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- Nov 14, 2017
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[Expanding on an issue from a FR I'm drafting. This post largely makes sense reading only the bold text.]
I'm always gushing over how much I love South Sudanese women. (I'm apparently not the only one.)
Well, I finally met one the other day. She's only the second I've even seen in at least 11 months of checking for girls! (Well, technically she's not South Sudanese, just Sudanese, - but she's Nilotic.)
South Sudanese (Nilotic) people tend to have really attractive flowing facial features, and are usually tall and slender. Perhaps their most striking feature is really dark, coffee black skin.
The first time I approached this Sudanese girl, it was therefore no small irony that I actually didn't compliment her at all, for dumb reasons that will be given in the FR.
The approach went well overall, except a glitch at the end robbed me of the close. But she works at a fast food place, so I can, and intend to, open her again.
When I do that, I'm probably going to want to give her a compliment, since I'm not yet at the point where my vibe puts the banana in her face without words. I normally prefer compliments on things that are genetically determined (both because I actually notice them a lot more than comparatively meaningless shit like clothing, and because this is by definition more sexual).
__________
Aside:
For black girls wearing their natural hair out, I tend to compliment that, and it often goes over well, because I sincerely love the change from relaxer and weave, and also can name the styles. This one's hair was practically shaved off, so no dice there. Failing that, I've usually gone with "you're cute," but it's a little blasé. (I also resist that one with girls in weave, because I absolutely don't want them thinking the weave is what did it.) I've tried "you have beautiful features" or similar once or twice but it feels a bit awkward.
Once I tried, "you have beautiful eyes," and got a very positive response. (Ironically, I was using this because she was a very light mixed girl and I didn't want to use a more generic compliment that could be construed to compliment her lightness, and she was also in weave, so it's the only thing I had left!!)
I'm not sure if explicitly sexual stuff would go over too well. On one hand, not hiding the banana is good, but on the other hand it would too easily come across as crude.
__________
To be perfectly honest, with a Nilotic girl, I'm really tempted to compliment her gorgeous, even, dark skin tone, which I sincerely love!
It's just, it's such an abnormal compliment, especially coming from a white person. When Nyakim Gatwech (pic, pic & pic) moved to the USA as a teen, here's her own account of just how much people loved her skin tone:
Complimenting a locally unusual feature of people of another race, much less one that has been regarded with such derision, seems a bit tricky. I don't want to make her feel like a spectacle. Or have her think I'm just talking to her out of novelty. Well, I mean, I do love novelty, which actually isn't a bad thing, but I don't want her to conclude that I'm not really interested in connecting with her in a meaningful way.
Plus, skin color (along with African phenotypes generally) has historically been very politicized in the West. (I live in the geopolitical "West".) It became a defining factor of class distinctions. Though now outlawed in most of the developed world, systemic racism has managed to endure on some unwritten, unspoken level through things like "dogwhistle politics". Even today, white cops are known to murder untried black suspects, often with a police culture that encourages it. When I was a teen, I'd walk in a convenience store myself and the Chinese lady running the shop wouldn't pay me any heed; then I walked in with a black girl, and she was watching like a hawk.
Now, variably, African immigrants often don't relate to Western black culture. In fact, I've known some who looked at Caribbeans and/or American blacks with derision. Others integrate right into it. But either way, the racists themselves generally don't make any such distinction, so I expect most Africans who have lived in the West any significant amount of time have perceived at least some level of discrimination over being black.
Fortunately, my corner of the West is by far not the worst. My city is probably among the most ethnically diverse in the world, and overt displays of intolerance are comparatively rare and met with strong and wide disapproval. But it's not perfect, and furthermore, globalized media makes the problems of the more intolerant parts of the West seem closer than they perhaps are.
The sum of all this is that I'd be a little nervous to say that particular something which I actually feel.
Is this a justified fear? Is there a particular way to go about it to minimize any risk that she takes it wrong?
I'm always gushing over how much I love South Sudanese women. (I'm apparently not the only one.)
Well, I finally met one the other day. She's only the second I've even seen in at least 11 months of checking for girls! (Well, technically she's not South Sudanese, just Sudanese, - but she's Nilotic.)
South Sudanese (Nilotic) people tend to have really attractive flowing facial features, and are usually tall and slender. Perhaps their most striking feature is really dark, coffee black skin.
The first time I approached this Sudanese girl, it was therefore no small irony that I actually didn't compliment her at all, for dumb reasons that will be given in the FR.
The approach went well overall, except a glitch at the end robbed me of the close. But she works at a fast food place, so I can, and intend to, open her again.
When I do that, I'm probably going to want to give her a compliment, since I'm not yet at the point where my vibe puts the banana in her face without words. I normally prefer compliments on things that are genetically determined (both because I actually notice them a lot more than comparatively meaningless shit like clothing, and because this is by definition more sexual).
__________
Aside:
For black girls wearing their natural hair out, I tend to compliment that, and it often goes over well, because I sincerely love the change from relaxer and weave, and also can name the styles. This one's hair was practically shaved off, so no dice there. Failing that, I've usually gone with "you're cute," but it's a little blasé. (I also resist that one with girls in weave, because I absolutely don't want them thinking the weave is what did it.) I've tried "you have beautiful features" or similar once or twice but it feels a bit awkward.
Once I tried, "you have beautiful eyes," and got a very positive response. (Ironically, I was using this because she was a very light mixed girl and I didn't want to use a more generic compliment that could be construed to compliment her lightness, and she was also in weave, so it's the only thing I had left!!)
I'm not sure if explicitly sexual stuff would go over too well. On one hand, not hiding the banana is good, but on the other hand it would too easily come across as crude.
__________
To be perfectly honest, with a Nilotic girl, I'm really tempted to compliment her gorgeous, even, dark skin tone, which I sincerely love!
It's just, it's such an abnormal compliment, especially coming from a white person. When Nyakim Gatwech (pic, pic & pic) moved to the USA as a teen, here's her own account of just how much people loved her skin tone:
She even had an Uber driver ask if she would bleach her skin if she were given $10,000.
Complimenting a locally unusual feature of people of another race, much less one that has been regarded with such derision, seems a bit tricky. I don't want to make her feel like a spectacle. Or have her think I'm just talking to her out of novelty. Well, I mean, I do love novelty, which actually isn't a bad thing, but I don't want her to conclude that I'm not really interested in connecting with her in a meaningful way.
Plus, skin color (along with African phenotypes generally) has historically been very politicized in the West. (I live in the geopolitical "West".) It became a defining factor of class distinctions. Though now outlawed in most of the developed world, systemic racism has managed to endure on some unwritten, unspoken level through things like "dogwhistle politics". Even today, white cops are known to murder untried black suspects, often with a police culture that encourages it. When I was a teen, I'd walk in a convenience store myself and the Chinese lady running the shop wouldn't pay me any heed; then I walked in with a black girl, and she was watching like a hawk.
Now, variably, African immigrants often don't relate to Western black culture. In fact, I've known some who looked at Caribbeans and/or American blacks with derision. Others integrate right into it. But either way, the racists themselves generally don't make any such distinction, so I expect most Africans who have lived in the West any significant amount of time have perceived at least some level of discrimination over being black.
Fortunately, my corner of the West is by far not the worst. My city is probably among the most ethnically diverse in the world, and overt displays of intolerance are comparatively rare and met with strong and wide disapproval. But it's not perfect, and furthermore, globalized media makes the problems of the more intolerant parts of the West seem closer than they perhaps are.
The sum of all this is that I'd be a little nervous to say that particular something which I actually feel.
Is this a justified fear? Is there a particular way to go about it to minimize any risk that she takes it wrong?
