... let her put in the brunt of the work, if she's willing to do that then reward her with awesome sex.

-Richard

 

[Ithilien770]

So in essence, so far as her interacting with myself, don't completely cut her off - rather keep the interactions small and light. Just enough to let her know she's not completely cut-off from your life?

For example, a text - would you reply but do so late - keep it short but sort of interesting/mysterious?

Thanks!

 

[Richard]

So in essence, so far as her interacting with myself, don't completely cut her off - rather keep the interactions small and light. Just enough to let her know she's not completely cut-off from your life?

For example, a text - would you reply but do so late - keep it short but sort of interesting/mysterious?

Thanks!

Bingo. Keep it small and light and when she reaches out or texts you respond on your own time. You've got it figured correctly though - make sure she knows she's not completely cut off.

-Richard

 

[Ithilien770]

Sorry to resurrect this one guys!

Richard ~ if you are reading this your advice has been invaluable but I have another question about coming out of the friend-zone:

If she does reach out and you give her another shot and she's still quite vague or 50/50 about moving forward, would it be wise to politely give her an ultimatum - sort of along the lines of you can contact me but only if you genuinely feel like giving it a go?

In this particular instance, the girl in question out of the blue messaged me after a period of silence for a couple of weeks. Prior to that I made it pretty clear that I like her but don't desire her friendship only and pretty much disappeared out of her life, being sure to actively pursue my dreams and otherwise live my life 100 percent fully (training for your commercial pilot license helps with this!). Curiously, I did start getting a lot of attention from her on Instrgram after that, but I gave her no attention on social media in return and of course never contacted her directly. Anyway once she contacted me we messaged for a time, it was fun, but then I made another attempt to move things forward with a pretty non-committed answer from her.

Now I am thinking that, rather than her having changed her mind (which was my first thought - I'm pretty new to this so I am learning, please be patient), she contacted me to see if I would still treat her as a friend (so therefore from her perspective its ok, we are still friends and she can have me any time she wants with the click of her fingers), which is exactly what I don't want her to think!

So in this instance, is stating what I want clearly and destroying the idea in her head that we can simply be just friends the best way forward? Should I qualify that with she can contact me, but only if she is genuinely interested in seeing me?

Regards and thanks for any advice/helping me to learn!

 

[Richard]

Ithilien,

It sounds like you've adopted the correct mentality in that you're actually focused on yourself and your life and she's a secondary interest; that's the exact position you want her to be in because it means that you're independent of how things turn out with her... if she ends up fucking you then it's cool, if she doesn't then you probably won't bat an eyelash.

So, with that in mind, you can definitely hard push girls who are on the fence but you need to very tactful in how you approach that because a hard push can communicate any number of things in very subtle ways.

1) It seems like you're looking for a friend and that's cool but I just don't have the time for that right now.
2) I'm not interested in being friends, if you decide you want something else then you're free to hit me up.

Small nuances can change the overall message in sooo many ways and the approach you want to take would be close to #1 where you show her that you're busy, you're focused on other things and just don't have time for something that isn't going anywhere but if she's willing to step up then you might give her that chance. That's the approach you want to be taking here and she'll either qualify herself (and step up), or she'll reject it (in which case, you have your answer about her), or she'll maintain her frame of being friends (in which case, you become a lot more scarce).

Remember that she has to be giving you a reason to come out of the friend zone because you're a busy man who has other women to talk to and you're not going to drop what you're doing because she wants to be friends.

-Richard

 

[Ithilien770]

Hey Richard,

Thanks for you thoughts - what you say rings true with me so thanks a lot for taking the time to comment.

Its a bit hard with my situation - I work in the mining industry and fly to work for 2 weeks out of every 3 and there are no girls here (I liken it to being in prison!) and on my week off I attend flight school for my commercial pilot licence. As a consequence I don't really have a lot of time for girls and am way out of practice. That said, I am leaving mining come April next year as I have saved for the remainder of my training so will be in the city full time which means a lot more opportunity to get my game and fundamentals up to the level I want it to be at and girls will seem less scarce. Also going to leave the flying till then and travel around SE Asia on my weeks off instead so I'll have a lot of opportunity to practice. However, unfortunately, I think this sort of life is conducive to fixating on one girl (due to perceived lack of abundance) which is obviously something to be avoided, but on the other hand I need to learn from whoever I can for the future, and at the moment shes the only one sadly. Otherwise I'd obviously drop her and fly to clearer skies

Anyway, I had another thought I want to run by you (or any one else)

Before I do so, I guess I should be a bit more clearer about what her response was when I asked her if she wanted to meet up again.

First thing she said was "I am fine to meet up just as friends. Just I am concerned my actions might lead you to misunderstand. I hope we don't lose the friendship."

I never responded so then she said she was sorry she didn't really give it a shot last time, and that we could meet up next time, finishing with:

"If this time we meet we should spend some time to know each other more"

Now, to me this sounds like a polite way of saying no, and puts me exactly where she wants me to be (she feels ok as she knows I'll talk to her etc.), which is exactly where I don't want to be. To be honest, your number 1 seems the right thing to say. But I was wondering this:

If I say something similar to that to her, and essentially force her to decide that's cool and I have no worries doing that, but I also had the thought that, given she friend-zoned in the first place, and given that being in that situation is likely a consequence of poor/average fundamentals (hence I wasn't attractive enough to her in the first place) and general lack of experience with game (poor game turned her off perhaps), could it be a good move to leave it open (i.e. no hard push for now so not risking final rejection and arguably that needed to be said at the time anyway), have heaps of space, focus on my life (as I am doing), work on bringing my fundamentals and game up to a higher level, and then when I do see her, make a new approach as a newer, different, and more attractive guy?

In addition, could what she said about getting to know each other more be interpreted as her 'stepping up' like you said?

Cheers - Ithilien

 

[Fuck This]

I'm guessing you don't care if she stays a platonic friend or not if you don't seduce her....If that is the case I'd go high risk-high reward with a direct statement of sexual intent. Probably best done in person where you can apply kino if she responds positively. Basically youtr frame is : "I'm a man and I know what I want, and I will go find it somewhere else."


"Listen I find you sexy, and attractive and smart. There is an undeniable physical attraction toward you and I couldn't in good conscience, hide that and hope you would return the affection. . If you don't share that attraction I completely understand, but I'm not going to just have a platonic relationship when I'm wanting more. " And be totally willing to walk away.

Basically it's the "exclusive relationship or nothing" argument women use, twisted and reworded to suit our purpose.

Now if this is someone in your Social circle and intertwined in your network, you have to be diplomatic and not blow her out with an ultimatum.

 

[Ithilien770]

Thanks for the response TwoRocky!

Yes, that's precisely how I feel and after some clear reflection, pretty much what I've done - though not in those exact words but close enough.

For some reason, it was a little hard to do though - way harder than letting a girl down for instance - which is kinda curious. I guess for a lot of guys who are new to this/trying to change to become more proficient with women it goes against how we are bought up to believe we should act in our relations with females (be the White Knight/good guy like Ross in Friends and you'll get her eventually) But the thought of accepting that from her made me feel like I have absolutely no balls so I guess it had to be done. Certainly made me feel clear and decisive too.

Now I'll see what she does, but either way I'm free to proceed. I am also finding this extremely interesting - its a bit like learning to land a plane: its difficult at first and you have to practice, reflect, change your actions, practice, reflect, change your actions - till one day you land the aircraft smoothly and precisely.

Regards - Ithilien770

 

[shaneawi]

Remember you want to be loved or hated not liked. If it were me I would walk away completely. Your value as a hardworking man with career aspirations is higher than hers and you should have no problem finding another girl who shows the same level of attraction towards you.

Keep approaching and in a few days, weeks, 6 months or a year from now you will find a girl who is hotter and better than her and you won't even care about this girl. There are way too many girls out there who want to sleep with you for you to worry about this girl.

If she reengages with you let her know that she needs to play ball(sex) before she gets anything else from you. She has no power over you or your life. All she has is a moist warm hole and can give you a little entertainment. Her loss for friendzoning you

 

[Ithilien770]

Heya Shaneawi,

Yeah I've pretty much moved on, working hard at life and with respect to girls, acting to improve my fundamentals ~ I'm probably slightly hated for not accepting friendship, which is likely something she's not used to, given the natural tendencies most guys have to stick out the friendship in the hope she'll change her mind or come round.

I have another girl in my sights too, so I'm doing what I want to be doing

Certainly if there is an re-engagement on her part, I'll be leading it firmly toward the bedroom. But I doubt there will be unless she genuinely desires to go down that road ~ she knows what I want and knows that I won't put up with her being on the fence even if that endangers any sort of platonic friendship. Precisely where I want to be.

Regards - Ithilien770

 

[shaneawi]

That's great. I know it sucks to do that. Whenever we put investment into a girl or business deal and it doesn't go the way we want our first instinct is to try and fix it or renegotiate (which sometimes is good). You should definitely have persistence with women. Every great girl I've been with came from them flaking on me a couple times or not showing much interest at first. But I persisted until they either loved me or hated me (told me to f*ck off).

As a matter of fact I just got friendzoned the other week by a girl who I was really sexual with. It sucks but I'm adding so much value to the world and other people that I'm happy and successful without her. When people sense that you are willing to walk away from a girl or business deal etc it instantly gives you more power and control over them. If they come back on your terms great. If not, good riddance.

Focus on providing value to the world through your career/ job, volunteering, or just smiling at someone when you pass them in the street. Get rid of that scarcity mentality and see the world as an abundant place for you to give value to the world.

And for all the girls who friendzone you just say, f*uck ya.youre too busy loving life for their bs