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confused about her intentions

chase93

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Joined
Jan 9, 2016
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I´m going to try and keep this short.
I have been living abroad for 4 months and in the first week I met this girl. We´re both not from here and we will go home in one month.
From the beginning on we had a very special vibe together, we can talk for hours about some deep stuff and laugh even longer with what appears to other as complete and utter bullshit. We have sex regularly and even when we don´t call it like that we go on dates together. (think doing ´culture´, visit a bar, go to a romantic restaurant etc.)

I obviously like the girl and she tells me I am the person she wants to see when she´s down and even more when she´s happy. I have to go home in a month and she tells me she would stay longer if I would too and she tells me it´s something more than friends going on between us. We are making plans to visit each other in the future, europe is a small place.

...obviously I try to just enjoy the vibe between us for the little time we have left with each other but sometimes I can´t help but bring it up that I like her and everytime I do that, two times in all those months so far, she turns cold and assures me that there is nothing more between us than friendship. What happens then is that we don´t have sex for a while and I start trying to conquer her again from the beginning up until the point where I tell her again. (I know I probably shouldn´t but I would like to hear her say she likes me in the same way at least a little bit). I´m sure that somewhere she likes me too, her actions and behaviour scream yes but her words try to convince me even harder of the opposite (or maybe she´s trying to convince herself?). I know actions speak louder than words but still this is very confusing. She tells me that I have no idea because for her it´s way more confusing.

my question here:
What is the best way to handle this? I really like this girl and I would love to explore where this goes after we go home, even if it doesn´t work out in the end. Normally my game is A+, no problems with inner game but what´s happening with this girl is really fucking with me, that´s why I´m turning to you for some solid advice.

PS: of course I would never betray my actual girlfriend, but since that isn´t the case I didn´t stop fucking around lots of other girls in the meantime.
 
you miss 100% of the shots you don't take

Howell

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 23, 2014
Messages
189
chase93 said:
I´m going to try and keep this short.
I have been living abroad for 4 months and in the first week I met this girl. We´re both not from here and we will go home in one month.
From the beginning on we had a very special vibe together, we can talk for hours about some deep stuff and laugh even longer with what appears to other as complete and utter bullshit. We have sex regularly and even when we don´t call it like that we go on dates together. (think doing ´culture´, visit a bar, go to a romantic restaurant etc.)

I obviously like the girl and she tells me I am the person she wants to see when she´s down and even more when she´s happy. I have to go home in a month and she tells me she would stay longer if I would too and she tells me it´s something more than friends going on between us. We are making plans to visit each other in the future, europe is a small place.

...obviously I try to just enjoy the vibe between us for the little time we have left with each other but sometimes I can´t help but bring it up that I like her and everytime I do that, two times in all those months so far, she turns cold and assures me that there is nothing more between us than friendship. What happens then is that we don´t have sex for a while and I start trying to conquer her again from the beginning up until the point where I tell her again. (I know I probably shouldn´t but I would like to hear her say she likes me in the same way at least a little bit). I´m sure that somewhere she likes me too, her actions and behaviour scream yes but her words try to convince me even harder of the opposite (or maybe she´s trying to convince herself?). I know actions speak louder than words but still this is very confusing. She tells me that I have no idea because for her it´s way more confusing.

my question here:
What is the best way to handle this? I really like this girl and I would love to explore where this goes after we go home, even if it doesn´t work out in the end. Normally my game is A+, no problems with inner game but what´s happening with this girl is really fucking with me, that´s why I´m turning to you for some solid advice.

PS: of course I would never betray my actual girlfriend, but since that isn´t the case I didn´t stop fucking around lots of other girls in the meantime.


Hmm, from what you write, it sounds like she's got you wrapped around her finger. You both are in a new place, fresh out looking for new bonds, and boom -- there you both are.

The novelty. The romance. The freedom. These feelings are not aspects of you or her -- they are byproducts of "living abroad". Perhaps you recognize this though, but are enjoying the drama of chasing her?

You ask about the best way to handle this. Well, that depends on your goals. From what you say, it seems your goal is to maintain the relationship, but with you in the drivers seat. So...

#1: Do not tolerate her using sex as a bargaining chip. If she tries this, explain to her calmly that by doing so she devalues herself, damages the relationship, and fails to communicate in a more reasonable way. Then move onto something more lighthearted. Depends on the girl, but this can actually work. Customize the approach to your situation though. You may have to to play her own game though (generally this is the more powerful option. Explaining the situation to her can help, but usually you need to reinforce it for her emotionally, and speak more with actions than words). If you suspect she will do this game soon (not sleeping with you, forcing you to invest more and more in her, while she invests little or less in return), you need to make HER CHASE YOU instead. This is of PARAMOUNT importance if you don't want this relationship falling apart (which, might not be that bad, as she sounds like she doesn't value you as a man and is using you for entertainment and validation, i.e., do you think she actually respects you as a leader?). You seem like the one who's spellbound, and, by the way you describe her behavior, she's played this game before (i.e., she at least unconsciously knows how to woo lonely men into her life so they can take care of her, protect her, comfort her, etc.)

#2: Even though you're "fucking around", it doesn't sound like she either A) knows about it, B) sees the girls as a relationship threat, or C) cares. One night stands are one night stands. What do you think would happen if you started seeing a girl regularly who was hotter than her, and started drifting away from her a bit though?

#3: You sound a bit too "sweet-heart-y" to me. I strongly recommend you read this post by Chase about polarization: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=10206, and by god, do not chase girls! It will never work out in your favor, man.

-Howell
 

chase93

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Joined
Jan 9, 2016
Messages
2
Howell said:
Hmm, from what you write, it sounds like she's got you wrapped around her finger. You both are in a new place, fresh out looking for new bonds, and boom -- there you both are.
(...)
-Howell

Alright man, thank you for your honest answer. I think you´re completely right. I have been thinking a lot and maybe I´m more in love with the idea of her chasing me which results in me trying to push it too much to get her to ´admit´her feelings than with the actual girl itself. Even if the feelings were there I realised that my behaviour is only gonna achieve the opposite of what I actually intend. Point is, I really have to work on keeping her to chase me. I know exactly which buttons to push but when I like a girl up until the point where I get her to chase me and I admit my ´feelings´ (hoping she will do the same) and that turns the whole dynamic of the relationship upside down. I have to keep working on maintaining that wave and keeping my own mysterious vibe while I keep her guessing on my intentions up until I get the girl.

Obviously it is probably not this girl who it will work out with, you made me realise that. I honestly believe we had some kind of chemistry but I fucked it up by giving in too much way too soon. Anyway, it will take some time but I will have to work on this underdeveloped skills a lot. If there comes any big news up concerning this particular lady I will keep you posted because I really appreciate your input.

As for that, I was out with her and a couple of friends last weekend and I got really caught in an interesting conversation with this Australian model. I steered the situation in losing the rest and of course I took her home!

Peace!
 
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