Confused by her texting habits

[weekendwarrior]

** I'd like to start by introducing myself. I'm weekendwarrior, I've been reading this site for 2 years and occasionally lurked on the forums. I'd like to think my texting has greatly improved but I find myself very conflicted so hope you guys can help!
**
I've been seeing this girl since new year and been shagging her, she's been gently pushing for a relationship and been texting me every day. I know I shouldn't but I found myself texting her every day because our chats were fun. Since lockdown she's became less talkative and started texting just once a day. I was cool with this but when she continued taking a day to reply after her deadline had passed it annoyed me and I took a day to reply to her.

This ironically pissed her off so she took 3 days to reply to me. I thought I don't want to play games I'll just text her like normal, after a day of normality she's been taking 3 days to reply for 2 weeks and it's starting to annoy me. If she was starting a conversation I wouldn't mind but I've asked a question.

I've tried killing the conversation deliberately and every time I do she'll ask questions to keep it going but yet takes days to respond. Her lack of effort is confusing me, I don't want to play silly games both taking 3 days to reply but I don't want to be putting in more effort than she's giving. I thought about texting saying "I get the feeling you're not interested, that's cool I can stop trying. You've got my number if you want to get in touch" but don't want to seem emotional over it. What do you think?

Warrior

 

[BigPapa]

Hot & cold behavior + mixed signals

It means that she is doing this to see if you really care about her and is pushing for more commitment from your end with the big guns

If she replies every 3 days , she does this deliberately to teach you a lesson on no to do this deliberately ( as most likely she thought you did this on purpose , which is actually the case based on what you said )

Depends on exactly what you want from her :

a) you are ok with more commitment -> then you need to have a hearty talk with her about this and show her more love
b) you are not ok with more commitment -> then you play the game who has the biggest balls , but based on her behavior she will auto reject quite soon as it looks like she has a big ego

 

[weekendwarrior]

Hot & cold behavior + mixed signals

It means that she is doing this to see if you really care about her and is pushing for more commitment from your end with the big guns

If she replies every 3 days , she does this deliberately to teach you a lesson on no to do this deliberately ( as most likely she thought you did this on purpose , which is actually the case based on what you said )

Depends on exactly what you want from her :

a) you are ok with more commitment -> then you need to have a hearty talk with her about this and show her more love
b) you are not ok with more commitment -> then you play the game who has the biggest balls , but based on her behavior she will auto reject quite soon as it looks like she has a big ego

Thank you for the reply, that's helped me understand it better. I can't help but think I've shown I care for her by messaging her throughout this pandemic when I can't even meet her never mind shag her.

I did purposely wait a day before replying that time because I was annoyed at her actions. If she was showing that little effort I thought it's a two player game. To keep doing the 3 day thing for 2 weeks is stupidly annoying and I don't want to tolerate it but I don't want to play the waiting game either.

Before the pandemic hit I thought the next time she brings up the relationship talk I'll be willing to commit she's actually cool to be with, but I really don't like how she's been acting at the moment so I don't know why I should reward this.

How would you go about getting her to bring this up? I can't help but think it would look needy for me to do this "you know that relationship you hinted at months ago?" haha! I'm also under the impression she has to bring it up, I also think it's a conversation you should have in person.

Warrior

 

[BigPapa]

Thank you for the reply, that's helped me understand it better. I can't help but think I've shown I care for her by messaging her throughout this pandemic when I can't even meet her never mind shag her.

I did purposely wait a day before replying that time because I was annoyed at her actions. If she was showing that little effort I thought it's a two player game. To keep doing the 3 day thing for 2 weeks is stupidly annoying and I don't want to tolerate it but I don't want to play the waiting game either.

Before the pandemic hit I thought the next time she brings up the relationship talk I'll be willing to commit she's actually cool to be with, but I really don't like how she's been acting at the moment so I don't know why I should reward this.

How would you go about getting her to bring this up? I can't help but think it would look needy for me to do this "you know that relationship you hinted at months ago?" haha! I'm also under the impression she has to bring it up, I also think it's a conversation you should have in person.

Warrior

If you want this girl to be your girlfriend , you need to start to act like she is your girlfriend

In your case , from what you said so far , I believe that this girl has a big ego and since she opened once this subject about commitment and you did not really said what she was expecting , she kinda took it harder than intended .

Now with this quarantine and stuff like most likely she started overthinking and most likely she thinks that you see her more like a sex toy , rather than a girlfriend , and this is why you are communicating with her . From her view , she is letting you know that she can take care of herself and will not tolerate being treated poorly .

I also agree with you , that she is exaggerating , but if I were I would just give her the benefit of doubt since everyone kinda started having mental meltdowns in this period of time .

If I were you , I would just give her a call and tell her that you can sense that she is angry at you , and if you did something wrong to give you the benefit of doubt since the quarantine period put the tole on everyone , and that you really like her & you will feel bad if things will shit the fence over some things that are not important. Then you can continue by saying her , that also I think this would be a good exercise to try to improve communication , and it would be great if she could tell you what made her angry at you so you do not do this in the future . Then you tell her the same thing .

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

I've tried killing the conversation deliberately and every time I do she'll ask questions to keep it going but yet takes days to respond. Her lack of effort is confusing me, I don't want to play silly games both taking 3 days to reply but I don't want to be putting in more effort than she's giving. I thought about texting saying "I get the feeling you're not interested, that's cool I can stop trying. You've got my number if you want to get in touch" but don't want to seem emotional over it. What do you think?

Warrior

No on the butt hurt reply.

There are a couple of issues here, but the main one is the asymmetrical expectations.

You expect her to be consistent, because you are consistent.

She expects you to be consistent, but she doesn't and will never acknowledge her inconsistency.

Other examples - You can't be late for a date, but she will regularly be late for a date. You can't be bad with money, but she will be bad with money.

This type of behavior is rarely intentional and conscious. It's just who they are as a gender.
And trying to get her to "see the truth" is just a fool's errand.

Is she playing a game? Probably not.

But when your behavior isn't consistent (which is the reaction to her inconsistency), she will then take that into account, and start playing the game as well. That's the rub. That's the asymmetry.

Much like you and her can have a normal conversation, you say X innocently, and she flips out, AND THEN YOU have some sort of reaction. She remembers your reaction to her reaction and will use it in the future.

In a offline pick up situation, there are plenty of "after the fact" shit tests. She says innocently X, you react emotionally, and your emotions are then weapons she can use against you later on.

Why did she "start this"?

My take is that, She's probably grown use to you as a stimulus of emotion. The video game isn't fun anymore after you win.

Moreover, most people - but girls in particular, are out of sight, out of mind. If you aren't right there next to her, she's not as likely to be thinking about you and your concerns. She's thinking about her own stuff. And you? You're low on her list of priorities.

This has very little to do with your skills, as stone cold pimps that have gotten far more investment than you have or have conceived of having, still lose chicks. This happens to husbands and wives all the time.

And your "weakness" here? You're more invested than she is.

So what to do?

There is nothing you can do via text (and often in person) to get her to act right.

Like the weather, you can't change it.

What you can change is your response.

This is a wakeup call. This girl isn't particularly special in her loss of interest in communicating. All of us have gone through this and wondered why after all the investment we've put in (blue pill) or all the investment she's put in (pickup) - why would her behavior change? Why isn't she consistent?

You need to change your overall expectations of how women behave. Even your special little unicorn that you meet after years of being a player and want to settle down and have kids with, even she will be like this. It's just who they are. And the double standard for behavior is part of the package.

This is who they are. And it's not a reflection on your and what you've done.

It's not even a reflection of the relationship. A chick will go from shadowing your every step, to being disgusted by your presence, to sending you texts about how much she loves you.

Her normal is chaos.

That doesn't work for most men. Most men want stability and predictability. (And most women want that from their men, but not from themselves)

In terms of your sexual/emotional needs - you need to have multiple sources, and be wary of entering any sort of traditional monogamous relationship.

In terms of your social needs - again, multiple sources, and having a strong social circle, increasing the number of people that you can have a good conversation with on a regular basis.

And on a deeper level, you need something far more interesting than girls to occupy your mind. (This is often how women come to resent your job, family, friends, hobbies, and other pursuits - your attention being anywhere else than her can be a threat). I think nowadays, they say mission or "path and purpose".

All that said, keep in mind that you don't have to play chess.

If the chick is inconsistent, drop her. Don't check her behavior, don't communicate, don't soft next - straight up drop her.

WIA

 

[weekendwarrior]

If you want this girl to be your girlfriend , you need to start to act like she is your girlfriend

In your case , from what you said so far , I believe that this girl has a big ego and since she opened once this subject about commitment and you did not really said what she was expecting , she kinda took it harder than intended .

Now with this quarantine and stuff like most likely she started overthinking and most likely she thinks that you see her more like a sex toy , rather than a girlfriend , and this is why you are communicating with her . From her view , she is letting you know that she can take care of herself and will not tolerate being treated poorly .

I also agree with you , that she is exaggerating , but if I were I would just give her the benefit of doubt since everyone kinda started having mental meltdowns in this period of time .

If I were you , I would just give her a call and tell her that you can sense that she is angry at you , and if you did something wrong to give you the benefit of doubt since the quarantine period put the tole on everyone , and that you really like her & you will feel bad if things will shit the fence over some things that are not important. Then you can continue by saying her , that also I think this would be a good exercise to try to improve communication , and it would be great if she could tell you what made her angry at you so you do not do this in the future . Then you tell her the same thing .

Thanks Big Papa! She opened the subject after the first two times I shagged her, I managed to dance around the question to not play my cards until she played hers, then she hasn't mentioned it since. I thought she'd bring it back up again and thought at this point I'd be more open to commitment.

(I have been single for 2 years and in that time only slept with 1 girl, this one the second. I think she's actually really cool as well as super hot and think I could benefit from some consistency with someone I like hanging out with (mltr) while I try to "develop" and meet other girls)

I think you're right about her over thinking and feeling like she's a sex toy, I have been more bothered about sex with her but I'd see her once every week or two I'd rather fuck than talk, we've been texting every day in between so it's not purely sex.

I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt acting normal while she's still trying to punish me, though her replies have got faster, I heard from her today which is just one day. Its progress I guess haha.

I like your suggestion except the communication part. I think you're totally right but it doesn't feel like me and I can't actually think of how to word it haha. I guess I've got a few days to think about it though. I also don't want to give in to her dramatic/emotional behaviour. Thanks again!

Warrior

 

[weekendwarrior]

No on the butt hurt reply.

There are a couple of issues here, but the main one is the asymmetrical expectations.

You expect her to be consistent, because you are consistent.

She expects you to be consistent, but she doesn't and will never acknowledge her inconsistency.

Other examples - You can't be late for a date, but she will regularly be late for a date. You can't be bad with money, but she will be bad with money.

This type of behavior is rarely intentional and conscious. It's just who they are as a gender.
And trying to get her to "see the truth" is just a fool's errand.

Is she playing a game? Probably not.

But when your behavior isn't consistent (which is the reaction to her inconsistency), she will then take that into account, and start playing the game as well. That's the rub. That's the asymmetry.

Much like you and her can have a normal conversation, you say X innocently, and she flips out, AND THEN YOU have some sort of reaction. She remembers your reaction to her reaction and will use it in the future.

In a offline pick up situation, there are plenty of "after the fact" shit tests. She says innocently X, you react emotionally, and your emotions are then weapons she can use against you later on.

Why did she "start this"?

My take is that, She's probably grown use to you as a stimulus of emotion. The video game isn't fun anymore after you win.

Moreover, most people - but girls in particular, are out of sight, out of mind. If you aren't right there next to her, she's not as likely to be thinking about you and your concerns. She's thinking about her own stuff. And you? You're low on her list of priorities.

This has very little to do with your skills, as stone cold pimps that have gotten far more investment than you have or have conceived of having, still lose chicks. This happens to husbands and wives all the time.

And your "weakness" here? You're more invested than she is.

So what to do?

There is nothing you can do via text (and often in person) to get her to act right.

Like the weather, you can't change it.

What you can change is your response.

This is a wakeup call. This girl isn't particularly special in her loss of interest in communicating. All of us have gone through this and wondered why after all the investment we've put in (blue pill) or all the investment she's put in (pickup) - why would her behavior change? Why isn't she consistent?

You need to change your overall expectations of how women behave. Even your special little unicorn that you meet after years of being a player and want to settle down and have kids with, even she will be like this. It's just who they are. And the double standard for behavior is part of the package.

This is who they are. And it's not a reflection on your and what you've done.

It's not even a reflection of the relationship. A chick will go from shadowing your every step, to being disgusted by your presence, to sending you texts about how much she loves you.

Her normal is chaos.

That doesn't work for most men. Most men want stability and predictability. (And most women want that from their men, but not from themselves)

In terms of your sexual/emotional needs - you need to have multiple sources, and be wary of entering any sort of traditional monogamous relationship.

In terms of your social needs - again, multiple sources, and having a strong social circle, increasing the number of people that you can have a good conversation with on a regular basis.

And on a deeper level, you need something far more interesting than girls to occupy your mind. (This is often how women come to resent your job, family, friends, hobbies, and other pursuits - your attention being anywhere else than her can be a threat). I think nowadays, they say mission or "path and purpose".

All that said, keep in mind that you don't have to play chess.

If the chick is inconsistent, drop her. Don't check her behavior, don't communicate, don't soft next - straight up drop her.

WIA

Thank you WIA! I can feel the lightbulbs going of in my head and you've put everything into perspective. I feel enlightened by your post. (I genuinely mean that).

I'm very wary of a traditional monogamous relationship, I've just replied to Big Papa and basically I'm not very experienced yet. I've tried to keep away from a relationship:

(I have been single for 2 years and in that time only slept with 1 girl, this one the second. I think she's actually really cool as well as super hot and think I could benefit from some consistency with someone I like hanging out with (mltr) while I try to "develop" and meet other girls)

My sexual/emotional needs I'm limited on due to the pandemic. I have thought about dropping her because of the inconsistency on the thought if she's interested she would come back but I won't have any other options until after this has passed. I also don't want to look so butt hurt I'd stop talking to her for a late reply.

I usually have a lot going on that is far more interesting which is why I very rarely meet new girls (I do need to be more focused on girls to achieve abundance and better skill, limited field time means limited field experience) but with lockdown I don't have much going on which is why I'm more bothered by her "games".

I feel I have rambled here without much direction. Thanks for the reply I found it incredibly useful!

Warrior

 

[BigPapa]

The thing is that you are not really congruent , and that's why she is acting like this . Think of it like a shit test . On one hand you just want to fuck her weekly or every 2 weeks , on another you keep texting her . She just wants to settle exactly your relationship with you , like are we fwb or are we boyfriend and girlfriend

She might be ok with a fwb type of relationship at the beginning - as more or less it was the case till now - , but she will eventually find another guy that will commit and thus you will loose her .

Women want commitment while guys want sex

There is no shame in liking a girl enough to want to commit to her . This is how things are meant to be from a biological point of view to raise children and thus your genetical material will survive over time.


Even though what WIA is saying is super legit , like you said you are not there yet , so I do not think it will be good for your development to skip steps . To reach that level you need a lot of life experience , including failing relationships etc , otherwise you will do things that basically you will not really understand why you are doing them and you will never be congruent

 

[weekendwarrior]

The thing is that you are not really congruent , and that's why she is acting like this . Think of it like a shit test . On one hand you just want to fuck her weekly or every 2 weeks , on another you keep texting her . She just wants to settle exactly your relationship with you , like are we fwb or are we boyfriend and girlfriend

She might be ok with a fwb type of relationship at the beginning - as more or less it was the case till now - , but she will eventually find another guy that will commit and thus you will loose her .

Women want commitment while guys want sex

There is no shame in liking a girl enough to want to commit to her . This is how things are meant to be from a biological point of view to raise children and thus your genetical material will survive over time.


Even though what WIA is saying is super legit , like you said you are not there yet , so I do not think it will be good for your development to skip steps . To reach that level you need a lot of life experience , including failing relationships etc , otherwise you will do things that basically you will not really understand why you are doing them and you will never be congruent

Thanks Big Papa! I didn't even think about this. She always texts me a paragraph with interesting content and asks questions if I don't to keep the conversation going. I guess she sucks me into conversation but I allow it. I did expect her to bring the relationship conversation again but I guess with the pandemic she isn't going to bring it up now as we can't meet each other.

I'm definitely not against dating her, but I'm weary of a traditional monogamous relationship. I would have felt better about it but don't want to reward her for throwing her toys out the pram. I'd like it to be back to normal before committing than it looking like it's coming from neediness.

You're right that I shouldn't skip steps, and I find myself doing things either consciously or unconsciously that I don't understand. I'm better in hindsight when I think I wish I'd have done that when I think things back over.

Warrior

 

[BigPapa]

I'm definitely not against dating her, but I'm weary of a traditional monogamous relationship. I would have felt better about it but don't want to reward her for throwing her toys out the pram. I'd like it to be back to normal before committing than it looking like it's coming from neediness.

You know , there is a fine line between neediness & empathy , especially if you are ok with the commitment part .

If you would go to her and say "listen , you remember when you were saying about being a couple ? yeah I would like that " -> that is neediness because she knows that you are supplicating because of her behavior towards you

If you would go to her and say " listen , lately I've noticed that our communication is not as good as it used to be and I think that you are mad at me . I do not really know what I did , but if this is the case then I am sorry . This quarantine is annoying . If you like to talk about what annoyed you with me , so you know I am all ears " -> this is showing empathy because you do not supplicate , you just say that lately the communication is not as good as it used to be and you want to talk about it. This shows that you care about her , which is normal in a relationship

The most important thing is to treat girls that you want a relationship with as girlfriends

 

[ieatapples]

listen , lately I've noticed that our communication is not as good as it used to be and I think that you are mad at me . I do not really know what I did , but if this is the case then I am sorry .

@BigPapa you have given some great advice here. I would just like to add that you shouldn't use the word sorry here. From what you've described @weekendwarrior, you have done anything wrong. You weren't horrible or disrespectful to the girl and didn't make any promises you couldn't keep.

 

[weekendwarrior]

Thanks Ieatapples, I don't like apologising unless I've really done something really wrong and like you I don't think I have. I think Big Papa was being very warm and endearing showing a lot of empathy and a caring attitude with his suggestion which seems very congruent to how he comes across.

I appreciate all the advice and input guys! You've all been very helpful.

Warrior

 

[weekendwarrior]

Hi guys, I'm looking for some further advice with this one. A couple days after making this post she started to act how she used to so I guessed being consistent helped bring her around. This lasted for a week before she took 3 or 4 days to reply, she apologised and explained she was just feeling really down and went back to texting once a day.

I remained consistent, this continued for a week before she took another 3 days to get back in touch. I replied and she got back in touch the next day, after I replied to this message she's gone radio silent and it's been 9 days at this point.

Her last message was about the size of this post, had exclamation marks and emojis, wasn't soul sucking to look at or read and seemed like she was invested to put that much effort in to the text.

I don't know if I should just wait it out that she'll get in touch when she's not feeling "down" or whether I should reach out and engage again at this point? She's a Harry Potter fan and the author has released a book for free today which made me think of her so this is genuine. I'd appreciate your advice.

Warrior

 

[BigPapa]

back off for now , and let her come to you , otherwise you are chasing her

if she does not get in touch , ping her after the quarantine will be over , and do some small talk to gauge her interest

 

[weekendwarrior]

Thanks Big Papa! I've just got back from a run and I was thinking the same thing. I figured we won't be able to meet for at least another 4 weeks and I don't want to revive a conversion for the same thing to happen.

Warrior